How To Be LikeThe Ideal Parent, Boss, Head Teacher, Spouse, Lover or Boyfriend

How To Be Like The Ideal Parent, Boss, Head Teacher or Lover or Boyfriend Controlling A Relationship

by Angela Lansbury

I fondly remember being in a decade-long relationship with a man who is alas now no longer around. I gleefully recall how he dealt with a situation where the telephone line went dead. I had allowed a discussion about a third party who had insulted one of us to the other to get out of hand.

I got annoyed with my friend who I thought was at fault. (Of course it was the third party's fault. We should have been a team against outside attack. Not siding with the enemy from without. Two against one. One of us with a stranger? No.)

The tension was too much for me to tolerate. I got so cross that I put the phone down.

I stared miserably at the phone. I had just ended a relationship of years. Over what? Something which could be forgotten tomorrow, or in a month's time. Probably a misunderstand. And where had he illwill started? Not from us. From an outsider who criticised one of us.

I had ruined everything. I did not see how I could retrieve the situation. Apologise? Risk getting rejected? Feel even worse?

But Mr Wonderful was totally in charge. The phone went again. He didn't make a drama. He was funny. He blamed me - but only for inattention. He assumed I simply had unshakeable goodwill towards him.

He didn't start again. He carried on from where we'd left off. "As I was saying, before we got interrupted - you got so excited you dropped the phone. Now listen to me, darling. This is what WE are going to do about it ..."

How could you or I or anybody else assume the control which he did?

As a parent of a child twenty year younger than yourself, you know you have an ongoing and probably lifelong relationship. You know you are in charge. It is up to you to not make a fuss about little things. To stop tantrums and arguments. To remain calm if the other partner makes a mistake. To restore goodwill if the other person loses their cool and move on without recriminations.

A headmistress (or master) is in the same position as mother (or father). She has a pupil for several years, and will be available out of hours, after school, in the evening, when on holiday if there’s a crisis, possibly for life. She I expected to keep calm and not get in a shouting match even if the other person starts it.

She may devote a long period to listen to somebody and their problems. But if necessary, she must break off to deal with her other responsibilities, and as a responsible person she has many, whilst assuring the child or adult needing help that she will come back to them.

How do I decide what to do? I think of myself as that responsible headmistress or parent. If your mother or father lost their temper, got upset, hostile, had rows, stopped speaking, was hurtful, or didn’t treat you in the way you would like to follow, then focus on your ideal parent. The one you would like to have had. How would the ideal mother or father deal with this situation? Do what they would do, and you will be calm, confident in charge, and have an unshakable relationship with some who will be devoted to you and trust you and admire.

Copyright Angela Lansbury

What Are You Looking For?

I'm looking for a man who won't ask this no-win question. I want him to tell me that I'm what he's looking for.
Maybe I should grin and tease, A man just like you - but more so!)

BEING TOO HONEST
Otherwise, whatever you say, he's likely to reply, 'We're looking for different things.'

How do you make it clear what you want or don't want whilst still sounding polite, friendly and welcoming?

How do you find out what the other person wants? Surely most men want instant free sex?

Whilst most women want to get married.

If either says that in a profile, on a first phone call, or before dessert on a date, the other party will be horrified, feel pressurised, and run away!

PROFILES
Surely you can tell from the profile? I am often told my perfect matches. I read thirty profiles. Twenty eight say, I just want NSA fun. I just shrug and click on.

I can't provide NSA fun to thirty men a day. I know every man in he UK, in the world, certainly on this site, wants NSA fun. That doesn't tell me anything interesting.

Any woman who had been on a dating site over a month will have had too many offers of instant sex. Admittedly women who are on the rebound and have just joined may be into that.

But they are soon overwhelmed with fly by night men, so many you can't remember one from another.

Any man who actually says what he does for a living, and s proud of his success, or what his hobbies are, immediately stands out.

The opposite platitudes are just as indistinguishable. Lonely widowers in outer islands who like walking hand in hand on the beach. (Is there somebody who doesn't?)

People looking for 'a good woman'. Does that mean: Cooks, cleans, barefoot and pregnant and down on the farm. I met a farmer. He thought I was too sophisticated.
I suppose that makes a change from the majority looking for a bad woman.

