Why do some people just click with you, yet others jar? It's good to come across a few who are annoying. Makes you appreciate the real sweeties.
Let me tell you about some of the iffy ones. I've read profiles of or spoken to some men who claim to be very wealthy. You know that if they have lived all over the world and they are staying in a five star hotel and have a certain type of job and a house with four or more bedrooms and a large car and know the top places in almost any city you mention and spend their spare time playing golf they are not short of money and can probably put dinner on expenses.
Never mind what a man will do on date two. Most surveys say you have to date an average of about twenty to find your perfect match. Some couples are very lucky. Some people are less lucky.
But that means that you have to spend 19 out of 20 evenings with Mr not quite right. Nineteen times out of twenty it is not a perfect match. So you have to make the best of the activity or surroundings to give your first date the best chance of success.
I put a lot of effort into looking nice on a date. I think most women do. So we want men to have also put in some effort.
Obviously personality type and where you work has something to do with it. One friend suggested to me that Italian men are more likely than the British to take pride in being well-groomed, whatever their income.
Yet along comes a man who is short of time but has loads of money. He only wants to invite women out for a date to a pub or for cup of coffee. A pair of new tights is going to cost her more than the cup of coffee. And her income is less than his so she is spending proportionally more.
Sometimes the upmarket man's email or phone call is full of challenging words, "Why would a man like me want a woman like you?"
Maybe I'm just being over sensitive. Perhaps that a perfectly reasonable question?
No. I prefer the man who says, 'I'm a great cook, I love in a pleasant modern / traditional house in the heart of the city / countryside.'
He should then enthuse about her and ask, 'Do tell me more about yourself.' As if he is interested. Not as if he is a bouncer on the door suspiciously checking the ID of a gatecrasher.
Of course this applies to women, too.
He should also love his job. And have a great place he'd love to take you. Or be willing to find a great place nearer the woman so she doesn't have to travel.
If she's coming by car, he should be sure she can park somewhere safe. He should offer her options. Would you prefer A or B?
What about the sort of approach which I feel creates the wrong impression?
'If we get along ...,' they say, 'I'll do this, I'll do that.'
No 'ifs'. No promises which are destined to leave 19 out of women disappointed.
Wait and see. Don't make promises you can't keep.
After the man has established that the woman still likes him - despite the medical problem he never mentioned, then he can make offers.
Or he says, 'That'll come later.'
Just a minute. There are ten women to every man on this site. I might not want to meet him again. I'm only interested in this date. If he doesn't impress me on date one, he doesn't get a second date.
What does he get aggressive at any mention of meeting of meeting for a meal. 'Are you a gold-digger?' he demands. What can one say to that?
On the other hand a dear little taxi driver is nearly in tears because he feels he is not good enough when I turn up looking glamorous and sweet at the pub or fish and chip shop. Which I've suggested, having got a clue about what I think is his modest budget and usual style of a grand date.
I can only conclude that either:
a) The men claiming to be wealthy have so many offers they can go on forever persuading desperate women to do anything for a cup of coffee and a dream.
b) They are mean. So mean that - that's why their wife left them.
I have a couple of friends like that. One wife complained she wanted to take their daughter to a tennis / chess competition which involved the cost of travel. Her husband didn't want to pay. He owned a block of flats! He was happy to spend money on what he wanted. But not on his wife and children.
So, back to the dating scene. Most women of means and a 'polite' professional background will feel insulted by confrontational language. The way of treating people like teasing a dog with a bone on a string just out of reach.
So the only people men like that will meet are the gold-diggers.
Also they are programming the listener. It's basic NLP and child-raising. If you keep telling other people they have ulterior motives, that's how they turn out.
I move on. I look for somebody who wants to be part of a team. That was what my beloved parents had lifelong and what so many are missing today.
So what am I doing in this post? I don't want you to be like the man I've just described to be mean.
If you go on about debts, and what you would do IF ONLY you had the money, really the woman doesn't want to know. She wants to think that you are offering her the best you can afford and that it's going to be fun, fun, fun.
No point in insisting on meeting for coffee in a pub and then moaning about the seediness of the pub and how you need to leave because the drunks are getting loud and coming in your direction (happened to me in the pub last night - not on a date, in a group).
So let me end by telling you what I'm looking for and recommending. The man who books a restaurant or cute coffee shop. And is positive about the venue. '.You will love it.' (Never mind the smarter place that would be loved by some fictional woman he might entertain next week.)
I love it if he stands up when I walk in. While he's up he can ask if I'd prefer another table. If we go to one of my favourite restaurants, the waiter might ask if we'd prefer another table. The dinner date man should be playing host. You don't want her falling in love with the waiter who is giving her all the attention, offering another table, pulling out her chair, discussing the drink, discussing the menu. That's a neutral topic the couple should be discussing together.
Is the menu an excuse for a confrontation? A round of grievances and bad memories?
Or a chance to share information? Mutual joy? Anticipation? Even sharing.
That's another good reason for a restaurant meal. I can remember the first meals I shared with the important men in my life. All the good things. The eye contact. The exchange of glances. The assurances.
He dresses in his smartest outfit. Helps pull out the chair, tuck in my dress - a chance to get tactile there - very subtly.
Doesn't just tell me to 'come as you are'. But gets all excited at the thought of the outfit I've promised to wear.
