I have a fantasy involving a school. But I ran into a problem with a man who experienced something similar in real life. Unfortunately my fantasy simply reminds him of an unpleasant and in his words 'violent' experience.
He does not enjoy the image of the people or place involved. The memories evoked are a distraction from an erotic image or conversation.
So how can I adapt my fantasy to suit him?
Changed Fantasy
I've thought of a few ideas. A runaway caught on train. Summerhouse in woods.
I also have my limits. Anything too violent or dangerous or involving too much in the way of restraint evokes images of sickness and misery and real life danger, whether medieval or modern.
That sends me into flight mode. I don't stay in a story about submitting to a superior being. I'm imagining a scene about a prisoner trying to escape. I'm into 'How do I get out of here? Away from this person?'
Or I'm moved into nurse mode - planning taking precautions like a health and safety inspector. Or protective mother role, like I would be with my children, or a younger gay person going out to a bar: 'Be careful dear. Mind how your cross the road. Don't let any stranger hurt you or imprison you.'
A fantasy or role play involving certain images won't turn me on. To me it is boring. Not erotic.
Everyday Distraction
And using my household equipment such as dining chairs, dining tables and sofas doesn't appeal to me either. With a dining chair I would be totally distracted by worries about breaking the chair. Or falling and hurting myself.
With a living room chair I'd be concerned about spoiling the upholstery with body fluids. And damaging the furniture's fabric and wood or leather with a cane.
Even thinking about it now, you see, my mind is wandering off the erotic fantasy into this practical distraction.
Your Responsibility
Have you had a problem where your fantasy evoked the wrong images for the other person?
That's why I never feel that the 'you must do anything I say' scenario would ever work for me. I do not feel it is fair to say that to any partner, even and especially when dealing with a submissive.
Limits
How do you get a person to go along with an erotic conversation, meeting or relationship? A scene has to be fun for both parties.
When dealing with a stranger, you don't know their limits. Everybody has things they don't enjoy. If you meet a barrier in their brain, first you have to find the elements they don't like and remove them.
Then find the elements they do like. Move the elements and the listener into a new scenario. For variety. Or surprise.
Surely what you want outside a scene is for the other person in real life to smile whenever they see you?
Depression
You don't want the other person to be depressed or even suicidal. A woman who is severely submissive and keen to do anything you want might have serious abuse in her history or have been raped and you risk triggering off alarm bells.
One of my readers says in his profile that he is on anti-depressants. He also says he wants role play as a catharsis. I start trying to analyze what makes him tick. The solution to his problems in one scene, and the whole of his life.
Sometimes the onlooker sees most of the game. The dominant or in charge partner may have to be like a real life doctor or headmaster, looking after the psychology of the person in their care.
Controlling, caring, healing
Your mind and hands can heal.
Programming
You must also ask yourself how you are programming the other person. If you are with another person 24/7 you could persuade them to never act in the same way with anybody else.
But if you are persuading a person to do anything you say, you are exposing them to danger when they deal with other people from this site and in the outside world.
You could be healing them. Sending them out confident and happy.
Teamwork and Adapting
Especially when dealing with switches and submissives, you have to be able to come out of a scene. That includes when it simply isn't working for the other person.
Looking at what I've written, so far I've been too negative. Maybe I just need a glass of water. Perhaps I need to use positive words.
I have to work on myself the writer. Also on the reader. First please myself, re-reading what I've written and feeling good about it. Then making you happy and confident.
This is the trick. To look for all the things which are good. Fun. Things which make the other person say, 'Hm - that sounds fun!'
Which implements or toys excite them? Where were their worst and best experiences? The most erotic? What have they not tried? What would they like to try?
Profile Clues
It's all there in the profile. So all I need to do is read the profile, and put their favourite elements into a fantasy. It's so simple, I can't think why I've never tried that before.
But do they really want those listed elements in a whispered fantasy? Oddly enough, I've read lots of profiles in which people say that their fantasies are waterfalls and alleyways but I've never had a phone fantasy about these.
Maybe it's because I stop anybody with a sordid scenario.
Why haven't I met enough romantics for waterfall fantasies? Or are there not enough people who have actually had romantic encounters at waterfalls?
People honeymoon at Niagara. But mostly you are fully clothed or even in protective clothing, surrounded by crowds of people, being moved on by others with cameras.
Control in Conversation
If you don't have the profile fantasy in front of you on the computer screen when you talk on the phone, or read it before going to a meeting, or written up on a card index card you can read at home, or on the train, then what?
Just ask. Who, what, when, where and why. Who are the two characters? 'What are your favourite props?' What is he wearing? What is she wearing? Is it the past or present or future? Should I outline the story passively, or actively? Shall I describe it or act it out? Reported speech or direct speech?
Creating and adapting a fantasy is a test of your control over your life, life in general, their life, their fantasy, their relationship with you.
Your Fun Feedback and Clever Comments
You may have seen plays in which a woman's visiting lover turns out to be her husband. Or the master and servant swap roles. Or the judge and prisoner. Or the queen and the prostitute. The man and the woman. The husband and wife.
So, over to you. Any comments how to adapt my original scene? Or problems you've had? Did you resolve them? Had any good or bad or changed fantasies for phone sex? And whispered stories for mutual exctiement? And acting out fantasies in role play when together?
Friday, December 21, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Cancelled Coffee
A girl complained that a man arranged to meet her for coffee and then cancelled.
My view is that if all he had offered her was coffee he was not that interested. Especially on a first date.
Inviting a woman for coffee just to have a look - there's a hig chance that one party will walk out. They are not that committed.
But she had been seeing him for a fortnight and he could not afford dinner every night.
Did he regard meeting his male friends as more important than with her?
Most advisers would say she should make it clear she does not like having her evenings cancelled.
But what if he is unwilling to commit. Because he has another tentative arrangement and doesn't want to risk disappointing her?
If he tells her this from the start, that he has a prior engagement which might fall through, and ask if she is willing to make a last mintue arrangement.
I think meeting for a coffee is always likely to be cancelled and should only be arranged at the last minute. If you book an evening for dinner or to see a film you have to book with the restaurant or film company and will lose your money or your ability to get them to accept bookings in future.
