Why Do People Argue, And Play Games, Control Games?

1 One word sums up a specific control game, one upmanship. The Singaporeans call it Kiasu or getting ahead. (Kiasu activities include motorists overtaking you and pulling in front sharply even when you are the only two cars on the road. This is to my mind pointlessly going out 'looking for a fight'. I presume they think they are keeping in training, practising keeping constantly alert in a competitive society in a tiny over-populated city-state where they have no natural resources and rely on a combination of brains and pushing to get ahead at work and in housing and everything. )

2 I don't like games because I feel they are insincere, based on saying the opposite of you want. Like playing hard to get not because you are respectable but to tease the other person and extract favours which ought to be freely given. And never saying I love you. What sort of basis is this for a long-term relationship? I had devoted parents and ultimately my ideal is that I would like the same. But some argue that it is a question of order and timing. You don't put the cart before the horse. Start slow and only talk about commitment and commit when you are both ready.

3 What bothers me about games is that a game is not only setting ground rules - start as you mean to go on - but a game may be only the first rung in a ladder competition. As soon as the opponent has one this round, he has the confidence to go on and pick a bigger opponent. He is merely practising his (verbal or physical ) fighting technique on you in order to enter a VIP competition with somebody more important.

4 Men are taught to be tough and macho because a proportion of the population has to defend the others and out in the world on the road, the marketplace, the street. You might get attacked by loonies. So the person who is older, taller, broad-shoulders, protects the smaller ones. 

A graphic example of this is in a film about Poland and the holocaust. A group of Jewish orphans sent to a new school are set upon by the old-timers (watched covertly by teachers - but that's a different issue). The oldest boy of the beseiged group takes charge and gets them to stand facing outwards in a circle. He shouts to the vulnerable tiny ones to get in the middle protected by the bigger boys. Really smart to spot the danger while still time to make a plan, to have figured out battle formation and defence without prior thought and to make an instant decision.

To go back to scenarios of people 'fighting' verbally. These people seem to think the best form of defence is attack. Over to you

Why Do Married People Get Irate When You Ask Why They Want To Meet You?

Dear Friend - If you write to me, may I have a first name, at least a nickname, so I can identify you and remember you? Psychology interests me because this is what, according to newsletters on dating sent to women, will ensure a long-term and satisfactory relationship. For many women and some men this would be a great improvement on one night stands and meeting for coffee or dinner dates with twenty people and not clicking with anyone. Or not securing the only one you want who marries somebody else. 

Ironically, if you sign up for newsletters to both sexes, you find that newsletters to men tell them how to get a woman into bed fast, whilst newsletters to women advise them never to jump straight into bed.) This started out as a reply to a correspondent but turned out long enough for a blog. So I sent it to my emailing acquaintance and then expanded it and made it into this blog.

A correspondent asked me why married women refuse to answer and get irate when he asks them why they want to have an affair? My first question to him is, why does he ask?  That's what they may be wondering. Is it because he wonders what his wife is up to? Or how to deal with the women - to give them what they are looking for? I suspect that they have previously answered the question and then been told by the questioner that 'we are looking for different things' or 'I can't give you what you want'. This explains the woman's refusal to answer the question.

But why would they get annoyed? Because he does not want to give them what they want - physical action - instead he is giving them conversation. Or a relationship. Which gets them emotionally involved. (Maybe they have children at home and can't risk this. Besides - it would leave them lonely in between meetings.)

Or they want to avoid judgmental advice. They don't want him to play teacher while they play student. That would make him counsellor, listener. He would have the power to make hurtful remarks. Or even blackmail them.

He is tipping the balance. He is saying, 'You have a problem. I can solve it. I'm better than you are. This is not an equal relationship. I'm superior to you.'

Maybe they feel powerless in their marriage or one aspect of their life. By having an illicit meeting, a long affair, or even a correspondence, they feel in a position of power, at least in control of their lives.

Another reason - for getting annoyed. They don't want to answer or analyse or be analysed. Married women or men don't want their motives and situation questioned. No woman wants to tell a stranger - 'I'm looking for somebody else because my husband doesn't love me and doesn't sleep with and doesn't praise me.' 

She might upset herself. Burst into tears. Or protray herself as a loser. Or teach the new person to repeat the pattern of her as victim, when in a new relationship or encounter she wants to be dominant or at least equal.

