Speaking Positively - how it helps

 A member of one of my Toastmasters clubs is in a WhatsApp group. I see a distressing message from 'F'. She wants to take legal action against C for harassing her. She demands that I support her in this. She proposes to go higher up the orgnization and says she is no longer a member of our club because of the ill-will.

I think about this. If F is no longer a member of our club, then the next level of authrity cannot hold a meeting to consider expelling a member, because the member who has left cannot take any action, and cannot herself be expelled if she is found to be the one at fault. 

My experience of the internal court process is that it is very time consuming and time time wasting. Many epople have to be brought in as witnesses or potential witnesses regarding a meeting. If the event was several months or years ago, it was before the jurisdiction of the present volunteer leaders. They currently have their own priorities, which is expanding membership, with rewards, not attempting to punish people and thus lose yet another member. Certainly the stress will have an adverse effect on the productivity and morale of people at all levels. 

F has health problems and her moods go up and down. She has told a religious group that she is changing her religion from theirs to another religion.

C is my close friend. She has a health problem and a relationship split. She can do without stress. (So can I!)  

I try to ignore it and get on with my work.

The club President is very diplomatic. He suggests to F that they go offline and have a private chat to see if the relationship between F and C can be healed.

I phone C to find out her side of the story.

She says

a) She tired to phone F many times to help her, but the calls were not answered.

She invited F to a book launch. F accepted but never turned up.

b)

The Current F and C Altercation

I asked F about the event she accepted but did not attend. 

(I did not say anything about reliability, meaning that if you say you will do somthing, or that you will be somewhere, you should go along. If not send apologies. Say, I hope it went well, or, I am glad it went well.)

F replied, that she accepted out of politeness, but had a better activity to attend. 

Perhaps the solution to this is to suggest that you would like to attend but probably will not. 

For example, 'I will, if I can. I am waiting to hear confirmation of a medical appointment which is scheduled for that date. If they postpone it, I will be able to come along, but don't count on it.'  

F has a birthday coming up. 

J replied, 'I would love to be there, but unfortunately I am overseas.' (A common prhase from those who decline is, I do hope it goes well.)

You don't have to give a real or imaginary more important rival engagement. You simply have to call it a prior engagement. if you change your mind and attend, you might say, truthfully or as a polite white lie, 'I persuaded them to change their meeting date."

I told F that C has a medical problem. (I did not say, I don't want you to stress her.) I said, People who have medical problems often get upsest with the whole world, even their friends. It's like when a dog is taken to the vet. The vet tries to help the dog, but the dog tires to bite the vet, because it is in pain and does not know the cause, so it attacks the nearest living thing. 

The vet has to understand that the sick dog will probably be all friendly again as soon as the medical problem is solved. It is not the the vet's fault. He just happens to be in the way.

Sometimes people are old and sick and get grumpy. They may be upset because they know they are old and sick. or they may not even realise that they are sick, but the illness affects them and makes their mood change. They don't have the energy to cope with life. 

If you can't help them, it may be in your interests just to stay out of their way.

Another Altercation F has had with S, five years ago

F says she was invited to F's private, corporate business association club meeting by a third party who was not at the meeting. S would not admit her and got the guard of the building to prevent her entering.

I said, I have had the same problem with S's condo, and with offices in the business district. Firstly, the guard is not allowed to admit you unless you are on a guest list or have written confirmation. If she tries to argue with the guard on your behalf, the guard might turn on her and ban her club from meeting there again. She is busy running a meeting and does not have time to argue with the guard, nor get stressed out. You just have to go away and make sure that next time you are invited by somebody in authority, and can present the written invitation to the guard.

Instead of getting angry because you could not attend the meeting, apologise. Why?

F complains that S told her to kill herself. 

I do not know whether that was true. It sounded unlikely. Unless F had threated to do so. Even if S had threatened to kill F, that sounded unlikely. However, I was reminded of a true incident.

I said to F:

Different cultures have different views on what is an insult or a threat, whether between stranger, friends of family. Even within the same country.

For example, I went to collect my son from his schoolfriend's house. The other boy's mother came running out of the house after her son, shouting, 'I'll kill you!'

I was shocked, horrified. In my entire life, I had never heard anybody in my family say such a thing to anybody, certainly not to their nearest and dearest.

My son shrugged. He explained, "That's the way they talk.. They say it all the time. They all say it. It doesn't mean they'll do it. It's just the way they talk. Don't let it upset you."

So threatening to take legal action against somebody who talks like that would just be a waste of your time. You are stressing youserlf for nothing. If their way of talking upsets you, just keep away from them. Have nothing more to do with them. Don't talk to them. 

There are plenty of people who like you and say nice things to you all the time. Don't get upset about one person who said something nasty five years ago. You have five people who have said nice things to you this year and this week.

Do you have any nice things to look forward to? Are you doing anything successful at work? Will you be doing anything important? Think about that. Put up on the notice board the event, or holiday, which you are looking forward to. Every time you think about the past wrong, forget it. You can't change the past. You need your psoitive thoughts and energy to do good things for yourself in the future. Instead look at what you have to put your energy into. A holiday. A conference. An event. A meeting. A party. A concert. A play. A contest. A game.