Dates are the same. Arrange to do something serious and you are more likely to take the whole arrangement seriously.
My view is that if all he had offered her was coffee he was not that interested. Especially on a first date.
Inviting a woman for coffee just to have a look - there's a hig chance that one party will walk out. They are not that committed.
But she had been seeing him for a fortnight and he could not afford dinner every night.
Did he regard meeting his male friends as more important than with her?
Most advisers would say she should make it clear she does not like having her evenings cancelled.
But what if he is unwilling to commit. Because he has another tentative arrangement and doesn't want to risk disappointing her?
If he tells her this from the start, that he has a prior engagement which might fall through, and ask if she is willing to make a last mintue arrangement.
I think meeting for a coffee is always likely to be cancelled and should only be arranged at the last minute. If you book an evening for dinner or to see a film you have to book with the restaurant or film company and will lose your money or your ability to get them to accept bookings in future.
Dates are the same. Arrange to do something serious and you are more likely to take the whole arrangement seriously.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Thinking Positively About Daily Troubles
Thinking Positively About Daily Troubles
I've read two blogs by somebody else and enjoyed them and here is my two cents worth. One email complains that he will never get together with a long-distance emailing lady, then the next complains about a series of work-related problems, starting with a flat battery, and his being cross becase mother his mother says I warned you to get a service - I told you so.
First he is sighing because he has a great email relationship with somebody who lives too far away.
1 A really good emailing relationship is a treasure. Much better than one liners, insults, people you don't have anything in common with. You've found a soulmate. Lovely.
2 If you met too soon, you might lose that.
3 To be sure you like the look of each other you need to go on cam and speak.
You should be looking nearer home for something long-term.
Now, his second blog. He's had a bad day. This is where his email lady comes in. She's his confidante. I told him:
She's your support for when you've had a hard day. Unlike your mother, your email friend doesn't need to get so anxious because she's not too close, physically or mentally. And that's partly why you like her, because she's calm and supportive.
Regarding his mother, I have to say she was right, that a stitch in time saves nine. Getting a car or truck serviced is not superstition, it's common sense. If you have a mother who cares. That's lovely.
Some people like me don't have a mother. Mine died.
Just hold onto that thought. There are irritations in life and there are tragedies. Enjoy life and think of the irritations as learning experiences. Don't look at the minuses, look at the pluses.
They say that if you want a friend you have to be a friend. If a man is missing a long term partner, maybe he has to think about committing, or being the strong, confident, happy person who a woman feels she can rely on to support her through life's troubles.
And instead of getting angry at mother, he should have told her how much he appreciates her advice, and how he should have listened to her because she is always right.
Poor mother. She tried to help him. All he did was get irritated. She cares for him.
I don't even know him and I care for him and his mother. I'm looking at his life and mine and thinking what lessons I can learn.
I know what I want most from life. A man who is calm and supportive in one's daily troubles. Can I be the same for him? I will try.
I've read two blogs by somebody else and enjoyed them and here is my two cents worth. One email complains that he will never get together with a long-distance emailing lady, then the next complains about a series of work-related problems, starting with a flat battery, and his being cross becase mother his mother says I warned you to get a service - I told you so.
First he is sighing because he has a great email relationship with somebody who lives too far away.
1 A really good emailing relationship is a treasure. Much better than one liners, insults, people you don't have anything in common with. You've found a soulmate. Lovely.
2 If you met too soon, you might lose that.
3 To be sure you like the look of each other you need to go on cam and speak.
You should be looking nearer home for something long-term.
Now, his second blog. He's had a bad day. This is where his email lady comes in. She's his confidante. I told him:
She's your support for when you've had a hard day. Unlike your mother, your email friend doesn't need to get so anxious because she's not too close, physically or mentally. And that's partly why you like her, because she's calm and supportive.
Regarding his mother, I have to say she was right, that a stitch in time saves nine. Getting a car or truck serviced is not superstition, it's common sense. If you have a mother who cares. That's lovely.
Some people like me don't have a mother. Mine died.
Just hold onto that thought. There are irritations in life and there are tragedies. Enjoy life and think of the irritations as learning experiences. Don't look at the minuses, look at the pluses.
They say that if you want a friend you have to be a friend. If a man is missing a long term partner, maybe he has to think about committing, or being the strong, confident, happy person who a woman feels she can rely on to support her through life's troubles.
And instead of getting angry at mother, he should have told her how much he appreciates her advice, and how he should have listened to her because she is always right.
Poor mother. She tried to help him. All he did was get irritated. She cares for him.
I don't even know him and I care for him and his mother. I'm looking at his life and mine and thinking what lessons I can learn.
I know what I want most from life. A man who is calm and supportive in one's daily troubles. Can I be the same for him? I will try.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
FLIRTING & NETWORKING
I looked at the newsletter of marketing adviser Ilse Benun.
She started a discuss on networking and flirting. Women had asked her how not to convey the impression that they were flirting.
She admitted that she flirted and that she did business more successfuly with men.
I looked at a picture of another person, Colleen. Her picture said flirting all over it.
1 First the sexy smile. Not quite face-on but coquettishly slightly sideways to imply 'chase me'.
2 The glasses slightly down the nose so the eyes are at the top.
3 The dimpled lines created by the self-conscious pursed lips.
4 The clincher is the open-neck shirt. For business you wear a buttoned up shirt. Opening it almost down to the bust is a come-on.
5 An open-neck shirt is also very friendly. It says I'm casual and easy-going, which combined with the smile ...
As Shakespeare said of Lady Macbeth: 'Methinks the lady doth protest too much.'
I also liked the tip about how to flirt. When you look at a man's wedding ring and ask, 'Do you have a girlfriend?' that's a leading question.
But if you ask if he has children that's more neutral.
I have the opposite problem. I want to get dates. How do I find the one available man at a conference and convey that I'm fascinated by his business because he's a successful man and I fancy him?
I want to hint that after this cocktail party ends, why doesn't he ask me out to dinner?
How do I tell him that I'm successful and solvent and want to go into business with him - and more?
As the song in the musical Avenue Q says: 'It's a fine, fine line.'
