How To Be Like The Ideal Parent, Boss, Head Teacher or Lover or Boyfriend Controlling A Relationship
by Angela Lansbury
I fondly remember being in a decade-long relationship with a man who is alas now no longer around. I gleefully recall how he dealt with a situation where the telephone line went dead. I had allowed a discussion about a third party who had insulted one of us to the other to get out of hand.
I got annoyed with my friend who I thought was at fault. (Of course it was the third party's fault. We should have been a team against outside attack. Not siding with the enemy from without. Two against one. One of us with a stranger? No.)
The tension was too much for me to tolerate. I got so cross that I put the phone down.
I stared miserably at the phone. I had just ended a relationship of years. Over what? Something which could be forgotten tomorrow, or in a month's time. Probably a misunderstand. And where had he illwill started? Not from us. From an outsider who criticised one of us.
I had ruined everything. I did not see how I could retrieve the situation. Apologise? Risk getting rejected? Feel even worse?
But Mr Wonderful was totally in charge. The phone went again. He didn't make a drama. He was funny. He blamed me - but only for inattention. He assumed I simply had unshakeable goodwill towards him.
He didn't start again. He carried on from where we'd left off. "As I was saying, before we got interrupted - you got so excited you dropped the phone. Now listen to me, darling. This is what WE are going to do about it ..."
How could you or I or anybody else assume the control which he did?
As a parent of a child twenty year younger than yourself, you know you have an ongoing and probably lifelong relationship. You know you are in charge. It is up to you to not make a fuss about little things. To stop tantrums and arguments. To remain calm if the other partner makes a mistake. To restore goodwill if the other person loses their cool and move on without recriminations.
A headmistress (or master) is in the same position as mother (or father). She has a pupil for several years, and will be available out of hours, after school, in the evening, when on holiday if there’s a crisis, possibly for life. She I expected to keep calm and not get in a shouting match even if the other person starts it.
She may devote a long period to listen to somebody and their problems. But if necessary, she must break off to deal with her other responsibilities, and as a responsible person she has many, whilst assuring the child or adult needing help that she will come back to them.
How do I decide what to do? I think of myself as that responsible headmistress or parent. If your mother or father lost their temper, got upset, hostile, had rows, stopped speaking, was hurtful, or didn’t treat you in the way you would like to follow, then focus on your ideal parent. The one you would like to have had. How would the ideal mother or father deal with this situation? Do what they would do, and you will be calm, confident in charge, and have an unshakable relationship with some who will be devoted to you and trust you and admire.
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