What effect does it have on the audience, the listener? One danger is that the listener feels left out, excluded, second best, no hope of competing. I've read profiles which say, with varying degrees of aggression - 'you must understand that my children come first'.
On the other hand it can strike you as rather flippant and disrespectful if you were to say something such as, 'The only person I really hate is my spouse,' or 'I came out to get away from the ogre at home'. For somebody sitting fantasizing about being your next spouse, it's not encouraging.
A safer bet might be, 'I've tried, but I've finally had to admit that we can't get things back together. But I think I've learned enough to get things right second time around.' Or, 'We were incompatible, but next time I think I'll be able to choose a partner with the right essential qualities.'
The three most helpful books I've found are:
a) The Art of Speed-reading People (Tiegger-Barron)
b) Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
c) The Five Love Languages.
Love languages are about how you express love, by giving material goods, services, or quality time.
Let's look at 'Barbra' who is married to a rich man called 'Johnny'. Johnny is a multi millionaire but he insists on eating in a pub to save money on Barbra's birthday. Barbra feels devalued. She feels that all their money might disappear overnight. She is not secure. She does not feel Johnny loves her.
Let's take the next situation. Johnny comes home and ignores her. They go out in jeans. When she wants to buy a lipstick he tells her that she doesn't need it because she already has one.
In a restaurant he might tell her that she's the prettiest woman or that she has the smartest clothes. But he doesn't take her hand or look her in the eye and smile. He looks round the room and appraises her coldly as if he's taking an inventory of his possessions.
She may go out out and buy a new designer blouse and hat in the hope of pleasing him. But he never gives her reassurance. If he complains, 'Why are you spending all my money?' she starts shopping in charity shops. But she can't stop buying. Because however much she buys, she still isn't getting his approval.
Diana started as a shy average weight girl in nondescript clothes. After she married Charles she starved herself, exercised, made herself sick, wore designer clothes, welcomed everybody, smiled at everybody, was as charming as she could be, but never got the attention of her husband. He was an introvert and did not want to praise her or see her getting praised. It did not make him feel proud. He did not want a trophy wife as a possession. He was already king. He wanted praise and attention.
The famous picture of Diana and Charles sitting side by side but almost back to back sums it up. Neither of them is admiring the other. Sometimes you see a photo of a proud man with a pretty young woman clinging to him and gazing at him hopefully. He has what he wants. A hanger-on. A woman to admire him.
You also read plaintive letters from widowers who are lost. Like Queen Victoria they could have any person in the world if they went out and looked or made the effort. But they only wanted one person. They are obsessed with one person. For the devoted slave, sometimes a second partner can do the same trick. Sometimes nobody else is found, or even sought.
They had a mutual admiration society. To my mind that is much better. Sometimes it starts one sided but ends up becoming a reciprocal arrangement. One devoted partner is so kind that the other person ends up reciprocating. One of the newsletters advising married couples how to improve their love life suggests that a husband or partner should aim to satisfy his wife three times and after that she will be so happy and grateful that she will gladly do almost anything he wants, within reason.
Gratitude - that's how a mother child relationship works. The mother gives unconditional undying love. She listens. And approves. She can be the poorest woman. Her son can be a heavyweight boxer, a millionaire, but he values her above anybody else.
Listen to grandmothers, too. They can't all have the brightest child in the class. But they all seem to think that they do.
If it works for mothers and grandmothers, it can also work for fathers, grandfathers, spouses - wives and husbands, and lovers. Romeo and Juliet. Darby and Joan. 'Til death do us part. Isn't that everybody's dream?
No comments:
Post a Comment