Why Do People Argue, And Play Games, Control Games?

1 One word sums up a specific control game, one upmanship. The Singaporeans call it Kiasu or getting ahead. (Kiasu activities include motorists overtaking you and pulling in front sharply even when you are the only two cars on the road. This is to my mind pointlessly going out 'looking for a fight'. I presume they think they are keeping in training, practising keeping constantly alert in a competitive society in a tiny over-populated city-state where they have no natural resources and rely on a combination of brains and pushing to get ahead at work and in housing and everything. )

2 I don't like games because I feel they are insincere, based on saying the opposite of you want. Like playing hard to get not because you are respectable but to tease the other person and extract favours which ought to be freely given. And never saying I love you. What sort of basis is this for a long-term relationship? I had devoted parents and ultimately my ideal is that I would like the same. But some argue that it is a question of order and timing. You don't put the cart before the horse. Start slow and only talk about commitment and commit when you are both ready.

3 What bothers me about games is that a game is not only setting ground rules - start as you mean to go on - but a game may be only the first rung in a ladder competition. As soon as the opponent has one this round, he has the confidence to go on and pick a bigger opponent. He is merely practising his (verbal or physical ) fighting technique on you in order to enter a VIP competition with somebody more important.

4 Men are taught to be tough and macho because a proportion of the population has to defend the others and out in the world on the road, the marketplace, the street. You might get attacked by loonies. So the person who is older, taller, broad-shoulders, protects the smaller ones. 

A graphic example of this is in a film about Poland and the holocaust. A group of Jewish orphans sent to a new school are set upon by the old-timers (watched covertly by teachers - but that's a different issue). The oldest boy of the beseiged group takes charge and gets them to stand facing outwards in a circle. He shouts to the vulnerable tiny ones to get in the middle protected by the bigger boys. Really smart to spot the danger while still time to make a plan, to have figured out battle formation and defence without prior thought and to make an instant decision.

To go back to scenarios of people 'fighting' verbally. These people seem to think the best form of defence is attack. Over to you

Why Do Married People Get Irate When You Ask Why They Want To Meet You?

Dear Friend - If you write to me, may I have a first name, at least a nickname, so I can identify you and remember you? Psychology interests me because this is what, according to newsletters on dating sent to women, will ensure a long-term and satisfactory relationship. For many women and some men this would be a great improvement on one night stands and meeting for coffee or dinner dates with twenty people and not clicking with anyone. Or not securing the only one you want who marries somebody else. 

Ironically, if you sign up for newsletters to both sexes, you find that newsletters to men tell them how to get a woman into bed fast, whilst newsletters to women advise them never to jump straight into bed.) This started out as a reply to a correspondent but turned out long enough for a blog. So I sent it to my emailing acquaintance and then expanded it and made it into this blog.

A correspondent asked me why married women refuse to answer and get irate when he asks them why they want to have an affair? My first question to him is, why does he ask?  That's what they may be wondering. Is it because he wonders what his wife is up to? Or how to deal with the women - to give them what they are looking for? I suspect that they have previously answered the question and then been told by the questioner that 'we are looking for different things' or 'I can't give you what you want'. This explains the woman's refusal to answer the question.

But why would they get annoyed? Because he does not want to give them what they want - physical action - instead he is giving them conversation. Or a relationship. Which gets them emotionally involved. (Maybe they have children at home and can't risk this. Besides - it would leave them lonely in between meetings.)

Or they want to avoid judgmental advice. They don't want him to play teacher while they play student. That would make him counsellor, listener. He would have the power to make hurtful remarks. Or even blackmail them.

He is tipping the balance. He is saying, 'You have a problem. I can solve it. I'm better than you are. This is not an equal relationship. I'm superior to you.'

Maybe they feel powerless in their marriage or one aspect of their life. By having an illicit meeting, a long affair, or even a correspondence, they feel in a position of power, at least in control of their lives.

Another reason - for getting annoyed. They don't want to answer or analyse or be analysed. Married women or men don't want their motives and situation questioned. No woman wants to tell a stranger - 'I'm looking for somebody else because my husband doesn't love me and doesn't sleep with and doesn't praise me.' 