It would also be a betrayal of confidence to admit that her husband doesn't give her orgasms. She won't want to admit that she is looking for a richer man because he keeps her short of money - which means he does not love or respect her. Or that she is looking for kindness because he is abusive. 

Or that she is looking for attention because she is neglected. He is an introvert who reads the paper when at home, or he is exhausted from work, or he is always away travelling.

Maybe she is simply a practical person. He is an academic. An N on the Myers Briggs scale. Whilst she is an S. Not a person who reads recipes. A person who gets on with the cooking. She regards discussing everything as a stalling activity. She wants a decision, like many practical men. She wants to know, 'Will you sleep with me or not?' or 'Will you have a relationship with me or not? Or 'Are you going to tell me I'm always right and I'm wonderful or not?' 

She regards his questions as a sign that he has not yet made up his mind about her. If she gives the wrong answers, she will lose him. He doubts her. She does not want to expose her feelings and then get rejected. She does not want to waste time on a long interview. She wants to know whether she has got the job. If not, off to the next interview.

She may also think that what she wants to hear is that she is right. Support. Affirmation. Praise. Like, my coutnry right or wrong, she expects him to react, my woman right or wrong. Not, tell me your motives and I'll tell you whether you will succeed with me, and if not, why you are going wrong and will never succeed with anybody.

Men and many women are in another situation - the wanting more, more often, or a change. They don't want to risk an interrogator turning on them with remarks such as, 'If you are happily married you should not be cheating on your wife / spouse, you are risking your marriage, you are behaving badly,' and so on. 

Either they don't want to admit it to themselves. Or they don't want to hear your reaction. They know that even if you listen politely, by 'protesting too much' they will betray their own selfishness and the fact that they are risking their future for gratification now.

Finally, to end on a jolly note, my correspondent ended an email with the sign off 'Best'.

I went to reciprocate his wishes. Gosh - Americans do abbreviate things. As an English teach and former sub-editor on magazines I look at the word best which is an adjective and wonder which noun is missing. Best what? Best wishes? Whatever. I'm sure the reader knows what it means. One word saves paper and time to shorten everything. So Best

On second thoughts I can't bear to be so vague. I can afford ten seconds to type in another word

Best wishes

from Angela

Fetching Photos

Men's Photos Assuming you are looking for a girlfriend, I am speaking for women like me. My opinion - only my opinion, is this: 1 Show a face photo. 2 Smile. 3 No total nudes. 4 Nothing without a shirt unless you are in the sea or on a boat. Women's Photos 1 Show a face photo. 2 Wear lipstick. And smile. 3 if photographed from above (eg by somebody standing whilst you are sitting on a chair or bed) make sure that the photo does not elongate your nose and hide your upper lip so your nose seems to run into your mouth. 4 If you've got sexy undies but your face and hair still look frumpy and frizzy, go to the hairdresser for cut, or colour, or styling, or all three, and get lots of shots taken that day while the hair styling is fresh. Or wash your hair before the photo is taken. Check in the mirror that it looks right. Edit to eliminate stray hair sticking up or across your forehead. This can be done in a photo programme. You simply copy a few squares of colour from the adjoining area - painted wall or forehead. Superimpose the background colour over the stray hair you want to eliminate. I just got a MacBook which makes cropping photos even easier. If you have a friend who has a camera or phone which takes pictures or video, they can store them on their computer and crop them and then email them to you. Editing I watched a TV programme on call girls. One paid £1500 for photos. The photographer edited the pictures to give her a bigger bust or a bigger bottom. You can edit pictures for simpler improvements. Remove glare. Cut clutter and distracting items in the background by cropping. 

You can insert your picture in a coloured frame. Or draw a frame. Even if you do it freehand, you can draw the left side of a square or oval or heart shape or arch. Then reverse and copy so that you have the two sides matching,

