SUCCESS ON DATES Going Dutch? - You Must Be Joking

Dear Friend(s)

Social dates between two singles, two couples, or two people in business have to sort out the question of who pays for dinner. What should be an evening of interesting conversation is often filled with anxiety if one person cannot afford to pay for everybody or does not wish to. It's a pity to be ordering the cheapest item off the menu and then to find that the other person is on expenses. But equally, it's upsetting if you are paying the bill and eating carefully and others are ordering expensively. How much easier if we could all be honest from the start.

Dating newsletters advice women to insist that he pays, whilst others advice him to let her pay her share. They claim that this sets the tone for the relationship. Obviously the female writer wants the women to be in control.

The male writer wants the man to be in control - yet advises him to give her control of half spending. He thinks that rushing to pay the bill looks like you are trying too hard. Depends how you do it. You can pay the bill like a servant. Or you can pay the bill as if you are the boss.

An old proverb goes: 'He who pays the piper calls the tune.'

Money affects everything. We reward with money. We use money to get things started and improve them. Money is the motivation. Most people spend most of their day working to earn money.

Firstly, who pays for the date? I'll shortly go further into the economics of dating. But let's just look at the economics of the whole dating scene especially pairing people up. Most online sites are commercial and not a charity.

Secondly, war. Most countries go to war for economic reasons. Look at the news. Don't gasp with horror at the idea.

Thirdly, charity. A charity asks for money. A charity can send money. Or goods. Or workers with time and expertise.

Money is a way of exchanging time and goods. Better than mere promises. More easily counted than bits of beach shell. Personally I think we should have stuck to the gold standard.

DATING GOODWILL & COURTING
After profiles, emails and dates express goodwill to the potential partner in several ways:

a) The man and woman send good wishes to create goodwill;
b) Promises (NSA or conditional) about how they would like the relationship to progress;
c) Praise;
d) Gifts (eg offers of drinks and dinner) No Strings Attached;
e) Gifts (eg offers of drinks and dinner) in expectation of getting something back.

IN-UN-DATED WITH ADVICE?
Have you signed up for any of the dating advice newsletters? I am receiving half a dozen.

INUN-DATED by DATING NEWLETTERS
Not only dating newsletters. They are part of a wide trend. I am getting the same number of newsletters on health, lifecoaching / NLP / positive thinking / goal setting, business management, online marketing, property investment, public speaking and novel writing. (Also a few on playing the guitar and speaking Spanish.)

The latest ploy is to make you sign up for half a dozen other newsletters in the first email from the first newsletter. So 'John SuperSmith' is doing cross-marketing with 'Peter Never-Blue', 'Sue SuperSmith' and 'Ann Never-Blue' and 'John-and-Ann'.

DATING LETTER CONTRADICTIONS
Then you find that John and Ann are contradicting each other. John is selling machines for chopping fresh food whilst Ann is selling supplements in pill form.

Dating advice newsletters, even those doing cross-marketing, seem to contradict each other. The female writer tells women, always let him pay, so he feels like a man. Because men and women are built like this. She will only respect him if he is in charge.

But the male writer is advising men, go Dutch. Because if he is paying she thinks he is a wimp, a weakling (Americanism wuss).

In my opinion it might be different for twenty-year-olds in America. But I don't think it applies to the 45 and over age group in the UK. Nor does it apply in the Far East.I go with the newsletters aimed at the ladies. The average women wants a protector. Me Tarzan you Jane. If you like to express it in these terms, him dom her sub.

Conventionally he is taller and slightly older. You might vary these. But often you compensate with something else. For example, if he is smaller, or much younger, or much older, he wants to show he is richer than her to impress her.

On a first date that's how way it works on an obvious level. By the time they are into a long-term relationship he no longer says, 'Wow, she is blonde,' (or redhead) and she no longer thinks, 'Wow, he is rich!' Sex and money are part of the overall picture.

LADIES - FORGET THE ONE-DATE DATE
Especially on dating sites. One of the newsletters aimed at women looking for a LTR or marriage partner warns women to avoid the one date wonder. The man who buys you one meal and disappears if you don't sleep with him at first meeting. The same date.