She started a discuss on networking and flirting. Women had asked her how not to convey the impression that they were flirting.
She admitted that she flirted and that she did business more successfuly with men.
I looked at a picture of another person, Colleen. Her picture said flirting all over it.
1 First the sexy smile. Not quite face-on but coquettishly slightly sideways to imply 'chase me'.
2 The glasses slightly down the nose so the eyes are at the top.
3 The dimpled lines created by the self-conscious pursed lips.
4 The clincher is the open-neck shirt. For business you wear a buttoned up shirt. Opening it almost down to the bust is a come-on.
5 An open-neck shirt is also very friendly. It says I'm casual and easy-going, which combined with the smile ...
As Shakespeare said of Lady Macbeth: 'Methinks the lady doth protest too much.'
I also liked the tip about how to flirt. When you look at a man's wedding ring and ask, 'Do you have a girlfriend?' that's a leading question.
But if you ask if he has children that's more neutral.
I have the opposite problem. I want to get dates. How do I find the one available man at a conference and convey that I'm fascinated by his business because he's a successful man and I fancy him?
I want to hint that after this cocktail party ends, why doesn't he ask me out to dinner?
How do I tell him that I'm successful and solvent and want to go into business with him - and more?
As the song in the musical Avenue Q says: 'It's a fine, fine line.'
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Better Safe Than Sorry - Lessons From Perugia
FASCINATION & INVOLVEMENT
Worldwide interest is on the dreadful murder in Italy of Meredith Kercher. Citizens of three or more countries are involved. A young student living overseas, who should have been having fun, and had all her life ahead of her, has lost her life. What can we learn from this?
WORRY
I keep telling myself to stop thinking and worrying about this. It's not my problem, only one of thousands of murders and deaths every day. It's not in my country. Nobody I know is involved. The situation is not one that I can change or help. There are not even any lessons to be learned. Or are there?
Why does this drama hold the attention of the rest of the world? Cautionary tale?
There but for the grace of god go I? Reminder of how much better off we are than we think we are when stressed out?
The mystery element makes you keep turning over the facts, as if by analyzing it, just one more time, you will be able to say that this must have happened or that must have happened. As if you could work out whether this person must have been guilty therefore another person must have been innocent, or maybe an accessory after he fact protecting a guilty party.
An unsettling element is questioning one's ability to judge character and predict events. As is so often the case, whether it's a massacre, a suicide bomber, or a single slaying, all the families come forward and say but my son or daughter must be innocent - they could not have done it.
So what do we conclude? That nobody can ever guess? That friends and family cannot tell?
So you cannot trust anybody, not even your family? Not your flatmate? Not your boyfriend or girlfriend? Not your spouse? Not your son or daughter?
PEER PRESSURE
Or should we reach another conclusion? Any young person can easily be persuaded that it's okay to kill themselves and somebody else?
DRUGS
Do drugs make you forget what you've done? People in court claim that drugs make them remember nothing about where they were, who they were with, or what happened. Under the influence you could not have attacked anybody else? Nor defended them!
ACCIDENTS
Many people in court under suspicion of murder claim that they committed manslaughter, not murder. They say that they only meant to frighten somebody, not to kill them. If that's true, our education system is at fault. We needed classes in both survival - meaning self-protection, plus self-restraint and safeguarding others.
Sometimes it looks like a genuine accident. But more often a bystander can see 'an accident waiting to happen', because people play with weapons or play fight.
DANGER
Excitement comes from the element of danger, of a power struggle, or the triumph of winning.
Elements of danger are normally present with any compression of the neck, and carrying or using knives and guns. Danger to yourself and others.
Being a victim is one danger. Being a witness is another danger.
Committing a crime and regretting it is one danger. Getting caught is another danger.
Being in the vicinity of somebody else and being accidentally mistakenly - or deliberately - blamed by police is another. Being blamed by somebody else trying to shift the blame from themselves to you is yet another danger.
We have a case in the UK of a boy playing with a gun who killed his sister. At least one person in the US has been killed by a gun which was loaded when the person holding it didn't realize or didn't know it would go off.
At least one case in the USA and another in England of people shooting themselves in the foot with their own gun.
Surely common sense and caution tells you to check a gun is loaded? And what about somebody holding a knife to somebody else's neck just to frighten them?
PRECAUTIONS
What precautions do you take? Do you lock your bedroom door at night, even when flatmates are about? Do you avoid people who are high on drugs? Do you take care not to play games with people who are drugged or drunk?
Should one avoid threesomes - the commonest fantasy of men and women, according to one survey.
Or should one just shrug? Usually after a well-publicized incident there are calls for changes in the law to prevent it happening again.
Insurance companies don't take a fatalistic attitude. They require you to set up locks and fire alarms and sprinklers.
Societies set up to prevent accidents at work and home and on the roads attempt to find causes and then prevent the events being repeated. In the UK we have had many knifings and now legislation has got tougher on the carrying of knives.
Airlines also don't allow any excuse. No knives. That's it. They stop you taking knives in your hand luggage or pockets.
Laws and rules have stopped youngsters from buying knives. And from taking them into school. What more can be done?
PS Looking at the news stories again two things stand out, drugs and consent. Drugs should not have been clouding common sense. Consent should have been obtained.
For safety:
1 Don't mix drugs and sex
2 All parties must consent at all times - this includes agreeing in advance and being allowed to change their minds if the situation changes and they are no longer
3 You have to care about somebody when you have sex with them or play any games.
4 They have to care about you, not just fancy having sex with you, care about you and your wellbeing. This means either caring about you specifically. You must allow time for this feeling to grow.
Or they must be the sort of person who cares about anybody and everybody. A nurturer. Again, you need time to know their personality.
Worldwide interest is on the dreadful murder in Italy of Meredith Kercher. Citizens of three or more countries are involved. A young student living overseas, who should have been having fun, and had all her life ahead of her, has lost her life. What can we learn from this?
WORRY
I keep telling myself to stop thinking and worrying about this. It's not my problem, only one of thousands of murders and deaths every day. It's not in my country. Nobody I know is involved. The situation is not one that I can change or help. There are not even any lessons to be learned. Or are there?
