Saying too Much - Don't Lose It - How To Find It

Don't say too much. Could they possibly object to your interests in guns and tanks, snakes and crocodiles, crossword puzzles and gnomes, aligning your vases and trees in Feng Shui, and is that absolutely essential?

At this time there's no point in getting frantic because he or she prefers jazz to opera or tennis to swimming - if you forever make demands for exact matches you never meet anybody.

SUCCESSFUL PHONE CALLS - HORRORS & HEAVEN

SUCCESSFUL PHONE CALLS Sound happy when you answer. Smile. 

And when recording messages which others listen to.

Don't say, 'I don't know what to say,' but, 'I'd love to talk to you.' or, 'I'd love to meet you.' a) Bad sign - long interrogation. it sounds as if he wants to adapt to your wishes. It is unlikely that he is going to adapt to your wishes.He wants to know if you will adapt to his. It sounds as if he is expressing a polite interest. He isn't. He is likely to keep you answering questions for an hour and then tell you no thanks. Time wasting and disappointing. Cut the conversation short especially if you are working or people are about to arrive and if he wants to meet you will tell him more. (On the other hand, you might not want to discuss personal matters in a public place.) Are you getting positive feedback or just questions? Keep questions and answers even between the two or you. Don't reveal a lot unless the other person tells you - even then you might want to be more discreet or stop the other person. Do you want them to tell you all sorts of things you'd rather not know - on a first call from a total stranger. b) Good sign - Sounds pleased to see you. Even if it's not a good time, keen to speak to you later. Already interested in meeting. c) Uses positive words. You click with them on the phone. SUCCESSFUL MEETINGS Surveys have shown it can take about 20-25 meetings to meet Mr or Miss Right. So you have to be prepared to spend a lot of time with people who are friendly but not special. That's no different to what you have been doing for a week, or weeks, or years in life in general - and why you are on a dating site. What doesn't work? When you meet and conversation falls apart. Maybe they simply fail to turn you on. UNSUCCESSFUL MEN & WOMEN CONVERSATIONS a) The fearful submissive who is boring and blank and is willing to do anything but cannot drive a car or cook an egg or make coffee other than instant, or even instant coffee because they only drink water and they are too scared to travel b) The aggressive, either high status but lacking manners, or no status of any kind to give authority c) Social meeting only - but no chemistry - no meeting of eyes. d) No social skills - no meeting of eyes. (Note when meeting eyes you should smile - otherwise it's aggressive. Be friendly. e) Too rigid - 'You MUST' (be available on the third Thursday of the month, wear a jacket with pink spots etc) f) Obsessively self-centred stuck in their own past with no conversation - after three hours listening to what happened to them when they were two years old you feel like watching the TV news, reading a newspaper and discussing films with the people at the next table g) Physically not it or unnerving - most entertaining but you cannot foresee a relationship with somebody who has crossed yellow-brown teeth, swellings on their lips and eyes, dirty cracked fingernails, a bandage on their face, a bleeding neck and an arm in a sling, and two walking sticks and a story with gruesome details about their last operation.

h) Long stories about the death of their previous spouse or partner or friend - gives the listener the feeling of am I next and this person is miserable and a loser. The old saying goes, smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone.

You might notice that when you start to talk about the death of your parents or children or spouse the other person listens intently for three minutes then suddenly decides it's time to leave. Learn for next time. No more than two sentences about sad subjects. It's no use saying, 'You don't want to know!' That creates a mystery and a challenge and worries them and sounds like you are playing hard to get and really want to tell so they will say, 'Yes, I do.' Change the subject to something jollier. Or ask them about something good in their life.

i) Some people just don't inspire you with confidence that they are in charge of a date or their life - after they spend forty minutes telling you how they lost all their money you start to worry whether they can afford coffee and a muffin or whether they want to 'borrow a fiver'. j) A man used the phrases 'I need money the money,' and 'I am looking for a rich widow'. But even though the listener has a good friend at work who fits this description she might not want to burden her with a loser. He lives nearby and is free over Christmas - but never married and in final paragraph admits he is looking for a penpal. MORE UNSUCCESSFUL WOMEN ON DATES a) Much older than was claimed. Old photo. 

A man aged 35-75 who is grey haired and balding expects a young blonde, but is outraged when he meets a woman who is grey haired and balding. He thinks that grey hair makes him looks distinguished. But not her. No comment. b) Sexy woman looking for a no strings attached relationship turns out to be a call girl and asks for money. (If men, especially those not showing photos, say they want a no strings attached relationship and demand much younger women, on adult or general sites, they often get bimbos, gold-diggers, young nymphos or call girls.) c) Date has broad shoulders and big feet - you suspect a transvestite. (If men show pictures of male nudes they attract gay or bisexual men. Real women tend to fall for a smiling faces. Strange, isn't it?) d) Attractive - but not to the person they are with. Talked on mobile to others throughout dinner. At this point the man thinks his date is not interested. He cut short dinner, only meets for coffee. But maybe she was on the phone because his conversation did not involve her.

