Writing An Encouraging Profile

Profiles sometimes catch your attention and make you think although they fail to stir you to action and reply. today I had some thoughts about how a profile could be improved. And I'm using this as a memorable example.

Accentuate The Positive

Today I noticed a profile from a man who was a middle-aged virgin and said he was 'desperate'.

The word desperate was already off-putting. Any negative word is off-putting. Look for a positive word. A better word would have been keen.

Desperate evokes a series of images, which might be wrong, and irrelevant. 

It means different things to different people. To me it suggested that contacting him was taking a risk because things could go from bad to worse:

1 A loser. A failure. Has never attracted a woman. A loner. No friends. Unattractive.

2 Deeply unhappy. Possibly a depressive. Could even be suicidal.

3 A man willing to pay for sex. His ad might attract call girls.

4 Somebody with no alternative - might become a stalker. 

5 Too clinging. A million problems. Why has he never attracted anybody? Plain? Stupid? Poor health? Criminal record? Been in prison? Always lived at home? Mama's boy? Homeless? Would he want not just sex but money and a home?

6 Total submissive? No confidence? No ideas? No initiative? Can't study, hold down a job, organize a date at a romantic restaurant. Can't buy a bunch of flowers. No persistence?

7 No social graces. Low IQ. Possible mental problems.

All these ideas floated through my head - caused by just one word!

I was not interested in meeting him but was sufficiently curious to read down his list of attributes. 

Under children I expected him to say none. I would have thought - obviously, no sex means no children.

But he had ticked on or clicked on no answer which comes up as 'prefer not to say'. 

Why?

Too lazy to fill in the form?

Too evasive to answer the simplest question.

Hiding something - actually has adopted children - here my imagination runs riot. With no clues from him I run a checklist of every possibility to see what is possible or likely. He has had a sexless marriage and adopted children. Or married an older woman who already had children but didn't want sex. 

He has been a priest. Or teacher. At a boarding school. A special needs school.

I have given you a lot of negatives. Now let me brighten up this blog. I would also like to reassure anybody who has included any of these three ideas (virgin, desperate, prefer not to say whether I have children) that they can re-write to create a more positive impression.

Desperate

As I said earlier, look for positive words. And positive thoughts.

For positive words, use a thesaurus.

Play happy music. 

Imagine you are a GP (to any American readers - a British General Practitioners is a family doctor). Adopt a jolly bedside manner or the cheeriness of the doctor. 

So let's change the word desperate. The doctor or adviser or counsellor says, 'So Mr Desperate, you have now decided to take action to solve your problem. Excellent. You are keen to meet a nice lady. What are you looking for? Who would you get on with? What can you offer her?'

I now see why some dating sites have done the work for you. They ask you to describe yourself, and they put hints in brackets.

They even ask why somebody would want to meet you.

Why would anybody want to meet a desperate man?

Why would anybody want to meet a virgin?

And how can he counteract the impressions I suggested earlier.

Here are a few suggestions:

I think you will see from this how a profile can be improved. Amazingly, after one nods one's head in agreement, thinking, well, this is common sense, this is obvious, often you go back to your own writing and find you have hastily written off the thought of the moment. Your first thought was not checked at the time. Nor later. There in your own writing, are all the errors which, when made by other people, were so obvious that you tutted and shook your head and wondered why they could not see.

Excuse me - I must go off and check what else I wrote today, giving the impression that I'm some negative, awkward person. When, of course, I am all sweetness and light. I ooze kindness. I am positive thinking, and the most intelligent, insightful and charming person you could hope to meet or read!  Anybody would love to meet me.

Positive Attitude Pays

I like people who are positive. Happy. Fun to be with. I'm looking for somebody who gets on well with anybody and everybody. Determined to have a happy evening. Planning little surprises. Even if we don't like each other, it will be a memorable evening. Liking somebody is not just looks. Nor money. Nor morals. Nor having a job. Nor even being moral and of unblemished character. Plenty of horrid people get married. At one time they were nice to the person who decide to marry them. (Then they stopped trying.) There's a saying, 'A man who opens a restaurant must smile.' If you run a business or are in sales or the media you have to get on well with everybody.