Has brought something for me. Doesn't have to be Could be something to show me from the internet. Anything which shows thought and planning. Asks me what I want to drink as soon as I arrive and orders on my behalf.
I shouldn't have to order or myself and be left wondering what he's eating and drinking and whether I'm in budget. Generally if he opts for the cheapest option I'll avoid the most expensive one. If he's only drinking one glass, me too.
The perfect evening is when we are in total harmony.
But let me move onto the sort of evening I enjoy. Next post.
I believe you start as you mean to go on.
What do you think?
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
Programmers - think of overseas readers - readers - complain!
I am constantly having trouble with sites which want me to choose a US state for my location.
This is a real nuisance. I'm currently typing this in the UK. I've also lived in the Far East. And a relative of mine is working in Europe for a few months. He might want to order goods from there. I might want to send him a birthday present.
When it comes to dating sites it is even more imperative to have your whole site co-ordinated. Often if you don't fill in a US state the whole system crashes and you can't just retype that page, you have to start all over again - a real waste of time.
The internet is worldwide and on the day I create this post I'm in London, in the UK. It would be helpful to have 'other' under location. I put Maryland because that's where I used to live and in case the system won't let me comment unless I chose a US state and city.
Dating sites often insist that I chose a US state in searches. They allow me to register as being in the UK. Yet I can't search for anybody in the UK. Ridiculous.
Because up come 15 pages of people around the world. I have to read three pages of people before finding one in the UK.
I might end up being listed as living in the USA, although elsewhere in their system the questionnaire allows you to choose from a long list of countries anywhere in the world.
So the UK readers will ignore me because they think I am in the USA. If they find me listed as living in one place on one part of the site, but living elsewhere on another part of the site, what do they assume? They might think I am half-witted. Or lying. By the time they realise that the site has a page which insists that I pick a US state, they have lost my profile.
Often the comment and contact systems won't let you tell them about this problem. You can only ask or comment or report if you have on of their chosen list of subjects such as another member being abusive.
Occasionally I type in a comment in a space for other on another subject entirely
If you are a reader, please comment on this whenever you find a system which makes you choose USA. The sites take your money and want your business and more readers or participants.
I don't know whether the programmers don't have the time or are juniors in their first job or simply haven't noticed that they have provision for overseas readers on one page but not another.
If you do page setups, perhaps you can explain to me why this happens.
I might be happy to have a pen-pal on the opposite side of the world. I might be happy to meet somebody travelling to my current location.
However, I want a dinner date or a steady boyfriend in the same coutnry. What's more, if I contact people in other countries, a high proportion of them will write back and say I sound delightful but even if I would be willing to locate, they want a local relationship.
They are looking for a date this weekend. Not somebody who will be writing for six months. Besides, by that time one of us may have found somebody else.
If you or the other members are looking for a local relationship, being matched with somebody in the same country in your first search is enormously helpful.
This is a real nuisance. I'm currently typing this in the UK. I've also lived in the Far East. And a relative of mine is working in Europe for a few months. He might want to order goods from there. I might want to send him a birthday present.
When it comes to dating sites it is even more imperative to have your whole site co-ordinated. Often if you don't fill in a US state the whole system crashes and you can't just retype that page, you have to start all over again - a real waste of time.
The internet is worldwide and on the day I create this post I'm in London, in the UK. It would be helpful to have 'other' under location. I put Maryland because that's where I used to live and in case the system won't let me comment unless I chose a US state and city.
Dating sites often insist that I chose a US state in searches. They allow me to register as being in the UK. Yet I can't search for anybody in the UK. Ridiculous.
Because up come 15 pages of people around the world. I have to read three pages of people before finding one in the UK.
I might end up being listed as living in the USA, although elsewhere in their system the questionnaire allows you to choose from a long list of countries anywhere in the world.
So the UK readers will ignore me because they think I am in the USA. If they find me listed as living in one place on one part of the site, but living elsewhere on another part of the site, what do they assume? They might think I am half-witted. Or lying. By the time they realise that the site has a page which insists that I pick a US state, they have lost my profile.
Often the comment and contact systems won't let you tell them about this problem. You can only ask or comment or report if you have on of their chosen list of subjects such as another member being abusive.
Occasionally I type in a comment in a space for other on another subject entirely
If you are a reader, please comment on this whenever you find a system which makes you choose USA. The sites take your money and want your business and more readers or participants.
I don't know whether the programmers don't have the time or are juniors in their first job or simply haven't noticed that they have provision for overseas readers on one page but not another.
If you do page setups, perhaps you can explain to me why this happens.
I might be happy to have a pen-pal on the opposite side of the world. I might be happy to meet somebody travelling to my current location.
However, I want a dinner date or a steady boyfriend in the same coutnry. What's more, if I contact people in other countries, a high proportion of them will write back and say I sound delightful but even if I would be willing to locate, they want a local relationship.
They are looking for a date this weekend. Not somebody who will be writing for six months. Besides, by that time one of us may have found somebody else.
If you or the other members are looking for a local relationship, being matched with somebody in the same country in your first search is enormously helpful.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
HOW MUCH HONESTY IS SAFE ON LINE?
Honesty. Yes. It's the basis of American and Christian society. We blame those we dislike for being dishonest.
Let's look at this closer.