If you run into your old enemy, treat them as a friend. Long time no see. Glad to see you looking so well. Good of you to come. You are looking great. Love your hat. Your friends are a credit to you.

Apologise

We have a joke in England that you can identify an Englishman in a pub. You tread on his foot, and he apologises to you! 

That prevents an argument. It doesn't matter who was right or wrong. What matters is to maintain goodwill.

Do you want to provoke a fight? No! Why have more stress!

Be nice, try to aplologise, and often the person will be nice to you.

Please share your favourite posts. Please follow my blogs.

How should a lady act?

Always leave a room as you find it. Plump up the sofa cushions. Remove used cups, drink cans. Unlike the popular song, you should not leave behind cigarettes in the ash tray.

What is a gentleman?

Clothes and Appearance
   A gentleman wears a tie (or cravat) with a shirt. He never wears jeans and tee-shirts on a first date. He does not show his chest in a restaurant. He does not have a beard, moustache, nor show chest hair in a restaurant. He is never bare-chested in a public place except on a beach. He does not have missing teeth.


Car
   He cleans the car. he removes clutter and dead leaves from the footwell. He clears the passenger seat.

Restaurants
   He does not eat in the street. He ensures that his companion has something to eat or drink every couple of hours. He warns if he has to finish a meal early and checks his companion has time for dessert and coffee and if necessary hurries the service.

  He drinks water with wine so he does not get drunk nor have bad breath. He does not invite you out just for a coffee then describe the five course dinner he ate last night.

   If he chats to the waiter he looks at his companion every second or third sentence to include her in the conversation.

Conversation
   He does not talk only about himself and how wonderful he is all evening. He stops every third sentence to allow the other person to speak, agree, or ask questions.

Toilets
   Do not leave the toilet seat up. Especially not when visiting a lady. The next man to arrive, her husband, father, son, neighbour, worker, mother, daughter, sister, brother, colleague, boss, employee, male or female, will raise the eyebrows and wonder, 'Who has she been entertaining.'

How to choose, court, meet a girl on a dating site

1 First choose the right girl.
A photo shows how pretty she is.
Her profile shows how interesting she is.

2 Is it worthwhile to follow up if no answers?
Yes, she might have been overseas, working, still seeing somebody old, seeing somebody new which didn't work out, or mislaid your initial note but doesn't like to admit it.
But reply positively. remembered her. Suggest positive results. Might still like to drop me a line, maybe meet.

3 Check her location? Is the destination suitable for her?
Don't travel to a far destination to meet her and then find she lives round the corner to you and you could have saved both the travel.

4 Follow up with how much you enjoyed meeting her. If she was OK but not special enough, would suit somebody but not you, admit it but keep her in your circle. You've already agreed not to meet again, suggest you have a friend she might like, and maybe she has a friend you might like. Arrange a foursome in which you meet one of her friends and she meets one of yours. At least you know who might like her. And vice versa.

Keep her on your list for a Xmas party, housewarming, game of bridge, dinner party, club outing, pub get together, reunion, whatever. Get all your friends who do dating to invite back the people they met in the area.  

Writing An Encouraging Profile

Profiles sometimes catch your attention and make you think although they fail to stir you to action and reply. today I had some thoughts about how a profile could be improved. And I'm using this as a memorable example.

Accentuate The Positive

Today I noticed a profile from a man who was a middle-aged virgin and said he was 'desperate'.

The word desperate was already off-putting. Any negative word is off-putting. Look for a positive word. A better word would have been keen.

Desperate evokes a series of images, which might be wrong, and irrelevant. 

It means different things to different people. To me it suggested that contacting him was taking a risk because things could go from bad to worse:

1 A loser. A failure. Has never attracted a woman. A loner. No friends. Unattractive.

2 Deeply unhappy. Possibly a depressive. Could even be suicidal.

3 A man willing to pay for sex. His ad might attract call girls.

4 Somebody with no alternative - might become a stalker. 

5 Too clinging. A million problems. Why has he never attracted anybody? Plain? Stupid? Poor health? Criminal record? Been in prison? Always lived at home? Mama's boy? Homeless? Would he want not just sex but money and a home?

6 Total submissive? No confidence? No ideas? No initiative? Can't study, hold down a job, organize a date at a romantic restaurant. Can't buy a bunch of flowers. No persistence?

7 No social graces. Low IQ. Possible mental problems.

All these ideas floated through my head - caused by just one word!

I was not interested in meeting him but was sufficiently curious to read down his list of attributes. 

Under children I expected him to say none. I would have thought - obviously, no sex means no children.

But he had ticked on or clicked on no answer which comes up as 'prefer not to say'. 

Why?

Too lazy to fill in the form?

Too evasive to answer the simplest question.

Hiding something - actually has adopted children - here my imagination runs riot. With no clues from him I run a checklist of every possibility to see what is possible or likely. He has had a sexless marriage and adopted children. Or married an older woman who already had children but didn't want sex. 

He has been a priest. Or teacher. At a boarding school. A special needs school.