I've read lots of blogs by other women on dating sites. Many of the women talk about what annoys them:

1 Men not reading the woman's profile. No teamwork. No interest in what she wants.

2 A variation on the previous - demands that the woman conforms to what the man wants.

3 Confrontation.

Playing hard to get might work with some people but a mature woman like me appreciates being treasured. By a man who is calm and confident. Happy to have a pleasant evening. Determined to have fun and enjoy himself. No good a man looking for 'fun' with a miserable face. If that makes you laugh, and smile and nod, then you are my sort of person.  

Assuming you've got past he email stage to speaking on the phone and discussing arranging a date. He might ask, 'What if we don't like each other?' 

There are some funny replies I could make. Such as: 

a) You've got to be better than the man I married. 

b) How could I not like you? You are such a nice person. 

c) You must be better than the last three I met.  

(a) The one whose fiancee had committed suicide. He was so miserable, I wasn't surprised.  

(b) The man who told me he had just enough money to get by - after we'd ordered a three course meal. I spent the whole of dinner worrying whether he would pay and if he would starve for a month. Fortunately food was included in his live in job at a public school (private school to readers in the USA)  

(c) The man who was a singer, which sounded jolly, except he never spoke above a whisper. We sat in a place with loud music. He thought I was going deaf. I thought he need assertiveness training.  

They all kept me mesmerized all evening. Somehow they weren't happy and confident enough to reach a second date.  

Worrying about short term or long term is a waste of time. Why worry about whether we could get on long term? If we really get on well, we'll work it out.  

If we can't get through a conversation on the phone, we won't get to a date, never mind more. As for the negatives, people can be like Romeo and Juliet, battle on despite the whole world being against them.  

So, how about the man who asks, 'What if we don't like each other?' We might not like each other, but we both have enough experience and wit and good will to be entertaining. We should be appreciative of somebody who has faced the uncertainty and stress of the meeting, and the time and trouble to get to the meeting place. They have cleared their evening, allocated time, made an effort.  

I have doubts if I hear too many fears. 'What if we don't like each other?' Sounds like this person is going to take a look at you and walk out. Sounds like many people would take a look at the speaker and walk out.  

On the other hand, I am a bit wary about 'I'm in love with you already!' That sounds like the other person is unrealistic and will find I don't match their expectations.  

I like a calm, confident, happy, realistic optimistic. Everybody likes me. I like everybody I meet. I always have an interesting time. But I have a much better time if I stick to people who are determined to have a great time. I think you will, too.

And make sure you give the other person the impression that you will be fun to be with.

Saying too Much - Don't Lose It - How To Find It

Don't say too much. Could they possibly object to your interests in guns and tanks, snakes and crocodiles, crossword puzzles and gnomes, aligning your vases and trees in Feng Shui, and is that absolutely essential?

At this time there's no point in getting frantic because he or she prefers jazz to opera or tennis to swimming - if you forever make demands for exact matches you never meet anybody.

SUCCESSFUL PHONE CALLS - HORRORS & HEAVEN

SUCCESSFUL PHONE CALLS Sound happy when you answer. Smile. 

And when recording messages which others listen to.