Too Much Too Soon 2M2S

Too much too soon? I shall abbreviate to 2M2S. I just invented that, I believe. You saw it here first. You are welcome to copy the idea. If you have not seen it before, please remember that I said it here. There are three kinds of involvement which are too much too soon 2M2S: 1 PHONE CALLS & EMAILS FROM UNSEEN NAMELESS STRANGERS! Exchanging phone numbers with somebody who has not sent a photo nor a first name. A woman can get 80 winks and requests on one dating / friendship site alone. (And have three other entries elsewhere in one group of contact sites - some bring lots of responses, although one or two bring very few.) I was rather disenchanted with the anatomy pictures and distracting animated sidebars on one site. What I like about some sites is the ease of seeing all somebody's details so you can easily connect the message with the writer. On some sites you get one liners or even long messages and haven't a clue whether the writer is married or single, young or old, in your city or on another continent. It's useful to be able to see education and income. I can sometimes hazard a guess from the lifestyle and standard of writing. But a distressing number of people who claim to have postgraduate degrees or hold responsible jobs can't spell. I look at doctors and surgeons who can't spell and wonder if they prescribe the correct drugs. A pilot with poor English - would I be safe in his plane? And with the general lack of care I wonder how many of them can cope with a date or relationship. Are they capable of remembering your phone number or the name of the restaurant where you plan to meet? Could they be relied upon to use contraceptives? Would you really give out your phone number or email to all those people? Only if you were a call girl. In that case you would be charging. (According to a recent TV programme, in the UK students charge £100-200 an hour. A mature woman with an expensive wardrobe and website will fly overseas and can charge £9,000 a week. So a man who expects you to race across town and have sex with a stranger for the price of a cup of coffee is really mean and not the one for a girl looking for a long term relationship nor for a quickie.) 2 Getting emotionally involved before meeting He writes that he is enamoured. He says you are unique, unusual, and just what he is looking for. This could be a standard letter sent out to every female on the site. Unfortunately he is on holiday the other side of the world and won't be back home for 2-6 weeks. In my opinion it is a big mistake to write long emails or phone calls. You could be wasting two hours a week on a guy. And getting emotionally involved. Thinking you have a boyfriend. You don't. Then what happens? a He was lonely on holiday and had free time to email but he comes home and is too busy at work and spends free times with his partner in home city. b You meet and don't click. He's an introvert, happy on paper, totally tongue-tied when face to face. c He is much younger or older than you thought. You don't look a couple. You don't feel right. He never even looks at you nor touches you. d He thinks that you will jump into bed within five minutes of meeting him because he wrote twenty emails. Of course you won't. He is peeved. He thinks you don't like him. Well, you don't like his behaviour. e You are terribly disappointed because you thought this was going somewhere. The train doesn't depart until you get on it. In a station with dozens of trains when you have a specific destination in mind, you don't jump on the nearest train. You need to know which train you are on and know the destination. 3 Sex too soon. If you want one night stands, if that's the best you can get, if that is enough for you, well, fine. But it never worked for me. a You get involved with somebody immediately but quickly realize he is not for you long-term but can't say no. He (or she) isn't good enough or their lifestyle and yours are a mis-match. Sometime before, during or after you discover a deal-breaker. b You can't go on with this lifestyle for health reasons - you keep coming down with infections or you worry too much that you might. c You lose your reputation or self respect. d It's a security risk. e You realise you haven't time to write three hours a week to secure a date, then nine hours a week for a date the following week. That's three hour of writing to each of three men, to secure a date with one of them. It's too time-consuming. 4 Emotional Involvement With the Unavailable A lot of women make this mistake. A man says he is looking for no strings attached. You get emotionally involved. He doesn't. He is married and away on business a lot - so he says. Maybe he has a string of girls. Maybe he is alternating seeing men and seeing women. Maybe he is home with the wife and family. You are yearning and lonely. You reject everybody else because your heart is with him.

This can happen to men, too. I spoke to a married man who got involved with a woman who was single and said he could move in with her. But she wanted him immediately - in the middle of his daughter's school-leaving exams. He wanted her to wait a month or two. Then she threw a fit. She said make up your mind, now or never. He was emotionally involved with her and was upset. Now he wonders whether she had never married because she was never willing to commit. So that's the last 'too much too soon' scenario. Four scenarios where you should hold onto information and emotional involvement: Giving out your information; getting emotionally involved before meeting; getting involved with the unavailable; spending too much time time chasing one off dates. Am I right? Or wrong? Can I hear the woman's view? And the man's viewpoint? Have I missed anything out?

SUCCESS ON DATES Going Dutch? - You Must Be Joking

Dear Friend(s)

Social dates between two singles, two couples, or two people in business have to sort out the question of who pays for dinner. What should be an evening of interesting conversation is often filled with anxiety if one person cannot afford to pay for everybody or does not wish to. It's a pity to be ordering the cheapest item off the menu and then to find that the other person is on expenses. But equally, it's upsetting if you are paying the bill and eating carefully and others are ordering expensively. How much easier if we could all be honest from the start.