And people who tell you that they are normal or average. Nothing more exciting than a person who tells you they are average.

(They must mean they like football. So which football team do they support? Come on, out with it!)

That's marginally better than saying I'm not a maniac. Which puts into your head the idea that they might be.

HUMOUR ME
Do I presume that guys who say, 'I am a maniac' are maniacs?
Presumably some of them are guys who think they have a sense of humour.
They think that you will presume that all guys who say they are maniacs simply have a sense of humour.

Does that mean that guys who say they are normal are maniacs - with no sense of humour?

But I see some men try to have it both ways. They say either:

a) I'm looking for instant sex - but if Miss Right turned up I'd be delighted.
or

b) I'm looking for a soulmate.
But I wouldn't say no to a bit of fun.

Hm. What does that mean? That if I find my soulmate he's actually running around when I'm not looking? Or that he'll settle down.

BOYS & MEN
Yes, I know boys will be boys. ...
Don't they ever turn into men? Clothed men?
All those naked pictures. What do I think of? Chasing after a toddler trying to persuade him to grow up and put his clothes on so we can go out!

GO WITH THE FLOW
But all this 'let's go with the flow - see what happens' stuff can sound rather wishy washy, or furtive to a woman.

Or like there's a hidden agenda. A man who wants to offer me 'a few drinks - and see where it goes!' Sounds like he's trying to get me drunk.

I have visions of the sort of an unscrupulous man who is slipping drugs into drinks, or worse. I am suspicious.

But I might not voice these thoughts. I simply politely decline, 'No thanks. I already have an invitation to dinner.'

Warm Frank Extraverts And Cool Secretive Introverts

Warm Frank Extraverts And Cool Secretive Introverts

Cool people and warm people

Extraverts are often warm people. Warm people are happy to tell you all about themselves. They want to know all about you. They want to know, are you being honest with me. No secrets.

They happily tell you about their past relationships and current relationships. They think it’s okay to have lots of friends.

They feel that if you meet their friends they are safer, because the group always lets each member know what the others are doing.

They are joiners.

They love exchanging information.

They may want to know your age, and what you do in bed with other people.

At this point some warm, friendly people turn into cool people.

Introverts are often cool people.

Cool people are more cautious before they commit. They are suspicious of anybody who asks too many questions. They regard people who reveal too much as naïve and unreliable. They are suspicious of rivals, unreliable people from your past, your getting involved with anybody except them.

They don’t want to reveal their real name. They use their middle name or an alias or a nickname or a pen name or a business name. They don’t want to reveal their age. Their address. The shop where they buy their clothes. They don’t want to tell you the title of a reference book which reveals trade secrets or addresses or how to pass an exam.

HYBRIDS & FALSELY WARM

Some extraverts and warm people have invented a new ‘stage’ personality. They want to appear much more successful to get admiration and trust.

Or to seem much more of a victim. To get attention, sympathy and money.

Comics and comedians are jolly on stage, compensating for being frightened inside. So many clowns and comedians when they are out of work have lost the successful side which is bolstering them and giving them false confidence. Like Benny Hill, Hancock, and others, the clown out of work gets depressed or commits suicide. Manic depressive or slightly so – introvert and unfriendly off stage, in chat shows, when recognized by the public in the lift or a shop they turn unexpectedly aggressive.

They can’t maintain the funny, friendly person without the lines written by somebody else. They think their real self is being tracked, exposed. The funny on stage person, especially in drag, allows them to do things they would be afraid to do in real life because they think the frightening lurking parents or God in the Sky can’t see them. On stage behind a wig or play character or even in a poem or song they are somebody else. On stage they can be confident or even take revenge and commit murder. Then, without being blamed, or made to keep up the pretence, they can sink back into obscurity, un-noticed.

Let’s go back to the dating personality. The friend. The family member.

The introvert is afraid to speak.

A quiet neighbour declines to give a member of my/your family a reference. The neighbour’s excuse is ‘I don’t really know you/her/him’. Another chatty neighbour certainly knows my/your family. Maybe the man/woman who doesn’t really know my/your family is the introvert ‘private person’. They don’t want to know or be known.

