Attention-getting humour - how much is too much?

I have read several profiles of men which are negative, occasionally humorous, but you are left wondering whether they are ranting or humorous or just plain weird. 

They start:

'I am not a millionaire who ... I have three yachts and two heads.

or

'I am a millionaire who - only joking. Actually I am unemployed.'

or 

'I do not play with dolphins and ride into sunsets.'

or  

'Two elephants met on a dating site and ...' 

or 

'I like sunsets with yellow dots. My hand wanders over the mouse and ...' 

One ended with, 'I hope you appreciate my humour'. 

I didn't. I wondered what he was high on. Or would he sit grumbling about the world? Or would he start verbally attacking his date for her conventional or outlandish clothes and expectations? 

A man who calls himself your dinner date or your ideal man may be boasting. But that is what a woman is looking for. 

If he calls himself Mr Wild, Mr Nasty or Mr Fed Up, or says the site is a waste of time he sounds like a loser. At best he may be somebody who has no enthusiasm and joy in inviting the female reader out to dinner.

By all means include the odd - yes, even odd, remark. Maybe you think that you cannot mix humour and serious sentences without making the serious ones sounds insincere and the humorous ones too unexpected. Then put the serious stuff in another paragraph. But make sure at least half your profile or email is sensible. Finish on an invitation to action. 

At least say something like, 'If you find my humour amusing, write back and we could have an evening of banter together.' 

But if you just end with only one sentence, the reader is left wondering if it will be an entire evening of monologue humour. Will she meet somebody incapable of coping with life? What sort of job can they hold down if they cannot give a straight answer to a question? 

Here are my thoughts on one profile and email:

This does not sound like an invitation to a dinner date or a relationship. It is not an invitation to conversation, more a monologue. A profile and email consisting entirely of offbeat jokes is unnerving first thing in the morning when one is at work and hoping for a sensible letter like a CV telling you the other person's good qualities and what you can easily do to satisfy their criteria. Nothing but humour sounds as if the other person is high and in a world of their own, rather than interested in the reader and matching the reader.

As a stage performer myself, I read a 'funny' monologue and feel that perhaps we could do a comedy stage act together. But could the writer be relied on to have a sensible conversation about arrangements to turn up on time? 

If your title does not promote yourself, it is not good PR.

Sounds like you are making fun of the site and the reader.

Think what you are offering the reader and what action you wish them to take. 

I was scared of getting involved with a nutter. I decided to write a general blog here instead. 

I would reply to the man who was both cheerful and sensible, in control, happy with himself and the site and life. The one who said he was hopeful, or had met some great people but still looking for more friends and somebody special. I bet a lot of readers would agree with me. 

What do you think? Have you written an offbeat profile? Have you tried two of different tones, to see which got better responses? Have you met somebody who wrote one? Were they better than expected or worse?

Smile Please

ANYBODY ROUND HERE GOT A SMILE?  

Some people look like depressives anonymous. Maybe I should start a subgroup for smilers. They say that to run a successful restaurant you need to be able to smile. If you expect to meet somebody you have to smile. I seem to remember that I wrote a post along these lines some time ago. A lot of people sent in comments along the lines of: 'I do so agree with you.' 

I clicked on their profiles and found glum faces. I nearly fell off my chair laughing. So, if you write back saying you agree with me, but you have a glum photo, maybe you could explain why. AND later change it!

PHOTOS OF EYES

LOVELY EYES Most women are looking for a real man, one with a head on his shoulders. And nice eyes! That's the biggest turn on. Lots of studies tell you that animals actually use eyes to turn each other on, reach best orgasms after prolonged eye contact. What's the worst date? The one where the other person won't meet your eyes. And the best date, where the other person just looks into your eyes. The eyes have it. Smiling eyes. That's the biggest turn-on. Eyes. Yum!

Why you should exchange photos early when dating online

I think if you write to a woman and don't send a photo and she has shown even a partial photo you should offer to send a photo eventually/later whatever. You can't envisage somebody without a picture. At least show that you would be willing and able to send a photo if the other person is happy to continue emailing. Or am I wrong? Will a man automatically want to send a picture and find out if she likes him? I think it's better to send and receive photos early on. If the photo is a total disaster, you can anticipate that even strangers who saw you together in a public place would be muttering, 'what the hell do they see in each other!' Better than encourage somebody and then have to find a way of tactfully saying:

'Er, no thanks, I've changed my mind - pity we've both wasted hours on this.''