Don't say, 'I don't know what to say,' but, 'I'd love to talk to you.' or, 'I'd love to meet you.' a) Bad sign - long interrogation. it sounds as if he wants to adapt to your wishes. It is unlikely that he is going to adapt to your wishes.He wants to know if you will adapt to his. It sounds as if he is expressing a polite interest. He isn't. He is likely to keep you answering questions for an hour and then tell you no thanks. Time wasting and disappointing. Cut the conversation short especially if you are working or people are about to arrive and if he wants to meet you will tell him more. (On the other hand, you might not want to discuss personal matters in a public place.) Are you getting positive feedback or just questions? Keep questions and answers even between the two or you. Don't reveal a lot unless the other person tells you - even then you might want to be more discreet or stop the other person. Do you want them to tell you all sorts of things you'd rather not know - on a first call from a total stranger. b) Good sign - Sounds pleased to see you. Even if it's not a good time, keen to speak to you later. Already interested in meeting. c) Uses positive words. You click with them on the phone. SUCCESSFUL MEETINGS Surveys have shown it can take about 20-25 meetings to meet Mr or Miss Right. So you have to be prepared to spend a lot of time with people who are friendly but not special. That's no different to what you have been doing for a week, or weeks, or years in life in general - and why you are on a dating site. What doesn't work? When you meet and conversation falls apart. Maybe they simply fail to turn you on. UNSUCCESSFUL MEN & WOMEN CONVERSATIONS a) The fearful submissive who is boring and blank and is willing to do anything but cannot drive a car or cook an egg or make coffee other than instant, or even instant coffee because they only drink water and they are too scared to travel b) The aggressive, either high status but lacking manners, or no status of any kind to give authority c) Social meeting only - but no chemistry - no meeting of eyes. d) No social skills - no meeting of eyes. (Note when meeting eyes you should smile - otherwise it's aggressive. Be friendly. e) Too rigid - 'You MUST' (be available on the third Thursday of the month, wear a jacket with pink spots etc) f) Obsessively self-centred stuck in their own past with no conversation - after three hours listening to what happened to them when they were two years old you feel like watching the TV news, reading a newspaper and discussing films with the people at the next table g) Physically not it or unnerving - most entertaining but you cannot foresee a relationship with somebody who has crossed yellow-brown teeth, swellings on their lips and eyes, dirty cracked fingernails, a bandage on their face, a bleeding neck and an arm in a sling, and two walking sticks and a story with gruesome details about their last operation.

h) Long stories about the death of their previous spouse or partner or friend - gives the listener the feeling of am I next and this person is miserable and a loser. The old saying goes, smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone.

You might notice that when you start to talk about the death of your parents or children or spouse the other person listens intently for three minutes then suddenly decides it's time to leave. Learn for next time. No more than two sentences about sad subjects. It's no use saying, 'You don't want to know!' That creates a mystery and a challenge and worries them and sounds like you are playing hard to get and really want to tell so they will say, 'Yes, I do.' Change the subject to something jollier. Or ask them about something good in their life.

i) Some people just don't inspire you with confidence that they are in charge of a date or their life - after they spend forty minutes telling you how they lost all their money you start to worry whether they can afford coffee and a muffin or whether they want to 'borrow a fiver'. j) A man used the phrases 'I need money the money,' and 'I am looking for a rich widow'. But even though the listener has a good friend at work who fits this description she might not want to burden her with a loser. He lives nearby and is free over Christmas - but never married and in final paragraph admits he is looking for a penpal. MORE UNSUCCESSFUL WOMEN ON DATES a) Much older than was claimed. Old photo. 

A man aged 35-75 who is grey haired and balding expects a young blonde, but is outraged when he meets a woman who is grey haired and balding. He thinks that grey hair makes him looks distinguished. But not her. No comment. b) Sexy woman looking for a no strings attached relationship turns out to be a call girl and asks for money. (If men, especially those not showing photos, say they want a no strings attached relationship and demand much younger women, on adult or general sites, they often get bimbos, gold-diggers, young nymphos or call girls.) c) Date has broad shoulders and big feet - you suspect a transvestite. (If men show pictures of male nudes they attract gay or bisexual men. Real women tend to fall for a smiling faces. Strange, isn't it?) d) Attractive - but not to the person they are with. Talked on mobile to others throughout dinner. At this point the man thinks his date is not interested. He cut short dinner, only meets for coffee. But maybe she was on the phone because his conversation did not involve her.