Or expects the second date to be a sex session at your place or his. Quit worrying.

SINGLES
Single women need faithful men who will look after the kids. And bring in income. If the wife has three children and stays at home or gets some condition which requires her to lie down for weeks to avoid miscarriage.

Some children need looking after, funding, to the age of 30. Or beyond. If they are feckless. Or handicapped. Or dim. Or pursing a low-paid career. Or unlucky.

DIVORCED
I think divorced people are often on the rebound. The man is too anxious to avoid giving a penny to any woman, especially not to encourage what he perceives as a gold-digger.

But if he expects sex and no friendship, won't discuss hobbies, nor say what he is doing for a living - what does he think she is doing for a living which leaves her free to see him day, evening and weekends?

With ten men to every woman on dating sites?
Why are there ten men to every woman? One of these reasons:
Men are earning more money. So if he wants to date at fast food outlets, he can go Dutch. If he wants a romantic dinner he'll have to be prepared to spend money.

WOMEN DO PAY FOR DATES
Women pay by dressing well. Often a man pays for dinner but that's the total of his expense and time. His idea of getting ready is a shower and a change of shirt.

Glamour costs women money. I once spent more than £300 (600 US dollars) on getting myself glamorous to meet a man who had advertised in an upmarket newspaper. The breakdown was:£5 on advertisement and postage and photos.I went into a shop to look at a coat in the window. He wanted a glamorous woman.

I spent £200 on new coat. £100 on new outfit. It went with the coat. £45 on matching underwear. Bra straps to match top.

£10 on new tights. A pair plus a spare for my handbag in case the first pair laddered on the journey. Good thinking. First pair laddered as I put them on with my sharp nails.

£60 on new shoes. High heels to mach outfit. He was tall.

£20 on manicure. £45 on hair tint, cut and blow-dry.

£6 on return train ticket to central London.£10 on taxi to hotel because train was late.

Have you priced those lingerie outfits? A man goes on line showing himself dressed in a tee-shirt. Cost £5-15. Or naked. He then picks a woman wearing an outfit which cost anywhere from £55 (if all bought at bargain prices) - much more money if the woman's outfit is colour co-ordinated - easily up to £200. Just try the sales catalogues on line.

He then looks surprised if she is not excited by the offer of a 99p cup of coffee in a pub. Or his offer to buy her a drink.

If she goes into a pub dressed like that somebody else will offer her a drink. Three guys will offer her a drink before she finds you. By this time she will feel that every man in Britain just wants to sleep with her and she will be in the mood, "Don't touch me!"

At a smart restaurant she is sitting with you, looking at you, and you have no rivals.

MR DEBONAIR WINS
So who does win the girl? Mr Debonair. The man with no money worries. Mr Debonair for Miss Deb On Air.

Not the man who tells her on the first date how much his divorce cost, how he was left homeless. How he is only just getting back his finance.She starts wondering about refusing the second drink he offers. Surely he can't afford it?You can talk about your past money troubles. But you have to be very careful to convey the fact that you are over the hump. That good times are ahead. That finances are in control. Frankly, your date is more confident if you don't mention money.

A man can direct the date. Select the cheapest starter, and say you really enjoy soup. Say you prefer single espresso because double keeps you awake. She will probably be persuaded to follow your reasoning.

FEMALE FINANCES
The woman can be in one of these positions:

Bored housewife - wants outings and no phone calls on family bill.Husband keeps her short so she wants a good time and glamour.

Divorcee - short of money.
Poor divorcee - still looking after children and worried - doesn't want to double her worries, wants to halve them.
Rich divorcee - lots of money but no pension and like the divorced man doesn't want an impecunious new spouse living off her dwindling savings.

Poor lonely widow - could be short of cash and affection - never goes out and wants a treat.

Separated - in limbo. Could lose finances when husband divorces. Does not want indiscreet. Wants a replacement husband, DIY, chauffeur, entertainer and admirer as well as lover.