Why does this drama hold the attention of the rest of the world? Cautionary tale?
There but for the grace of god go I? Reminder of how much better off we are than we think we are when stressed out?
The mystery element makes you keep turning over the facts, as if by analyzing it, just one more time, you will be able to say that this must have happened or that must have happened. As if you could work out whether this person must have been guilty therefore another person must have been innocent, or maybe an accessory after he fact protecting a guilty party.
An unsettling element is questioning one's ability to judge character and predict events. As is so often the case, whether it's a massacre, a suicide bomber, or a single slaying, all the families come forward and say but my son or daughter must be innocent - they could not have done it.
So what do we conclude? That nobody can ever guess? That friends and family cannot tell?
So you cannot trust anybody, not even your family? Not your flatmate? Not your boyfriend or girlfriend? Not your spouse? Not your son or daughter?
PEER PRESSURE
Or should we reach another conclusion? Any young person can easily be persuaded that it's okay to kill themselves and somebody else?
DRUGS
Do drugs make you forget what you've done? People in court claim that drugs make them remember nothing about where they were, who they were with, or what happened. Under the influence you could not have attacked anybody else? Nor defended them!
ACCIDENTS
Many people in court under suspicion of murder claim that they committed manslaughter, not murder. They say that they only meant to frighten somebody, not to kill them. If that's true, our education system is at fault. We needed classes in both survival - meaning self-protection, plus self-restraint and safeguarding others.
Sometimes it looks like a genuine accident. But more often a bystander can see 'an accident waiting to happen', because people play with weapons or play fight.
DANGER
Excitement comes from the element of danger, of a power struggle, or the triumph of winning.
Elements of danger are normally present with any compression of the neck, and carrying or using knives and guns. Danger to yourself and others.
Being a victim is one danger. Being a witness is another danger.
Committing a crime and regretting it is one danger. Getting caught is another danger.
Being in the vicinity of somebody else and being accidentally mistakenly - or deliberately - blamed by police is another. Being blamed by somebody else trying to shift the blame from themselves to you is yet another danger.
We have a case in the UK of a boy playing with a gun who killed his sister. At least one person in the US has been killed by a gun which was loaded when the person holding it didn't realize or didn't know it would go off.
At least one case in the USA and another in England of people shooting themselves in the foot with their own gun.
Surely common sense and caution tells you to check a gun is loaded? And what about somebody holding a knife to somebody else's neck just to frighten them?
PRECAUTIONS
What precautions do you take? Do you lock your bedroom door at night, even when flatmates are about? Do you avoid people who are high on drugs? Do you take care not to play games with people who are drugged or drunk?
Should one avoid threesomes - the commonest fantasy of men and women, according to one survey.
Or should one just shrug? Usually after a well-publicized incident there are calls for changes in the law to prevent it happening again.
Insurance companies don't take a fatalistic attitude. They require you to set up locks and fire alarms and sprinklers.
Societies set up to prevent accidents at work and home and on the roads attempt to find causes and then prevent the events being repeated. In the UK we have had many knifings and now legislation has got tougher on the carrying of knives.
Airlines also don't allow any excuse. No knives. That's it. They stop you taking knives in your hand luggage or pockets.
Laws and rules have stopped youngsters from buying knives. And from taking them into school. What more can be done?
PS Looking at the news stories again two things stand out, drugs and consent. Drugs should not have been clouding common sense. Consent should have been obtained.
For safety:
1 Don't mix drugs and sex
2 All parties must consent at all times - this includes agreeing in advance and being allowed to change their minds if the situation changes and they are no longer
3 You have to care about somebody when you have sex with them or play any games.
4 They have to care about you, not just fancy having sex with you, care about you and your wellbeing. This means either caring about you specifically. You must allow time for this feeling to grow.
Or they must be the sort of person who cares about anybody and everybody. A nurturer. Again, you need time to know their personality.
Friday, August 31, 2007
How to Take a Face & Body Photo That's Nearly Nude but not crude
What does your photo say about you? What do you think of other people's photos? I'll start with those I pass over and end with my favourites, the funny nearly-nudes.
1 Escaped Prisoner
Glaring straight at camera. If he's out, I wish he'd go back. To get more positive results, pose again and this time add a smile.
2 Evasive
This person is avoiding the camera and looking at somebody else. Would you ever get their attention even if you were standing straight in front of them? I suggest taking another photo and smiling at the camera.
3 Nude Close-Up
If I wanted to be a nurse I would be out at work seeing the real thing. Gosh, pages of intimate photos. Totally un-memorable. Except for those which unnerve you. Like on the kitchen table. (What's that say about hygiene?)
What I want to see is a smiling face.
4 Funny Nearly Nude
Today I saw the best nearly nude photo. The guy is showing his face. And body. He is wearing only a long tie covering vital parts.
It makes you want to grab the tie and move it. Playing a game with the onlooker. Most enticing.
He has a sense of humour. He is discreet. But funny. He got my attention.
You can also hold a hat over your vital organs. Or a newspaper. Or a book. Or a piece of paper with a question mark on it. Or any piece of sporting equipment. Or stand behind a piece of furniture.
A classic way to display yourself without being crude is the beach shot, wearing a bathing costume. Again, action is best. Better than showing off your body. Action. Whether it's eating an ice cream, surfing, building sand-castles, caught mid-action putting up an umbrella, or carrying a deck chair or beach bag so that it looks as if you might be nude behind it. You can show that to mother. Yours. Or theirs.
So much better to see a face. And body. But know the other person is discreet.
Not playing power games. Not shy. Nor aggressive. Just fun.
1 Escaped Prisoner
Glaring straight at camera. If he's out, I wish he'd go back. To get more positive results, pose again and this time add a smile.
2 Evasive
This person is avoiding the camera and looking at somebody else. Would you ever get their attention even if you were standing straight in front of them? I suggest taking another photo and smiling at the camera.
3 Nude Close-Up
If I wanted to be a nurse I would be out at work seeing the real thing. Gosh, pages of intimate photos. Totally un-memorable. Except for those which unnerve you. Like on the kitchen table. (What's that say about hygiene?)
What I want to see is a smiling face.