SUCCESSFUL & FLEXIBLE

You are fortunately if you have the date you want nearby - happily separated from ex - looks after family but has plenty of time to meet - willing to give out phone number - happy to meet for an elegant lunch dinner so the woman can dress up and look good. People sometimes ask, What if we don't get on? Often you find couples where one talks and the other listens. But the listener must be devoted. However, extraverts often look for somebody like themselves, the sort of person who gets on well with everybody. If you are in the media or sales, you have to get on. Anybody who runs a successful business is either totally ruthless or they make it their business to get on. If a man is paying for my dinner I am under an obligation to be polite and charming. He has driven a long way. The very least I can do is be charming and polite. Listen. Talk. For years I've been a trailing wife and expat. I've had to sit in business meetings staying quiet or smiling at the wife of somebody I'll not see again for five years. For me to have a man giving me his total attention for a whole evening is a joy. You can call it man-woman, dom-sub, daddy-adult baby, call it what you like. I was an only child and I crave attention. I'm bright and jolly and looking for somebody bright and jolly. I go out expecting to have a good time. I'll do my half and I expect the other person to do their half. Teamwork. Everybody giving you advice has their own viewpoint. You have to listen and decide if it applies to you. You might try to change simply because what you tried before didn't work and you want to try a new approach.

Regarding meetings, I try to be totally flexible and positive - I say, 'if it doesn't work out we'll have a fun hour or so meeting anyway.' And sometimes the perfect fit is a disappointment, whilst the person who seemingly has nothing is such a laugh and such fun that you could spend all day talking nonsense and never feel under pressure. So if you really want to meet people, meet everybody who sounds safe and then you might make a new friend. It's better if you are flexible. One of you has to be easy-going and ready to meet. I hope this has helped. You can see where others go wrong and maybe where you go wrong. You know what to do to get a meeting. You may have learned something about yourself - or about me. I'd love to hear some feedback. To some extent you make your own luck. I wish you luck!

SUCCESSFUL DATING PROFILES FOR MEETINGS

How do you get to a meeting? To a second meeting? You may be interested in different things from different people. One of the biggest complaints about dating sites is that you never meet anybody. SUCCESSFUL PROFILES You don't want to say too little nor too much. First there's too little. One man wanted to know if anybody was real because nobody replied. I looked at his profile. Every answer was 'prefer not to say' or 'tell you later'. A woman reading his profile would be asking herself, is he real? He did not have a single conversation opener. Nothing to make you say, 'He sounds interesting!' Nothing to make you remember him after scanning sixty profiles. Say something about your job and why you like it, or what you would like to do. And something about your leisure activities. Especially those for a first date. On the other hand, you can be in danger of saying too much. A successful women can get emails from introverts who say, in effect, 'You sound too educated for me,' or, 'You sound too bossy,' or, simply, 'I'm scared to meet you.' I think - what sort of man is he? He sees an interesting woman and writes to her that he is scared to meet. He has no confidence. No PR. He is warning her that he may never be courageous enough to meet, so she risks wasting time writing. Some men write aggressive emails. "You sound horrible." (So why did he bother to write?) Or challenging emails. Such as, 'Are you a gold-digger? Or, ''Why would a rich man like me want to meet you? Compliments should address the person. Not 'I love your picture' without saying anything about it. Nor 'I love your profile' without saying anything about it. You can pick anything: I love the hat. I like beards. Or a question, 'Where was that photo taken?' You should sound happy with the other person and willing to meet. What could stop you meeting or go wrong when you meet? Sometimes you click with somebody on the page. You manage to exchange phone numbers. I think the man should give his out first. It reassures the woman. And he should phone her. You are then on your way to a meeting. You are meeting on the phone.

Do you pass the photo test?

Do you pass the photo test? 1 A photo of any sort - to show willing. It should show you are sufficiently computer savvy to take a photo and load it up. Otherwise, the other person reasons, how are you going to get confident enough to actually phone and meet. If you have no kind of photo it suggests you will never give out a phone number nor meet. Show you are bright and savvy. 2 Photo of personality. Any woman on any dating site or even in possession of Skype or a mobile phone gets dozens of contacts from people who are scamming and saying 'Phone me' 'Contact me'. She does not know that you are not a scam trying to get her email or maybe even using a borrowed photo of a celebrity. Or you twenty years ago. She wants a current photo showing the real person. Show you are real. 3 A smile. Yes, a smile. Do I really want to spend even ten minutes talking to or listening to or meeting a person who frowns, scowls or is miserable. I want somebody who will cheer me up. 