Rich widow - wants to avoid poor conmen.

1 Bored housewife. At home. No income. If she's bored her husband is probably sleeping with and funding another woman. Keeping his wife short. She doesn't want another 'mean' man who makes her feel second best. She wants a man who is generous and rewards her with gifts and attention.

If she accommodates a visiting lover, she may feel guilty. Or constantly be listening for the doorkey.

Some men like the excitement of risking being found out. I think most men don't. I think most women don't. That's why we see the words 'discreet' everywhere.

Her husband who is paying the bills won't be happy to find that he's paying for a home where she's entertaining another man. Husband could come back unexpectedly. So a bored housewife really wants a man who can take her to a hotel.

A man tried to tell me that a husband never comes back unexpectedly. He always gives you an hour's warning. Our date was over then. I rated him as totally unrealistic. He wanted the world to operate the way that suited him. He expected a married woman's husband to act so as not to inconvenience a man the husband did not know about.

Large numbers of people are in prison because a spouse came home unexpectedly. Nobody ever thought it would happen. On a hundred occasions it didn't. Then one day the husband left work early. Maybe he phoned - but the wife had the phone off the hook. By accident. Or because she was in bed with 'Charlie'. Or hubbie dashed home because he'd run short of cash. Or forgotten his credit card. Or needed his bike. Or rain stopped the football match. Or he was driving that way. Or wanted to surprise her with flowers. Whatever. Maybe his mobile phone died so he couldn't phone.Spouses and children and relatives with keys are not obliged to phone before entering the house.

DATING SUCCESS DEPENDS ON
Another newsletter said the obvious but was so helpful. It said that a person often stops after the first date not because the women wasn't good enough but because the man felt he wasn't good enough.

That explains my lovely farmer in the pink, shirt, tall, dark and smiling. My glamorous clothes and smart restaurant did not impress him. It wasn't just that I was picked a place that was too expensive.

While I was trying to tell him what a kir was, hoping he'd be pleased to know, he just felt I was putting him down and he couldn't keep up. So I was thinking of myself. I was wondering am I too old and too overweight, while I should have been assuring him that I admired his ability to milk cows.

Similarly, but the reverse of the coin, a date went wrong for me in central London. Rich and educated man. We got on so well. But while I was trying hard to impress, he told me, 'we're looking for different things'.

For a week after he emailed me and asked me to ring him. I could not understand why he still wanted to be in touch. I just felt crushed. I had felt I had everything for him. I was cultured and kind. He was a magistrate and demanded honesty. But I wasn't prepared to tell him all about myself on that date. He'd just told me I was an amusing friend but not a girlfriend.

He had not made me feel good about myself.Yes, I want to be thought of as young-looking and sexy. But like Marilyn Monroe to be told you are sexy when you are looking for love just makes you feel unervalued.

One man said to me that it was shallow to be interested in money. Bills have to be paid. I'd rather spend my days writing books and teaching and leave finance to a man whose entrepreneurial skills are greater than mine.

Most men are predominantly science and finance orientated. You are very lucky to get a good all rounder. I want teh company of a friend as a replacement for my husband. He is an all rounder. But for me he seems too much of a control freak, not enough of an indulgent and encouraging nurturer.

Now I can see how to change my behaviour on a first date. One important man in my life send me presents through the post. He confessed that he is overweight. I laughed. I like overweight men. I am overweight too and want to lose weight.

That newsletter was a blinding flash. When meeing somebody new I must make him feel good, not try to impress him with my superiority. But not being too obviously desperate to please.

I remember going for a job I really wanted with Michelin books. My dream job. They rejected me. I had tried so hard.

When I asked why I'd been rejected, they told me I was over-qualified.

Time to quit worrying. Go with the flow. I've waited so long to meet a friend I've been talking to on the phone for ages. As some of the newsletters say, 'just think of it as a learning experience. Have a lovely evening.'

I am looking forward to my date. Hope you have a great weekend too.