Dating newsletters advice women to insist that he pays, whilst others advice him to let her pay her share. They claim that this sets the tone for the relationship. Obviously the female writer wants the women to be in control.

The male writer wants the man to be in control - yet advises him to give her control of half spending. He thinks that rushing to pay the bill looks like you are trying too hard. Depends how you do it. You can pay the bill like a servant. Or you can pay the bill as if you are the boss.

An old proverb goes: 'He who pays the piper calls the tune.'

Money affects everything. We reward with money. We use money to get things started and improve them. Money is the motivation. Most people spend most of their day working to earn money.

Firstly, who pays for the date? I'll shortly go further into the economics of dating. But let's just look at the economics of the whole dating scene especially pairing people up. Most online sites are commercial and not a charity.

Secondly, war. Most countries go to war for economic reasons. Look at the news. Don't gasp with horror at the idea.

Thirdly, charity. A charity asks for money. A charity can send money. Or goods. Or workers with time and expertise.

Money is a way of exchanging time and goods. Better than mere promises. More easily counted than bits of beach shell. Personally I think we should have stuck to the gold standard.

DATING GOODWILL & COURTING
After profiles, emails and dates express goodwill to the potential partner in several ways:

a) The man and woman send good wishes to create goodwill;
b) Promises (NSA or conditional) about how they would like the relationship to progress;
c) Praise;
d) Gifts (eg offers of drinks and dinner) No Strings Attached;
e) Gifts (eg offers of drinks and dinner) in expectation of getting something back.

IN-UN-DATED WITH ADVICE?
Have you signed up for any of the dating advice newsletters? I am receiving half a dozen.

INUN-DATED by DATING NEWLETTERS
Not only dating newsletters. They are part of a wide trend. I am getting the same number of newsletters on health, lifecoaching / NLP / positive thinking / goal setting, business management, online marketing, property investment, public speaking and novel writing. (Also a few on playing the guitar and speaking Spanish.)

The latest ploy is to make you sign up for half a dozen other newsletters in the first email from the first newsletter. So 'John SuperSmith' is doing cross-marketing with 'Peter Never-Blue', 'Sue SuperSmith' and 'Ann Never-Blue' and 'John-and-Ann'.

DATING LETTER CONTRADICTIONS
Then you find that John and Ann are contradicting each other. John is selling machines for chopping fresh food whilst Ann is selling supplements in pill form.

Dating advice newsletters, even those doing cross-marketing, seem to contradict each other. The female writer tells women, always let him pay, so he feels like a man. Because men and women are built like this. She will only respect him if he is in charge.

But the male writer is advising men, go Dutch. Because if he is paying she thinks he is a wimp, a weakling (Americanism wuss).

In my opinion it might be different for twenty-year-olds in America. But I don't think it applies to the 45 and over age group in the UK. Nor does it apply in the Far East.I go with the newsletters aimed at the ladies. The average women wants a protector. Me Tarzan you Jane. If you like to express it in these terms, him dom her sub.

Conventionally he is taller and slightly older. You might vary these. But often you compensate with something else. For example, if he is smaller, or much younger, or much older, he wants to show he is richer than her to impress her.

On a first date that's how way it works on an obvious level. By the time they are into a long-term relationship he no longer says, 'Wow, she is blonde,' (or redhead) and she no longer thinks, 'Wow, he is rich!' Sex and money are part of the overall picture.

LADIES - FORGET THE ONE-DATE DATE
Especially on dating sites. One of the newsletters aimed at women looking for a LTR or marriage partner warns women to avoid the one date wonder. The man who buys you one meal and disappears if you don't sleep with him at first meeting. The same date.

Or expects the second date to be a sex session at your place or his. Quit worrying.

SINGLES
Single women need faithful men who will look after the kids. And bring in income. If the wife has three children and stays at home or gets some condition which requires her to lie down for weeks to avoid miscarriage.

Some children need looking after, funding, to the age of 30. Or beyond. If they are feckless. Or handicapped. Or dim. Or pursing a low-paid career. Or unlucky.

DIVORCED
I think divorced people are often on the rebound. The man is too anxious to avoid giving a penny to any woman, especially not to encourage what he perceives as a gold-digger.