Restaurant Invitations and Table Manners - Gracious Hosts

Why do some people just click with you, yet others jar? It's good to come across a few who are annoying. Makes you appreciate the real sweeties.

Let me tell you about some of the iffy ones. I've read profiles of or spoken to some men who claim to be very wealthy. You know that if they have lived all over the world and they are staying in a five star hotel and have a certain type of job and a house with four or more bedrooms and a large car and know the top places in almost any city you mention and spend their spare time playing golf they are not short of money and can probably put dinner on expenses.

Never mind what a man will do on date two. Most surveys say you have to date an average of about twenty to find your perfect match. Some couples are very lucky. Some people are less lucky.

But that means that you have to spend 19 out of 20 evenings with Mr not quite right. Nineteen times out of twenty it is not a perfect match. So you have to make the best of the activity or surroundings to give your first date the best chance of success.

I put a lot of effort into looking nice on a date. I think most women do. So we want men to have also put in some effort.

Obviously personality type and where you work has something to do with it. One friend suggested to me that Italian men are more likely than the British to take pride in being well-groomed, whatever their income.

Yet along comes a man who is short of time but has loads of money. He only wants to invite women out for a date to a pub or for cup of coffee. A pair of new tights is going to cost her more than the cup of coffee. And her income is less than his so she is spending proportionally more.

Sometimes the upmarket man's email or phone call is full of challenging words, "Why would a man like me want a woman like you?"

Maybe I'm just being over sensitive. Perhaps that a perfectly reasonable question?

No. I prefer the man who says, 'I'm a great cook, I love in a pleasant modern / traditional house in the heart of the city / countryside.'

He should then enthuse about her and ask, 'Do tell me more about yourself.' As if he is interested. Not as if he is a bouncer on the door suspiciously checking the ID of a gatecrasher.

Of course this applies to women, too.

He should also love his job. And have a great place he'd love to take you. Or be willing to find a great place nearer the woman so she doesn't have to travel.

If she's coming by car, he should be sure she can park somewhere safe. He should offer her options. Would you prefer A or B?

What about the sort of approach which I feel creates the wrong impression?

'If we get along ...,' they say, 'I'll do this, I'll do that.'

No 'ifs'. No promises which are destined to leave 19 out of women disappointed.

Wait and see. Don't make promises you can't keep.

After the man has established that the woman still likes him - despite the medical problem he never mentioned, then he can make offers.

Or he says, 'That'll come later.'

Just a minute. There are ten women to every man on this site. I might not want to meet him again. I'm only interested in this date. If he doesn't impress me on date one, he doesn't get a second date.

What does he get aggressive at any mention of meeting of meeting for a meal. 'Are you a gold-digger?' he demands. What can one say to that?

On the other hand a dear little taxi driver is nearly in tears because he feels he is not good enough when I turn up looking glamorous and sweet at the pub or fish and chip shop. Which I've suggested, having got a clue about what I think is his modest budget and usual style of a grand date.

I can only conclude that either:

a) The men claiming to be wealthy have so many offers they can go on forever persuading desperate women to do anything for a cup of coffee and a dream.

b) They are mean. So mean that - that's why their wife left them.

I have a couple of friends like that. One wife complained she wanted to take their daughter to a tennis / chess competition which involved the cost of travel. Her husband didn't want to pay. He owned a block of flats! He was happy to spend money on what he wanted. But not on his wife and children.

So, back to the dating scene. Most women of means and a 'polite' professional background will feel insulted by confrontational language. The way of treating people like teasing a dog with a bone on a string just out of reach.

So the only people men like that will meet are the gold-diggers.

Also they are programming the listener. It's basic NLP and child-raising. If you keep telling other people they have ulterior motives, that's how they turn out.

I move on. I look for somebody who wants to be part of a team. That was what my beloved parents had lifelong and what so many are missing today.

So what am I doing in this post? I don't want you to be like the man I've just described to be mean.

If you go on about debts, and what you would do IF ONLY you had the money, really the woman doesn't want to know. She wants to think that you are offering her the best you can afford and that it's going to be fun, fun, fun.

No point in insisting on meeting for coffee in a pub and then moaning about the seediness of the pub and how you need to leave because the drunks are getting loud and coming in your direction (happened to me in the pub last night - not on a date, in a group).