CALL INTERRUPTED - WHY & HOW TO REACT CALMLY

CALL INTERRUPTED

Daytime Calls

The best time to call me most days is in the evening. I don't mind a first call in the day if the other person stays calm and confident. People work in the day and have callers.

The best time to call me for a long chat is in the evening. If I've gone out to dinner or to a meeting I like to chat after I've got back.

During the day I'm mostly talking to business people about mundane things. Or on the phone likewise.

Even in the evening I may be multi-tasking. But somebody who keeps me on the phone over an hour must be prepared for me to be multi-tasking and answering other calls.

Why should I cancel an evening out to talk to somebody on the phone? Why should I tie up my entire evening talking or typing to a man who has no intention of seeing me this week?

However charming he is, however much I fancy him, whether it's a first phone call or he's taking up my time three times a week, I'm going to interrupt my call or cut it short for Mr Average or Mr local, or Mr willing to take a six hour round trip drive to see me, if he is on the phone or likely to phone asking to meet me tonight, tomorrow lunch, dinner in two days time, or next weekend?

CALL INTERRUPTED

Some people are very possessive. The get angry if you want to end a call.

But they also get upset if you keep talking until you are interrupted. Even if you tell them the reason. In advance. And they believe it.

IM Interruptions

I had one man B who interrupted my long IM typing to a closer friend A. I left A for a moment to answer B. Then went back to A to explain I had another pop-up window. When I went back to A I got an upset angry message.

You may recognize this sort of message. It's the kind I've had before once in a while. They rant: 'That's what you think of me. I can take a hint. Am I so awful ... ? I won't waste any more of my time and yours ... Thanks for nothing.'

What's the point of that? Firstly, he's now upset me so I won't come back. I don't want drama kings.

I want calm, kind, sophisticated, confident, nurturing optimists.

He should assume that I like him as we have talked before. He should assume and programme me to agree that I would have talked to him if some other priority or emergency had not come up.

If the line goes dead it could mean that my laptop has fallen off the slide-out drawer. That my cable has pulled out of the wall.

That a spider appeared beside my desk! That a wasp flew through the window and is dive-bombing me.

That the postman called with a letter to be to be signed for. Or a parcel was delivered. I had to reach the door to answer before they left and drove off.

That something on the stove suddenly boiled over. Making a mess, wasting my food. Risking starting a fire - and I had to attend to it.

That my elderly aunt has just died. I've an incoming call from the hospital. I can't break off or I'll ring back and find they've gone or the switchboard can't tell me who called. Or her distraught daughter, my cousin, wanting to tell me what happened and aunty's last words. And when the funeral will be. She's dictating an address. I can't break off instantly. It would be heartless. Impractical.

I might not want to burden a stranger or a friend with all these trivial domestic details. Or the ins and outs of postmen and meter readers. Revealing my minor problems which might make me sound incompetent. Depressing family news should not be inflicted on some stranger who is ringing up to get away from their own problems.

The confident person always assumes that if you were friendly before you will be again. How do you know there is not an emergency? One of my friends was an the phone to somebody and the line went dead.

The other person had had an epileptic fit. Would they have been thrilled to come round and find their caller was not making polite enquiries as to whether anything was wrong and could they help, but adding to the stress and embarrassment by sending four-letter word messages?

THE BOOKING CALL

Some people won't talk to you unless it's a long time. They get miffed. They retort, 'Wait until you can spare me some time'.

And if it's a close family member or friend or business call why should somebody who has never met you think they should take priority?

It's only logical to give greater priority to a person who pays you a salary, pays your bills, sees you daily or weekly or regularly, rather than some total stranger who has never met you and might never meet you.

I like a confident person capable of leaving a sensible message on an answering machine.

If our call is interrupted or you get an answering machine you should have the wit to make a polite and cheerful reply. How do you operate at work and with the family?

If the time is not mutually convenient we could happily have a brief call daytime to fix a longer evening call.

Then in the evening I hope to give my new friend or potential date the attention he deserve in the evening.

I think warmth comes from tone of voice.