I have given you a lot of negatives. Now let me brighten up this blog. I would also like to reassure anybody who has included any of these three ideas (virgin, desperate, prefer not to say whether I have children) that they can re-write to create a more positive impression.

Desperate

As I said earlier, look for positive words. And positive thoughts.

For positive words, use a thesaurus.

Play happy music. 

Imagine you are a GP (to any American readers - a British General Practitioners is a family doctor). Adopt a jolly bedside manner or the cheeriness of the doctor. 

So let's change the word desperate. The doctor or adviser or counsellor says, 'So Mr Desperate, you have now decided to take action to solve your problem. Excellent. You are keen to meet a nice lady. What are you looking for? Who would you get on with? What can you offer her?'

I now see why some dating sites have done the work for you. They ask you to describe yourself, and they put hints in brackets.

They even ask why somebody would want to meet you.

Why would anybody want to meet a desperate man?

Why would anybody want to meet a virgin?

And how can he counteract the impressions I suggested earlier.

Here are a few suggestions:

I think you will see from this how a profile can be improved. Amazingly, after one nods one's head in agreement, thinking, well, this is common sense, this is obvious, often you go back to your own writing and find you have hastily written off the thought of the moment. Your first thought was not checked at the time. Nor later. There in your own writing, are all the errors which, when made by other people, were so obvious that you tutted and shook your head and wondered why they could not see.

Excuse me - I must go off and check what else I wrote today, giving the impression that I'm some negative, awkward person. When, of course, I am all sweetness and light. I ooze kindness. I am positive thinking, and the most intelligent, insightful and charming person you could hope to meet or read!  Anybody would love to meet me.

Positive Attitude Pays

I like people who are positive. Happy. Fun to be with. I'm looking for somebody who gets on well with anybody and everybody. Determined to have a happy evening. Planning little surprises. Even if we don't like each other, it will be a memorable evening. Liking somebody is not just looks. Nor money. Nor morals. Nor having a job. Nor even being moral and of unblemished character. Plenty of horrid people get married. At one time they were nice to the person who decide to marry them. (Then they stopped trying.) There's a saying, 'A man who opens a restaurant must smile.' If you run a business or are in sales or the media you have to get on well with everybody.

I've read lots of blogs by other women on dating sites. Many of the women talk about what annoys them:

1 Men not reading the woman's profile. No teamwork. No interest in what she wants.

2 A variation on the previous - demands that the woman conforms to what the man wants.

3 Confrontation.

Playing hard to get might work with some people but a mature woman like me appreciates being treasured. By a man who is calm and confident. Happy to have a pleasant evening. Determined to have fun and enjoy himself. No good a man looking for 'fun' with a miserable face. If that makes you laugh, and smile and nod, then you are my sort of person.  

Assuming you've got past he email stage to speaking on the phone and discussing arranging a date. He might ask, 'What if we don't like each other?' 

There are some funny replies I could make. Such as: 

a) You've got to be better than the man I married. 

b) How could I not like you? You are such a nice person. 

c) You must be better than the last three I met.  

(a) The one whose fiancee had committed suicide. He was so miserable, I wasn't surprised.  

(b) The man who told me he had just enough money to get by - after we'd ordered a three course meal. I spent the whole of dinner worrying whether he would pay and if he would starve for a month. Fortunately food was included in his live in job at a public school (private school to readers in the USA)  

(c) The man who was a singer, which sounded jolly, except he never spoke above a whisper. We sat in a place with loud music. He thought I was going deaf. I thought he need assertiveness training.  

They all kept me mesmerized all evening. Somehow they weren't happy and confident enough to reach a second date.  

Worrying about short term or long term is a waste of time. Why worry about whether we could get on long term? If we really get on well, we'll work it out.  

If we can't get through a conversation on the phone, we won't get to a date, never mind more. As for the negatives, people can be like Romeo and Juliet, battle on despite the whole world being against them.  

So, how about the man who asks, 'What if we don't like each other?' We might not like each other, but we both have enough experience and wit and good will to be entertaining. We should be appreciative of somebody who has faced the uncertainty and stress of the meeting, and the time and trouble to get to the meeting place. They have cleared their evening, allocated time, made an effort.  

I have doubts if I hear too many fears. 'What if we don't like each other?' Sounds like this person is going to take a look at you and walk out. Sounds like many people would take a look at the speaker and walk out.  

On the other hand, I am a bit wary about 'I'm in love with you already!' That sounds like the other person is unrealistic and will find I don't match their expectations.  

I like a calm, confident, happy, realistic optimistic. Everybody likes me. I like everybody I meet. I always have an interesting time. But I have a much better time if I stick to people who are determined to have a great time. I think you will, too.

And make sure you give the other person the impression that you will be fun to be with.

Saying too Much - Don't Lose It - How To Find It

Don't say too much. Could they possibly object to your interests in guns and tanks, snakes and crocodiles, crossword puzzles and gnomes, aligning your vases and trees in Feng Shui, and is that absolutely essential?

At this time there's no point in getting frantic because he or she prefers jazz to opera or tennis to swimming - if you forever make demands for exact matches you never meet anybody.