SUCCESS ON DATES Going Dutch? - You Must Be Joking

Dear Friend(s)

Social dates between two singles, two couples, or two people in business have to sort out the question of who pays for dinner. What should be an evening of interesting conversation is often filled with anxiety if one person cannot afford to pay for everybody or does not wish to. It's a pity to be ordering the cheapest item off the menu and then to find that the other person is on expenses. But equally, it's upsetting if you are paying the bill and eating carefully and others are ordering expensively. How much easier if we could all be honest from the start.

Dating newsletters advice women to insist that he pays, whilst others advice him to let her pay her share. They claim that this sets the tone for the relationship. Obviously the female writer wants the women to be in control.

The male writer wants the man to be in control - yet advises him to give her control of half spending. He thinks that rushing to pay the bill looks like you are trying too hard. Depends how you do it. You can pay the bill like a servant. Or you can pay the bill as if you are the boss.

An old proverb goes: 'He who pays the piper calls the tune.'

Money affects everything. We reward with money. We use money to get things started and improve them. Money is the motivation. Most people spend most of their day working to earn money.

Firstly, who pays for the date? I'll shortly go further into the economics of dating. But let's just look at the economics of the whole dating scene especially pairing people up. Most online sites are commercial and not a charity.

Secondly, war. Most countries go to war for economic reasons. Look at the news. Don't gasp with horror at the idea.

Thirdly, charity. A charity asks for money. A charity can send money. Or goods. Or workers with time and expertise.

Money is a way of exchanging time and goods. Better than mere promises. More easily counted than bits of beach shell. Personally I think we should have stuck to the gold standard.

DATING GOODWILL & COURTING
After profiles, emails and dates express goodwill to the potential partner in several ways:

a) The man and woman send good wishes to create goodwill;
b) Promises (NSA or conditional) about how they would like the relationship to progress;
c) Praise;
d) Gifts (eg offers of drinks and dinner) No Strings Attached;
e) Gifts (eg offers of drinks and dinner) in expectation of getting something back.

IN-UN-DATED WITH ADVICE?
Have you signed up for any of the dating advice newsletters? I am receiving half a dozen.

INUN-DATED by DATING NEWLETTERS
Not only dating newsletters. They are part of a wide trend. I am getting the same number of newsletters on health, lifecoaching / NLP / positive thinking / goal setting, business management, online marketing, property investment, public speaking and novel writing. (Also a few on playing the guitar and speaking Spanish.)

The latest ploy is to make you sign up for half a dozen other newsletters in the first email from the first newsletter. So 'John SuperSmith' is doing cross-marketing with 'Peter Never-Blue', 'Sue SuperSmith' and 'Ann Never-Blue' and 'John-and-Ann'.

DATING LETTER CONTRADICTIONS
Then you find that John and Ann are contradicting each other. John is selling machines for chopping fresh food whilst Ann is selling supplements in pill form.

Dating advice newsletters, even those doing cross-marketing, seem to contradict each other. The female writer tells women, always let him pay, so he feels like a man. Because men and women are built like this. She will only respect him if he is in charge.

But the male writer is advising men, go Dutch. Because if he is paying she thinks he is a wimp, a weakling (Americanism wuss).

In my opinion it might be different for twenty-year-olds in America. But I don't think it applies to the 45 and over age group in the UK. Nor does it apply in the Far East.I go with the newsletters aimed at the ladies. The average women wants a protector. Me Tarzan you Jane. If you like to express it in these terms, him dom her sub.

Conventionally he is taller and slightly older. You might vary these. But often you compensate with something else. For example, if he is smaller, or much younger, or much older, he wants to show he is richer than her to impress her.

On a first date that's how way it works on an obvious level. By the time they are into a long-term relationship he no longer says, 'Wow, she is blonde,' (or redhead) and she no longer thinks, 'Wow, he is rich!' Sex and money are part of the overall picture.