NEVER TELL A LIE?
a1) SAINTS. HONESTY IS MY VIRTUE. LOVE THE WORLD.American Christian. George Washington. Politician. Son. Learned from parents. To be trusted.They are so straightforward that you instinctively respond. You know they won't judge you for being the wrong age, religion, or anything else. They say who they are. Without thinking about it, you immediately say who you are. They give you their home phone number, work phone, website and show you identity when they meet you to reassure you that you can trust them.
The opposite end of the spectrum is:
a2) JUDGERS
He works as a headmaster, teacher, psychoanalyst, judge, policeman, voluntary worker in a hospital or prison, or a magistrate. He is used to demanding the truth from other but is never obliged, for security reasons, to give out his own personal details.
You have a hard job convincing him that you, too, have to consider your security and not just give out your personal details to a stranger who won't give out his.
He should not be trying to persuade you to do so on a first date. Unless he has a second date, you don't know that he has serious intentions. If he doesn't, no need to give out information.
Not only that, he should not be programming a woman to give out information. If she tells him her details and gets into his car on the first date, and all goes well, she will be more inclined to do so with her next encounter. Next time if she's not so lucky ...
Extreme type of caution for others:I've had people get irate because I gave them a phone number, and give me warnings.
They have said, 'How can you be so careless? Never mind that you trust me. You should not trust anybody! I shall destroy it immediately. You have no sense of security! I can't trust you with my details. You're not safe to meet!'
b) ESCAPEES. LYING IS MY PROTECTION
Romany tradtion is just one example - always tell lies. To strangers. In the culture. For self-protection. (Read Bury Me Standing.)
Evasive. Never live in one place. Don't want to be caught.
Eternal students. Multiple spouses. Remember the song: 'All my exes live in Texas, that's why I hang my hat in Tennessee?
They don't just have on on-line nickname. They have three or more names for their different jobs, on assorted business cards with different names and addresses, most of which are their cousins and places where they don't live any more. Loads of funny stories about how ex-wives and landlords came round at night and how they got out of the back window. Don't call them because they are about to move on.
c) INTERROGATORS. TELL ME OR ELSE!
They expect others to be honest immediately on line. Demand to know your real age and birth date. I rate these as controlling types.
Some want to know all about you whilst telling nothing about themselves.
Others are garrulous, incautious, careless, indiscreet - tell you more about their sex life with their spouse, their finances, their health, the other women they are talking about, names of every person they've met in 50 years, far more than you need to know.
Sneaky stalkers:
Their Question: Tell me your birth date because I need to know your zodiac sign to know whether we are compatible.
My answer: I already know we are not compatible.
d) GENTLEMEN. They say, 'YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME ...'
Polite subtle detectives. They get clues as to your age from the age of your children, what you remember, your tastes in music.
Generally kind and discreet. Learn as much as they need to know. Don't tell much. Don't ask much. But you feel they are reliable.
e) TIMID HIDERS
Never want to reveal anything. Too scared. Don't want to hear your details. Might expose you. Or them. Supposing they got asked about you! Could land them in trouble.
You might demand reciprocation. Best not.
f) SNAILS
They say: 'Okay, today, I'll tell you my first name. Tomorrow I'll tell you my phone number. The next day I'll tell you what I do for a living. The day after that ... In a year's time, when we really trust each other, we might meet.
(They are ever so surprised to learn that after a month of this going nowhere stuff, you've got tired of watching TV and went out and dated somebody else - and actually told them in the hope that it would jolt them into some action.)
Which types have you met?
Have any of your phone calls or dates had nasty moments because you said too much or too little? How would you advise others?
Did the other person lie? Show the wrong photo? What was their excuse? Was it inexcusable?
Did you do anything to conceal your identity? Do you feel you were justified?
Let's look at this closer.
NEVER TELL A LIE?
a1) SAINTS. HONESTY IS MY VIRTUE. LOVE THE WORLD.American Christian. George Washington. Politician. Son. Learned from parents. To be trusted.They are so straightforward that you instinctively respond. You know they won't judge you for being the wrong age, religion, or anything else. They say who they are. Without thinking about it, you immediately say who you are. They give you their home phone number, work phone, website and show you identity when they meet you to reassure you that you can trust them.
The opposite end of the spectrum is:
a2) JUDGERS
He works as a headmaster, teacher, psychoanalyst, judge, policeman, voluntary worker in a hospital or prison, or a magistrate. He is used to demanding the truth from other but is never obliged, for security reasons, to give out his own personal details.
You have a hard job convincing him that you, too, have to consider your security and not just give out your personal details to a stranger who won't give out his.
He should not be trying to persuade you to do so on a first date. Unless he has a second date, you don't know that he has serious intentions. If he doesn't, no need to give out information.
Not only that, he should not be programming a woman to give out information. If she tells him her details and gets into his car on the first date, and all goes well, she will be more inclined to do so with her next encounter. Next time if she's not so lucky ...
Extreme type of caution for others:I've had people get irate because I gave them a phone number, and give me warnings.
They have said, 'How can you be so careless? Never mind that you trust me. You should not trust anybody! I shall destroy it immediately. You have no sense of security! I can't trust you with my details. You're not safe to meet!'
b) ESCAPEES. LYING IS MY PROTECTION
Romany tradtion is just one example - always tell lies. To strangers. In the culture. For self-protection. (Read Bury Me Standing.)
Evasive. Never live in one place. Don't want to be caught.
Eternal students. Multiple spouses. Remember the song: 'All my exes live in Texas, that's why I hang my hat in Tennessee?