Yes, the emails and phone calls are tests of how the person will behave in a crisis. Will they add to the confusion and anxiety by being angry? Or will they stay calm and help and sympathise if you have a disaster? Will they find practical solutions? Will they be, as Diana described it, 'a rock'?

Do I want to be in business with this person, in a long-term relationship with them? Which man would you choose? That's how you judge others.

Now consider how they judge you. How do you react on the phone? The merely practical thing is to say: 'The line went dead. It wasn't my end. Do you think it was yours?'

The man (or woman) who is in absolute charge of his life and yours and the relationship, delivers cheerful messages with slight implied put-downs, but clearly carrying on the relationship in a stronger fashion, taking even greater control of you, the situation and the relationship.

What do you think?

Should the man or the woman make the call?

SHOULD THE MAN OR WOMAN MAKE THE CALL?

The balance of opinion from experts seems to be that the man should do the running and make the calls.

Yet my experience in business and social life and the internet is that if you sat around all day waiting for business contact and Mr Right

to find you, you will spend a lot of time working alone. If you make a few moves, you get action.

For the first few hours day or week, I'll wait to established that my man is willing to take calls during the busy working day. I want to be sure he is always glad to hear from me. That he is never embarrassed to admit to family and friends that I'm calling.

Once a relationship is established I'd like a man I could call with phone calls yo-yoing throughout the day and evening and weekend. A friend.

Unless one of us is overseas. Basically, if a close friend calls, you reply immediately. Unless you are somewhere like on a riverboat or in a tunnel or a conference meeting where it's hard to reply.

I like precise proactive positive and polite language. After the people making sleezy cam calls Video Call sounds so much more businesslike and practical.

One man referred to preferring to 'talk rather than type'. What a great phrase. It is agreeably alliterative. (I was evaluating speeches last night.)

How To Be LikeThe Ideal Parent, Boss, Head Teacher, Spouse, Lover or Boyfriend

How To Be Like The Ideal Parent, Boss, Head Teacher or Lover or Boyfriend Controlling A Relationship

by Angela Lansbury

I fondly remember being in a decade-long relationship with a man who is alas now no longer around. I gleefully recall how he dealt with a situation where the telephone line went dead. I had allowed a discussion about a third party who had insulted one of us to the other to get out of hand.

I got annoyed with my friend who I thought was at fault. (Of course it was the third party's fault. We should have been a team against outside attack. Not siding with the enemy from without. Two against one. One of us with a stranger? No.)

The tension was too much for me to tolerate. I got so cross that I put the phone down.

I stared miserably at the phone. I had just ended a relationship of years. Over what? Something which could be forgotten tomorrow, or in a month's time. Probably a misunderstand. And where had he illwill started? Not from us. From an outsider who criticised one of us.

I had ruined everything. I did not see how I could retrieve the situation. Apologise? Risk getting rejected? Feel even worse?

But Mr Wonderful was totally in charge. The phone went again. He didn't make a drama. He was funny. He blamed me - but only for inattention. He assumed I simply had unshakeable goodwill towards him.

He didn't start again. He carried on from where we'd left off. "As I was saying, before we got interrupted - you got so excited you dropped the phone. Now listen to me, darling. This is what WE are going to do about it ..."

How could you or I or anybody else assume the control which he did?

As a parent of a child twenty year younger than yourself, you know you have an ongoing and probably lifelong relationship. You know you are in charge. It is up to you to not make a fuss about little things. To stop tantrums and arguments. To remain calm if the other partner makes a mistake. To restore goodwill if the other person loses their cool and move on without recriminations.

A headmistress (or master) is in the same position as mother (or father). She has a pupil for several years, and will be available out of hours, after school, in the evening, when on holiday if there’s a crisis, possibly for life. She I expected to keep calm and not get in a shouting match even if the other person starts it.

She may devote a long period to listen to somebody and their problems. But if necessary, she must break off to deal with her other responsibilities, and as a responsible person she has many, whilst assuring the child or adult needing help that she will come back to them.