SUCCESSFUL & FLEXIBLE

You are fortunately if you have the date you want nearby - happily separated from ex - looks after family but has plenty of time to meet - willing to give out phone number - happy to meet for an elegant lunch dinner so the woman can dress up and look good. People sometimes ask, What if we don't get on? Often you find couples where one talks and the other listens. But the listener must be devoted. However, extraverts often look for somebody like themselves, the sort of person who gets on well with everybody. If you are in the media or sales, you have to get on. Anybody who runs a successful business is either totally ruthless or they make it their business to get on. If a man is paying for my dinner I am under an obligation to be polite and charming. He has driven a long way. The very least I can do is be charming and polite. Listen. Talk. For years I've been a trailing wife and expat. I've had to sit in business meetings staying quiet or smiling at the wife of somebody I'll not see again for five years. For me to have a man giving me his total attention for a whole evening is a joy. You can call it man-woman, dom-sub, daddy-adult baby, call it what you like. I was an only child and I crave attention. I'm bright and jolly and looking for somebody bright and jolly. I go out expecting to have a good time. I'll do my half and I expect the other person to do their half. Teamwork. Everybody giving you advice has their own viewpoint. You have to listen and decide if it applies to you. You might try to change simply because what you tried before didn't work and you want to try a new approach.

Regarding meetings, I try to be totally flexible and positive - I say, 'if it doesn't work out we'll have a fun hour or so meeting anyway.' And sometimes the perfect fit is a disappointment, whilst the person who seemingly has nothing is such a laugh and such fun that you could spend all day talking nonsense and never feel under pressure. So if you really want to meet people, meet everybody who sounds safe and then you might make a new friend. It's better if you are flexible. One of you has to be easy-going and ready to meet. I hope this has helped. You can see where others go wrong and maybe where you go wrong. You know what to do to get a meeting. You may have learned something about yourself - or about me. I'd love to hear some feedback. To some extent you make your own luck. I wish you luck!

SUCCESSFUL DATING PROFILES FOR MEETINGS

How do you get to a meeting? To a second meeting? You may be interested in different things from different people. One of the biggest complaints about dating sites is that you never meet anybody. SUCCESSFUL PROFILES You don't want to say too little nor too much. First there's too little. One man wanted to know if anybody was real because nobody replied. I looked at his profile. Every answer was 'prefer not to say' or 'tell you later'. A woman reading his profile would be asking herself, is he real? He did not have a single conversation opener. Nothing to make you say, 'He sounds interesting!' Nothing to make you remember him after scanning sixty profiles. Say something about your job and why you like it, or what you would like to do. And something about your leisure activities. Especially those for a first date. On the other hand, you can be in danger of saying too much. A successful women can get emails from introverts who say, in effect, 'You sound too educated for me,' or, 'You sound too bossy,' or, simply, 'I'm scared to meet you.' I think - what sort of man is he? He sees an interesting woman and writes to her that he is scared to meet. He has no confidence. No PR. He is warning her that he may never be courageous enough to meet, so she risks wasting time writing. Some men write aggressive emails. "You sound horrible." (So why did he bother to write?) Or challenging emails. Such as, 'Are you a gold-digger? Or, ''Why would a rich man like me want to meet you? Compliments should address the person. Not 'I love your picture' without saying anything about it. Nor 'I love your profile' without saying anything about it. You can pick anything: I love the hat. I like beards. Or a question, 'Where was that photo taken?' You should sound happy with the other person and willing to meet. What could stop you meeting or go wrong when you meet? Sometimes you click with somebody on the page. You manage to exchange phone numbers. I think the man should give his out first. It reassures the woman. And he should phone her. You are then on your way to a meeting. You are meeting on the phone.

Do you pass the photo test?

Do you pass the photo test? 1 A photo of any sort - to show willing. It should show you are sufficiently computer savvy to take a photo and load it up. Otherwise, the other person reasons, how are you going to get confident enough to actually phone and meet. If you have no kind of photo it suggests you will never give out a phone number nor meet. Show you are bright and savvy. 2 Photo of personality. Any woman on any dating site or even in possession of Skype or a mobile phone gets dozens of contacts from people who are scamming and saying 'Phone me' 'Contact me'. She does not know that you are not a scam trying to get her email or maybe even using a borrowed photo of a celebrity. Or you twenty years ago. She wants a current photo showing the real person. Show you are real. 3 A smile. Yes, a smile. Do I really want to spend even ten minutes talking to or listening to or meeting a person who frowns, scowls or is miserable. I want somebody who will cheer me up. 

