Internet social site tips - Why Not Send A Recent Photo?

A man put up a profile with a photo which was three decades out of date. Why?

He put up a picture. So he thought a picture was important. 

It was a very nice picture. But why not a recent photo?

Many people use out of date profile pictures. Why? Because the best one was several weeks or months ago? 

If you know you are going to get a new passport or put up an online profile, get yourself a new photo. And whenever you are dressed up smartly, for example at a wedding, get lots of pictures taken. 

What impression does the viewer form on seeing an out of date photo? I imagine you are still a nice person, but totally different. I would like to relate to the current you, not to some totally false impression of you.

 

Let's suppose that your picture conveys the impression that you are young and sporty with long hair. 

Yet if you are 35 years older you are probably bald and unfit. Your readers could be the same. Or they might be quite comfortable with that

.

You must admit that a photo unlike you leads to reader to suspect you are hiding something. 

I want to know if you are smiling or scowling.

I thought I was being polite and encouraging when I  said I might like you as you are now.

Do you think that a man or woman is shallow if they want to see a photo?  To call somebody shallow is a confrontational and aggressive statement.

I don't only judge on looks. I judge on whether I get a friendly, positive reply. 

If I sent you a picture of myself 35 years ago what would you expect? 

I might have different hair colour and my age and weight could be different. You would imagine a totally different person and when we met it would take a lot of getting used to.  

On the internet there are all sorts of types, ranging from covered in tattoos to paraplegic, from waist length beard and hair to clean-shaven and totally bald. From bow tie to tee-shirt. From the sporty hiker to the bookish intellectual. 

Before starting a long correspondence or giving out personal details it is perfectly reasonable for a woman to get some idea of the man. Firstly for her own safety. Secondly because in the long run, you would meet and introduce to friends to see if they are presentable. Thirdly to angle your chat so as to co-ordinate with their lifestyle and views. 

If you get an out of date photo, all you know so far is that the poster or sender has avoided telling the truth and being friendly and positive.

If you do not post a photo for security reasons, say so.

But a photo which is several years old - nothing like you - suggests you have something to hide. 

Are you not happy with the way you look?

One of the main complaints by people on the internet is that they meet people who are nothing like the photo.

If you do not like your appearance, or think it is off-putting, then change it. If you are bald, admit it but wear a hat.

A picture is only one part of how you present yourself to others, how much you care about honesty and their opinion of you. You should be able and willing to dress reasonably presentably to suit the occasion and not embarrass others and look somebody in the eye. 

Looks are not the only and over-riding important matter - but it is important to know something about a stranger and to be able to visualise them.

I hope I have encouraged you to be happy and confident about the idea of showing a picture - which is a normal request. Don't take exception to a request for a photo. 

If I asked what you did for a living or what you studied or anything else. A request for a photo could be a deal-breaker, ore merely opening a conversation and inviting you to reveal more.  You don't want to make the other person afraid to ask or say anything  in case you get annoyed. Up to you to reply and continue in a positive fashion.

POSITIVE WRITING RULES

POSITIVE WRITING RULES

Ideally you should be entirely positive.

If you must include a negative, at least end on a positive. With practise you can learn to speak, think and feel positive all the time. So your words, thoughts, gestures and facial expressions are all positive.

 

So maybe we should stick to three rules in an email or date

Don’t say

a) ‘I have no money’

‘If you are x, move on’ (First half of that sentence says I’m a loser and a victim and a failure on this site or in the dating game. The second half of the sentence is an aggressive, belligerent statement - is this how you will behave when you end a relationship - telling the other person to go, get lost, rather than thanking them for their time and wishing them well.)

‘I am physically/mentally disabled and if you can’t deal with that ....’

Focus on the positive contribution of both partners in the relationship - I am in a wheelchair but still take part in sports and look after a business and I am looking for a loving kind person, perhaps in the nursing profession - or somebody who always wanted to be a nurse

There is a simple way to summarise this conversational over-revelation - Too Much Information.

If you are gregarious or lonely or feel it would be a good tactic to increase your options and you want to meet more people - of any type, perhaps you should say less in your profile, or fewer negative things, and more positive things.

At first sight you might think that the simple solution is not to talk about personal negatives. Is it okay not to talk about the man who attacked you in the street - only about the awful mugging described in the newspapers last week? 