But if he expects sex and no friendship, won't discuss hobbies, nor say what he is doing for a living - what does he think she is doing for a living which leaves her free to see him day, evening and weekends?

With ten men to every woman on dating sites?
Why are there ten men to every woman? One of these reasons:
Men are earning more money. So if he wants to date at fast food outlets, he can go Dutch. If he wants a romantic dinner he'll have to be prepared to spend money.

WOMEN DO PAY FOR DATES
Women pay by dressing well. Often a man pays for dinner but that's the total of his expense and time. His idea of getting ready is a shower and a change of shirt.

Glamour costs women money. I once spent more than £300 (600 US dollars) on getting myself glamorous to meet a man who had advertised in an upmarket newspaper. The breakdown was:£5 on advertisement and postage and photos.I went into a shop to look at a coat in the window. He wanted a glamorous woman.

I spent £200 on new coat. £100 on new outfit. It went with the coat. £45 on matching underwear. Bra straps to match top.

£10 on new tights. A pair plus a spare for my handbag in case the first pair laddered on the journey. Good thinking. First pair laddered as I put them on with my sharp nails.

£60 on new shoes. High heels to mach outfit. He was tall.

£20 on manicure. £45 on hair tint, cut and blow-dry.

£6 on return train ticket to central London.£10 on taxi to hotel because train was late.

Have you priced those lingerie outfits? A man goes on line showing himself dressed in a tee-shirt. Cost £5-15. Or naked. He then picks a woman wearing an outfit which cost anywhere from £55 (if all bought at bargain prices) - much more money if the woman's outfit is colour co-ordinated - easily up to £200. Just try the sales catalogues on line.

He then looks surprised if she is not excited by the offer of a 99p cup of coffee in a pub. Or his offer to buy her a drink.

If she goes into a pub dressed like that somebody else will offer her a drink. Three guys will offer her a drink before she finds you. By this time she will feel that every man in Britain just wants to sleep with her and she will be in the mood, "Don't touch me!"

At a smart restaurant she is sitting with you, looking at you, and you have no rivals.

MR DEBONAIR WINS
So who does win the girl? Mr Debonair. The man with no money worries. Mr Debonair for Miss Deb On Air.

Not the man who tells her on the first date how much his divorce cost, how he was left homeless. How he is only just getting back his finance.She starts wondering about refusing the second drink he offers. Surely he can't afford it?You can talk about your past money troubles. But you have to be very careful to convey the fact that you are over the hump. That good times are ahead. That finances are in control. Frankly, your date is more confident if you don't mention money.

A man can direct the date. Select the cheapest starter, and say you really enjoy soup. Say you prefer single espresso because double keeps you awake. She will probably be persuaded to follow your reasoning.

FEMALE FINANCES
The woman can be in one of these positions:

Bored housewife - wants outings and no phone calls on family bill.Husband keeps her short so she wants a good time and glamour.

Divorcee - short of money.
Poor divorcee - still looking after children and worried - doesn't want to double her worries, wants to halve them.
Rich divorcee - lots of money but no pension and like the divorced man doesn't want an impecunious new spouse living off her dwindling savings.

Poor lonely widow - could be short of cash and affection - never goes out and wants a treat.

Separated - in limbo. Could lose finances when husband divorces. Does not want indiscreet. Wants a replacement husband, DIY, chauffeur, entertainer and admirer as well as lover.

Rich widow - wants to avoid poor conmen.

1 Bored housewife. At home. No income. If she's bored her husband is probably sleeping with and funding another woman. Keeping his wife short. She doesn't want another 'mean' man who makes her feel second best. She wants a man who is generous and rewards her with gifts and attention.

If she accommodates a visiting lover, she may feel guilty. Or constantly be listening for the doorkey.

Some men like the excitement of risking being found out. I think most men don't. I think most women don't. That's why we see the words 'discreet' everywhere.

Her husband who is paying the bills won't be happy to find that he's paying for a home where she's entertaining another man. Husband could come back unexpectedly. So a bored housewife really wants a man who can take her to a hotel.

A man tried to tell me that a husband never comes back unexpectedly. He always gives you an hour's warning. Our date was over then. I rated him as totally unrealistic. He wanted the world to operate the way that suited him. He expected a married woman's husband to act so as not to inconvenience a man the husband did not know about.