4 Funny Nearly Nude
Today I saw the best nearly nude photo. The guy is showing his face. And body. He is wearing only a long tie covering vital parts.
It makes you want to grab the tie and move it. Playing a game with the onlooker. Most enticing.
He has a sense of humour. He is discreet. But funny. He got my attention.
You can also hold a hat over your vital organs. Or a newspaper. Or a book. Or a piece of paper with a question mark on it. Or any piece of sporting equipment. Or stand behind a piece of furniture.
A classic way to display yourself without being crude is the beach shot, wearing a bathing costume. Again, action is best. Better than showing off your body. Action. Whether it's eating an ice cream, surfing, building sand-castles, caught mid-action putting up an umbrella, or carrying a deck chair or beach bag so that it looks as if you might be nude behind it. You can show that to mother. Yours. Or theirs.
So much better to see a face. And body. But know the other person is discreet.
Not playing power games. Not shy. Nor aggressive. Just fun.
LITTLE WHITE LIES FOR LOVERS
CO-ORDINATE STORIES
A while ago, I was at a hotel on a first anniversary weekend away with my new husband. We could not understand why nobody would speak to us.
Then I got talking to a woman in the Ladies. Meanwhile, my husband had chatted to the other husband in the Gents.
My husband and met up again, both proud to tell what we had learned. She lived in City A and managed a dress shop. He lived in City B and was a rep.
Now we knew. They weren't married. Or, if they were, they were married to other people.
They were away on a 'dirty weekend'. They had tried to avoid speaking to us. But they hadn't co-ordinated their stories so we knew.
Plan and co-ordinate story line. You don't want to be telling your neighbour that Harry is your cousin from Ohio whilst Harry is telling your neighbour's husband that he is the plumber.:))
A while ago, I was at a hotel on a first anniversary weekend away with my new husband. We could not understand why nobody would speak to us.
Then I got talking to a woman in the Ladies. Meanwhile, my husband had chatted to the other husband in the Gents.
My husband and met up again, both proud to tell what we had learned. She lived in City A and managed a dress shop. He lived in City B and was a rep.
Now we knew. They weren't married. Or, if they were, they were married to other people.
They were away on a 'dirty weekend'. They had tried to avoid speaking to us. But they hadn't co-ordinated their stories so we knew.
Plan and co-ordinate story line. You don't want to be telling your neighbour that Harry is your cousin from Ohio whilst Harry is telling your neighbour's husband that he is the plumber.:))
Tips On First Impressions When Sharing Your Home With Visitors
What he should do to prepare the home for my arrival? What will the lady, the princess, see when she arrives. (This applies equally when preparing for any VIP visitor.)
Stand outside the door like a vacuum cleaner sales person assessing whether the home owner is solvent and houseproud. First impression of your home?
1 CLEAR AND CLEAN OUTSIDE
Can the bell be heard? Are the door and handle and step clean? And the windows? And curtains? Flowerbeds neat? No litter? Clean car outside?
If it's late at night, put on the light over the door. I once turned and ran when I saw my date's front door was behind bushes in a dark side alley. You don't want to scare her into thinking she's entering the 'house of horrors'.
2 DE-CLUTTER INSIDE
Now, indoors. Clear floors, work surfaces, doorways and windows.
Put boots, trainers, shoes and slippers together against the wall, not lying around untidily to trip you up.
Chuck out old newspapers. If you must save them to cover surfaces for DIY, put them in a plastic bag in the garage.
3 HIDE RIVALS
Remove photos of family, especially wife or ex-wife, and ex-girlfriends.
And ancestors watching you.
Animal items on kitchen floor should be moved aside.
4 DUST BUST
Dust off surfaces. Is the kitchen clean for her to make coffee? Put coffee cups and saucers and coffee and sugar by the kettle. You don't want her opening cupboards discovering clutter and other secrets. Nor do you want to be spending hours hunting for the matching cup and saucer you bought last week and ending up handing her the chipped cup.
5 STOCK FRIDGE
Is the milk fresh? Have you got sweetener? Juice? Mineral water? Fruit? Protein? Your visitor might have travelled a distance, or set off without eating because of nerves and might now be hungry.
Healthy nibbles such as nuts?
6 CLEAR DUST & DIY RUBBLE
I was once at the filthy flat of a boyfriend. I wrote my name in the dust in every room before I left. That way the next person in would notice the dust and see he had a girlfriend. I reckoned he'd have to dust or suffer the embarrassment.
Worst place was the new home of the gorgeous mature man, recently divorced. He had such a dirty kitchen that I spent ten minutes cleaning the floor and work surfaces before making coffee.
The bath was impossible to use - full of rubble. I had to clean off the taps and basin. Also the toilet seat. Finally I washed the grubby toothpaste I borrowed.
7 CREATE SOFT LIGHTING
No glare. Make sure you have a shade on every light bulb. If you've just moved in, take her shopping to advise.
8 MAKE A WELCOMING LIVING ROOM
Clear floors, tables, side tables and seats.
Choose mood music CDs.
Close curtains and turn on table lamps.
9 ELIMINATE ANIMAL SMELLS
Worst smells are from a household of cats. Your best date will be with another cat lover.
If you have an adorable dog which jumps on visitors and knocks them to the floor, perhaps Rover should not be roving but sit eating his food in a back room until your visitor asks to meet him. Then keep him on a lead for the introduction until you are sure your date likes dogs.
Change clothes which have had animals all over them. No point wearing a clean shirt and a jacket or coat which reeks of smoke and dogs. Check shoes which have walked through mud and more.
10 FIX FOOD SMELLS
You might not notice the smell. Until you come back from holiday. Open all windows.
Empty all bins. Remove stale food, especially rotting fruit from fruit bowls and fridges.
You can spray with air freshener. Cut flowers or ferns from the garden or supermarket or garden centre (ask for flowers with scent).
Ah - but she might be allergic to pollen. If she's going to sneeze for three months of the year, or demand to live on snow-capped mountains in winder and in the desert in summer, it might be a good idea to find out early. If she's a hayfever sufferer and you're a nurturer, you could buy her a couple of products to help.
