Do you pass the photo test?

Do you pass the photo test? 1 A photo of any sort - to show willing. It should show you are sufficiently computer savvy to take a photo and load it up. Otherwise, the other person reasons, how are you going to get confident enough to actually phone and meet. If you have no kind of photo it suggests you will never give out a phone number nor meet. Show you are bright and savvy. 2 Photo of personality. Any woman on any dating site or even in possession of Skype or a mobile phone gets dozens of contacts from people who are scamming and saying 'Phone me' 'Contact me'. She does not know that you are not a scam trying to get her email or maybe even using a borrowed photo of a celebrity. Or you twenty years ago. She wants a current photo showing the real person. Show you are real. 3 A smile. Yes, a smile. Do I really want to spend even ten minutes talking to or listening to or meeting a person who frowns, scowls or is miserable. I want somebody who will cheer me up. 

You probably know the saying, 'Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone.' It's easy to forget this. A taxi driver once interrupted my complaint to say, "Lady - I've got problems of my own.' Nobody wants to see somebody scowling. I've rather have coffee with a jolly neighbour or watch TV. I would like to meet somebody bright, cheerful and smiling. 4 Hair.Young-looking hair. Yes, hair. Why would I swap a perfectly good man for somebody twenty years older or looking twenty years older? I know men go bald at 35. I might like a bald man. I might tolerate a bald man. But he would have to have everything else - looks, education, a job, money - at least evidence of being solvent, a smile.

This you can fix easily. If you don't have hair, you can wear a hat - not a baseball cap, but a hat.

Or dye hair black or brown.

Why not?

A man doesn't want a woman with grey hair. Why does he think a blonde woman wants a man who is grey and shabby?

If you want to be on the dole and out of work and out of dates stay there looking old and decrepit. You could take yourself to a barber or give yourself a makeover.

Imagine you are going to a job interview, competing with men ten years younger.

You are competing with younger men. Yes, women get emails from men ten years younger than you. Women over fifty get emails from students under 21 - some of them virgins!

Bald and grey suggests impotence and prostate trouble. Along with a heart by-pass. And hospital visits. 5 Rough beards - yuk!

I had a relationship founder because every time a man tried to kiss me it felt like a shoebrush.

If you look like a hedgehog you don't suggest cuddly.

Wash it with conditioner. Make sure it is not even more hair showing that you are grey and old and faded.

Even a soft beard would suggest lazy and self-centred and not presentable. 6 No pets in pictures

I haven't seen a site called dates with dogs. Or pet people. I think there is one. But I've had bridge games, outings and dinner dates cancelled, postponed or delayed by people who can't get a dog-sitter, dog ran in road, dog died, can't go on holiday, can't go away for weekend, dog died and kids are crying, dog can't be left alone, must go home early to feed dog, dog is lost on highway - dog in bed in threesome - dog must like you and you must like dog - trousers and shoes smell of dog pooh ...

Pets are great in zoos. Not on a first date. If you don't get a first date, you don't get a second. 

Dogs are a distraction to those who want to meet for coffee or dinner. 

And those who want to jump into bed.

Also leaves the delicate reader wondering if you really had something kinky and illegal in mind. And on that happy note I shall go back to my inbox and answer the one interesting. smiling man who sent me a photo. I remember him. (Leaving aside other emails and photos from people who wonder what they could have done to get noticed by a woman.) I hope this helps. I can't guarantee that if you follow this advice you will get answers from me or any other woman. But at least you know if you can pass the photo test.