So let me end by telling you what I'm looking for and recommending. The man who books a restaurant or cute coffee shop. And is positive about the venue. '.You will love it.' (Never mind the smarter place that would be loved by some fictional woman he might entertain next week.)

I love it if he stands up when I walk in. While he's up he can ask if I'd prefer another table. If we go to one of my favourite restaurants, the waiter might ask if we'd prefer another table. The dinner date man should be playing host. You don't want her falling in love with the waiter who is giving her all the attention, offering another table, pulling out her chair, discussing the drink, discussing the menu. That's a neutral topic the couple should be discussing together.

Is the menu an excuse for a confrontation? A round of grievances and bad memories?

Or a chance to share information? Mutual joy? Anticipation? Even sharing.

That's another good reason for a restaurant meal. I can remember the first meals I shared with the important men in my life. All the good things. The eye contact. The exchange of glances. The assurances.

He dresses in his smartest outfit. Helps pull out the chair, tuck in my dress - a chance to get tactile there - very subtly.

Doesn't just tell me to 'come as you are'. But gets all excited at the thought of the outfit I've promised to wear.

Has brought something for me. Doesn't have to be Could be something to show me from the internet. Anything which shows thought and planning. Asks me what I want to drink as soon as I arrive and orders on my behalf.

I shouldn't have to order or myself and be left wondering what he's eating and drinking and whether I'm in budget. Generally if he opts for the cheapest option I'll avoid the most expensive one. If he's only drinking one glass, me too.

The perfect evening is when we are in total harmony.

But let me move onto the sort of evening I enjoy. Next post.

I believe you start as you mean to go on.

What do you think?

Programmers - think of overseas readers - readers - complain!

I am constantly having trouble with sites which want me to choose a US state for my location.

This is a real nuisance. I'm currently typing this in the UK. I've also lived in the Far East. And a relative of mine is working in Europe for a few months. He might want to order goods from there. I might want to send him a birthday present.

When it comes to dating sites it is even more imperative to have your whole site co-ordinated. Often if you don't fill in a US state the whole system crashes and you can't just retype that page, you have to start all over again - a real waste of time.

The internet is worldwide and on the day I create this post I'm in London, in the UK. It would be helpful to have 'other' under location. I put Maryland because that's where I used to live and in case the system won't let me comment unless I chose a US state and city.

Dating sites often insist that I chose a US state in searches. They allow me to register as being in the UK. Yet I can't search for anybody in the UK. Ridiculous.

Because up come 15 pages of people around the world. I have to read three pages of people before finding one in the UK.

I might end up being listed as living in the USA, although elsewhere in their system the questionnaire allows you to choose from a long list of countries anywhere in the world.

So the UK readers will ignore me because they think I am in the USA. If they find me listed as living in one place on one part of the site, but living elsewhere on another part of the site, what do they assume? They might think I am half-witted. Or lying. By the time they realise that the site has a page which insists that I pick a US state, they have lost my profile.

Often the comment and contact systems won't let you tell them about this problem. You can only ask or comment or report if you have on of their chosen list of subjects such as another member being abusive.

Occasionally I type in a comment in a space for other on another subject entirely
If you are a reader, please comment on this whenever you find a system which makes you choose USA. The sites take your money and want your business and more readers or participants.

I don't know whether the programmers don't have the time or are juniors in their first job or simply haven't noticed that they have provision for overseas readers on one page but not another.

If you do page setups, perhaps you can explain to me why this happens.

I might be happy to have a pen-pal on the opposite side of the world. I might be happy to meet somebody travelling to my current location.

However, I want a dinner date or a steady boyfriend in the same coutnry. What's more, if I contact people in other countries, a high proportion of them will write back and say I sound delightful but even if I would be willing to locate, they want a local relationship.

They are looking for a date this weekend. Not somebody who will be writing for six months. Besides, by that time one of us may have found somebody else.

If you or the other members are looking for a local relationship, being matched with somebody in the same country in your first search is enormously helpful.

HOW MUCH HONESTY IS SAFE ON LINE?