The dangers are that this encourages negative thoughts, bad memories, and signals ‘let’s talk about disasters’. It can encourage a kind of victim one-downmanships. I met somebody worse than that, my medical problems are worse than yours -

If you want to find the worst about somebody else’s life straight away, okay. If I were just gathering stories for a novel, or ideas for a joke or humorous speech, that would be amusing as a one-off date. But for my dates, or for me, to do this regularly would not lead to happy evenings dating nor a long-term relationship.

The solution for better self-image and PR and prospects imagining a successful and co-operative relationship:

Focus on your successes - not on one-up manship, not on changing somebody else’s dire life, but on being initially a source of pleasure and eventually a team player.

How do you ingratiate yourself when you meet somebody and have a one minute speech?

Balance my worst holiday with my best holiday. Don’t talk about why I hate one race, religion or nationality or city, but what I like about my country, your country, my religion, your religion, what we have in common. 

-ends-

MONEY & DATING

MONEY 

A man complained to me that when he tells women on a first date that he lost all his money they don’t want a second date. He is ‘cynical’ about their motives.

There is a saying that if you keep doing the same thing, you get the same results.

Perhaps the women are doing the right thing - for themselves. They are eliminating a man who

Can’t look after money

Can’t keep personal matters secret

Does not appear to have learned from past mistakes

He complains that they are all ‘after money’ or ‘looking for security’.

Several things may be going through their mind either as a specific thought or general uneasiness:

Maybe he cannot afford to date because he is saving

He is revealing his anxiety about not having money - saying he is not enjoying the date because he can’t afford to pay the bill

If they have no money, he cannot support them when they retire or fall sick

He may be expecting the woman to support him.

If they are not gold-diggers (women with no money seeking men who have lots of money) but have a lot of money, they may feel he will lose their money, or can’t be trusted to look after it.

He is not going to want a long term relationship because he feels insecure financially and does not want any ongoing financial commitment - in other words he is going to end the relationship soon - better for the woman not to start a relationship and get emotionally involved with Mr Wrong or Mr Disappearing or Mr Unreliable. If he wants to forget past mistakes and problems and move on - he should focus on the message that he is moving on. 

Maybe he is frightening them about their own financial situation, making them worried. Some may want a man who offers financial security longterm. Others may not. But probably both types still want a sufficiently jolly get-away-from-it-all date.

They may wonder, 

Is he always going to be telling sob stories - generally miserable

He may be moving the conversation to borrowing money either because of his situation or as a con trick

This could be the start of a series of disaster stories, how he lost his money, lost his family, lost his passport - even when he gets a winning hand he can’t play it right.

Can you see the solution?  You can always put a positive slant on it. I have income rather than capital. Reverse the sentence - I don't have capital but I have income. Or - my strength is income. If you have capital rather than income - we might have a good financial fit. Or - I don't have a huge income but I can take you on a jolly night out.

Or stick to the positives. I am thrifty.

Or I like to picnic in the park - with the best M & S sandwiches, strawberries and cream and champagne.

Sweet Talk On A Date

Allow the other person to speak at the end of each sentence. maximum three sentences or three minutes and then let them agree, or say what they think, or change the subject.

Keep conversation upbeat and positive

SWEET SUBJECTS
A cookery book told me that in some countries the etiquette is that conversation at the dinner table should always be positive and happy to aid digestion.

So avoid getting maudlin.
You will depress yourself and the listener if you talk about:
a) How my family member or best friend died.
b) My serious medical problems.
The accident or disaster I saw in the street.
All the money I lost and the mistakes I made and haven’t learned how to avoid.

Stick to stories of happiness, fun, great discoveries, good places, wonderful people.

When Your Wife Had A Baby

When Your Wife Had A Baby

Were You

a Out having sex with somebody else

b Busy at work

c Buying drinks for the boys

d Phoning all your friends

e Paying the bills

f Decorating the nursery

g Sitting beside her telling her you’d decorated the nursery and paid the bills

h Shouting at her to push

i Tell her that you loved her, that you’d decorated the nursery and paid the bills, advising her to push, telling her how well she’d done, and saying the baby had your nose and her eyes and the plans you had

Your Answers

j One of the letters a to h but you now know what went wrong was you didn’t do one of the others a to i but too late, that’s the past, never mind

k One of the letters a to h but you now know that it should have been i - and you’ve learned. That experience won’t come again but you are now a wiser, stronger, more confident reliable and loving person

l Haven’t time to figure this out but very amusing - let’s have dinner

m You are a smart cookie - but I’m even smarter - you missed out the essentials - I’ll tell you my theories when I see you - let’s have dinner

n You are a smart cookie - and I’m a good match - let’s meet and talk about it and everything else over dinner