They don't just have on on-line nickname. They have three or more names for their different jobs, on assorted business cards with different names and addresses, most of which are their cousins and places where they don't live any more. Loads of funny stories about how ex-wives and landlords came round at night and how they got out of the back window. Don't call them because they are about to move on.
c) INTERROGATORS. TELL ME OR ELSE!
They expect others to be honest immediately on line. Demand to know your real age and birth date. I rate these as controlling types.
Some want to know all about you whilst telling nothing about themselves.
Others are garrulous, incautious, careless, indiscreet - tell you more about their sex life with their spouse, their finances, their health, the other women they are talking about, names of every person they've met in 50 years, far more than you need to know.
Sneaky stalkers:
Their Question: Tell me your birth date because I need to know your zodiac sign to know whether we are compatible.
My answer: I already know we are not compatible.
d) GENTLEMEN. They say, 'YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME ...'
Polite subtle detectives. They get clues as to your age from the age of your children, what you remember, your tastes in music.
Generally kind and discreet. Learn as much as they need to know. Don't tell much. Don't ask much. But you feel they are reliable.
e) TIMID HIDERS
Never want to reveal anything. Too scared. Don't want to hear your details. Might expose you. Or them. Supposing they got asked about you! Could land them in trouble.
You might demand reciprocation. Best not.
f) SNAILS
They say: 'Okay, today, I'll tell you my first name. Tomorrow I'll tell you my phone number. The next day I'll tell you what I do for a living. The day after that ... In a year's time, when we really trust each other, we might meet.
(They are ever so surprised to learn that after a month of this going nowhere stuff, you've got tired of watching TV and went out and dated somebody else - and actually told them in the hope that it would jolt them into some action.)
Which types have you met?
Have any of your phone calls or dates had nasty moments because you said too much or too little? How would you advise others?
Did the other person lie? Show the wrong photo? What was their excuse? Was it inexcusable?
Did you do anything to conceal your identity? Do you feel you were justified?
Make Every Day Valentine's Day
It's in the interests of restaurants to sell high price meals on Valentine's day and newspapers to carry ads promoting it, and to run columns the week after making everybody feel guilty so that you can be sure of selling high priced meals and advertising space next year.
I am suggesting a consumer revolution. That as many people as possible buy the bunches of flowers reduced to half price in the supermarkets the next day.
Or we could have a second Valentine's Day, like boxing day, so that secretaries and people who don't warrant the money or emotional commitment can be given a little fun, without sexual overtones, and feel appreciated. I'm sure the restaurants will go for this.
Second night you get a glass of champagne, not a bottle, or a sparkling wine, not champagne, and they get to use their decorations a second night. Or do it like Christmas, make Valentine's week. Dinners all week. That way you can hardly avoid it.
Or, like Christmas, they can run a second Valentine's menu alongside the ordinary one as an option. Why haven't I, yet, written to the men in my life to say, 'Where Were You?' I should have I written to say, 'You'd better turn up with a rose between your teeth, a bottle of champagne and a box of chocolates next time you see me.'
Frankly, I'm prepared to provide the champagne myself. It's sitting on the shelf doing nothing. I get cheap bottles of wine from clubs which claim they don't have a budget for speakers. All I need is the man to pretend he's an adoring lover.
Is this going to be the year when Valentine's Day was blank for you? Can we redeem the situation?Millions of women didn't get invited out to dinner on Valentine's Day.
Or they went to the poetry club where everybody read Valentine's Day poetry.(The club should have had champagne and roses.)
There must be loads of clubs and meetings which fell on Valentine's Day, so that the chairman and secretary had to turn up. And loads of women whose husbands and boyfriends forgot and then didn't know how to make amends.
The man was overseas, or working late. Or busy with his wife, didn't realise until the day after, thought he'd be entertaining Suzie who went off with a man who made a better offer, whatever.
Or the lady might have half a dozen admirers who think she must be busy that day. (She pretends she is.) They'd like to take her out later.
Or they may think that Valentine's day is not just a financial commitment but an emotional commitment. Only for people who are about to get married and gives the impression you are already engaged.
They'd rather invite out a blind date and play at romancing, without looking like they are desperate.
What do you say to all those people who ask you what you did on Valentine's Day? Wouldn't you rather say, 'I was busy working, had a meeting.'
I'm sure lots of girls would rather have a romantic dinner with a glass of champagne and a card saying 'I adore you', or 'most beautiful girl in the world', plus a red rose, from somebody she loves, or even an acquaintance, the day after Valentine's.
Rather than spend all week reading those newspaper columns saying half the world sat at home wondering why the weren't popular last Tuesday. Advising on running on a treadmill so you don't feel suicidal.
So how can you offer a romantic post-Valentine's dinner without sounding like a cheapskate? Or that the woman is a second best afterthought?
I'm sure I'd have been delighted if either of the two (or more) great loves in my life had said, 'Sorry I couldn't see you on Valentine's Day. I'll make it up to you by taking you out for a very special dinner this weekend / week.'
Could the conversation go differently? You say either:
a) I want to take you out on Valentine's day for a romantic dinner. But the best restaurants are booked up and seem to have a set menu. Would you rather go out on the day, or shall we treat the another day that week as Valentine's day and I'll use the money I've saved to buy you some little goodies.
At this point I ask, 'What sort of little goodies?' By this time I'm sold on the idea.
