When Your Wife Had A Baby

When Your Wife Had A Baby

Were You

a Out having sex with somebody else

b Busy at work

c Buying drinks for the boys

d Phoning all your friends

e Paying the bills

f Decorating the nursery

g Sitting beside her telling her you’d decorated the nursery and paid the bills

h Shouting at her to push

i Tell her that you loved her, that you’d decorated the nursery and paid the bills, advising her to push, telling her how well she’d done, and saying the baby had your nose and her eyes and the plans you had

Your Answers

j One of the letters a to h but you now know what went wrong was you didn’t do one of the others a to i but too late, that’s the past, never mind

k One of the letters a to h but you now know that it should have been i - and you’ve learned. That experience won’t come again but you are now a wiser, stronger, more confident reliable and loving person

l Haven’t time to figure this out but very amusing - let’s have dinner

m You are a smart cookie - but I’m even smarter - you missed out the essentials - I’ll tell you my theories when I see you - let’s have dinner

n You are a smart cookie - and I’m a good match - let’s meet and talk about it and everything else over dinner

 

Safe Talk When Meeting Strangers On The Train & Internet

Strangers On The Train & Internet

Safety In Conversation
What to avoid talking about?
Drinking can make you garrulous. You could reveal too much to a stranger

Reveal whether you live alone
When you are out - and if your house is empty
How much money you have

Your desire for money (She might come across as a gold-digger.) Sex. (He might think she’s a nympho, wants sex on first date, or is a call girl.) She might think he’s sex-mad, pushy and dangerous)

Comparisons are dangerous. For example - 'my last girlfriend was perfect' sounds positive.  But maybe it suggests the listener is not). Listen to the feedback. It could be, 'I can't ....' That listener is seeing your list of relationships as a shortlist and hoping to be top. That listener would have been happier listening to compliments. If the other person ever asks, How am I doing? they are looking for praise and flattery. 

The clues are all there. Don't think up your answer a week later when it's too late. The trick is to respond immediately. Better still - get the clues before you start speaking.

You don't want to talk miserably or angrily at length about 'how 

my last girlfriend deceived me' (suggesting I’m a naive self-pitying victim). On the other hand, if the other person has been in a similar situation, you can describe it very briefly.  Can you reduce the story to one sentence - or four words - and add four or more positive words? For example, 'My last husband/wife was having constant affairs and I'll looking for somebody loyal and faithful. Is that what you are looking for?'

Talking about people who are famous and rich can lead to odious comparisons or disappointed expectations. For example, she might think:
'His best friend’s a millionaire but all he can afford is a cheap drink.'

She might think: He knows all these famous people but he’s a nobody. I agree with him - I’d like to be with Brad Pitt right now. Or
He knows these great people but doesn’t take me to meet them. So either he is lying .... or ...
He doesn’t think I’m good enough to meet them. Or -
He is losing interest in me because I’m not famous.

Safer subjects are things you enjoy - so long as the other person enjoyed them. Trying to convince somebody that something they hate is what you love and what they should love might not be your best strategy. If you disagree, ensure the conversation is not hostile and confrontational but positive. Make sure you smile.

If you’ve talked for half an hour your listener may look mesmerized. But if you never allow them to speak, it’s a monologue. When both people speak equally, you have a dialogue. 

Of course, there are couples where talkers marry listeners and extraverts marry introverts. Attraction of opposites. When the talker stops, the listener should give the speaker applause, too. 

If the speaker asks, 'Am I boring you?' he is having self-doubt, not allowing time for enough feedback. Or not getting enough of the hoped-for encouragement. 

For example, 'Interesting!' depending on the tone of voice could mean: You are nuts. You are weird. You are a victim. You are stupid. You are cruel. You never learn.  I refuse to comment in case I commit myself. I'm glad I wasn't there. I am trying to follow this roller-coaster jumble. Enough, already! You are like watching TV. I'll keep watching and hope the ending is good.

What is the closing line? Is it:

'Thank you for meeting me.' 

'Thank you for listening. '

'I've enjoyed it.' 

'We must do this again some time.' (Meaning 'No hurry. Only if nothing better turns up.)

Or: 'How about next week?'

Bear in mind that regardless of your emotional fit, some people are more inclined to plan ahead than others.

If you have entertained sombody for an evening. to make them want a second date ensure you have made them feel desirable and desired.

Self-praise modified by flattery
Disraeli flattered Queen Victoria - even though she knew she was queen of England.
And he did not praise himself. He looked for what they had in common. He did not say, 'I’m an author,' but, ‘We authors, Ma’am ...’ Now that’s something I must remember.

The Height Of Disaster - Admitting Your Height

I once had a single date and told a tall man who was over six foot tall my height - stated it as so many inches and three quarters. I could not understand why he did not date me again. 

Two years later I met him again without realizing I knew him. I had changed my hair colour and changed weight and he did not recognize me.

On second or third date he asked me my height. I told him, rounded up the figure. He replied,'That's okay. I once dated a girl who was (figure with the fraction) and that was too short.'