How do I decide what to do? I think of myself as that responsible headmistress or parent. If your mother or father lost their temper, got upset, hostile, had rows, stopped speaking, was hurtful, or didn’t treat you in the way you would like to follow, then focus on your ideal parent. The one you would like to have had. How would the ideal mother or father deal with this situation? Do what they would do, and you will be calm, confident in charge, and have an unshakable relationship with some who will be devoted to you and trust you and admire.

Copyright Angela Lansbury

What Are You Looking For?

I'm looking for a man who won't ask this no-win question. I want him to tell me that I'm what he's looking for.
Maybe I should grin and tease, A man just like you - but more so!)

BEING TOO HONEST
Otherwise, whatever you say, he's likely to reply, 'We're looking for different things.'

How do you make it clear what you want or don't want whilst still sounding polite, friendly and welcoming?

How do you find out what the other person wants? Surely most men want instant free sex?

Whilst most women want to get married.

If either says that in a profile, on a first phone call, or before dessert on a date, the other party will be horrified, feel pressurised, and run away!

PROFILES
Surely you can tell from the profile? I am often told my perfect matches. I read thirty profiles. Twenty eight say, I just want NSA fun. I just shrug and click on.

I can't provide NSA fun to thirty men a day. I know every man in he UK, in the world, certainly on this site, wants NSA fun. That doesn't tell me anything interesting.

Any woman who had been on a dating site over a month will have had too many offers of instant sex. Admittedly women who are on the rebound and have just joined may be into that.

But they are soon overwhelmed with fly by night men, so many you can't remember one from another.

Any man who actually says what he does for a living, and s proud of his success, or what his hobbies are, immediately stands out.

The opposite platitudes are just as indistinguishable. Lonely widowers in outer islands who like walking hand in hand on the beach. (Is there somebody who doesn't?)

People looking for 'a good woman'. Does that mean: Cooks, cleans, barefoot and pregnant and down on the farm. I met a farmer. He thought I was too sophisticated.
I suppose that makes a change from the majority looking for a bad woman.

And people who tell you that they are normal or average. Nothing more exciting than a person who tells you they are average.

(They must mean they like football. So which football team do they support? Come on, out with it!)

That's marginally better than saying I'm not a maniac. Which puts into your head the idea that they might be.

HUMOUR ME
Do I presume that guys who say, 'I am a maniac' are maniacs?
Presumably some of them are guys who think they have a sense of humour.
They think that you will presume that all guys who say they are maniacs simply have a sense of humour.

Does that mean that guys who say they are normal are maniacs - with no sense of humour?

But I see some men try to have it both ways. They say either:

a) I'm looking for instant sex - but if Miss Right turned up I'd be delighted.
or

b) I'm looking for a soulmate.
But I wouldn't say no to a bit of fun.

Hm. What does that mean? That if I find my soulmate he's actually running around when I'm not looking? Or that he'll settle down.

BOYS & MEN
Yes, I know boys will be boys. ...
Don't they ever turn into men? Clothed men?
All those naked pictures. What do I think of? Chasing after a toddler trying to persuade him to grow up and put his clothes on so we can go out!

GO WITH THE FLOW
But all this 'let's go with the flow - see what happens' stuff can sound rather wishy washy, or furtive to a woman.

Or like there's a hidden agenda. A man who wants to offer me 'a few drinks - and see where it goes!' Sounds like he's trying to get me drunk.

I have visions of the sort of an unscrupulous man who is slipping drugs into drinks, or worse. I am suspicious.

But I might not voice these thoughts. I simply politely decline, 'No thanks. I already have an invitation to dinner.'

Warm Frank Extraverts And Cool Secretive Introverts

Warm Frank Extraverts And Cool Secretive Introverts

Cool people and warm people

Extraverts are often warm people. Warm people are happy to tell you all about themselves. They want to know all about you. They want to know, are you being honest with me. No secrets.

They happily tell you about their past relationships and current relationships. They think it’s okay to have lots of friends.

They feel that if you meet their friends they are safer, because the group always lets each member know what the others are doing.