Maybe not. I supposed this is really for couples who are married and living together and have a joint budget.
The trouble is once you've offered the little goodies, if I opt for the real day, I'm still hoping for the goodies. You could say, 'Would you rather have dinner and a rose on Tuesday? Or dinner on Wednesday - and with what I've saved I can afford whole bunch of roses.
Of course, I may suspect you are two-timing and taking somebody else out on the day, giving me second choice date. Or you say: 'I'm busy at work on Tuesday, (or whatever day it is). I'll send you a card/email on Tuesday, and I can take you out to dinner Thursday, or Friday, whichever you prefer.'
Look here, let's get to the point. I'm a romantic looking for a romantic. If anybody wants to take me out to a champagne dinner and give me a card and a rose, (and if you are feeling generous and hoping to get lucky, a sterling silver charm bracelet at under a tenner from any chain store jeweller in the UK, or any shopping mall cart basement level in the Far East, or any airport duty free rack) any day of the year is fine by me.
Maybe what I need is a rich submissive. Then I needn't wait. I can tell him what to do for me next Valentine's Day. Or any day next week. Any offers?
I am suggesting a consumer revolution. That as many people as possible buy the bunches of flowers reduced to half price in the supermarkets the next day.
Or we could have a second Valentine's Day, like boxing day, so that secretaries and people who don't warrant the money or emotional commitment can be given a little fun, without sexual overtones, and feel appreciated. I'm sure the restaurants will go for this.
Second night you get a glass of champagne, not a bottle, or a sparkling wine, not champagne, and they get to use their decorations a second night. Or do it like Christmas, make Valentine's week. Dinners all week. That way you can hardly avoid it.
Or, like Christmas, they can run a second Valentine's menu alongside the ordinary one as an option. Why haven't I, yet, written to the men in my life to say, 'Where Were You?' I should have I written to say, 'You'd better turn up with a rose between your teeth, a bottle of champagne and a box of chocolates next time you see me.'
Frankly, I'm prepared to provide the champagne myself. It's sitting on the shelf doing nothing. I get cheap bottles of wine from clubs which claim they don't have a budget for speakers. All I need is the man to pretend he's an adoring lover.
Is this going to be the year when Valentine's Day was blank for you? Can we redeem the situation?Millions of women didn't get invited out to dinner on Valentine's Day.
Or they went to the poetry club where everybody read Valentine's Day poetry.(The club should have had champagne and roses.)
There must be loads of clubs and meetings which fell on Valentine's Day, so that the chairman and secretary had to turn up. And loads of women whose husbands and boyfriends forgot and then didn't know how to make amends.
The man was overseas, or working late. Or busy with his wife, didn't realise until the day after, thought he'd be entertaining Suzie who went off with a man who made a better offer, whatever.
Or the lady might have half a dozen admirers who think she must be busy that day. (She pretends she is.) They'd like to take her out later.
Or they may think that Valentine's day is not just a financial commitment but an emotional commitment. Only for people who are about to get married and gives the impression you are already engaged.
They'd rather invite out a blind date and play at romancing, without looking like they are desperate.
What do you say to all those people who ask you what you did on Valentine's Day? Wouldn't you rather say, 'I was busy working, had a meeting.'
I'm sure lots of girls would rather have a romantic dinner with a glass of champagne and a card saying 'I adore you', or 'most beautiful girl in the world', plus a red rose, from somebody she loves, or even an acquaintance, the day after Valentine's.
Rather than spend all week reading those newspaper columns saying half the world sat at home wondering why the weren't popular last Tuesday. Advising on running on a treadmill so you don't feel suicidal.
So how can you offer a romantic post-Valentine's dinner without sounding like a cheapskate? Or that the woman is a second best afterthought?
I'm sure I'd have been delighted if either of the two (or more) great loves in my life had said, 'Sorry I couldn't see you on Valentine's Day. I'll make it up to you by taking you out for a very special dinner this weekend / week.'
Could the conversation go differently? You say either:
a) I want to take you out on Valentine's day for a romantic dinner. But the best restaurants are booked up and seem to have a set menu. Would you rather go out on the day, or shall we treat the another day that week as Valentine's day and I'll use the money I've saved to buy you some little goodies.
At this point I ask, 'What sort of little goodies?' By this time I'm sold on the idea.
Maybe not. I supposed this is really for couples who are married and living together and have a joint budget.
The trouble is once you've offered the little goodies, if I opt for the real day, I'm still hoping for the goodies. You could say, 'Would you rather have dinner and a rose on Tuesday? Or dinner on Wednesday - and with what I've saved I can afford whole bunch of roses.
Of course, I may suspect you are two-timing and taking somebody else out on the day, giving me second choice date. Or you say: 'I'm busy at work on Tuesday, (or whatever day it is). I'll send you a card/email on Tuesday, and I can take you out to dinner Thursday, or Friday, whichever you prefer.'
Look here, let's get to the point. I'm a romantic looking for a romantic. If anybody wants to take me out to a champagne dinner and give me a card and a rose, (and if you are feeling generous and hoping to get lucky, a sterling silver charm bracelet at under a tenner from any chain store jeweller in the UK, or any shopping mall cart basement level in the Far East, or any airport duty free rack) any day of the year is fine by me.
Maybe what I need is a rich submissive. Then I needn't wait. I can tell him what to do for me next Valentine's Day. Or any day next week. Any offers?