You probably know the saying, 'Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone.' It's easy to forget this. A taxi driver once interrupted my complaint to say, "Lady - I've got problems of my own.' Nobody wants to see somebody scowling. I've rather have coffee with a jolly neighbour or watch TV. I would like to meet somebody bright, cheerful and smiling. 4 Hair.Young-looking hair. Yes, hair. Why would I swap a perfectly good man for somebody twenty years older or looking twenty years older? I know men go bald at 35. I might like a bald man. I might tolerate a bald man. But he would have to have everything else - looks, education, a job, money - at least evidence of being solvent, a smile.

This you can fix easily. If you don't have hair, you can wear a hat - not a baseball cap, but a hat.

Or dye hair black or brown.

Why not?

A man doesn't want a woman with grey hair. Why does he think a blonde woman wants a man who is grey and shabby?

If you want to be on the dole and out of work and out of dates stay there looking old and decrepit. You could take yourself to a barber or give yourself a makeover.

Imagine you are going to a job interview, competing with men ten years younger.

You are competing with younger men. Yes, women get emails from men ten years younger than you. Women over fifty get emails from students under 21 - some of them virgins!

Bald and grey suggests impotence and prostate trouble. Along with a heart by-pass. And hospital visits. 5 Rough beards - yuk!

I had a relationship founder because every time a man tried to kiss me it felt like a shoebrush.

If you look like a hedgehog you don't suggest cuddly.

Wash it with conditioner. Make sure it is not even more hair showing that you are grey and old and faded.

Even a soft beard would suggest lazy and self-centred and not presentable. 6 No pets in pictures

I haven't seen a site called dates with dogs. Or pet people. I think there is one. But I've had bridge games, outings and dinner dates cancelled, postponed or delayed by people who can't get a dog-sitter, dog ran in road, dog died, can't go on holiday, can't go away for weekend, dog died and kids are crying, dog can't be left alone, must go home early to feed dog, dog is lost on highway - dog in bed in threesome - dog must like you and you must like dog - trousers and shoes smell of dog pooh ...

Pets are great in zoos. Not on a first date. If you don't get a first date, you don't get a second. 

Dogs are a distraction to those who want to meet for coffee or dinner. 

And those who want to jump into bed.

Also leaves the delicate reader wondering if you really had something kinky and illegal in mind. And on that happy note I shall go back to my inbox and answer the one interesting. smiling man who sent me a photo. I remember him. (Leaving aside other emails and photos from people who wonder what they could have done to get noticed by a woman.) I hope this helps. I can't guarantee that if you follow this advice you will get answers from me or any other woman. But at least you know if you can pass the photo test.

Dates - Selling Yourself To Your Soulmate?

There is no need to sell yourself to those who have goodwill. I'd rather think of a date as a potential friend and if more develops be pleasantly surprised. A survey by one of the dating sites showed that those who meet their soulmate instantly are the exception. The average is 25 dates. 

So two people would have 50 dates. But that means that if some are meeting instantly, to have an average of 25 dates, if one person meets their soulmate on date one, another must meet their soulmate on date 49!

Some are meeting soulmates after one to five dates, which means others must need to meet up to 250 people!  That would be one a day for more than six months. Three a week for two years. One a week for four years. One a month for years and years ... (I'm not sure - mental maths is not my strongest suit. I have to check numbers on paper, twice.) 

You could aim for fewer, better people. But by being picky you might cut out those who have potential - smokers who are quitting, sick people who get cured, dog owners who don't replace the dog which died, bearded men who shave off their beard, fat people who go on diets, widows and divorcees who get over the setback, and so on. 

Some people think you should not go for quality but quantity, like talent shows. See many without making any rules. Endure lots of no-hopers. Plus those who failed first time around, who improved themselves and persisted in coming back better. Just waiting for the good one to turn up.

Therefore to expect every stranger you meet to be your soulmate means you are doomed to endless disappointment. (Some success comes to those who end up finding that a person who was just a friend turns into the soulmate several months or even years later. Even with heart-warming success rate of Friends Reunited - looking at it logically, these were people who missed out on getting together first time around. So just go out, without expecting too much, and make friends.  

Put plenty of effort into it - expect to get on really well, but don't expect to meet the 100% perfect person.  You need one or more common interests and a reasonable amount of goodwill to get on.

Internet social site tips - Why Not Send A Recent Photo?

A man put up a profile with a photo which was three decades out of date. Why?

He put up a picture. So he thought a picture was important. 

It was a very nice picture. But why not a recent photo?

Many people use out of date profile pictures. Why? Because the best one was several weeks or months ago? 

If you know you are going to get a new passport or put up an online profile, get yourself a new photo. And whenever you are dressed up smartly, for example at a wedding, get lots of pictures taken. 