She might upset herself. Burst into tears. Or protray herself as a loser. Or teach the new person to repeat the pattern of her as victim, when in a new relationship or encounter she wants to be dominant or at least equal.

It would also be a betrayal of confidence to admit that her husband doesn't give her orgasms. She won't want to admit that she is looking for a richer man because he keeps her short of money - which means he does not love or respect her. Or that she is looking for kindness because he is abusive. 

Or that she is looking for attention because she is neglected. He is an introvert who reads the paper when at home, or he is exhausted from work, or he is always away travelling.

Maybe she is simply a practical person. He is an academic. An N on the Myers Briggs scale. Whilst she is an S. Not a person who reads recipes. A person who gets on with the cooking. She regards discussing everything as a stalling activity. She wants a decision, like many practical men. She wants to know, 'Will you sleep with me or not?' or 'Will you have a relationship with me or not? Or 'Are you going to tell me I'm always right and I'm wonderful or not?' 

She regards his questions as a sign that he has not yet made up his mind about her. If she gives the wrong answers, she will lose him. He doubts her. She does not want to expose her feelings and then get rejected. She does not want to waste time on a long interview. She wants to know whether she has got the job. If not, off to the next interview.

She may also think that what she wants to hear is that she is right. Support. Affirmation. Praise. Like, my coutnry right or wrong, she expects him to react, my woman right or wrong. Not, tell me your motives and I'll tell you whether you will succeed with me, and if not, why you are going wrong and will never succeed with anybody.

Men and many women are in another situation - the wanting more, more often, or a change. They don't want to risk an interrogator turning on them with remarks such as, 'If you are happily married you should not be cheating on your wife / spouse, you are risking your marriage, you are behaving badly,' and so on. 

Either they don't want to admit it to themselves. Or they don't want to hear your reaction. They know that even if you listen politely, by 'protesting too much' they will betray their own selfishness and the fact that they are risking their future for gratification now.

Finally, to end on a jolly note, my correspondent ended an email with the sign off 'Best'.

I went to reciprocate his wishes. Gosh - Americans do abbreviate things. As an English teach and former sub-editor on magazines I look at the word best which is an adjective and wonder which noun is missing. Best what? Best wishes? Whatever. I'm sure the reader knows what it means. One word saves paper and time to shorten everything. So Best

On second thoughts I can't bear to be so vague. I can afford ten seconds to type in another word

Best wishes

from Angela

Fetching Photos

Men's Photos Assuming you are looking for a girlfriend, I am speaking for women like me. My opinion - only my opinion, is this: 1 Show a face photo. 2 Smile. 3 No total nudes. 4 Nothing without a shirt unless you are in the sea or on a boat. Women's Photos 1 Show a face photo. 2 Wear lipstick. And smile. 3 if photographed from above (eg by somebody standing whilst you are sitting on a chair or bed) make sure that the photo does not elongate your nose and hide your upper lip so your nose seems to run into your mouth. 4 If you've got sexy undies but your face and hair still look frumpy and frizzy, go to the hairdresser for cut, or colour, or styling, or all three, and get lots of shots taken that day while the hair styling is fresh. Or wash your hair before the photo is taken. Check in the mirror that it looks right. Edit to eliminate stray hair sticking up or across your forehead. This can be done in a photo programme. You simply copy a few squares of colour from the adjoining area - painted wall or forehead. Superimpose the background colour over the stray hair you want to eliminate. I just got a MacBook which makes cropping photos even easier. If you have a friend who has a camera or phone which takes pictures or video, they can store them on their computer and crop them and then email them to you. Editing I watched a TV programme on call girls. One paid £1500 for photos. The photographer edited the pictures to give her a bigger bust or a bigger bottom. You can edit pictures for simpler improvements. Remove glare. Cut clutter and distracting items in the background by cropping. 