LADIES - FORGET THE ONE-DATE DATE
Especially on dating sites. One of the newsletters aimed at women looking for a LTR or marriage partner warns women to avoid the one date wonder. The man who buys you one meal and disappears if you don't sleep with him at first meeting. The same date.

Or expects the second date to be a sex session at your place or his. Quit worrying.

SINGLES
Single women need faithful men who will look after the kids. And bring in income. If the wife has three children and stays at home or gets some condition which requires her to lie down for weeks to avoid miscarriage.

Some children need looking after, funding, to the age of 30. Or beyond. If they are feckless. Or handicapped. Or dim. Or pursing a low-paid career. Or unlucky.

DIVORCED
I think divorced people are often on the rebound. The man is too anxious to avoid giving a penny to any woman, especially not to encourage what he perceives as a gold-digger.

But if he expects sex and no friendship, won't discuss hobbies, nor say what he is doing for a living - what does he think she is doing for a living which leaves her free to see him day, evening and weekends?

With ten men to every woman on dating sites?
Why are there ten men to every woman? One of these reasons:
Men are earning more money. So if he wants to date at fast food outlets, he can go Dutch. If he wants a romantic dinner he'll have to be prepared to spend money.

WOMEN DO PAY FOR DATES
Women pay by dressing well. Often a man pays for dinner but that's the total of his expense and time. His idea of getting ready is a shower and a change of shirt.

Glamour costs women money. I once spent more than £300 (600 US dollars) on getting myself glamorous to meet a man who had advertised in an upmarket newspaper. The breakdown was:£5 on advertisement and postage and photos.I went into a shop to look at a coat in the window. He wanted a glamorous woman.

I spent £200 on new coat. £100 on new outfit. It went with the coat. £45 on matching underwear. Bra straps to match top.

£10 on new tights. A pair plus a spare for my handbag in case the first pair laddered on the journey. Good thinking. First pair laddered as I put them on with my sharp nails.

£60 on new shoes. High heels to mach outfit. He was tall.

£20 on manicure. £45 on hair tint, cut and blow-dry.

£6 on return train ticket to central London.£10 on taxi to hotel because train was late.

Have you priced those lingerie outfits? A man goes on line showing himself dressed in a tee-shirt. Cost £5-15. Or naked. He then picks a woman wearing an outfit which cost anywhere from £55 (if all bought at bargain prices) - much more money if the woman's outfit is colour co-ordinated - easily up to £200. Just try the sales catalogues on line.

He then looks surprised if she is not excited by the offer of a 99p cup of coffee in a pub. Or his offer to buy her a drink.

If she goes into a pub dressed like that somebody else will offer her a drink. Three guys will offer her a drink before she finds you. By this time she will feel that every man in Britain just wants to sleep with her and she will be in the mood, "Don't touch me!"

At a smart restaurant she is sitting with you, looking at you, and you have no rivals.

MR DEBONAIR WINS
So who does win the girl? Mr Debonair. The man with no money worries. Mr Debonair for Miss Deb On Air.

Not the man who tells her on the first date how much his divorce cost, how he was left homeless. How he is only just getting back his finance.She starts wondering about refusing the second drink he offers. Surely he can't afford it?You can talk about your past money troubles. But you have to be very careful to convey the fact that you are over the hump. That good times are ahead. That finances are in control. Frankly, your date is more confident if you don't mention money.

A man can direct the date. Select the cheapest starter, and say you really enjoy soup. Say you prefer single espresso because double keeps you awake. She will probably be persuaded to follow your reasoning.

FEMALE FINANCES
The woman can be in one of these positions:

Bored housewife - wants outings and no phone calls on family bill.Husband keeps her short so she wants a good time and glamour.

Divorcee - short of money.
Poor divorcee - still looking after children and worried - doesn't want to double her worries, wants to halve them.
Rich divorcee - lots of money but no pension and like the divorced man doesn't want an impecunious new spouse living off her dwindling savings.

Poor lonely widow - could be short of cash and affection - never goes out and wants a treat.

Separated - in limbo. Could lose finances when husband divorces. Does not want indiscreet. Wants a replacement husband, DIY, chauffeur, entertainer and admirer as well as lover.