Friday, December 21, 2007
Sharing Fanatasies
I have a fantasy involving a school. But I ran into a problem with a man who experienced something similar in real life. Unfortunately my fantasy simply reminds him of an unpleasant and in his words 'violent' experience.
He does not enjoy the image of the people or place involved. The memories evoked are a distraction from an erotic image or conversation.
So how can I adapt my fantasy to suit him?
Changed Fantasy
I've thought of a few ideas. A runaway caught on train. Summerhouse in woods.
I also have my limits. Anything too violent or dangerous or involving too much in the way of restraint evokes images of sickness and misery and real life danger, whether medieval or modern.
That sends me into flight mode. I don't stay in a story about submitting to a superior being. I'm imagining a scene about a prisoner trying to escape. I'm into 'How do I get out of here? Away from this person?'
Or I'm moved into nurse mode - planning taking precautions like a health and safety inspector. Or protective mother role, like I would be with my children, or a younger gay person going out to a bar: 'Be careful dear. Mind how your cross the road. Don't let any stranger hurt you or imprison you.'
A fantasy or role play involving certain images won't turn me on. To me it is boring. Not erotic.
Everyday Distraction
And using my household equipment such as dining chairs, dining tables and sofas doesn't appeal to me either. With a dining chair I would be totally distracted by worries about breaking the chair. Or falling and hurting myself.
With a living room chair I'd be concerned about spoiling the upholstery with body fluids. And damaging the furniture's fabric and wood or leather with a cane.
Even thinking about it now, you see, my mind is wandering off the erotic fantasy into this practical distraction.
Your Responsibility
Have you had a problem where your fantasy evoked the wrong images for the other person?
That's why I never feel that the 'you must do anything I say' scenario would ever work for me. I do not feel it is fair to say that to any partner, even and especially when dealing with a submissive.
Limits
How do you get a person to go along with an erotic conversation, meeting or relationship? A scene has to be fun for both parties.
When dealing with a stranger, you don't know their limits. Everybody has things they don't enjoy. If you meet a barrier in their brain, first you have to find the elements they don't like and remove them.
Then find the elements they do like. Move the elements and the listener into a new scenario. For variety. Or surprise.
Surely what you want outside a scene is for the other person in real life to smile whenever they see you?
Depression
You don't want the other person to be depressed or even suicidal. A woman who is severely submissive and keen to do anything you want might have serious abuse in her history or have been raped and you risk triggering off alarm bells.
One of my readers says in his profile that he is on anti-depressants. He also says he wants role play as a catharsis. I start trying to analyze what makes him tick. The solution to his problems in one scene, and the whole of his life.
Sometimes the onlooker sees most of the game. The dominant or in charge partner may have to be like a real life doctor or headmaster, looking after the psychology of the person in their care.
Controlling, caring, healing
Your mind and hands can heal.
Programming
You must also ask yourself how you are programming the other person. If you are with another person 24/7 you could persuade them to never act in the same way with anybody else.
But if you are persuading a person to do anything you say, you are exposing them to danger when they deal with other people from this site and in the outside world.
You could be healing them. Sending them out confident and happy.
Teamwork and Adapting
Especially when dealing with switches and submissives, you have to be able to come out of a scene. That includes when it simply isn't working for the other person.
Looking at what I've written, so far I've been too negative. Maybe I just need a glass of water. Perhaps I need to use positive words.
I have to work on myself the writer. Also on the reader. First please myself, re-reading what I've written and feeling good about it. Then making you happy and confident.
This is the trick. To look for all the things which are good. Fun. Things which make the other person say, 'Hm - that sounds fun!'
Which implements or toys excite them? Where were their worst and best experiences? The most erotic? What have they not tried? What would they like to try?
Profile Clues
It's all there in the profile. So all I need to do is read the profile, and put their favourite elements into a fantasy. It's so simple, I can't think why I've never tried that before.
But do they really want those listed elements in a whispered fantasy? Oddly enough, I've read lots of profiles in which people say that their fantasies are waterfalls and alleyways but I've never had a phone fantasy about these.
Maybe it's because I stop anybody with a sordid scenario.
Why haven't I met enough romantics for waterfall fantasies? Or are there not enough people who have actually had romantic encounters at waterfalls?
People honeymoon at Niagara. But mostly you are fully clothed or even in protective clothing, surrounded by crowds of people, being moved on by others with cameras.
Control in Conversation
If you don't have the profile fantasy in front of you on the computer screen when you talk on the phone, or read it before going to a meeting, or written up on a card index card you can read at home, or on the train, then what?
Just ask. Who, what, when, where and why. Who are the two characters? 'What are your favourite props?' What is he wearing? What is she wearing? Is it the past or present or future? Should I outline the story passively, or actively? Shall I describe it or act it out? Reported speech or direct speech?
Creating and adapting a fantasy is a test of your control over your life, life in general, their life, their fantasy, their relationship with you.
Your Fun Feedback and Clever Comments
You may have seen plays in which a woman's visiting lover turns out to be her husband. Or the master and servant swap roles. Or the judge and prisoner. Or the queen and the prostitute. The man and the woman. The husband and wife.
So, over to you. Any comments how to adapt my original scene? Or problems you've had? Did you resolve them? Had any good or bad or changed fantasies for phone sex? And whispered stories for mutual exctiement? And acting out fantasies in role play when together?