After a minute's silence, I said, 'You met me in Birmingham - spring two years ago!'

I'd never realized that the lack of a quarter of an inch had made me sound too short.

The second time around, again, the relationship ended. 

He just didn't like the idea of a girl who was so short.

I should have kept quiet about my real height the second time.   

  

I lost another relationship with a man who told me, after we'd arranged a dinner date, and I wanted to know his particulars so as to recognize him, that he was only five foot three. I thought about it and decided that it didn’t matter. He could wear built up shoes. On a date he could stay sitting down. Lying in bed you can be eye to eye or - all sorts of things.

However, he then cancelled the date by email. He said he was upset that I sounded flummoxed about his height and wanted somebody who liked him 100%. 

He had just gone through a divorce. I think he was being over-sensitive. 

I had agreed to meet him. We might have disliked each other anyway, or just felt lukewarm. Or we might have liked each other so much that height was not an issue, or it was an issue but with one negative and dozens of positives the total relationship scored a plus.

I think he made more of an issue with it than I did. Clearly he was a person to magnify difficulties, when he could have smoothed it over.

Many relationships succeed despite all sorts of problems. But you have to get to the confident conversation stage.

I can imagine two jolly people joking away:

Him: “Hey you’re a midget - why would a lamp-post like me want to meet a midget like you!’’

Her: “Cos you’ve never seen a midget like me. I’m the queen of midgets. And I’m the only midget who would put up with a rude lamp-post like you.” 

The Sex Museum, New York - shock! Horror!

This museum is steps away from the Jewish museum. It's on the underground station line. And you can get off here if you've bought the Gray line hop on hop off New York bus tour with recorded commentary. They mention Macy's department store founded by Jewish brothers - one of whom died on the Titanic with his devoted wife who refused to leave him and get in the life boat. The tour guide doesn't tell you to get off here for the Jewish Museum and the Sex Museum but we knew.

The Sex Museum is on two floors. The ground floor has the shop and the exhibition on animals and sex, with lots of videos taken by zoos and safari parks which have breeding programmes and fund investigation.

I already knew from a visit to a UK bird park that flamingos are encouraged to breed when they see other flamingos going at it. So the park installed mirrors to give the impression that twice the number of birds were indulging in an orgy. This method did seem successful. Makes you wonder about human peer pressure and teenage sleepover parties.

To my surprise nothing in the museum about flamingos. But my interest in wildlife had already been roused and I wanted to linger. In contrast to some of the male visitors who rushed past and upstairs to see what was shown and said about human sexuality.

Frankly, I found the information about animals quite shocking. If you think the behaviour, photos and videos of people on adult dating sites sites is uninhibited, animals are even more so. 

Some animals have group sex. Some are bisexual. Others mate with anything, any age, too young to breed, the animal equivalent of sex predators. 

A small number will pair off and stay devotedly coupled. I've been researching on line for a project for children and wonder what I dare tell them and how much to comment. A friend told me his 9 year old daughter liked watching wildlife TV programmes. One showed baby birds eating each other. He wondered whether this might upset her. But she wasn't phazed; not as much as he was. (He was concerned for the birds, himself, and his daughter. She just shrugged.)     

After this museum shock seeing animals and reading about them, I raced upstairs to catch up. (I'd lost my companion and was running short of time.)

It would take a while to read all the captions and digest the significance. They showed: condoms, art displaying sex acts of humans and robots, films though the ages and how censorship had changed and landmark films. 

And sex advice films showing different sexual positions. That was really useful.

The shop had some amusing books. One on make your own sex toys - not serious, things like woolly condoms. 

Another was on sexual versions of fairy tales. Things like Snow white and the seven gay dwarfs. I'm now sorry I didn't buy that for a laugh. I was trying not to buy heavy things because of luggage weight flying home. 

  

The shop also sold chocolate covered condoms. I think every person will get something quite different out of visiting this museum. Strange that I was shocked, but not by the human stuff at all, only by the animals.

Sex Museum Location Information

I had visited another sex museum in China, when it was in Shanghai. It has now moved to a city further south, which presumably means lower rental and makes a lesser-known city more of a tourist attraction.

In Europe other museums are in Amsterdam and Prague.

Museum of Sex

233 Fifth Avenue,

At 27th.

New York

www.museum.of sex.com

Entry fee $15+ tax, students and seniors $14+tax (no under 18s).

Beards

Is this your problem?

‘Suzie’ says:

“I had a kissing setback with a man with a beard.

“His moustache-beard was so bristly that whenever he tried to kiss me, a few seconds later he moved and I was hit by what felt like a scrubbing brush. I jumped away.

“He said he liked long kisses. Me too.

“I can't tell him the problem. He's the sensitive type.”

My solution. Maybe one could suggest conditioner. But not if he’s the sensitive type who can’t take ‘criticism’. When delivering ‘criticism’, praise before and after.

Better still have a shower and shampoo him all over and add conditioner. That's the answer.

The Married Man & What He Says

This is written from a woman's perspective. But it might interest you as a man to see what a woman wants, and gets. 

Let's look at three married men.

