HOW MUCH HONESTY IS SAFE ON LINE?

Honesty. Yes. It's the basis of American and Christian society. We blame those we dislike for being dishonest.
Let's look at this closer.

NEVER TELL A LIE?

a1) SAINTS. HONESTY IS MY VIRTUE. LOVE THE WORLD.American Christian. George Washington. Politician. Son. Learned from parents. To be trusted.They are so straightforward that you instinctively respond. You know they won't judge you for being the wrong age, religion, or anything else. They say who they are. Without thinking about it, you immediately say who you are. They give you their home phone number, work phone, website and show you identity when they meet you to reassure you that you can trust them.
The opposite end of the spectrum is:

a2) JUDGERS
He works as a headmaster, teacher, psychoanalyst, judge, policeman, voluntary worker in a hospital or prison, or a magistrate. He is used to demanding the truth from other but is never obliged, for security reasons, to give out his own personal details.

You have a hard job convincing him that you, too, have to consider your security and not just give out your personal details to a stranger who won't give out his.

He should not be trying to persuade you to do so on a first date. Unless he has a second date, you don't know that he has serious intentions. If he doesn't, no need to give out information.

Not only that, he should not be programming a woman to give out information. If she tells him her details and gets into his car on the first date, and all goes well, she will be more inclined to do so with her next encounter. Next time if she's not so lucky ...

Extreme type of caution for others:I've had people get irate because I gave them a phone number, and give me warnings.

They have said, 'How can you be so careless? Never mind that you trust me. You should not trust anybody! I shall destroy it immediately. You have no sense of security! I can't trust you with my details. You're not safe to meet!'

b) ESCAPEES. LYING IS MY PROTECTION
Romany tradtion is just one example - always tell lies. To strangers. In the culture. For self-protection. (Read Bury Me Standing.)

Evasive. Never live in one place. Don't want to be caught.
Eternal students. Multiple spouses. Remember the song: 'All my exes live in Texas, that's why I hang my hat in Tennessee?

They don't just have on on-line nickname. They have three or more names for their different jobs, on assorted business cards with different names and addresses, most of which are their cousins and places where they don't live any more. Loads of funny stories about how ex-wives and landlords came round at night and how they got out of the back window. Don't call them because they are about to move on.

c) INTERROGATORS. TELL ME OR ELSE!
They expect others to be honest immediately on line. Demand to know your real age and birth date. I rate these as controlling types.

Some want to know all about you whilst telling nothing about themselves.

Others are garrulous, incautious, careless, indiscreet - tell you more about their sex life with their spouse, their finances, their health, the other women they are talking about, names of every person they've met in 50 years, far more than you need to know.

Sneaky stalkers:
Their Question: Tell me your birth date because I need to know your zodiac sign to know whether we are compatible.
My answer: I already know we are not compatible.

d) GENTLEMEN. They say, 'YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME ...'
Polite subtle detectives. They get clues as to your age from the age of your children, what you remember, your tastes in music.

Generally kind and discreet. Learn as much as they need to know. Don't tell much. Don't ask much. But you feel they are reliable.

e) TIMID HIDERS
Never want to reveal anything. Too scared. Don't want to hear your details. Might expose you. Or them. Supposing they got asked about you! Could land them in trouble.

You might demand reciprocation. Best not.

f) SNAILS
They say: 'Okay, today, I'll tell you my first name. Tomorrow I'll tell you my phone number. The next day I'll tell you what I do for a living. The day after that ... In a year's time, when we really trust each other, we might meet.

(They are ever so surprised to learn that after a month of this going nowhere stuff, you've got tired of watching TV and went out and dated somebody else - and actually told them in the hope that it would jolt them into some action.)

Which types have you met?
Have any of your phone calls or dates had nasty moments because you said too much or too little? How would you advise others?

Did the other person lie? Show the wrong photo? What was their excuse? Was it inexcusable?

Did you do anything to conceal your identity? Do you feel you were justified?

Make Every Day Valentine's Day

It's in the interests of restaurants to sell high price meals on Valentine's day and newspapers to carry ads promoting it, and to run columns the week after making everybody feel guilty so that you can be sure of selling high priced meals and advertising space next year.

I am suggesting a consumer revolution. That as many people as possible buy the bunches of flowers reduced to half price in the supermarkets the next day.

Or we could have a second Valentine's Day, like boxing day, so that secretaries and people who don't warrant the money or emotional commitment can be given a little fun, without sexual overtones, and feel appreciated. I'm sure the restaurants will go for this.