A bowl of scented leaves will be available in gift shops or big stores. Wear aftershave.
FEEDBACK PLEASE
Have I forgotten anything? Any other suggestions?
Is this what you would do anyway? Does it seem like a lot of trouble? Only for special people? Just what you would do for any visitor?
For articles, blogs and books giving advice on dating, contact Angelalansbury@hotmail.com
I can also assess your appearance, voice, and confidence, to do a personal makeover, if you are dating or going for job interviews.
Stand outside the door like a vacuum cleaner sales person assessing whether the home owner is solvent and houseproud. First impression of your home?
1 CLEAR AND CLEAN OUTSIDE
Can the bell be heard? Are the door and handle and step clean? And the windows? And curtains? Flowerbeds neat? No litter? Clean car outside?
If it's late at night, put on the light over the door. I once turned and ran when I saw my date's front door was behind bushes in a dark side alley. You don't want to scare her into thinking she's entering the 'house of horrors'.
2 DE-CLUTTER INSIDE
Now, indoors. Clear floors, work surfaces, doorways and windows.
Put boots, trainers, shoes and slippers together against the wall, not lying around untidily to trip you up.
Chuck out old newspapers. If you must save them to cover surfaces for DIY, put them in a plastic bag in the garage.
3 HIDE RIVALS
Remove photos of family, especially wife or ex-wife, and ex-girlfriends.
And ancestors watching you.
Animal items on kitchen floor should be moved aside.
4 DUST BUST
Dust off surfaces. Is the kitchen clean for her to make coffee? Put coffee cups and saucers and coffee and sugar by the kettle. You don't want her opening cupboards discovering clutter and other secrets. Nor do you want to be spending hours hunting for the matching cup and saucer you bought last week and ending up handing her the chipped cup.
5 STOCK FRIDGE
Is the milk fresh? Have you got sweetener? Juice? Mineral water? Fruit? Protein? Your visitor might have travelled a distance, or set off without eating because of nerves and might now be hungry.
Healthy nibbles such as nuts?
6 CLEAR DUST & DIY RUBBLE
I was once at the filthy flat of a boyfriend. I wrote my name in the dust in every room before I left. That way the next person in would notice the dust and see he had a girlfriend. I reckoned he'd have to dust or suffer the embarrassment.
Worst place was the new home of the gorgeous mature man, recently divorced. He had such a dirty kitchen that I spent ten minutes cleaning the floor and work surfaces before making coffee.
The bath was impossible to use - full of rubble. I had to clean off the taps and basin. Also the toilet seat. Finally I washed the grubby toothpaste I borrowed.
7 CREATE SOFT LIGHTING
No glare. Make sure you have a shade on every light bulb. If you've just moved in, take her shopping to advise.
8 MAKE A WELCOMING LIVING ROOM
Clear floors, tables, side tables and seats.
Choose mood music CDs.
Close curtains and turn on table lamps.
9 ELIMINATE ANIMAL SMELLS
Worst smells are from a household of cats. Your best date will be with another cat lover.
If you have an adorable dog which jumps on visitors and knocks them to the floor, perhaps Rover should not be roving but sit eating his food in a back room until your visitor asks to meet him. Then keep him on a lead for the introduction until you are sure your date likes dogs.
Change clothes which have had animals all over them. No point wearing a clean shirt and a jacket or coat which reeks of smoke and dogs. Check shoes which have walked through mud and more.
10 FIX FOOD SMELLS
You might not notice the smell. Until you come back from holiday. Open all windows.
Empty all bins. Remove stale food, especially rotting fruit from fruit bowls and fridges.
You can spray with air freshener. Cut flowers or ferns from the garden or supermarket or garden centre (ask for flowers with scent).
Ah - but she might be allergic to pollen. If she's going to sneeze for three months of the year, or demand to live on snow-capped mountains in winder and in the desert in summer, it might be a good idea to find out early. If she's a hayfever sufferer and you're a nurturer, you could buy her a couple of products to help.
A bowl of scented leaves will be available in gift shops or big stores. Wear aftershave.
FEEDBACK PLEASE
Have I forgotten anything? Any other suggestions?
Is this what you would do anyway? Does it seem like a lot of trouble? Only for special people? Just what you would do for any visitor?
For articles, blogs and books giving advice on dating, contact Angelalansbury@hotmail.com
I can also assess your appearance, voice, and confidence, to do a personal makeover, if you are dating or going for job interviews.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
More On Mind Games
Somebody says 'no mind games'. Another says, 'no head games'. What do they mean?
Do they mean not 'playing hard to get'?
Or no drama?
Or say what you mean and mean what you say?
Or do they mean they want a one night stand with no conversation? No wit? No repartee? No humour?
No manipulation? Not saying something when you mean another? Not saying nothing when you have a hidden agenda?
Lots of humorous pop psychology books have been written to illustrate the mind set of men and women.
The basics are well known. Women in their thirties know that they should have children before their forties so they want to get married.
So you should be honest?
No. You can't tell a man you want to get married on the first date. Unless you live in a culture where you have arranged marriage and all single women are escorted.
We then come down to What's In It For Me?
Lots of male's profiles tell you what they are looking for. Sex and more sex.
Like a shop which tells you prices. Yes, the customer wants to know prices. But does the customer want to hear, 'We want your money'.
Marketing is a mind game. PR is a mind game. Politeness is a mind game. Tact is a mind game. A blog is a mind game.
One spends a great deal of time trying to understand other people's mind games. Everybody from the sales person to the server in the restaurant to the politician.
Yes, it is so much easier when people say what they mean. But we all know people who are rude, aggressive, selfish, kids throwing tantrums to get their own way.
Civilization is knowing your own group's mind games. Getting married is a mind game. Buying a house is a mind game. Getting a job is a mind game. Getting paid is a mind game.
Every parent has to play mind games. You can tell a kid, 'Eat your dinner!' but he won't. You can sit all day waiting for him to eat his dinner.
To get served, to get to the head of the line in a shop or a restaurant or at an airport or attraction, involves a mind game somewhere. Life is simpler if we have simple rules and stick to them.
But it only works when one person wants to hear what the other person needs. And is ready to supply it.