Large numbers of people are in prison because a spouse came home unexpectedly. Nobody ever thought it would happen. On a hundred occasions it didn't. Then one day the husband left work early. Maybe he phoned - but the wife had the phone off the hook. By accident. Or because she was in bed with 'Charlie'. Or hubbie dashed home because he'd run short of cash. Or forgotten his credit card. Or needed his bike. Or rain stopped the football match. Or he was driving that way. Or wanted to surprise her with flowers. Whatever. Maybe his mobile phone died so he couldn't phone.Spouses and children and relatives with keys are not obliged to phone before entering the house.

DATING SUCCESS DEPENDS ON
Another newsletter said the obvious but was so helpful. It said that a person often stops after the first date not because the women wasn't good enough but because the man felt he wasn't good enough.

That explains my lovely farmer in the pink, shirt, tall, dark and smiling. My glamorous clothes and smart restaurant did not impress him. It wasn't just that I was picked a place that was too expensive.

While I was trying to tell him what a kir was, hoping he'd be pleased to know, he just felt I was putting him down and he couldn't keep up. So I was thinking of myself. I was wondering am I too old and too overweight, while I should have been assuring him that I admired his ability to milk cows.

Similarly, but the reverse of the coin, a date went wrong for me in central London. Rich and educated man. We got on so well. But while I was trying hard to impress, he told me, 'we're looking for different things'.

For a week after he emailed me and asked me to ring him. I could not understand why he still wanted to be in touch. I just felt crushed. I had felt I had everything for him. I was cultured and kind. He was a magistrate and demanded honesty. But I wasn't prepared to tell him all about myself on that date. He'd just told me I was an amusing friend but not a girlfriend.

He had not made me feel good about myself.Yes, I want to be thought of as young-looking and sexy. But like Marilyn Monroe to be told you are sexy when you are looking for love just makes you feel unervalued.

One man said to me that it was shallow to be interested in money. Bills have to be paid. I'd rather spend my days writing books and teaching and leave finance to a man whose entrepreneurial skills are greater than mine.

Most men are predominantly science and finance orientated. You are very lucky to get a good all rounder. I want teh company of a friend as a replacement for my husband. He is an all rounder. But for me he seems too much of a control freak, not enough of an indulgent and encouraging nurturer.

Now I can see how to change my behaviour on a first date. One important man in my life send me presents through the post. He confessed that he is overweight. I laughed. I like overweight men. I am overweight too and want to lose weight.

That newsletter was a blinding flash. When meeing somebody new I must make him feel good, not try to impress him with my superiority. But not being too obviously desperate to please.

I remember going for a job I really wanted with Michelin books. My dream job. They rejected me. I had tried so hard.

When I asked why I'd been rejected, they told me I was over-qualified.

Time to quit worrying. Go with the flow. I've waited so long to meet a friend I've been talking to on the phone for ages. As some of the newsletters say, 'just think of it as a learning experience. Have a lovely evening.'

I am looking forward to my date. Hope you have a great weekend too.

CALL INTERRUPTED - WHY & HOW TO REACT CALMLY

CALL INTERRUPTED

Daytime Calls

The best time to call me most days is in the evening. I don't mind a first call in the day if the other person stays calm and confident. People work in the day and have callers.

The best time to call me for a long chat is in the evening. If I've gone out to dinner or to a meeting I like to chat after I've got back.

During the day I'm mostly talking to business people about mundane things. Or on the phone likewise.

Even in the evening I may be multi-tasking. But somebody who keeps me on the phone over an hour must be prepared for me to be multi-tasking and answering other calls.

Why should I cancel an evening out to talk to somebody on the phone? Why should I tie up my entire evening talking or typing to a man who has no intention of seeing me this week?

However charming he is, however much I fancy him, whether it's a first phone call or he's taking up my time three times a week, I'm going to interrupt my call or cut it short for Mr Average or Mr local, or Mr willing to take a six hour round trip drive to see me, if he is on the phone or likely to phone asking to meet me tonight, tomorrow lunch, dinner in two days time, or next weekend?

CALL INTERRUPTED

Some people are very possessive. The get angry if you want to end a call.

But they also get upset if you keep talking until you are interrupted. Even if you tell them the reason. In advance. And they believe it.

IM Interruptions

I had one man B who interrupted my long IM typing to a closer friend A. I left A for a moment to answer B. Then went back to A to explain I had another pop-up window. When I went back to A I got an upset angry message.