Second night you get a glass of champagne, not a bottle, or a sparkling wine, not champagne, and they get to use their decorations a second night. Or do it like Christmas, make Valentine's week. Dinners all week. That way you can hardly avoid it.

Or, like Christmas, they can run a second Valentine's menu alongside the ordinary one as an option. Why haven't I, yet, written to the men in my life to say, 'Where Were You?' I should have I written to say, 'You'd better turn up with a rose between your teeth, a bottle of champagne and a box of chocolates next time you see me.'

Frankly, I'm prepared to provide the champagne myself. It's sitting on the shelf doing nothing. I get cheap bottles of wine from clubs which claim they don't have a budget for speakers. All I need is the man to pretend he's an adoring lover.

Is this going to be the year when Valentine's Day was blank for you? Can we redeem the situation?Millions of women didn't get invited out to dinner on Valentine's Day.

Or they went to the poetry club where everybody read Valentine's Day poetry.(The club should have had champagne and roses.)

There must be loads of clubs and meetings which fell on Valentine's Day, so that the chairman and secretary had to turn up. And loads of women whose husbands and boyfriends forgot and then didn't know how to make amends.

The man was overseas, or working late. Or busy with his wife, didn't realise until the day after, thought he'd be entertaining Suzie who went off with a man who made a better offer, whatever.

Or the lady might have half a dozen admirers who think she must be busy that day. (She pretends she is.) They'd like to take her out later.

Or they may think that Valentine's day is not just a financial commitment but an emotional commitment. Only for people who are about to get married and gives the impression you are already engaged.

They'd rather invite out a blind date and play at romancing, without looking like they are desperate.

What do you say to all those people who ask you what you did on Valentine's Day? Wouldn't you rather say, 'I was busy working, had a meeting.'

I'm sure lots of girls would rather have a romantic dinner with a glass of champagne and a card saying 'I adore you', or 'most beautiful girl in the world', plus a red rose, from somebody she loves, or even an acquaintance, the day after Valentine's.

Rather than spend all week reading those newspaper columns saying half the world sat at home wondering why the weren't popular last Tuesday. Advising on running on a treadmill so you don't feel suicidal.

So how can you offer a romantic post-Valentine's dinner without sounding like a cheapskate? Or that the woman is a second best afterthought?

I'm sure I'd have been delighted if either of the two (or more) great loves in my life had said, 'Sorry I couldn't see you on Valentine's Day. I'll make it up to you by taking you out for a very special dinner this weekend / week.'

Could the conversation go differently? You say either:
a) I want to take you out on Valentine's day for a romantic dinner. But the best restaurants are booked up and seem to have a set menu. Would you rather go out on the day, or shall we treat the another day that week as Valentine's day and I'll use the money I've saved to buy you some little goodies.

At this point I ask, 'What sort of little goodies?' By this time I'm sold on the idea.

Maybe not. I supposed this is really for couples who are married and living together and have a joint budget.

The trouble is once you've offered the little goodies, if I opt for the real day, I'm still hoping for the goodies. You could say, 'Would you rather have dinner and a rose on Tuesday? Or dinner on Wednesday - and with what I've saved I can afford whole bunch of roses.

Of course, I may suspect you are two-timing and taking somebody else out on the day, giving me second choice date. Or you say: 'I'm busy at work on Tuesday, (or whatever day it is). I'll send you a card/email on Tuesday, and I can take you out to dinner Thursday, or Friday, whichever you prefer.'

Look here, let's get to the point. I'm a romantic looking for a romantic. If anybody wants to take me out to a champagne dinner and give me a card and a rose, (and if you are feeling generous and hoping to get lucky, a sterling silver charm bracelet at under a tenner from any chain store jeweller in the UK, or any shopping mall cart basement level in the Far East, or any airport duty free rack) any day of the year is fine by me.

Maybe what I need is a rich submissive. Then I needn't wait. I can tell him what to do for me next Valentine's Day. Or any day next week. Any offers?

Sharing Fanatasies

I have a fantasy involving a school. But I ran into a problem with a man who experienced something similar in real life. Unfortunately my fantasy simply reminds him of an unpleasant and in his words 'violent' experience.

He does not enjoy the image of the people or place involved. The memories evoked are a distraction from an erotic image or conversation.

So how can I adapt my fantasy to suit him?

Changed Fantasy
I've thought of a few ideas. A runaway caught on train. Summerhouse in woods.

I also have my limits. Anything too violent or dangerous or involving too much in the way of restraint evokes images of sickness and misery and real life danger, whether medieval or modern.