Putting up sign which says 'Please wait to be seated' is a mind game. The restaurant wants to control the customers.
Every speech and book is a mind game. Getting somebody else into bed is a mind game. Keeping them in bed is a mind game. Enjoying being in bed together is a mind game. Getting somebody out of your bed is a mind game.
By saying NO mind games, you are setting the other person up to play mind games. By being negative, you are warning them to be careful when dealing with you.
A negative command is often remembered as a positive command. That's why a major chocolate bar is being promoted with the slogan, 'Girls should not eat ...' Firstly, the negative will be forgotten.
Secondly, some people have inbuilt resistance. When you tell them to do something, they immediately want to do the opposite. Call it what you like, forbidden fruit, naughtiness, testing limits, being bolshie, defiance.
What do you mean by mind games?
Do they mean not 'playing hard to get'?
Or no drama?
Or say what you mean and mean what you say?
Or do they mean they want a one night stand with no conversation? No wit? No repartee? No humour?
No manipulation? Not saying something when you mean another? Not saying nothing when you have a hidden agenda?
Lots of humorous pop psychology books have been written to illustrate the mind set of men and women.
The basics are well known. Women in their thirties know that they should have children before their forties so they want to get married.
So you should be honest?
No. You can't tell a man you want to get married on the first date. Unless you live in a culture where you have arranged marriage and all single women are escorted.
We then come down to What's In It For Me?
Lots of male's profiles tell you what they are looking for. Sex and more sex.
Like a shop which tells you prices. Yes, the customer wants to know prices. But does the customer want to hear, 'We want your money'.
Marketing is a mind game. PR is a mind game. Politeness is a mind game. Tact is a mind game. A blog is a mind game.
One spends a great deal of time trying to understand other people's mind games. Everybody from the sales person to the server in the restaurant to the politician.
Yes, it is so much easier when people say what they mean. But we all know people who are rude, aggressive, selfish, kids throwing tantrums to get their own way.
Civilization is knowing your own group's mind games. Getting married is a mind game. Buying a house is a mind game. Getting a job is a mind game. Getting paid is a mind game.
Every parent has to play mind games. You can tell a kid, 'Eat your dinner!' but he won't. You can sit all day waiting for him to eat his dinner.
To get served, to get to the head of the line in a shop or a restaurant or at an airport or attraction, involves a mind game somewhere. Life is simpler if we have simple rules and stick to them.
But it only works when one person wants to hear what the other person needs. And is ready to supply it.
Putting up sign which says 'Please wait to be seated' is a mind game. The restaurant wants to control the customers.
Every speech and book is a mind game. Getting somebody else into bed is a mind game. Keeping them in bed is a mind game. Enjoying being in bed together is a mind game. Getting somebody out of your bed is a mind game.
By saying NO mind games, you are setting the other person up to play mind games. By being negative, you are warning them to be careful when dealing with you.
A negative command is often remembered as a positive command. That's why a major chocolate bar is being promoted with the slogan, 'Girls should not eat ...' Firstly, the negative will be forgotten.
Secondly, some people have inbuilt resistance. When you tell them to do something, they immediately want to do the opposite. Call it what you like, forbidden fruit, naughtiness, testing limits, being bolshie, defiance.
What do you mean by mind games?
Monday, August 6, 2007
I don't normally reply to anybody who has a body part picture. It suggests to me that they want a one night stand and have no common sense nor any kind of respectable job. Does anybody really want their children or neighbours or future employers to see their body parts in close-up?
Even last year's face photos can make you cringe. Do you really want last year's body parts hanging around forever when the fashion for tattoos and piercings is over?
I had wedding photos taken next to a nude statue. A decade later it looked so tasteless and tacky.
A face is much more fun. Men, or women, I like to see your face. One man shows a face photo but covers his eyes. That's so strange. Because on one site the smiling eyes are the only part of myself I've revealed. I suppose he likes to show a smiling mouth.
Even last year's face photos can make you cringe. Do you really want last year's body parts hanging around forever when the fashion for tattoos and piercings is over?
I had wedding photos taken next to a nude statue. A decade later it looked so tasteless and tacky.
A face is much more fun. Men, or women, I like to see your face. One man shows a face photo but covers his eyes. That's so strange. Because on one site the smiling eyes are the only part of myself I've revealed. I suppose he likes to show a smiling mouth.
Face Photos on dating sites - what do they tell you?
Face pictures do reveal the true age, or at least the wrinkle ration.
I had not thought about hygiene but I certainly see stubble and six o'clock shadow, greasy or untidy hair, a smile buried in a beard, or long washed hair.
I had not thought about hygiene but I certainly see stubble and six o'clock shadow, greasy or untidy hair, a smile buried in a beard, or long washed hair.
How To Improve Your Profile And Increase Responses
How do you improve your profile and increase responses?
[B]I like to write happy positive posts. But since a man has actually asked why he does not get responses I feel you would be interested in knowing my response and hearing some answers which could be helpful in showing how some women think which might echo your own feelings or spark off your own different ideas.
In a previous post on another blog site, a reader asked how he could get more responses. I looked at his profile and noticed the following things:
1 A typo in the profile. The word parents was jumbled. Easy to correct that with the spell checker. You don't need a PhD to click on the little ABC sign.
2 He starts by describing himself as average.
Average is not a selling point. Would a sales person tell you a product is average? He must think it's a selling point. In that case be more specific.
3 Then he goes on to talk about outdoor sex, shackles and blindfolds. A woman who has just joined an adult site might be scared off. An average woman looking for an average man might not want to be shackled by a stranger.
Shackles might appeal to somebody on a site where a large proportion of readers are seeking bondage. But fewer will be interested on an adult site. Okay, mention the shackles, but make it clear they are an option, not an obligation.
4 He also describes a woman making sexual advances ON THE FIRST DATE.
He is limiting himself to nymphomaniacs and women who have been on the site less than a month.
Any woman who has responded to this sort of profile previously, men wanting sex on the first date, has suffered from embarrassing conversations in public places and been groped on one occasion by at least one man, maybe on four or more occasions by four or more men, one of whom, maybe several of whom, she didn't like.