You may recognize this sort of message. It's the kind I've had before once in a while. They rant: 'That's what you think of me. I can take a hint. Am I so awful ... ? I won't waste any more of my time and yours ... Thanks for nothing.'

What's the point of that? Firstly, he's now upset me so I won't come back. I don't want drama kings.

I want calm, kind, sophisticated, confident, nurturing optimists.

He should assume that I like him as we have talked before. He should assume and programme me to agree that I would have talked to him if some other priority or emergency had not come up.

If the line goes dead it could mean that my laptop has fallen off the slide-out drawer. That my cable has pulled out of the wall.

That a spider appeared beside my desk! That a wasp flew through the window and is dive-bombing me.

That the postman called with a letter to be to be signed for. Or a parcel was delivered. I had to reach the door to answer before they left and drove off.

That something on the stove suddenly boiled over. Making a mess, wasting my food. Risking starting a fire - and I had to attend to it.

That my elderly aunt has just died. I've an incoming call from the hospital. I can't break off or I'll ring back and find they've gone or the switchboard can't tell me who called. Or her distraught daughter, my cousin, wanting to tell me what happened and aunty's last words. And when the funeral will be. She's dictating an address. I can't break off instantly. It would be heartless. Impractical.

I might not want to burden a stranger or a friend with all these trivial domestic details. Or the ins and outs of postmen and meter readers. Revealing my minor problems which might make me sound incompetent. Depressing family news should not be inflicted on some stranger who is ringing up to get away from their own problems.

The confident person always assumes that if you were friendly before you will be again. How do you know there is not an emergency? One of my friends was an the phone to somebody and the line went dead.

The other person had had an epileptic fit. Would they have been thrilled to come round and find their caller was not making polite enquiries as to whether anything was wrong and could they help, but adding to the stress and embarrassment by sending four-letter word messages?

THE BOOKING CALL

Some people won't talk to you unless it's a long time. They get miffed. They retort, 'Wait until you can spare me some time'.

And if it's a close family member or friend or business call why should somebody who has never met you think they should take priority?

It's only logical to give greater priority to a person who pays you a salary, pays your bills, sees you daily or weekly or regularly, rather than some total stranger who has never met you and might never meet you.

I like a confident person capable of leaving a sensible message on an answering machine.

If our call is interrupted or you get an answering machine you should have the wit to make a polite and cheerful reply. How do you operate at work and with the family?

If the time is not mutually convenient we could happily have a brief call daytime to fix a longer evening call.

Then in the evening I hope to give my new friend or potential date the attention he deserve in the evening.

I think warmth comes from tone of voice.

Yes, the emails and phone calls are tests of how the person will behave in a crisis. Will they add to the confusion and anxiety by being angry? Or will they stay calm and help and sympathise if you have a disaster? Will they find practical solutions? Will they be, as Diana described it, 'a rock'?

Do I want to be in business with this person, in a long-term relationship with them? Which man would you choose? That's how you judge others.

Now consider how they judge you. How do you react on the phone? The merely practical thing is to say: 'The line went dead. It wasn't my end. Do you think it was yours?'

The man (or woman) who is in absolute charge of his life and yours and the relationship, delivers cheerful messages with slight implied put-downs, but clearly carrying on the relationship in a stronger fashion, taking even greater control of you, the situation and the relationship.

What do you think?

Should the man or the woman make the call?

SHOULD THE MAN OR WOMAN MAKE THE CALL?

The balance of opinion from experts seems to be that the man should do the running and make the calls.

Yet my experience in business and social life and the internet is that if you sat around all day waiting for business contact and Mr Right

to find you, you will spend a lot of time working alone. If you make a few moves, you get action.

For the first few hours day or week, I'll wait to established that my man is willing to take calls during the busy working day. I want to be sure he is always glad to hear from me. That he is never embarrassed to admit to family and friends that I'm calling.

Once a relationship is established I'd like a man I could call with phone calls yo-yoing throughout the day and evening and weekend. A friend.

Unless one of us is overseas. Basically, if a close friend calls, you reply immediately. Unless you are somewhere like on a riverboat or in a tunnel or a conference meeting where it's hard to reply.

I like precise proactive positive and polite language. After the people making sleezy cam calls Video Call sounds so much more businesslike and practical.

One man referred to preferring to 'talk rather than type'. What a great phrase. It is agreeably alliterative. (I was evaluating speeches last night.)