That sends me into flight mode. I don't stay in a story about submitting to a superior being. I'm imagining a scene about a prisoner trying to escape. I'm into 'How do I get out of here? Away from this person?'

Or I'm moved into nurse mode - planning taking precautions like a health and safety inspector. Or protective mother role, like I would be with my children, or a younger gay person going out to a bar: 'Be careful dear. Mind how your cross the road. Don't let any stranger hurt you or imprison you.'

A fantasy or role play involving certain images won't turn me on. To me it is boring. Not erotic.

Everyday Distraction
And using my household equipment such as dining chairs, dining tables and sofas doesn't appeal to me either. With a dining chair I would be totally distracted by worries about breaking the chair. Or falling and hurting myself.

With a living room chair I'd be concerned about spoiling the upholstery with body fluids. And damaging the furniture's fabric and wood or leather with a cane.

Even thinking about it now, you see, my mind is wandering off the erotic fantasy into this practical distraction.

Your Responsibility
Have you had a problem where your fantasy evoked the wrong images for the other person?

That's why I never feel that the 'you must do anything I say' scenario would ever work for me. I do not feel it is fair to say that to any partner, even and especially when dealing with a submissive.

Limits
How do you get a person to go along with an erotic conversation, meeting or relationship? A scene has to be fun for both parties.

When dealing with a stranger, you don't know their limits. Everybody has things they don't enjoy. If you meet a barrier in their brain, first you have to find the elements they don't like and remove them.

Then find the elements they do like. Move the elements and the listener into a new scenario. For variety. Or surprise.

Surely what you want outside a scene is for the other person in real life to smile whenever they see you?

Depression
You don't want the other person to be depressed or even suicidal. A woman who is severely submissive and keen to do anything you want might have serious abuse in her history or have been raped and you risk triggering off alarm bells.

One of my readers says in his profile that he is on anti-depressants. He also says he wants role play as a catharsis. I start trying to analyze what makes him tick. The solution to his problems in one scene, and the whole of his life.

Sometimes the onlooker sees most of the game. The dominant or in charge partner may have to be like a real life doctor or headmaster, looking after the psychology of the person in their care.

Controlling, caring, healing
Your mind and hands can heal.

Programming
You must also ask yourself how you are programming the other person. If you are with another person 24/7 you could persuade them to never act in the same way with anybody else.

But if you are persuading a person to do anything you say, you are exposing them to danger when they deal with other people from this site and in the outside world.

You could be healing them. Sending them out confident and happy.

Teamwork and Adapting
Especially when dealing with switches and submissives, you have to be able to come out of a scene. That includes when it simply isn't working for the other person.

Looking at what I've written, so far I've been too negative. Maybe I just need a glass of water. Perhaps I need to use positive words.

I have to work on myself the writer. Also on the reader. First please myself, re-reading what I've written and feeling good about it. Then making you happy and confident.

This is the trick. To look for all the things which are good. Fun. Things which make the other person say, 'Hm - that sounds fun!'

Which implements or toys excite them? Where were their worst and best experiences? The most erotic? What have they not tried? What would they like to try?

Profile Clues
It's all there in the profile. So all I need to do is read the profile, and put their favourite elements into a fantasy. It's so simple, I can't think why I've never tried that before.

But do they really want those listed elements in a whispered fantasy? Oddly enough, I've read lots of profiles in which people say that their fantasies are waterfalls and alleyways but I've never had a phone fantasy about these.

Maybe it's because I stop anybody with a sordid scenario.

Why haven't I met enough romantics for waterfall fantasies? Or are there not enough people who have actually had romantic encounters at waterfalls?

People honeymoon at Niagara. But mostly you are fully clothed or even in protective clothing, surrounded by crowds of people, being moved on by others with cameras.

Control in Conversation
If you don't have the profile fantasy in front of you on the computer screen when you talk on the phone, or read it before going to a meeting, or written up on a card index card you can read at home, or on the train, then what?

Just ask. Who, what, when, where and why. Who are the two characters? 'What are your favourite props?' What is he wearing? What is she wearing? Is it the past or present or future? Should I outline the story passively, or actively? Shall I describe it or act it out? Reported speech or direct speech?

Creating and adapting a fantasy is a test of your control over your life, life in general, their life, their fantasy, their relationship with you.

Your Fun Feedback and Clever Comments
You may have seen plays in which a woman's visiting lover turns out to be her husband. Or the master and servant swap roles. Or the judge and prisoner. Or the queen and the prostitute. The man and the woman. The husband and wife.

