Ironically, if you sign up for newsletters to both sexes, you find that newsletters to men tell them how to get a woman into bed fast, whilst newsletters to women advise them never to jump straight into bed.) This started out as a reply to a correspondent but turned out long enough for a blog. So I sent it to my emailing acquaintance and then expanded it and made it into this blog.
A correspondent asked me why married women refuse to answer and get irate when he asks them why they want to have an affair? My first question to him is, why does he ask? That's what they may be wondering. Is it because he wonders what his wife is up to? Or how to deal with the women - to give them what they are looking for? I suspect that they have previously answered the question and then been told by the questioner that 'we are looking for different things' or 'I can't give you what you want'. This explains the woman's refusal to answer the question.
But why would they get annoyed? Because he does not want to give them what they want - physical action - instead he is giving them conversation. Or a relationship. Which gets them emotionally involved. (Maybe they have children at home and can't risk this. Besides - it would leave them lonely in between meetings.)
Or they want to avoid judgmental advice. They don't want him to play teacher while they play student. That would make him counsellor, listener. He would have the power to make hurtful remarks. Or even blackmail them.
He is tipping the balance. He is saying, 'You have a problem. I can solve it. I'm better than you are. This is not an equal relationship. I'm superior to you.'
Maybe they feel powerless in their marriage or one aspect of their life. By having an illicit meeting, a long affair, or even a correspondence, they feel in a position of power, at least in control of their lives.
Another reason - for getting annoyed. They don't want to answer or analyse or be analysed. Married women or men don't want their motives and situation questioned. No woman wants to tell a stranger - 'I'm looking for somebody else because my husband doesn't love me and doesn't sleep with and doesn't praise me.'
She might upset herself. Burst into tears. Or protray herself as a loser. Or teach the new person to repeat the pattern of her as victim, when in a new relationship or encounter she wants to be dominant or at least equal.
It would also be a betrayal of confidence to admit that her husband doesn't give her orgasms. She won't want to admit that she is looking for a richer man because he keeps her short of money - which means he does not love or respect her. Or that she is looking for kindness because he is abusive.
Or that she is looking for attention because she is neglected. He is an introvert who reads the paper when at home, or he is exhausted from work, or he is always away travelling.
Maybe she is simply a practical person. He is an academic. An N on the Myers Briggs scale. Whilst she is an S. Not a person who reads recipes. A person who gets on with the cooking. She regards discussing everything as a stalling activity. She wants a decision, like many practical men. She wants to know, 'Will you sleep with me or not?' or 'Will you have a relationship with me or not? Or 'Are you going to tell me I'm always right and I'm wonderful or not?'
She regards his questions as a sign that he has not yet made up his mind about her. If she gives the wrong answers, she will lose him. He doubts her. She does not want to expose her feelings and then get rejected. She does not want to waste time on a long interview. She wants to know whether she has got the job. If not, off to the next interview.
She may also think that what she wants to hear is that she is right. Support. Affirmation. Praise. Like, my coutnry right or wrong, she expects him to react, my woman right or wrong. Not, tell me your motives and I'll tell you whether you will succeed with me, and if not, why you are going wrong and will never succeed with anybody.
Men and many women are in another situation - the wanting more, more often, or a change. They don't want to risk an interrogator turning on them with remarks such as, 'If you are happily married you should not be cheating on your wife / spouse, you are risking your marriage, you are behaving badly,' and so on.
Either they don't want to admit it to themselves. Or they don't want to hear your reaction. They know that even if you listen politely, by 'protesting too much' they will betray their own selfishness and the fact that they are risking their future for gratification now.
Finally, to end on a jolly note, my correspondent ended an email with the sign off 'Best'.
I went to reciprocate his wishes. Gosh - Americans do abbreviate things. As an English teach and former sub-editor on magazines I look at the word best which is an adjective and wonder which noun is missing. Best what? Best wishes? Whatever. I'm sure the reader knows what it means. One word saves paper and time to shorten everything. So Best
On second thoughts I can't bear to be so vague. I can afford ten seconds to type in another word
Best wishes
from Angela
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