Yours sincerely, still desperate, but totally mis-matched.'' No photo no answer probably won't bring results, being too aggressive and unfriendly, not encouraging enough for the nervous. I think I'll go with a phrase such as, ' You sound a very nice/interesting person. I'd love to see a picture of you '.

It's very encouraging to be told, 'You look lovely!'

Why Do People Argue, And Play Games, Control Games?

1 One word sums up a specific control game, one upmanship. The Singaporeans call it Kiasu or getting ahead. (Kiasu activities include motorists overtaking you and pulling in front sharply even when you are the only two cars on the road. This is to my mind pointlessly going out 'looking for a fight'. I presume they think they are keeping in training, practising keeping constantly alert in a competitive society in a tiny over-populated city-state where they have no natural resources and rely on a combination of brains and pushing to get ahead at work and in housing and everything. )

2 I don't like games because I feel they are insincere, based on saying the opposite of you want. Like playing hard to get not because you are respectable but to tease the other person and extract favours which ought to be freely given. And never saying I love you. What sort of basis is this for a long-term relationship? I had devoted parents and ultimately my ideal is that I would like the same. But some argue that it is a question of order and timing. You don't put the cart before the horse. Start slow and only talk about commitment and commit when you are both ready.

3 What bothers me about games is that a game is not only setting ground rules - start as you mean to go on - but a game may be only the first rung in a ladder competition. As soon as the opponent has one this round, he has the confidence to go on and pick a bigger opponent. He is merely practising his (verbal or physical ) fighting technique on you in order to enter a VIP competition with somebody more important.

4 Men are taught to be tough and macho because a proportion of the population has to defend the others and out in the world on the road, the marketplace, the street. You might get attacked by loonies. So the person who is older, taller, broad-shoulders, protects the smaller ones. 

A graphic example of this is in a film about Poland and the holocaust. A group of Jewish orphans sent to a new school are set upon by the old-timers (watched covertly by teachers - but that's a different issue). The oldest boy of the beseiged group takes charge and gets them to stand facing outwards in a circle. He shouts to the vulnerable tiny ones to get in the middle protected by the bigger boys. Really smart to spot the danger while still time to make a plan, to have figured out battle formation and defence without prior thought and to make an instant decision.

To go back to scenarios of people 'fighting' verbally. These people seem to think the best form of defence is attack. Over to you

Why Do Married People Get Irate When You Ask Why They Want To Meet You?

Dear Friend - If you write to me, may I have a first name, at least a nickname, so I can identify you and remember you? Psychology interests me because this is what, according to newsletters on dating sent to women, will ensure a long-term and satisfactory relationship. For many women and some men this would be a great improvement on one night stands and meeting for coffee or dinner dates with twenty people and not clicking with anyone. Or not securing the only one you want who marries somebody else. 

Ironically, if you sign up for newsletters to both sexes, you find that newsletters to men tell them how to get a woman into bed fast, whilst newsletters to women advise them never to jump straight into bed.) This started out as a reply to a correspondent but turned out long enough for a blog. So I sent it to my emailing acquaintance and then expanded it and made it into this blog.

A correspondent asked me why married women refuse to answer and get irate when he asks them why they want to have an affair? My first question to him is, why does he ask?  That's what they may be wondering. Is it because he wonders what his wife is up to? Or how to deal with the women - to give them what they are looking for? I suspect that they have previously answered the question and then been told by the questioner that 'we are looking for different things' or 'I can't give you what you want'. This explains the woman's refusal to answer the question.

But why would they get annoyed? Because he does not want to give them what they want - physical action - instead he is giving them conversation. Or a relationship. Which gets them emotionally involved. (Maybe they have children at home and can't risk this. Besides - it would leave them lonely in between meetings.)

Or they want to avoid judgmental advice. They don't want him to play teacher while they play student. That would make him counsellor, listener. He would have the power to make hurtful remarks. Or even blackmail them.

He is tipping the balance. He is saying, 'You have a problem. I can solve it. I'm better than you are. This is not an equal relationship. I'm superior to you.'

Maybe they feel powerless in their marriage or one aspect of their life. By having an illicit meeting, a long affair, or even a correspondence, they feel in a position of power, at least in control of their lives.