They are joiners.

They love exchanging information.

They may want to know your age, and what you do in bed with other people.

At this point some warm, friendly people turn into cool people.

Introverts are often cool people.

Cool people are more cautious before they commit. They are suspicious of anybody who asks too many questions. They regard people who reveal too much as naïve and unreliable. They are suspicious of rivals, unreliable people from your past, your getting involved with anybody except them.

They don’t want to reveal their real name. They use their middle name or an alias or a nickname or a pen name or a business name. They don’t want to reveal their age. Their address. The shop where they buy their clothes. They don’t want to tell you the title of a reference book which reveals trade secrets or addresses or how to pass an exam.

HYBRIDS & FALSELY WARM

Some extraverts and warm people have invented a new ‘stage’ personality. They want to appear much more successful to get admiration and trust.

Or to seem much more of a victim. To get attention, sympathy and money.

Comics and comedians are jolly on stage, compensating for being frightened inside. So many clowns and comedians when they are out of work have lost the successful side which is bolstering them and giving them false confidence. Like Benny Hill, Hancock, and others, the clown out of work gets depressed or commits suicide. Manic depressive or slightly so – introvert and unfriendly off stage, in chat shows, when recognized by the public in the lift or a shop they turn unexpectedly aggressive.

They can’t maintain the funny, friendly person without the lines written by somebody else. They think their real self is being tracked, exposed. The funny on stage person, especially in drag, allows them to do things they would be afraid to do in real life because they think the frightening lurking parents or God in the Sky can’t see them. On stage behind a wig or play character or even in a poem or song they are somebody else. On stage they can be confident or even take revenge and commit murder. Then, without being blamed, or made to keep up the pretence, they can sink back into obscurity, un-noticed.

Let’s go back to the dating personality. The friend. The family member.

The introvert is afraid to speak.

A quiet neighbour declines to give a member of my/your family a reference. The neighbour’s excuse is ‘I don’t really know you/her/him’. Another chatty neighbour certainly knows my/your family. Maybe the man/woman who doesn’t really know my/your family is the introvert ‘private person’. They don’t want to know or be known.

Restaurant Invitations and Table Manners - Gracious Hosts

Why do some people just click with you, yet others jar? It's good to come across a few who are annoying. Makes you appreciate the real sweeties.

Let me tell you about some of the iffy ones. I've read profiles of or spoken to some men who claim to be very wealthy. You know that if they have lived all over the world and they are staying in a five star hotel and have a certain type of job and a house with four or more bedrooms and a large car and know the top places in almost any city you mention and spend their spare time playing golf they are not short of money and can probably put dinner on expenses.

Never mind what a man will do on date two. Most surveys say you have to date an average of about twenty to find your perfect match. Some couples are very lucky. Some people are less lucky.

But that means that you have to spend 19 out of 20 evenings with Mr not quite right. Nineteen times out of twenty it is not a perfect match. So you have to make the best of the activity or surroundings to give your first date the best chance of success.

I put a lot of effort into looking nice on a date. I think most women do. So we want men to have also put in some effort.

Obviously personality type and where you work has something to do with it. One friend suggested to me that Italian men are more likely than the British to take pride in being well-groomed, whatever their income.

Yet along comes a man who is short of time but has loads of money. He only wants to invite women out for a date to a pub or for cup of coffee. A pair of new tights is going to cost her more than the cup of coffee. And her income is less than his so she is spending proportionally more.

Sometimes the upmarket man's email or phone call is full of challenging words, "Why would a man like me want a woman like you?"

Maybe I'm just being over sensitive. Perhaps that a perfectly reasonable question?

No. I prefer the man who says, 'I'm a great cook, I love in a pleasant modern / traditional house in the heart of the city / countryside.'

He should then enthuse about her and ask, 'Do tell me more about yourself.' As if he is interested. Not as if he is a bouncer on the door suspiciously checking the ID of a gatecrasher.

Of course this applies to women, too.

He should also love his job. And have a great place he'd love to take you. Or be willing to find a great place nearer the woman so she doesn't have to travel.