 

Safe Talk When Meeting Strangers On The Train & Internet

Strangers On The Train & Internet

Safety In Conversation
What to avoid talking about?
Drinking can make you garrulous. You could reveal too much to a stranger

Reveal whether you live alone
When you are out - and if your house is empty
How much money you have

Your desire for money (She might come across as a gold-digger.) Sex. (He might think she’s a nympho, wants sex on first date, or is a call girl.) She might think he’s sex-mad, pushy and dangerous)

Comparisons are dangerous. For example - 'my last girlfriend was perfect' sounds positive.  But maybe it suggests the listener is not). Listen to the feedback. It could be, 'I can't ....' That listener is seeing your list of relationships as a shortlist and hoping to be top. That listener would have been happier listening to compliments. If the other person ever asks, How am I doing? they are looking for praise and flattery. 

The clues are all there. Don't think up your answer a week later when it's too late. The trick is to respond immediately. Better still - get the clues before you start speaking.

You don't want to talk miserably or angrily at length about 'how 

my last girlfriend deceived me' (suggesting I’m a naive self-pitying victim). On the other hand, if the other person has been in a similar situation, you can describe it very briefly.  Can you reduce the story to one sentence - or four words - and add four or more positive words? For example, 'My last husband/wife was having constant affairs and I'll looking for somebody loyal and faithful. Is that what you are looking for?'

Talking about people who are famous and rich can lead to odious comparisons or disappointed expectations. For example, she might think:
'His best friend’s a millionaire but all he can afford is a cheap drink.'

She might think: He knows all these famous people but he’s a nobody. I agree with him - I’d like to be with Brad Pitt right now. Or
He knows these great people but doesn’t take me to meet them. So either he is lying .... or ...
He doesn’t think I’m good enough to meet them. Or -
He is losing interest in me because I’m not famous.

Safer subjects are things you enjoy - so long as the other person enjoyed them. Trying to convince somebody that something they hate is what you love and what they should love might not be your best strategy. If you disagree, ensure the conversation is not hostile and confrontational but positive. Make sure you smile.

If you’ve talked for half an hour your listener may look mesmerized. But if you never allow them to speak, it’s a monologue. When both people speak equally, you have a dialogue. 

Of course, there are couples where talkers marry listeners and extraverts marry introverts. Attraction of opposites. When the talker stops, the listener should give the speaker applause, too. 

If the speaker asks, 'Am I boring you?' he is having self-doubt, not allowing time for enough feedback. Or not getting enough of the hoped-for encouragement. 

For example, 'Interesting!' depending on the tone of voice could mean: You are nuts. You are weird. You are a victim. You are stupid. You are cruel. You never learn.  I refuse to comment in case I commit myself. I'm glad I wasn't there. I am trying to follow this roller-coaster jumble. Enough, already! You are like watching TV. I'll keep watching and hope the ending is good.

What is the closing line? Is it:

'Thank you for meeting me.' 

'Thank you for listening. '

'I've enjoyed it.' 

'We must do this again some time.' (Meaning 'No hurry. Only if nothing better turns up.)

Or: 'How about next week?'

Bear in mind that regardless of your emotional fit, some people are more inclined to plan ahead than others.

If you have entertained sombody for an evening. to make them want a second date ensure you have made them feel desirable and desired.

Self-praise modified by flattery
Disraeli flattered Queen Victoria - even though she knew she was queen of England.
And he did not praise himself. He looked for what they had in common. He did not say, 'I’m an author,' but, ‘We authors, Ma’am ...’ Now that’s something I must remember.

The Height Of Disaster - Admitting Your Height

I once had a single date and told a tall man who was over six foot tall my height - stated it as so many inches and three quarters. I could not understand why he did not date me again. 

Two years later I met him again without realizing I knew him. I had changed my hair colour and changed weight and he did not recognize me.

On second or third date he asked me my height. I told him, rounded up the figure. He replied,'That's okay. I once dated a girl who was (figure with the fraction) and that was too short.'

After a minute's silence, I said, 'You met me in Birmingham - spring two years ago!'

I'd never realized that the lack of a quarter of an inch had made me sound too short.

The second time around, again, the relationship ended. 

He just didn't like the idea of a girl who was so short.

I should have kept quiet about my real height the second time.   

  

I lost another relationship with a man who told me, after we'd arranged a dinner date, and I wanted to know his particulars so as to recognize him, that he was only five foot three. I thought about it and decided that it didn’t matter. He could wear built up shoes. On a date he could stay sitting down. Lying in bed you can be eye to eye or - all sorts of things.