You probably know the saying, 'Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone.' It's easy to forget this. A taxi driver once interrupted my complaint to say, "Lady - I've got problems of my own.' Nobody wants to see somebody scowling. I've rather have coffee with a jolly neighbour or watch TV. I would like to meet somebody bright, cheerful and smiling. 4 Hair.Young-looking hair. Yes, hair. Why would I swap a perfectly good man for somebody twenty years older or looking twenty years older? I know men go bald at 35. I might like a bald man. I might tolerate a bald man. But he would have to have everything else - looks, education, a job, money - at least evidence of being solvent, a smile.

This you can fix easily. If you don't have hair, you can wear a hat - not a baseball cap, but a hat.

Or dye hair black or brown.

Why not?

A man doesn't want a woman with grey hair. Why does he think a blonde woman wants a man who is grey and shabby?

If you want to be on the dole and out of work and out of dates stay there looking old and decrepit. You could take yourself to a barber or give yourself a makeover.

Imagine you are going to a job interview, competing with men ten years younger.

You are competing with younger men. Yes, women get emails from men ten years younger than you. Women over fifty get emails from students under 21 - some of them virgins!

Bald and grey suggests impotence and prostate trouble. Along with a heart by-pass. And hospital visits. 5 Rough beards - yuk!

I had a relationship founder because every time a man tried to kiss me it felt like a shoebrush.

If you look like a hedgehog you don't suggest cuddly.

Wash it with conditioner. Make sure it is not even more hair showing that you are grey and old and faded.

Even a soft beard would suggest lazy and self-centred and not presentable. 6 No pets in pictures

I haven't seen a site called dates with dogs. Or pet people. I think there is one. But I've had bridge games, outings and dinner dates cancelled, postponed or delayed by people who can't get a dog-sitter, dog ran in road, dog died, can't go on holiday, can't go away for weekend, dog died and kids are crying, dog can't be left alone, must go home early to feed dog, dog is lost on highway - dog in bed in threesome - dog must like you and you must like dog - trousers and shoes smell of dog pooh ...

Pets are great in zoos. Not on a first date. If you don't get a first date, you don't get a second. 

Dogs are a distraction to those who want to meet for coffee or dinner. 

And those who want to jump into bed.

Also leaves the delicate reader wondering if you really had something kinky and illegal in mind. And on that happy note I shall go back to my inbox and answer the one interesting. smiling man who sent me a photo. I remember him. (Leaving aside other emails and photos from people who wonder what they could have done to get noticed by a woman.) I hope this helps. I can't guarantee that if you follow this advice you will get answers from me or any other woman. But at least you know if you can pass the photo test.

Dates - Selling Yourself To Your Soulmate?

There is no need to sell yourself to those who have goodwill. I'd rather think of a date as a potential friend and if more develops be pleasantly surprised. A survey by one of the dating sites showed that those who meet their soulmate instantly are the exception. The average is 25 dates. 

So two people would have 50 dates. But that means that if some are meeting instantly, to have an average of 25 dates, if one person meets their soulmate on date one, another must meet their soulmate on date 49!

Some are meeting soulmates after one to five dates, which means others must need to meet up to 250 people!  That would be one a day for more than six months. Three a week for two years. One a week for four years. One a month for years and years ... (I'm not sure - mental maths is not my strongest suit. I have to check numbers on paper, twice.) 

You could aim for fewer, better people. But by being picky you might cut out those who have potential - smokers who are quitting, sick people who get cured, dog owners who don't replace the dog which died, bearded men who shave off their beard, fat people who go on diets, widows and divorcees who get over the setback, and so on. 

Some people think you should not go for quality but quantity, like talent shows. See many without making any rules. Endure lots of no-hopers. Plus those who failed first time around, who improved themselves and persisted in coming back better. Just waiting for the good one to turn up.

Therefore to expect every stranger you meet to be your soulmate means you are doomed to endless disappointment. (Some success comes to those who end up finding that a person who was just a friend turns into the soulmate several months or even years later. Even with heart-warming success rate of Friends Reunited - looking at it logically, these were people who missed out on getting together first time around. So just go out, without expecting too much, and make friends.  

Put plenty of effort into it - expect to get on really well, but don't expect to meet the 100% perfect person.  You need one or more common interests and a reasonable amount of goodwill to get on.