If she's coming by car, he should be sure she can park somewhere safe. He should offer her options. Would you prefer A or B?

What about the sort of approach which I feel creates the wrong impression?

'If we get along ...,' they say, 'I'll do this, I'll do that.'

No 'ifs'. No promises which are destined to leave 19 out of women disappointed.

Wait and see. Don't make promises you can't keep.

After the man has established that the woman still likes him - despite the medical problem he never mentioned, then he can make offers.

Or he says, 'That'll come later.'

Just a minute. There are ten women to every man on this site. I might not want to meet him again. I'm only interested in this date. If he doesn't impress me on date one, he doesn't get a second date.

What does he get aggressive at any mention of meeting of meeting for a meal. 'Are you a gold-digger?' he demands. What can one say to that?

On the other hand a dear little taxi driver is nearly in tears because he feels he is not good enough when I turn up looking glamorous and sweet at the pub or fish and chip shop. Which I've suggested, having got a clue about what I think is his modest budget and usual style of a grand date.

I can only conclude that either:

a) The men claiming to be wealthy have so many offers they can go on forever persuading desperate women to do anything for a cup of coffee and a dream.

b) They are mean. So mean that - that's why their wife left them.

I have a couple of friends like that. One wife complained she wanted to take their daughter to a tennis / chess competition which involved the cost of travel. Her husband didn't want to pay. He owned a block of flats! He was happy to spend money on what he wanted. But not on his wife and children.

So, back to the dating scene. Most women of means and a 'polite' professional background will feel insulted by confrontational language. The way of treating people like teasing a dog with a bone on a string just out of reach.

So the only people men like that will meet are the gold-diggers.

Also they are programming the listener. It's basic NLP and child-raising. If you keep telling other people they have ulterior motives, that's how they turn out.

I move on. I look for somebody who wants to be part of a team. That was what my beloved parents had lifelong and what so many are missing today.

So what am I doing in this post? I don't want you to be like the man I've just described to be mean.

If you go on about debts, and what you would do IF ONLY you had the money, really the woman doesn't want to know. She wants to think that you are offering her the best you can afford and that it's going to be fun, fun, fun.

No point in insisting on meeting for coffee in a pub and then moaning about the seediness of the pub and how you need to leave because the drunks are getting loud and coming in your direction (happened to me in the pub last night - not on a date, in a group).

So let me end by telling you what I'm looking for and recommending. The man who books a restaurant or cute coffee shop. And is positive about the venue. '.You will love it.' (Never mind the smarter place that would be loved by some fictional woman he might entertain next week.)

I love it if he stands up when I walk in. While he's up he can ask if I'd prefer another table. If we go to one of my favourite restaurants, the waiter might ask if we'd prefer another table. The dinner date man should be playing host. You don't want her falling in love with the waiter who is giving her all the attention, offering another table, pulling out her chair, discussing the drink, discussing the menu. That's a neutral topic the couple should be discussing together.

Is the menu an excuse for a confrontation? A round of grievances and bad memories?

Or a chance to share information? Mutual joy? Anticipation? Even sharing.

That's another good reason for a restaurant meal. I can remember the first meals I shared with the important men in my life. All the good things. The eye contact. The exchange of glances. The assurances.

He dresses in his smartest outfit. Helps pull out the chair, tuck in my dress - a chance to get tactile there - very subtly.

Doesn't just tell me to 'come as you are'. But gets all excited at the thought of the outfit I've promised to wear.

Has brought something for me. Doesn't have to be Could be something to show me from the internet. Anything which shows thought and planning. Asks me what I want to drink as soon as I arrive and orders on my behalf.

I shouldn't have to order or myself and be left wondering what he's eating and drinking and whether I'm in budget. Generally if he opts for the cheapest option I'll avoid the most expensive one. If he's only drinking one glass, me too.

The perfect evening is when we are in total harmony.

But let me move onto the sort of evening I enjoy. Next post.

I believe you start as you mean to go on.

What do you think?