He does not enjoy the image of the people or place involved. The memories evoked are a distraction from an erotic image or conversation.
So how can I adapt my fantasy to suit him?
Changed Fantasy
I've thought of a few ideas. A runaway caught on train. Summerhouse in woods.
I also have my limits. Anything too violent or dangerous or involving too much in the way of restraint evokes images of sickness and misery and real life danger, whether medieval or modern.
That sends me into flight mode. I don't stay in a story about submitting to a superior being. I'm imagining a scene about a prisoner trying to escape. I'm into 'How do I get out of here? Away from this person?'
Or I'm moved into nurse mode - planning taking precautions like a health and safety inspector. Or protective mother role, like I would be with my children, or a younger gay person going out to a bar: 'Be careful dear. Mind how your cross the road. Don't let any stranger hurt you or imprison you.'
A fantasy or role play involving certain images won't turn me on. To me it is boring. Not erotic.
Everyday Distraction
And using my household equipment such as dining chairs, dining tables and sofas doesn't appeal to me either. With a dining chair I would be totally distracted by worries about breaking the chair. Or falling and hurting myself.
With a living room chair I'd be concerned about spoiling the upholstery with body fluids. And damaging the furniture's fabric and wood or leather with a cane.
Even thinking about it now, you see, my mind is wandering off the erotic fantasy into this practical distraction.
Your Responsibility
Have you had a problem where your fantasy evoked the wrong images for the other person?
That's why I never feel that the 'you must do anything I say' scenario would ever work for me. I do not feel it is fair to say that to any partner, even and especially when dealing with a submissive.
Limits
How do you get a person to go along with an erotic conversation, meeting or relationship? A scene has to be fun for both parties.
When dealing with a stranger, you don't know their limits. Everybody has things they don't enjoy. If you meet a barrier in their brain, first you have to find the elements they don't like and remove them.
Then find the elements they do like. Move the elements and the listener into a new scenario. For variety. Or surprise.
Surely what you want outside a scene is for the other person in real life to smile whenever they see you?
Depression
You don't want the other person to be depressed or even suicidal. A woman who is severely submissive and keen to do anything you want might have serious abuse in her history or have been raped and you risk triggering off alarm bells.
One of my readers says in his profile that he is on anti-depressants. He also says he wants role play as a catharsis. I start trying to analyze what makes him tick. The solution to his problems in one scene, and the whole of his life.
Sometimes the onlooker sees most of the game. The dominant or in charge partner may have to be like a real life doctor or headmaster, looking after the psychology of the person in their care.
Controlling, caring, healing
Your mind and hands can heal.
Programming
You must also ask yourself how you are programming the other person. If you are with another person 24/7 you could persuade them to never act in the same way with anybody else.
But if you are persuading a person to do anything you say, you are exposing them to danger when they deal with other people from this site and in the outside world.
You could be healing them. Sending them out confident and happy.
Teamwork and Adapting
Especially when dealing with switches and submissives, you have to be able to come out of a scene. That includes when it simply isn't working for the other person.
Looking at what I've written, so far I've been too negative. Maybe I just need a glass of water. Perhaps I need to use positive words.
I have to work on myself the writer. Also on the reader. First please myself, re-reading what I've written and feeling good about it. Then making you happy and confident.
This is the trick. To look for all the things which are good. Fun. Things which make the other person say, 'Hm - that sounds fun!'
Which implements or toys excite them? Where were their worst and best experiences? The most erotic? What have they not tried? What would they like to try?
Profile Clues
It's all there in the profile. So all I need to do is read the profile, and put their favourite elements into a fantasy. It's so simple, I can't think why I've never tried that before.
But do they really want those listed elements in a whispered fantasy? Oddly enough, I've read lots of profiles in which people say that their fantasies are waterfalls and alleyways but I've never had a phone fantasy about these.
Maybe it's because I stop anybody with a sordid scenario.
Why haven't I met enough romantics for waterfall fantasies? Or are there not enough people who have actually had romantic encounters at waterfalls?
People honeymoon at Niagara. But mostly you are fully clothed or even in protective clothing, surrounded by crowds of people, being moved on by others with cameras.
Control in Conversation
If you don't have the profile fantasy in front of you on the computer screen when you talk on the phone, or read it before going to a meeting, or written up on a card index card you can read at home, or on the train, then what?
Just ask. Who, what, when, where and why. Who are the two characters? 'What are your favourite props?' What is he wearing? What is she wearing? Is it the past or present or future? Should I outline the story passively, or actively? Shall I describe it or act it out? Reported speech or direct speech?
Creating and adapting a fantasy is a test of your control over your life, life in general, their life, their fantasy, their relationship with you.
Your Fun Feedback and Clever Comments
You may have seen plays in which a woman's visiting lover turns out to be her husband. Or the master and servant swap roles. Or the judge and prisoner. Or the queen and the prostitute. The man and the woman. The husband and wife.
So, over to you. Any comments how to adapt my original scene? Or problems you've had? Did you resolve them? Had any good or bad or changed fantasies for phone sex? And whispered stories for mutual exctiement? And acting out fantasies in role play when together?
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Cancelled Coffee
A girl complained that a man arranged to meet her for coffee and then cancelled.
My view is that if all he had offered her was coffee he was not that interested. Especially on a first date.
Inviting a woman for coffee just to have a look - there's a hig chance that one party will walk out. They are not that committed.