So, over to you. Any comments how to adapt my original scene? Or problems you've had? Did you resolve them? Had any good or bad or changed fantasies for phone sex? And whispered stories for mutual exctiement? And acting out fantasies in role play when together?

Cancelled Coffee

A girl complained that a man arranged to meet her for coffee and then cancelled.

My view is that if all he had offered her was coffee he was not that interested. Especially on a first date.

Inviting a woman for coffee just to have a look - there's a hig chance that one party will walk out. They are not that committed.

But she had been seeing him for a fortnight and he could not afford dinner every night.

Did he regard meeting his male friends as more important than with her?

Most advisers would say she should make it clear she does not like having her evenings cancelled.

But what if he is unwilling to commit. Because he has another tentative arrangement and doesn't want to risk disappointing her?

If he tells her this from the start, that he has a prior engagement which might fall through, and ask if she is willing to make a last mintue arrangement.

I think meeting for a coffee is always likely to be cancelled and should only be arranged at the last minute. If you book an evening for dinner or to see a film you have to book with the restaurant or film company and will lose your money or your ability to get them to accept bookings in future.

Dates are the same. Arrange to do something serious and you are more likely to take the whole arrangement seriously.

Thinking Positively About Daily Troubles

Thinking Positively About Daily Troubles

I've read two blogs by somebody else and enjoyed them and here is my two cents worth. One email complains that he will never get together with a long-distance emailing lady, then the next complains about a series of work-related problems, starting with a flat battery, and his being cross becase mother his mother says I warned you to get a service - I told you so.

First he is sighing because he has a great email relationship with somebody who lives too far away.

1 A really good emailing relationship is a treasure. Much better than one liners, insults, people you don't have anything in common with. You've found a soulmate. Lovely.

2 If you met too soon, you might lose that.

3 To be sure you like the look of each other you need to go on cam and speak.

You should be looking nearer home for something long-term.

Now, his second blog. He's had a bad day. This is where his email lady comes in. She's his confidante. I told him:

She's your support for when you've had a hard day. Unlike your mother, your email friend doesn't need to get so anxious because she's not too close, physically or mentally. And that's partly why you like her, because she's calm and supportive.

Regarding his mother, I have to say she was right, that a stitch in time saves nine. Getting a car or truck serviced is not superstition, it's common sense. If you have a mother who cares. That's lovely.

Some people like me don't have a mother. Mine died.

Just hold onto that thought. There are irritations in life and there are tragedies. Enjoy life and think of the irritations as learning experiences. Don't look at the minuses, look at the pluses.

They say that if you want a friend you have to be a friend. If a man is missing a long term partner, maybe he has to think about committing, or being the strong, confident, happy person who a woman feels she can rely on to support her through life's troubles.

And instead of getting angry at mother, he should have told her how much he appreciates her advice, and how he should have listened to her because she is always right.

Poor mother. She tried to help him. All he did was get irritated. She cares for him.

I don't even know him and I care for him and his mother. I'm looking at his life and mine and thinking what lessons I can learn.

I know what I want most from life. A man who is calm and supportive in one's daily troubles. Can I be the same for him? I will try.

FLIRTING & NETWORKING

I looked at the newsletter of marketing adviser Ilse Benun.

She started a discuss on networking and flirting. Women had asked her how not to convey the impression that they were flirting.

She admitted that she flirted and that she did business more successfuly with men.

I looked at a picture of another person, Colleen. Her picture said flirting all over it.

1 First the sexy smile. Not quite face-on but coquettishly slightly sideways to imply 'chase me'.

2 The glasses slightly down the nose so the eyes are at the top.

3 The dimpled lines created by the self-conscious pursed lips.

4 The clincher is the open-neck shirt. For business you wear a buttoned up shirt. Opening it almost down to the bust is a come-on.

5 An open-neck shirt is also very friendly. It says I'm casual and easy-going, which combined with the smile ...

As Shakespeare said of Lady Macbeth: 'Methinks the lady doth protest too much.'

I also liked the tip about how to flirt. When you look at a man's wedding ring and ask, 'Do you have a girlfriend?' that's a leading question.

But if you ask if he has children that's more neutral.

I have the opposite problem. I want to get dates. How do I find the one available man at a conference and convey that I'm fascinated by his business because he's a successful man and I fancy him?

I want to hint that after this cocktail party ends, why doesn't he ask me out to dinner?

How do I tell him that I'm successful and solvent and want to go into business with him - and more?