Another reason - for getting annoyed. They don't want to answer or analyse or be analysed. Married women or men don't want their motives and situation questioned. No woman wants to tell a stranger - 'I'm looking for somebody else because my husband doesn't love me and doesn't sleep with and doesn't praise me.' 

She might upset herself. Burst into tears. Or protray herself as a loser. Or teach the new person to repeat the pattern of her as victim, when in a new relationship or encounter she wants to be dominant or at least equal.

It would also be a betrayal of confidence to admit that her husband doesn't give her orgasms. She won't want to admit that she is looking for a richer man because he keeps her short of money - which means he does not love or respect her. Or that she is looking for kindness because he is abusive. 

Or that she is looking for attention because she is neglected. He is an introvert who reads the paper when at home, or he is exhausted from work, or he is always away travelling.

Maybe she is simply a practical person. He is an academic. An N on the Myers Briggs scale. Whilst she is an S. Not a person who reads recipes. A person who gets on with the cooking. She regards discussing everything as a stalling activity. She wants a decision, like many practical men. She wants to know, 'Will you sleep with me or not?' or 'Will you have a relationship with me or not? Or 'Are you going to tell me I'm always right and I'm wonderful or not?' 

She regards his questions as a sign that he has not yet made up his mind about her. If she gives the wrong answers, she will lose him. He doubts her. She does not want to expose her feelings and then get rejected. She does not want to waste time on a long interview. She wants to know whether she has got the job. If not, off to the next interview.

She may also think that what she wants to hear is that she is right. Support. Affirmation. Praise. Like, my coutnry right or wrong, she expects him to react, my woman right or wrong. Not, tell me your motives and I'll tell you whether you will succeed with me, and if not, why you are going wrong and will never succeed with anybody.

Men and many women are in another situation - the wanting more, more often, or a change. They don't want to risk an interrogator turning on them with remarks such as, 'If you are happily married you should not be cheating on your wife / spouse, you are risking your marriage, you are behaving badly,' and so on. 

Either they don't want to admit it to themselves. Or they don't want to hear your reaction. They know that even if you listen politely, by 'protesting too much' they will betray their own selfishness and the fact that they are risking their future for gratification now.

Finally, to end on a jolly note, my correspondent ended an email with the sign off 'Best'.

I went to reciprocate his wishes. Gosh - Americans do abbreviate things. As an English teach and former sub-editor on magazines I look at the word best which is an adjective and wonder which noun is missing. Best what? Best wishes? Whatever. I'm sure the reader knows what it means. One word saves paper and time to shorten everything. So Best

On second thoughts I can't bear to be so vague. I can afford ten seconds to type in another word

Best wishes

from Angela

Fetching Photos

Men's Photos Assuming you are looking for a girlfriend, I am speaking for women like me. My opinion - only my opinion, is this: 1 Show a face photo. 2 Smile. 3 No total nudes. 4 Nothing without a shirt unless you are in the sea or on a boat. Women's Photos 1 Show a face photo. 2 Wear lipstick. And smile. 3 if photographed from above (eg by somebody standing whilst you are sitting on a chair or bed) make sure that the photo does not elongate your nose and hide your upper lip so your nose seems to run into your mouth. 4 If you've got sexy undies but your face and hair still look frumpy and frizzy, go to the hairdresser for cut, or colour, or styling, or all three, and get lots of shots taken that day while the hair styling is fresh. Or wash your hair before the photo is taken. Check in the mirror that it looks right. Edit to eliminate stray hair sticking up or across your forehead. This can be done in a photo programme. You simply copy a few squares of colour from the adjoining area - painted wall or forehead. Superimpose the background colour over the stray hair you want to eliminate. I just got a MacBook which makes cropping photos even easier. If you have a friend who has a camera or phone which takes pictures or video, they can store them on their computer and crop them and then email them to you. Editing I watched a TV programme on call girls. One paid £1500 for photos. The photographer edited the pictures to give her a bigger bust or a bigger bottom. You can edit pictures for simpler improvements. Remove glare. Cut clutter and distracting items in the background by cropping. 

You can insert your picture in a coloured frame. Or draw a frame. Even if you do it freehand, you can draw the left side of a square or oval or heart shape or arch. Then reverse and copy so that you have the two sides matching,