What impression does the viewer form on seeing an out of date photo? I imagine you are still a nice person, but totally different. I would like to relate to the current you, not to some totally false impression of you.

 

Let's suppose that your picture conveys the impression that you are young and sporty with long hair. 

Yet if you are 35 years older you are probably bald and unfit. Your readers could be the same. Or they might be quite comfortable with that

.

You must admit that a photo unlike you leads to reader to suspect you are hiding something. 

I want to know if you are smiling or scowling.

I thought I was being polite and encouraging when I  said I might like you as you are now.

Do you think that a man or woman is shallow if they want to see a photo?  To call somebody shallow is a confrontational and aggressive statement.

I don't only judge on looks. I judge on whether I get a friendly, positive reply. 

If I sent you a picture of myself 35 years ago what would you expect? 

I might have different hair colour and my age and weight could be different. You would imagine a totally different person and when we met it would take a lot of getting used to.  

On the internet there are all sorts of types, ranging from covered in tattoos to paraplegic, from waist length beard and hair to clean-shaven and totally bald. From bow tie to tee-shirt. From the sporty hiker to the bookish intellectual. 

Before starting a long correspondence or giving out personal details it is perfectly reasonable for a woman to get some idea of the man. Firstly for her own safety. Secondly because in the long run, you would meet and introduce to friends to see if they are presentable. Thirdly to angle your chat so as to co-ordinate with their lifestyle and views. 

If you get an out of date photo, all you know so far is that the poster or sender has avoided telling the truth and being friendly and positive.

If you do not post a photo for security reasons, say so.

But a photo which is several years old - nothing like you - suggests you have something to hide. 

Are you not happy with the way you look?

One of the main complaints by people on the internet is that they meet people who are nothing like the photo.

If you do not like your appearance, or think it is off-putting, then change it. If you are bald, admit it but wear a hat.

A picture is only one part of how you present yourself to others, how much you care about honesty and their opinion of you. You should be able and willing to dress reasonably presentably to suit the occasion and not embarrass others and look somebody in the eye. 

Looks are not the only and over-riding important matter - but it is important to know something about a stranger and to be able to visualise them.

I hope I have encouraged you to be happy and confident about the idea of showing a picture - which is a normal request. Don't take exception to a request for a photo. 

If I asked what you did for a living or what you studied or anything else. A request for a photo could be a deal-breaker, ore merely opening a conversation and inviting you to reveal more.  You don't want to make the other person afraid to ask or say anything  in case you get annoyed. Up to you to reply and continue in a positive fashion.

POSITIVE WRITING RULES

POSITIVE WRITING RULES

Ideally you should be entirely positive.

If you must include a negative, at least end on a positive. With practise you can learn to speak, think and feel positive all the time. So your words, thoughts, gestures and facial expressions are all positive.

 

So maybe we should stick to three rules in an email or date

Don’t say

a) ‘I have no money’

‘If you are x, move on’ (First half of that sentence says I’m a loser and a victim and a failure on this site or in the dating game. The second half of the sentence is an aggressive, belligerent statement - is this how you will behave when you end a relationship - telling the other person to go, get lost, rather than thanking them for their time and wishing them well.)

‘I am physically/mentally disabled and if you can’t deal with that ....’

Focus on the positive contribution of both partners in the relationship - I am in a wheelchair but still take part in sports and look after a business and I am looking for a loving kind person, perhaps in the nursing profession - or somebody who always wanted to be a nurse

There is a simple way to summarise this conversational over-revelation - Too Much Information.

If you are gregarious or lonely or feel it would be a good tactic to increase your options and you want to meet more people - of any type, perhaps you should say less in your profile, or fewer negative things, and more positive things.

At first sight you might think that the simple solution is not to talk about personal negatives. Is it okay not to talk about the man who attacked you in the street - only about the awful mugging described in the newspapers last week? 

The dangers are that this encourages negative thoughts, bad memories, and signals ‘let’s talk about disasters’. It can encourage a kind of victim one-downmanships. I met somebody worse than that, my medical problems are worse than yours -

If you want to find the worst about somebody else’s life straight away, okay. If I were just gathering stories for a novel, or ideas for a joke or humorous speech, that would be amusing as a one-off date. But for my dates, or for me, to do this regularly would not lead to happy evenings dating nor a long-term relationship.

The solution for better self-image and PR and prospects imagining a successful and co-operative relationship:

Focus on your successes - not on one-up manship, not on changing somebody else’s dire life, but on being initially a source of pleasure and eventually a team player.

How do you ingratiate yourself when you meet somebody and have a one minute speech?

Balance my worst holiday with my best holiday. Don’t talk about why I hate one race, religion or nationality or city, but what I like about my country, your country, my religion, your religion, what we have in common. 

-ends-