Let's look at three married men.
Why would you opt for a married man rather than a single man?
Because you want to keep your options open - it might work out if he is as unhappy as you are at home and wants a second chance.
Desperate Dave
At one extreme we have 'David'. He is desperately unhappy. His wife is hampering his career. She won't let him travel because she found out about his affair.
His opening line, 'My wife must never find out,' makes her the centre of the relationship, not you. His writes long emails about how she found out about the last relationship because she read an email he left in the waste paper bin. This time he shreds everything.
But you now have his 'naughty boy confesses' emails all over your computer, as well as his. Why doesn't he just write non-commital emails saying how he'd love to see you again and looks forward to the meeting? Looks like he wants to be caught, to force the issue. Makes you nervous. Maybe she is tapping the phone, listening in, has a tape recorder under his bed or in his car.
She is too nervous to fly planes. He won a competition but could not take the prize of a cruise because she could not go for health reasons.
He spends the whole date talking about how she suspects where he is, the excuses he had to make, the lies he told. He is not enjoying himself. Neither are you.
Clearly you would be better off with a single man. This is really hard work. It is no fun. It is endangering his marriage. But not promising a second marriage which would be an oasis.
He might bring into a new relationship what is wrecking the first one, the fact that he is not earning enough money. Or the fact that he has extra-marital affairs. Or flirts and talks about the attractions of every woman in the room which makes his wife jealous.
He might bring into a second marriage the same underlying anxiety, the job, the house, the traffic, the world. You are not only in bed with his marital problems but every problem in the world.
If anything goes wrong with the sex he says it is his fault or your fault. Or you are incompatible.
Married or single, he is a worrier. He is not solving your problems because he has too many of his own. Maybe he is expecting you to be the strong one.
He does not compliment you on your clothes. He complains that you did not admire his new grey trousers.
Secretive Simon
At the opposite extreme we have Simon. You ask if he has a wife. He replies, 'Not here'.
You say, 'I don't know anything about your wife and you don't know anything about my husband'. He replies, 'Let's keep it that way.'
He is a wonderful listener. But you are never sure whether you are providing what he wants. Now or in the future.
What would be a middle situation, a compromise, the best of both worlds?
Calm Colin
a) The man who says, 'I wouldn't want to hurt anybody. I want everybody to be happy.'
Or,
b) 'I have you - but she has nobody. I am so lucky to have you.'
c) 'I have problems at home - it's so lovely to be away with you.'
d) 'This will keep her happy so she doesn't interfere with my seeing you.'
e) 'We deserve to be happy.'
f) 'You are the best thing in my day/week/year.'
g) 'We are not getting any younger - let's enjoy life while we can.'
'She is quite happy for me to be away. She has her own interests, her own life.'
'We were complementary when we were younger but now we are different people and don't share the same interests. But you are ...'
Whatever happens or does not happen sexually, he says that just being with you and looking in your eyes was enough. He assures you that everything was perfect.
'Sometimes I dream of marrying you - it's just a dream - but such a lovely dream.'
'Don't let's worry about the past or the future. Let's just enjoy today.'
'I have a plan for us for next year but in case it doesn't work out I won't say too much now. But I'm working on it.'
Most likely to be a weekend away, a long trip. Don't imagine it's marriage unless that's mentioned. But whatever, it creates a good feeling. Doesn't commit anybody to anything. But gives hope and confidence.
If anybody is going to stay on good terms with his ex-wife, this is the most likely character. If anybody is going to be a successful second husband to somebody, to create a happy second marriage, he is the most likely candidate.
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