You can insert your picture in a coloured frame. Or draw a frame. Even if you do it freehand, you can draw the left side of a square or oval or heart shape or arch. Then reverse and copy so that you have the two sides matching,

Too Much Too Soon 2M2S

Too much too soon? I shall abbreviate to 2M2S. I just invented that, I believe. You saw it here first. You are welcome to copy the idea. If you have not seen it before, please remember that I said it here. There are three kinds of involvement which are too much too soon 2M2S: 1 PHONE CALLS & EMAILS FROM UNSEEN NAMELESS STRANGERS! Exchanging phone numbers with somebody who has not sent a photo nor a first name. A woman can get 80 winks and requests on one dating / friendship site alone. (And have three other entries elsewhere in one group of contact sites - some bring lots of responses, although one or two bring very few.) I was rather disenchanted with the anatomy pictures and distracting animated sidebars on one site. What I like about some sites is the ease of seeing all somebody's details so you can easily connect the message with the writer. On some sites you get one liners or even long messages and haven't a clue whether the writer is married or single, young or old, in your city or on another continent. It's useful to be able to see education and income. I can sometimes hazard a guess from the lifestyle and standard of writing. But a distressing number of people who claim to have postgraduate degrees or hold responsible jobs can't spell. I look at doctors and surgeons who can't spell and wonder if they prescribe the correct drugs. A pilot with poor English - would I be safe in his plane? And with the general lack of care I wonder how many of them can cope with a date or relationship. Are they capable of remembering your phone number or the name of the restaurant where you plan to meet? Could they be relied upon to use contraceptives? Would you really give out your phone number or email to all those people? Only if you were a call girl. In that case you would be charging. (According to a recent TV programme, in the UK students charge £100-200 an hour. A mature woman with an expensive wardrobe and website will fly overseas and can charge £9,000 a week. So a man who expects you to race across town and have sex with a stranger for the price of a cup of coffee is really mean and not the one for a girl looking for a long term relationship nor for a quickie.) 2 Getting emotionally involved before meeting He writes that he is enamoured. He says you are unique, unusual, and just what he is looking for. This could be a standard letter sent out to every female on the site. Unfortunately he is on holiday the other side of the world and won't be back home for 2-6 weeks. In my opinion it is a big mistake to write long emails or phone calls. You could be wasting two hours a week on a guy. And getting emotionally involved. Thinking you have a boyfriend. You don't. Then what happens? a He was lonely on holiday and had free time to email but he comes home and is too busy at work and spends free times with his partner in home city. b You meet and don't click. He's an introvert, happy on paper, totally tongue-tied when face to face. c He is much younger or older than you thought. You don't look a couple. You don't feel right. He never even looks at you nor touches you. d He thinks that you will jump into bed within five minutes of meeting him because he wrote twenty emails. Of course you won't. He is peeved. He thinks you don't like him. Well, you don't like his behaviour. e You are terribly disappointed because you thought this was going somewhere. The train doesn't depart until you get on it. In a station with dozens of trains when you have a specific destination in mind, you don't jump on the nearest train. You need to know which train you are on and know the destination. 3 Sex too soon. If you want one night stands, if that's the best you can get, if that is enough for you, well, fine. But it never worked for me. a You get involved with somebody immediately but quickly realize he is not for you long-term but can't say no. He (or she) isn't good enough or their lifestyle and yours are a mis-match. Sometime before, during or after you discover a deal-breaker. b You can't go on with this lifestyle for health reasons - you keep coming down with infections or you worry too much that you might. c You lose your reputation or self respect. d It's a security risk. e You realise you haven't time to write three hours a week to secure a date, then nine hours a week for a date the following week. That's three hour of writing to each of three men, to secure a date with one of them. It's too time-consuming. 4 Emotional Involvement With the Unavailable A lot of women make this mistake. A man says he is looking for no strings attached. You get emotionally involved. He doesn't. He is married and away on business a lot - so he says. Maybe he has a string of girls. Maybe he is alternating seeing men and seeing women. Maybe he is home with the wife and family. You are yearning and lonely. You reject everybody else because your heart is with him.

This can happen to men, too. I spoke to a married man who got involved with a woman who was single and said he could move in with her. But she wanted him immediately - in the middle of his daughter's school-leaving exams. He wanted her to wait a month or two. Then she threw a fit. She said make up your mind, now or never. He was emotionally involved with her and was upset. Now he wonders whether she had never married because she was never willing to commit. So that's the last 'too much too soon' scenario. Four scenarios where you should hold onto information and emotional involvement: Giving out your information; getting emotionally involved before meeting; getting involved with the unavailable; spending too much time time chasing one off dates. Am I right? Or wrong? Can I hear the woman's view? And the man's viewpoint? Have I missed anything out?