Honesty. Yes. It's the basis of American and Christian society. We blame those we dislike for being dishonest.
Let's look at this closer.

NEVER TELL A LIE?

a1) SAINTS. HONESTY IS MY VIRTUE. LOVE THE WORLD.American Christian. George Washington. Politician. Son. Learned from parents. To be trusted.They are so straightforward that you instinctively respond. You know they won't judge you for being the wrong age, religion, or anything else. They say who they are. Without thinking about it, you immediately say who you are. They give you their home phone number, work phone, website and show you identity when they meet you to reassure you that you can trust them.
The opposite end of the spectrum is:

a2) JUDGERS
He works as a headmaster, teacher, psychoanalyst, judge, policeman, voluntary worker in a hospital or prison, or a magistrate. He is used to demanding the truth from other but is never obliged, for security reasons, to give out his own personal details.

You have a hard job convincing him that you, too, have to consider your security and not just give out your personal details to a stranger who won't give out his.

He should not be trying to persuade you to do so on a first date. Unless he has a second date, you don't know that he has serious intentions. If he doesn't, no need to give out information.

Not only that, he should not be programming a woman to give out information. If she tells him her details and gets into his car on the first date, and all goes well, she will be more inclined to do so with her next encounter. Next time if she's not so lucky ...

Extreme type of caution for others:I've had people get irate because I gave them a phone number, and give me warnings.

They have said, 'How can you be so careless? Never mind that you trust me. You should not trust anybody! I shall destroy it immediately. You have no sense of security! I can't trust you with my details. You're not safe to meet!'

b) ESCAPEES. LYING IS MY PROTECTION
Romany tradtion is just one example - always tell lies. To strangers. In the culture. For self-protection. (Read Bury Me Standing.)

Evasive. Never live in one place. Don't want to be caught.
Eternal students. Multiple spouses. Remember the song: 'All my exes live in Texas, that's why I hang my hat in Tennessee?

They don't just have on on-line nickname. They have three or more names for their different jobs, on assorted business cards with different names and addresses, most of which are their cousins and places where they don't live any more. Loads of funny stories about how ex-wives and landlords came round at night and how they got out of the back window. Don't call them because they are about to move on.

c) INTERROGATORS. TELL ME OR ELSE!
They expect others to be honest immediately on line. Demand to know your real age and birth date. I rate these as controlling types.

Some want to know all about you whilst telling nothing about themselves.

Others are garrulous, incautious, careless, indiscreet - tell you more about their sex life with their spouse, their finances, their health, the other women they are talking about, names of every person they've met in 50 years, far more than you need to know.

Sneaky stalkers:
Their Question: Tell me your birth date because I need to know your zodiac sign to know whether we are compatible.
My answer: I already know we are not compatible.

d) GENTLEMEN. They say, 'YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME ...'
Polite subtle detectives. They get clues as to your age from the age of your children, what you remember, your tastes in music.

Generally kind and discreet. Learn as much as they need to know. Don't tell much. Don't ask much. But you feel they are reliable.

e) TIMID HIDERS
Never want to reveal anything. Too scared. Don't want to hear your details. Might expose you. Or them. Supposing they got asked about you! Could land them in trouble.

You might demand reciprocation. Best not.

f) SNAILS
They say: 'Okay, today, I'll tell you my first name. Tomorrow I'll tell you my phone number. The next day I'll tell you what I do for a living. The day after that ... In a year's time, when we really trust each other, we might meet.

(They are ever so surprised to learn that after a month of this going nowhere stuff, you've got tired of watching TV and went out and dated somebody else - and actually told them in the hope that it would jolt them into some action.)

Which types have you met?
Have any of your phone calls or dates had nasty moments because you said too much or too little? How would you advise others?

Did the other person lie? Show the wrong photo? What was their excuse? Was it inexcusable?

Did you do anything to conceal your identity? Do you feel you were justified?

Make Every Day Valentine's Day

It's in the interests of restaurants to sell high price meals on Valentine's day and newspapers to carry ads promoting it, and to run columns the week after making everybody feel guilty so that you can be sure of selling high priced meals and advertising space next year.

I am suggesting a consumer revolution. That as many people as possible buy the bunches of flowers reduced to half price in the supermarkets the next day.

