Restaurant Invitations and Table Manners - Gracious Hosts

Why do some people just click with you, yet others jar? It's good to come across a few who are annoying. Makes you appreciate the real sweeties.

Let me tell you about some of the iffy ones. I've read profiles of or spoken to some men who claim to be very wealthy. You know that if they have lived all over the world and they are staying in a five star hotel and have a certain type of job and a house with four or more bedrooms and a large car and know the top places in almost any city you mention and spend their spare time playing golf they are not short of money and can probably put dinner on expenses.

Never mind what a man will do on date two. Most surveys say you have to date an average of about twenty to find your perfect match. Some couples are very lucky. Some people are less lucky.

But that means that you have to spend 19 out of 20 evenings with Mr not quite right. Nineteen times out of twenty it is not a perfect match. So you have to make the best of the activity or surroundings to give your first date the best chance of success.

I put a lot of effort into looking nice on a date. I think most women do. So we want men to have also put in some effort.

Obviously personality type and where you work has something to do with it. One friend suggested to me that Italian men are more likely than the British to take pride in being well-groomed, whatever their income.

Yet along comes a man who is short of time but has loads of money. He only wants to invite women out for a date to a pub or for cup of coffee. A pair of new tights is going to cost her more than the cup of coffee. And her income is less than his so she is spending proportionally more.

Sometimes the upmarket man's email or phone call is full of challenging words, "Why would a man like me want a woman like you?"

Maybe I'm just being over sensitive. Perhaps that a perfectly reasonable question?

No. I prefer the man who says, 'I'm a great cook, I love in a pleasant modern / traditional house in the heart of the city / countryside.'

He should then enthuse about her and ask, 'Do tell me more about yourself.' As if he is interested. Not as if he is a bouncer on the door suspiciously checking the ID of a gatecrasher.

Of course this applies to women, too.

He should also love his job. And have a great place he'd love to take you. Or be willing to find a great place nearer the woman so she doesn't have to travel.

If she's coming by car, he should be sure she can park somewhere safe. He should offer her options. Would you prefer A or B?

What about the sort of approach which I feel creates the wrong impression?

'If we get along ...,' they say, 'I'll do this, I'll do that.'

No 'ifs'. No promises which are destined to leave 19 out of women disappointed.

Wait and see. Don't make promises you can't keep.

After the man has established that the woman still likes him - despite the medical problem he never mentioned, then he can make offers.

Or he says, 'That'll come later.'

Just a minute. There are ten women to every man on this site. I might not want to meet him again. I'm only interested in this date. If he doesn't impress me on date one, he doesn't get a second date.

What does he get aggressive at any mention of meeting of meeting for a meal. 'Are you a gold-digger?' he demands. What can one say to that?

On the other hand a dear little taxi driver is nearly in tears because he feels he is not good enough when I turn up looking glamorous and sweet at the pub or fish and chip shop. Which I've suggested, having got a clue about what I think is his modest budget and usual style of a grand date.

I can only conclude that either:

a) The men claiming to be wealthy have so many offers they can go on forever persuading desperate women to do anything for a cup of coffee and a dream.

b) They are mean. So mean that - that's why their wife left them.

I have a couple of friends like that. One wife complained she wanted to take their daughter to a tennis / chess competition which involved the cost of travel. Her husband didn't want to pay. He owned a block of flats! He was happy to spend money on what he wanted. But not on his wife and children.

So, back to the dating scene. Most women of means and a 'polite' professional background will feel insulted by confrontational language. The way of treating people like teasing a dog with a bone on a string just out of reach.

So the only people men like that will meet are the gold-diggers.

Also they are programming the listener. It's basic NLP and child-raising. If you keep telling other people they have ulterior motives, that's how they turn out.

I move on. I look for somebody who wants to be part of a team. That was what my beloved parents had lifelong and what so many are missing today.

So what am I doing in this post? I don't want you to be like the man I've just described to be mean.

If you go on about debts, and what you would do IF ONLY you had the money, really the woman doesn't want to know. She wants to think that you are offering her the best you can afford and that it's going to be fun, fun, fun.

No point in insisting on meeting for coffee in a pub and then moaning about the seediness of the pub and how you need to leave because the drunks are getting loud and coming in your direction (happened to me in the pub last night - not on a date, in a group).

So let me end by telling you what I'm looking for and recommending. The man who books a restaurant or cute coffee shop. And is positive about the venue. '.You will love it.' (Never mind the smarter place that would be loved by some fictional woman he might entertain next week.)

I love it if he stands up when I walk in. While he's up he can ask if I'd prefer another table. If we go to one of my favourite restaurants, the waiter might ask if we'd prefer another table. The dinner date man should be playing host. You don't want her falling in love with the waiter who is giving her all the attention, offering another table, pulling out her chair, discussing the drink, discussing the menu. That's a neutral topic the couple should be discussing together.

Is the menu an excuse for a confrontation? A round of grievances and bad memories?

Or a chance to share information? Mutual joy? Anticipation? Even sharing.

That's another good reason for a restaurant meal. I can remember the first meals I shared with the important men in my life. All the good things. The eye contact. The exchange of glances. The assurances.

He dresses in his smartest outfit. Helps pull out the chair, tuck in my dress - a chance to get tactile there - very subtly.

Doesn't just tell me to 'come as you are'. But gets all excited at the thought of the outfit I've promised to wear.

Has brought something for me. Doesn't have to be Could be something to show me from the internet. Anything which shows thought and planning. Asks me what I want to drink as soon as I arrive and orders on my behalf.

I shouldn't have to order or myself and be left wondering what he's eating and drinking and whether I'm in budget. Generally if he opts for the cheapest option I'll avoid the most expensive one. If he's only drinking one glass, me too.

The perfect evening is when we are in total harmony.

But let me move onto the sort of evening I enjoy. Next post.

I believe you start as you mean to go on.

What do you think?