However, he then cancelled the date by email. He said he was upset that I sounded flummoxed about his height and wanted somebody who liked him 100%. 

He had just gone through a divorce. I think he was being over-sensitive. 

I had agreed to meet him. We might have disliked each other anyway, or just felt lukewarm. Or we might have liked each other so much that height was not an issue, or it was an issue but with one negative and dozens of positives the total relationship scored a plus.

I think he made more of an issue with it than I did. Clearly he was a person to magnify difficulties, when he could have smoothed it over.

Many relationships succeed despite all sorts of problems. But you have to get to the confident conversation stage.

I can imagine two jolly people joking away:

Him: “Hey you’re a midget - why would a lamp-post like me want to meet a midget like you!’’

Her: “Cos you’ve never seen a midget like me. I’m the queen of midgets. And I’m the only midget who would put up with a rude lamp-post like you.” 

The Sex Museum, New York - shock! Horror!

This museum is steps away from the Jewish museum. It's on the underground station line. And you can get off here if you've bought the Gray line hop on hop off New York bus tour with recorded commentary. They mention Macy's department store founded by Jewish brothers - one of whom died on the Titanic with his devoted wife who refused to leave him and get in the life boat. The tour guide doesn't tell you to get off here for the Jewish Museum and the Sex Museum but we knew.

The Sex Museum is on two floors. The ground floor has the shop and the exhibition on animals and sex, with lots of videos taken by zoos and safari parks which have breeding programmes and fund investigation.

I already knew from a visit to a UK bird park that flamingos are encouraged to breed when they see other flamingos going at it. So the park installed mirrors to give the impression that twice the number of birds were indulging in an orgy. This method did seem successful. Makes you wonder about human peer pressure and teenage sleepover parties.

To my surprise nothing in the museum about flamingos. But my interest in wildlife had already been roused and I wanted to linger. In contrast to some of the male visitors who rushed past and upstairs to see what was shown and said about human sexuality.

Frankly, I found the information about animals quite shocking. If you think the behaviour, photos and videos of people on adult dating sites sites is uninhibited, animals are even more so. 

Some animals have group sex. Some are bisexual. Others mate with anything, any age, too young to breed, the animal equivalent of sex predators. 

A small number will pair off and stay devotedly coupled. I've been researching on line for a project for children and wonder what I dare tell them and how much to comment. A friend told me his 9 year old daughter liked watching wildlife TV programmes. One showed baby birds eating each other. He wondered whether this might upset her. But she wasn't phazed; not as much as he was. (He was concerned for the birds, himself, and his daughter. She just shrugged.)     

After this museum shock seeing animals and reading about them, I raced upstairs to catch up. (I'd lost my companion and was running short of time.)

It would take a while to read all the captions and digest the significance. They showed: condoms, art displaying sex acts of humans and robots, films though the ages and how censorship had changed and landmark films. 

And sex advice films showing different sexual positions. That was really useful.

The shop had some amusing books. One on make your own sex toys - not serious, things like woolly condoms. 

Another was on sexual versions of fairy tales. Things like Snow white and the seven gay dwarfs. I'm now sorry I didn't buy that for a laugh. I was trying not to buy heavy things because of luggage weight flying home. 

  

The shop also sold chocolate covered condoms. I think every person will get something quite different out of visiting this museum. Strange that I was shocked, but not by the human stuff at all, only by the animals.

Sex Museum Location Information

I had visited another sex museum in China, when it was in Shanghai. It has now moved to a city further south, which presumably means lower rental and makes a lesser-known city more of a tourist attraction.

In Europe other museums are in Amsterdam and Prague.

Museum of Sex

233 Fifth Avenue,

At 27th.

New York

www.museum.of sex.com

Entry fee $15+ tax, students and seniors $14+tax (no under 18s).

Beards

Is this your problem?

‘Suzie’ says:

“I had a kissing setback with a man with a beard.

“His moustache-beard was so bristly that whenever he tried to kiss me, a few seconds later he moved and I was hit by what felt like a scrubbing brush. I jumped away.

“He said he liked long kisses. Me too.

“I can't tell him the problem. He's the sensitive type.”

My solution. Maybe one could suggest conditioner. But not if he’s the sensitive type who can’t take ‘criticism’. When delivering ‘criticism’, praise before and after.

Better still have a shower and shampoo him all over and add conditioner. That's the answer.