But she had been seeing him for a fortnight and he could not afford dinner every night.
Did he regard meeting his male friends as more important than with her?
Most advisers would say she should make it clear she does not like having her evenings cancelled.
But what if he is unwilling to commit. Because he has another tentative arrangement and doesn't want to risk disappointing her?
If he tells her this from the start, that he has a prior engagement which might fall through, and ask if she is willing to make a last mintue arrangement.
I think meeting for a coffee is always likely to be cancelled and should only be arranged at the last minute. If you book an evening for dinner or to see a film you have to book with the restaurant or film company and will lose your money or your ability to get them to accept bookings in future.
Dates are the same. Arrange to do something serious and you are more likely to take the whole arrangement seriously.
My view is that if all he had offered her was coffee he was not that interested. Especially on a first date.
Inviting a woman for coffee just to have a look - there's a hig chance that one party will walk out. They are not that committed.
But she had been seeing him for a fortnight and he could not afford dinner every night.
Did he regard meeting his male friends as more important than with her?
Most advisers would say she should make it clear she does not like having her evenings cancelled.
But what if he is unwilling to commit. Because he has another tentative arrangement and doesn't want to risk disappointing her?
If he tells her this from the start, that he has a prior engagement which might fall through, and ask if she is willing to make a last mintue arrangement.
I think meeting for a coffee is always likely to be cancelled and should only be arranged at the last minute. If you book an evening for dinner or to see a film you have to book with the restaurant or film company and will lose your money or your ability to get them to accept bookings in future.
Dates are the same. Arrange to do something serious and you are more likely to take the whole arrangement seriously.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Thinking Positively About Daily Troubles
Thinking Positively About Daily Troubles
I've read two blogs by somebody else and enjoyed them and here is my two cents worth. One email complains that he will never get together with a long-distance emailing lady, then the next complains about a series of work-related problems, starting with a flat battery, and his being cross becase mother his mother says I warned you to get a service - I told you so.
First he is sighing because he has a great email relationship with somebody who lives too far away.
1 A really good emailing relationship is a treasure. Much better than one liners, insults, people you don't have anything in common with. You've found a soulmate. Lovely.
2 If you met too soon, you might lose that.
3 To be sure you like the look of each other you need to go on cam and speak.
You should be looking nearer home for something long-term.
Now, his second blog. He's had a bad day. This is where his email lady comes in. She's his confidante. I told him:
She's your support for when you've had a hard day. Unlike your mother, your email friend doesn't need to get so anxious because she's not too close, physically or mentally. And that's partly why you like her, because she's calm and supportive.
Regarding his mother, I have to say she was right, that a stitch in time saves nine. Getting a car or truck serviced is not superstition, it's common sense. If you have a mother who cares. That's lovely.
Some people like me don't have a mother. Mine died.
Just hold onto that thought. There are irritations in life and there are tragedies. Enjoy life and think of the irritations as learning experiences. Don't look at the minuses, look at the pluses.
They say that if you want a friend you have to be a friend. If a man is missing a long term partner, maybe he has to think about committing, or being the strong, confident, happy person who a woman feels she can rely on to support her through life's troubles.
And instead of getting angry at mother, he should have told her how much he appreciates her advice, and how he should have listened to her because she is always right.
Poor mother. She tried to help him. All he did was get irritated. She cares for him.
I don't even know him and I care for him and his mother. I'm looking at his life and mine and thinking what lessons I can learn.
I know what I want most from life. A man who is calm and supportive in one's daily troubles. Can I be the same for him? I will try.
I've read two blogs by somebody else and enjoyed them and here is my two cents worth. One email complains that he will never get together with a long-distance emailing lady, then the next complains about a series of work-related problems, starting with a flat battery, and his being cross becase mother his mother says I warned you to get a service - I told you so.
First he is sighing because he has a great email relationship with somebody who lives too far away.
1 A really good emailing relationship is a treasure. Much better than one liners, insults, people you don't have anything in common with. You've found a soulmate. Lovely.
2 If you met too soon, you might lose that.
3 To be sure you like the look of each other you need to go on cam and speak.
You should be looking nearer home for something long-term.
Now, his second blog. He's had a bad day. This is where his email lady comes in. She's his confidante. I told him:
She's your support for when you've had a hard day. Unlike your mother, your email friend doesn't need to get so anxious because she's not too close, physically or mentally. And that's partly why you like her, because she's calm and supportive.
Regarding his mother, I have to say she was right, that a stitch in time saves nine. Getting a car or truck serviced is not superstition, it's common sense. If you have a mother who cares. That's lovely.
Some people like me don't have a mother. Mine died.
Just hold onto that thought. There are irritations in life and there are tragedies. Enjoy life and think of the irritations as learning experiences. Don't look at the minuses, look at the pluses.
They say that if you want a friend you have to be a friend. If a man is missing a long term partner, maybe he has to think about committing, or being the strong, confident, happy person who a woman feels she can rely on to support her through life's troubles.
And instead of getting angry at mother, he should have told her how much he appreciates her advice, and how he should have listened to her because she is always right.
Poor mother. She tried to help him. All he did was get irritated. She cares for him.
I don't even know him and I care for him and his mother. I'm looking at his life and mine and thinking what lessons I can learn.
I know what I want most from life. A man who is calm and supportive in one's daily troubles. Can I be the same for him? I will try.
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