Rich widow - wants to avoid poor conmen.

1 Bored housewife. At home. No income. If she's bored her husband is probably sleeping with and funding another woman. Keeping his wife short. She doesn't want another 'mean' man who makes her feel second best. She wants a man who is generous and rewards her with gifts and attention.

If she accommodates a visiting lover, she may feel guilty. Or constantly be listening for the doorkey.

Some men like the excitement of risking being found out. I think most men don't. I think most women don't. That's why we see the words 'discreet' everywhere.

Her husband who is paying the bills won't be happy to find that he's paying for a home where she's entertaining another man. Husband could come back unexpectedly. So a bored housewife really wants a man who can take her to a hotel.

A man tried to tell me that a husband never comes back unexpectedly. He always gives you an hour's warning. Our date was over then. I rated him as totally unrealistic. He wanted the world to operate the way that suited him. He expected a married woman's husband to act so as not to inconvenience a man the husband did not know about.

Large numbers of people are in prison because a spouse came home unexpectedly. Nobody ever thought it would happen. On a hundred occasions it didn't. Then one day the husband left work early. Maybe he phoned - but the wife had the phone off the hook. By accident. Or because she was in bed with 'Charlie'. Or hubbie dashed home because he'd run short of cash. Or forgotten his credit card. Or needed his bike. Or rain stopped the football match. Or he was driving that way. Or wanted to surprise her with flowers. Whatever. Maybe his mobile phone died so he couldn't phone.Spouses and children and relatives with keys are not obliged to phone before entering the house.

DATING SUCCESS DEPENDS ON
Another newsletter said the obvious but was so helpful. It said that a person often stops after the first date not because the women wasn't good enough but because the man felt he wasn't good enough.

That explains my lovely farmer in the pink, shirt, tall, dark and smiling. My glamorous clothes and smart restaurant did not impress him. It wasn't just that I was picked a place that was too expensive.

While I was trying to tell him what a kir was, hoping he'd be pleased to know, he just felt I was putting him down and he couldn't keep up. So I was thinking of myself. I was wondering am I too old and too overweight, while I should have been assuring him that I admired his ability to milk cows.

Similarly, but the reverse of the coin, a date went wrong for me in central London. Rich and educated man. We got on so well. But while I was trying hard to impress, he told me, 'we're looking for different things'.

For a week after he emailed me and asked me to ring him. I could not understand why he still wanted to be in touch. I just felt crushed. I had felt I had everything for him. I was cultured and kind. He was a magistrate and demanded honesty. But I wasn't prepared to tell him all about myself on that date. He'd just told me I was an amusing friend but not a girlfriend.

He had not made me feel good about myself.Yes, I want to be thought of as young-looking and sexy. But like Marilyn Monroe to be told you are sexy when you are looking for love just makes you feel unervalued.

One man said to me that it was shallow to be interested in money. Bills have to be paid. I'd rather spend my days writing books and teaching and leave finance to a man whose entrepreneurial skills are greater than mine.

Most men are predominantly science and finance orientated. You are very lucky to get a good all rounder. I want teh company of a friend as a replacement for my husband. He is an all rounder. But for me he seems too much of a control freak, not enough of an indulgent and encouraging nurturer.

Now I can see how to change my behaviour on a first date. One important man in my life send me presents through the post. He confessed that he is overweight. I laughed. I like overweight men. I am overweight too and want to lose weight.

That newsletter was a blinding flash. When meeing somebody new I must make him feel good, not try to impress him with my superiority. But not being too obviously desperate to please.

I remember going for a job I really wanted with Michelin books. My dream job. They rejected me. I had tried so hard.

When I asked why I'd been rejected, they told me I was over-qualified.

Time to quit worrying. Go with the flow. I've waited so long to meet a friend I've been talking to on the phone for ages. As some of the newsletters say, 'just think of it as a learning experience. Have a lovely evening.'

I am looking forward to my date. Hope you have a great weekend too.