As the song in the musical Avenue Q says: 'It's a fine, fine line.'

Better Safe Than Sorry - Lessons From Perugia

FASCINATION & INVOLVEMENT
Worldwide interest is on the dreadful murder in Italy of Meredith Kercher. Citizens of three or more countries are involved. A young student living overseas, who should have been having fun, and had all her life ahead of her, has lost her life. What can we learn from this?

WORRY
I keep telling myself to stop thinking and worrying about this. It's not my problem, only one of thousands of murders and deaths every day. It's not in my country. Nobody I know is involved. The situation is not one that I can change or help. There are not even any lessons to be learned. Or are there?

Why does this drama hold the attention of the rest of the world? Cautionary tale?
There but for the grace of god go I? Reminder of how much better off we are than we think we are when stressed out?

The mystery element makes you keep turning over the facts, as if by analyzing it, just one more time, you will be able to say that this must have happened or that must have happened. As if you could work out whether this person must have been guilty therefore another person must have been innocent, or maybe an accessory after he fact protecting a guilty party.

An unsettling element is questioning one's ability to judge character and predict events. As is so often the case, whether it's a massacre, a suicide bomber, or a single slaying, all the families come forward and say but my son or daughter must be innocent - they could not have done it.

So what do we conclude? That nobody can ever guess? That friends and family cannot tell?

So you cannot trust anybody, not even your family? Not your flatmate? Not your boyfriend or girlfriend? Not your spouse? Not your son or daughter?

PEER PRESSURE
Or should we reach another conclusion? Any young person can easily be persuaded that it's okay to kill themselves and somebody else?

DRUGS
Do drugs make you forget what you've done? People in court claim that drugs make them remember nothing about where they were, who they were with, or what happened. Under the influence you could not have attacked anybody else? Nor defended them!

ACCIDENTS
Many people in court under suspicion of murder claim that they committed manslaughter, not murder. They say that they only meant to frighten somebody, not to kill them. If that's true, our education system is at fault. We needed classes in both survival - meaning self-protection, plus self-restraint and safeguarding others.
Sometimes it looks like a genuine accident. But more often a bystander can see 'an accident waiting to happen', because people play with weapons or play fight.

DANGER
Excitement comes from the element of danger, of a power struggle, or the triumph of winning.
Elements of danger are normally present with any compression of the neck, and carrying or using knives and guns. Danger to yourself and others.

Being a victim is one danger. Being a witness is another danger.
Committing a crime and regretting it is one danger. Getting caught is another danger.

Being in the vicinity of somebody else and being accidentally mistakenly - or deliberately - blamed by police is another. Being blamed by somebody else trying to shift the blame from themselves to you is yet another danger.

We have a case in the UK of a boy playing with a gun who killed his sister. At least one person in the US has been killed by a gun which was loaded when the person holding it didn't realize or didn't know it would go off.

At least one case in the USA and another in England of people shooting themselves in the foot with their own gun.

Surely common sense and caution tells you to check a gun is loaded? And what about somebody holding a knife to somebody else's neck just to frighten them?

PRECAUTIONS
What precautions do you take? Do you lock your bedroom door at night, even when flatmates are about? Do you avoid people who are high on drugs? Do you take care not to play games with people who are drugged or drunk?

Should one avoid threesomes - the commonest fantasy of men and women, according to one survey.

Or should one just shrug? Usually after a well-publicized incident there are calls for changes in the law to prevent it happening again.

Insurance companies don't take a fatalistic attitude. They require you to set up locks and fire alarms and sprinklers.

Societies set up to prevent accidents at work and home and on the roads attempt to find causes and then prevent the events being repeated. In the UK we have had many knifings and now legislation has got tougher on the carrying of knives.

Airlines also don't allow any excuse. No knives. That's it. They stop you taking knives in your hand luggage or pockets.

Laws and rules have stopped youngsters from buying knives. And from taking them into school. What more can be done?

PS Looking at the news stories again two things stand out, drugs and consent. Drugs should not have been clouding common sense. Consent should have been obtained.

For safety:
1 Don't mix drugs and sex

2 All parties must consent at all times - this includes agreeing in advance and being allowed to change their minds if the situation changes and they are no longer

3 You have to care about somebody when you have sex with them or play any games.

4 They have to care about you, not just fancy having sex with you, care about you and your wellbeing. This means either caring about you specifically. You must allow time for this feeling to grow.

Or they must be the sort of person who cares about anybody and everybody. A nurturer. Again, you need time to know their personality.