Why would you opt for a married man rather than a single man?

Because you want to keep your options open - it might work out if he is as unhappy as you are at home and wants a second chance.

Desperate Dave

At one extreme we have 'David'. He is desperately unhappy. His wife is hampering his career. She won't let him travel because she found out about his affair. 

His opening line, 'My wife must never find out,' makes her the centre of the relationship, not you. His writes long emails about how she found out about the last relationship because she read an email he left in the waste paper bin. This time he shreds everything. 

But you now have his 'naughty boy confesses' emails all over your computer, as well as his. Why doesn't he just write non-commital emails saying how he'd love to see you again and looks forward to the meeting? Looks like he wants to be caught, to force the issue. Makes you nervous. Maybe she is tapping the phone, listening in, has a tape recorder under his bed or in his car. 

She is too nervous to fly planes. He won a competition but could not take the prize of a cruise because she could not go for health reasons. 

He spends the whole date talking about how she suspects where he is, the excuses he had to make, the lies he told. He is not enjoying himself. Neither are you.

Clearly you would be better off with a single man. This is really hard work. It is no fun. It is endangering his marriage. But not promising a second marriage which would be an oasis. 

He might bring into a new relationship what is wrecking the first one, the fact that he is not earning enough money. Or the fact that he has extra-marital affairs.  Or flirts and talks about the attractions of every woman in the room which makes his wife jealous.

He might bring into a second marriage the same underlying anxiety, the job, the house, the traffic, the world. You are not only in bed with his marital problems but every problem in the world.

If anything goes wrong with the sex he says it is his fault or your fault. Or you are incompatible.

Married or single, he is a worrier. He is not solving your problems because he has too many of his own. Maybe he is expecting you to be the strong one.

He does not compliment you on your clothes. He complains that you did not admire his new grey trousers. 

Secretive Simon

At the opposite extreme we have Simon. You ask if he has a wife. He replies, 'Not here'. 

You  say, 'I don't know anything about your wife and you don't know anything about my husband'. He replies, 'Let's keep it that way.'

He is a wonderful listener. But you are never sure whether you are providing what he wants. Now or in the future.

What would be a middle situation, a compromise, the best of both worlds?

Calm Colin

a) The man who says, 'I wouldn't want to hurt anybody. I want everybody to be happy.'

Or,  

b) 'I have you - but she has nobody. I am so lucky to have you.'

c) 'I have problems at home - it's so lovely to be away with you.'

d) 'This will keep her happy so she doesn't interfere with my seeing you.'

e) 'We deserve to be happy.'

f) 'You are the best thing in my day/week/year.'

g) 'We are not getting any younger - let's enjoy life while we can.'

'She is quite happy for me to be away. She has her own interests, her own life.'

'We were complementary when we were younger but now we are different people and don't share the same interests. But you are ...'

Whatever happens or does not happen sexually, he says that just being with you and looking in your eyes was enough. He assures you that everything was perfect.

'Sometimes I dream of marrying you - it's just a dream - but such a lovely dream.'

'Don't let's worry about the past or the future. Let's just enjoy today.'

'I have a plan for us for next year but in case it doesn't work out I won't say too much now. But I'm working on it.'

Most likely to be a weekend away, a long trip. Don't imagine it's marriage unless that's mentioned. But whatever, it creates a good feeling. Doesn't commit anybody to anything. But gives hope and confidence. 

If anybody is going to stay on good terms with his ex-wife, this is the most likely character. If anybody is going to be a successful second husband to somebody, to create a happy second marriage, he is the most likely candidate.

Calm and confident - or tense? Look at these situations.

Blog - what I want from a man 

1 Profile - face picture. 

a) Smiling. Confident. 

No beard. 

Ideally not grey. If you want a grey-haired woman stay grey. If you want to date a young-looking blonde, get a bottle of hair dye and be young-looking, too.

2 Profile - no nude pictures. Why? Too much too soon. You are in a public place. Don’t strip off before the world. Have some sense of caution.

3 No nude pictures of other women. I don’t like nude pictures on the wall at my local garage. And I don’t like nude pictures of other women displayed by my date. I don’t want to know about your other conquests or that you are likely to have a one night stand with a nympho who could have VD.

4 Profile, opening e-mail, phone call - Forget the sob stories about your last relationship. Talk about the present or future. 

The story about the girl who jilted you, or committed suicide, is not a great opening. And ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ only makes the listener keen to know what you are hiding. It’s a defence, a retreat. Instead step forward to ask about the other person.

5 Speak positively about yourself and the other person.

If you want to whine about your last relationship, keep a diary.

6 If the journey is a hazard, make sure you move on to the positive aspects. For example, 

a) It was a hassle - but worth it to meet you.

So good to be here, with problems over.

7 Don’t rant about other people - how you hate other nationalities, politics, religion. If the other person disagrees or has family members of the group you are ranting about they will feel uncomfortable. Even if they agree, they don't want to say goodnight and go to bed tense. They would rather end up with good news. You and your conversation should not be a boxing ring, but  the haven of calm.