Or we could have a second Valentine's Day, like boxing day, so that secretaries and people who don't warrant the money or emotional commitment can be given a little fun, without sexual overtones, and feel appreciated. I'm sure the restaurants will go for this.

Second night you get a glass of champagne, not a bottle, or a sparkling wine, not champagne, and they get to use their decorations a second night. Or do it like Christmas, make Valentine's week. Dinners all week. That way you can hardly avoid it.

Or, like Christmas, they can run a second Valentine's menu alongside the ordinary one as an option. Why haven't I, yet, written to the men in my life to say, 'Where Were You?' I should have I written to say, 'You'd better turn up with a rose between your teeth, a bottle of champagne and a box of chocolates next time you see me.'

Frankly, I'm prepared to provide the champagne myself. It's sitting on the shelf doing nothing. I get cheap bottles of wine from clubs which claim they don't have a budget for speakers. All I need is the man to pretend he's an adoring lover.

Is this going to be the year when Valentine's Day was blank for you? Can we redeem the situation?Millions of women didn't get invited out to dinner on Valentine's Day.

Or they went to the poetry club where everybody read Valentine's Day poetry.(The club should have had champagne and roses.)

There must be loads of clubs and meetings which fell on Valentine's Day, so that the chairman and secretary had to turn up. And loads of women whose husbands and boyfriends forgot and then didn't know how to make amends.

The man was overseas, or working late. Or busy with his wife, didn't realise until the day after, thought he'd be entertaining Suzie who went off with a man who made a better offer, whatever.

Or the lady might have half a dozen admirers who think she must be busy that day. (She pretends she is.) They'd like to take her out later.

Or they may think that Valentine's day is not just a financial commitment but an emotional commitment. Only for people who are about to get married and gives the impression you are already engaged.

They'd rather invite out a blind date and play at romancing, without looking like they are desperate.

What do you say to all those people who ask you what you did on Valentine's Day? Wouldn't you rather say, 'I was busy working, had a meeting.'

I'm sure lots of girls would rather have a romantic dinner with a glass of champagne and a card saying 'I adore you', or 'most beautiful girl in the world', plus a red rose, from somebody she loves, or even an acquaintance, the day after Valentine's.

Rather than spend all week reading those newspaper columns saying half the world sat at home wondering why the weren't popular last Tuesday. Advising on running on a treadmill so you don't feel suicidal.

So how can you offer a romantic post-Valentine's dinner without sounding like a cheapskate? Or that the woman is a second best afterthought?

I'm sure I'd have been delighted if either of the two (or more) great loves in my life had said, 'Sorry I couldn't see you on Valentine's Day. I'll make it up to you by taking you out for a very special dinner this weekend / week.'

Could the conversation go differently? You say either:
a) I want to take you out on Valentine's day for a romantic dinner. But the best restaurants are booked up and seem to have a set menu. Would you rather go out on the day, or shall we treat the another day that week as Valentine's day and I'll use the money I've saved to buy you some little goodies.

At this point I ask, 'What sort of little goodies?' By this time I'm sold on the idea.

Maybe not. I supposed this is really for couples who are married and living together and have a joint budget.

The trouble is once you've offered the little goodies, if I opt for the real day, I'm still hoping for the goodies. You could say, 'Would you rather have dinner and a rose on Tuesday? Or dinner on Wednesday - and with what I've saved I can afford whole bunch of roses.

Of course, I may suspect you are two-timing and taking somebody else out on the day, giving me second choice date. Or you say: 'I'm busy at work on Tuesday, (or whatever day it is). I'll send you a card/email on Tuesday, and I can take you out to dinner Thursday, or Friday, whichever you prefer.'

Look here, let's get to the point. I'm a romantic looking for a romantic. If anybody wants to take me out to a champagne dinner and give me a card and a rose, (and if you are feeling generous and hoping to get lucky, a sterling silver charm bracelet at under a tenner from any chain store jeweller in the UK, or any shopping mall cart basement level in the Far East, or any airport duty free rack) any day of the year is fine by me.

Maybe what I need is a rich submissive. Then I needn't wait. I can tell him what to do for me next Valentine's Day. Or any day next week. Any offers?