Writing An Encouraging Profile

Profiles sometimes catch your attention and make you think although they fail to stir you to action and reply. today I had some thoughts about how a profile could be improved. And I'm using this as a memorable example.

Accentuate The Positive

Today I noticed a profile from a man who was a middle-aged virgin and said he was 'desperate'.

The word desperate was already off-putting. Any negative word is off-putting. Look for a positive word. A better word would have been keen.

Desperate evokes a series of images, which might be wrong, and irrelevant. 

It means different things to different people. To me it suggested that contacting him was taking a risk because things could go from bad to worse:

1 A loser. A failure. Has never attracted a woman. A loner. No friends. Unattractive.

2 Deeply unhappy. Possibly a depressive. Could even be suicidal.

3 A man willing to pay for sex. His ad might attract call girls.

4 Somebody with no alternative - might become a stalker. 

5 Too clinging. A million problems. Why has he never attracted anybody? Plain? Stupid? Poor health? Criminal record? Been in prison? Always lived at home? Mama's boy? Homeless? Would he want not just sex but money and a home?

6 Total submissive? No confidence? No ideas? No initiative? Can't study, hold down a job, organize a date at a romantic restaurant. Can't buy a bunch of flowers. No persistence?

7 No social graces. Low IQ. Possible mental problems.

All these ideas floated through my head - caused by just one word!

I was not interested in meeting him but was sufficiently curious to read down his list of attributes. 

Under children I expected him to say none. I would have thought - obviously, no sex means no children.

But he had ticked on or clicked on no answer which comes up as 'prefer not to say'. 

Why?

Too lazy to fill in the form?

Too evasive to answer the simplest question.

Hiding something - actually has adopted children - here my imagination runs riot. With no clues from him I run a checklist of every possibility to see what is possible or likely. He has had a sexless marriage and adopted children. Or married an older woman who already had children but didn't want sex. 

He has been a priest. Or teacher. At a boarding school. A special needs school.

I have given you a lot of negatives. Now let me brighten up this blog. I would also like to reassure anybody who has included any of these three ideas (virgin, desperate, prefer not to say whether I have children) that they can re-write to create a more positive impression.

Desperate

As I said earlier, look for positive words. And positive thoughts.

For positive words, use a thesaurus.

Play happy music. 

Imagine you are a GP (to any American readers - a British General Practitioners is a family doctor). Adopt a jolly bedside manner or the cheeriness of the doctor. 

So let's change the word desperate. The doctor or adviser or counsellor says, 'So Mr Desperate, you have now decided to take action to solve your problem. Excellent. You are keen to meet a nice lady. What are you looking for? Who would you get on with? What can you offer her?'

I now see why some dating sites have done the work for you. They ask you to describe yourself, and they put hints in brackets.

They even ask why somebody would want to meet you.

Why would anybody want to meet a desperate man?

Why would anybody want to meet a virgin?

And how can he counteract the impressions I suggested earlier.

Here are a few suggestions:

I think you will see from this how a profile can be improved. Amazingly, after one nods one's head in agreement, thinking, well, this is common sense, this is obvious, often you go back to your own writing and find you have hastily written off the thought of the moment. Your first thought was not checked at the time. Nor later. There in your own writing, are all the errors which, when made by other people, were so obvious that you tutted and shook your head and wondered why they could not see.

Excuse me - I must go off and check what else I wrote today, giving the impression that I'm some negative, awkward person. When, of course, I am all sweetness and light. I ooze kindness. I am positive thinking, and the most intelligent, insightful and charming person you could hope to meet or read!  Anybody would love to meet me.

Internet social site tips - Why Not Send A Recent Photo?

A man put up a profile with a photo which was three decades out of date. Why?

He put up a picture. So he thought a picture was important. 

It was a very nice picture. But why not a recent photo?

Many people use out of date profile pictures. Why? Because the best one was several weeks or months ago? 

If you know you are going to get a new passport or put up an online profile, get yourself a new photo. And whenever you are dressed up smartly, for example at a wedding, get lots of pictures taken. 

What impression does the viewer form on seeing an out of date photo? I imagine you are still a nice person, but totally different. I would like to relate to the current you, not to some totally false impression of you.

 

Let's suppose that your picture conveys the impression that you are young and sporty with long hair. 

Yet if you are 35 years older you are probably bald and unfit. Your readers could be the same. Or they might be quite comfortable with that

.

You must admit that a photo unlike you leads to reader to suspect you are hiding something. 

I want to know if you are smiling or scowling.

I thought I was being polite and encouraging when I  said I might like you as you are now.

Do you think that a man or woman is shallow if they want to see a photo?  To call somebody shallow is a confrontational and aggressive statement.

I don't only judge on looks. I judge on whether I get a friendly, positive reply. 

If I sent you a picture of myself 35 years ago what would you expect? 

I might have different hair colour and my age and weight could be different. You would imagine a totally different person and when we met it would take a lot of getting used to.  

On the internet there are all sorts of types, ranging from covered in tattoos to paraplegic, from waist length beard and hair to clean-shaven and totally bald. From bow tie to tee-shirt. From the sporty hiker to the bookish intellectual. 

Before starting a long correspondence or giving out personal details it is perfectly reasonable for a woman to get some idea of the man. Firstly for her own safety. Secondly because in the long run, you would meet and introduce to friends to see if they are presentable. Thirdly to angle your chat so as to co-ordinate with their lifestyle and views. 

If you get an out of date photo, all you know so far is that the poster or sender has avoided telling the truth and being friendly and positive.

If you do not post a photo for security reasons, say so.

But a photo which is several years old - nothing like you - suggests you have something to hide. 

Are you not happy with the way you look?

One of the main complaints by people on the internet is that they meet people who are nothing like the photo.

If you do not like your appearance, or think it is off-putting, then change it. If you are bald, admit it but wear a hat.

A picture is only one part of how you present yourself to others, how much you care about honesty and their opinion of you. You should be able and willing to dress reasonably presentably to suit the occasion and not embarrass others and look somebody in the eye. 

Looks are not the only and over-riding important matter - but it is important to know something about a stranger and to be able to visualise them.

I hope I have encouraged you to be happy and confident about the idea of showing a picture - which is a normal request. Don't take exception to a request for a photo. 

If I asked what you did for a living or what you studied or anything else. A request for a photo could be a deal-breaker, ore merely opening a conversation and inviting you to reveal more.  You don't want to make the other person afraid to ask or say anything  in case you get annoyed. Up to you to reply and continue in a positive fashion.