He needs to make it plain that sex on the first date is not obligatory. Otherwise she is worried that:
a) He will go too fast. It could be repulsive or embarrassing if she says no.
b) He might turn nasty if she says no.
c) He might be disappointed. He will look glum. Or end the date fast making her feel rejected.[/B]
The rest of this post is copied from my comment on a specific reader’s comment on my post.)
I can suggest several ways in which you could make small improvements to your presentation:
1 In your photo, folded arms is a keep away gesture. Retake the photo with arms by your side or holding something such as a book or newspaper or piece of sports equipment - but this might attract those who like your sport and repel those who don't so more neutral is just a pen or computer which is acceptable to everybody.
2 Smile. A welcoming, happy smile. If I meet you in a restaurant and you are unsmiling with arms folded my first thought is, this guy doesn't like me. Show that I will be meeting somebody happy who will put me at ease.
3 Arms look huge in the picture, larger than head. I love a red sleeveless top but focus should be on head, not arms. Maybe try an outfit with sleeves. Stick to red. The red is great.
4 Viewpoint is from down below, as if the viewer is subservient or about to perform a blow job. Put the camera higher, so the onlooker meeting you for the first time is face-to-face. Much friendlier.
5 Fringe is untidy and spiky. Wash hair and comb it so it looks neat and soft and clean.
6 Eyes look white and slightly ghoulish. Are you wearing glasses reflecting the light or what? I want to see the pupils of the eyes, smiling eyes.
7 Background is plain which is good. But something more classy would be better, perhaps outdoors, since a simple white door suggests you live in a prison or trailer.
What does the photo suggest the reader gets on first date? A shut, possibly locked, white door? With you standing against it, blocking her exit?
Maybe the lady would prefer a romantic waterfall or restaurant. If you like walks on the beach, take a photo of yourself on a beach and you will attract somebody who fancies walks on a beach. They immediately know something about you from the photo - a guy who likes walks on the beach.
8 You are ahead of most people because you can construct a sentence. But since you have an above average education and attention to detail, you are able to get it 100% right and create a good impression.
So, use the spell checker. For example, in your comment the word woman has a typo and is wopman. First sentence of second paragraph reads ‘I like ot’ instead of ‘like to’. Makes the reader struggle to understand. Spellchecker would have caught that.
You use the word nice three times and you could change it to something more specific and use three positive words such as ‘their profiles are attractive’, ‘an appealing picture’, ‘a friendly smile’.
The last sentence has a punctuation error. The word ‘lets’ should be ‘let's’ for let us.
I can't guarantee that any one or all of these changes could move you up, but an improvement in grammar could influence a person to shift you onto their shortlist, either as a conscious decision, or an unconscious decision. Since you asked, it's worth a try.
9 What makes you an individual? When you go for a walk on the beach what will you talk about?
10 Women often want to be the only one in your life. Addressing the reader as 'ladies' suggests you are looking for more than one woman, whereas if you talk about 'you' I would feel we are already a twosome, a couple in a conversation.
11 Keep sounding happy, or at least end each sentence and paragraph cheerfully. I just changed that sentence to end with the word cheerfully.
Your first paragraph ends on a negative note, whilst the second one ends on a positive note. You can turn sentences around so the negative is in the first half and you put the good point at the end to leave with the impression that you are upbeat.
12 Somebody told me that most men are looking for sex whilst most women are looking for a long -term relationship. This means solvent.
And not rushing into sex immediately. On a first date I don't actually want orgasms and walks on the beach (everybody man on here is looking for sex and the idea of a beach suggests he's looking for sex and a cheap date?). I want a meal in a restaurant.
Maybe that's just me, but I think that before we get to that remote, romantic beach, we need to meet in a safe public place with a crowd of jolly people to lift our mood.
You've got a sentence ending ‘dinner and conversation’. Switch those last two sentences and don't end with ‘doubt’ but with ‘dinner’.
13 When you write a comment, you might get responses from several women. But the person most likely to reply is the person who posted. So pick lots of posts by women in your area and send at least one comment which addresses them specifically by name, just as I have addressed my readers personally.
Opening a letter or email 'hi' without my name, without any form of address, does not start the right way for me.
If the profile nickname doesn't sound right as a form of address (Dear Here4U sounds odd), use part of the name (Dear ‘U’), or an endearment. I would respond more to Hello, my darling, or Dear Angel.
I hope this gives you the confidence to try again with enthusiasm.
To other readers, I trust this will interest you, too, and I'd like to hear from you, as I'm sure so would ‘David’, the man who wrote.
[B]I like to write happy positive posts. But since a man has actually asked why he does not get responses I feel you would be interested in knowing my response and hearing some answers which could be helpful in showing how some women think which might echo your own feelings or spark off your own different ideas.
In a previous post on another blog site, a reader asked how he could get more responses. I looked at his profile and noticed the following things:
1 A typo in the profile. The word parents was jumbled. Easy to correct that with the spell checker. You don't need a PhD to click on the little ABC sign.
2 He starts by describing himself as average.
Average is not a selling point. Would a sales person tell you a product is average? He must think it's a selling point. In that case be more specific.
3 Then he goes on to talk about outdoor sex, shackles and blindfolds. A woman who has just joined an adult site might be scared off. An average woman looking for an average man might not want to be shackled by a stranger.
Shackles might appeal to somebody on a site where a large proportion of readers are seeking bondage. But fewer will be interested on an adult site. Okay, mention the shackles, but make it clear they are an option, not an obligation.
4 He also describes a woman making sexual advances ON THE FIRST DATE.
He is limiting himself to nymphomaniacs and women who have been on the site less than a month.
Any woman who has responded to this sort of profile previously, men wanting sex on the first date, has suffered from embarrassing conversations in public places and been groped on one occasion by at least one man, maybe on four or more occasions by four or more men, one of whom, maybe several of whom, she didn't like.
He needs to make it plain that sex on the first date is not obligatory. Otherwise she is worried that:
a) He will go too fast. It could be repulsive or embarrassing if she says no.
b) He might turn nasty if she says no.
c) He might be disappointed. He will look glum. Or end the date fast making her feel rejected.[/B]
The rest of this post is copied from my comment on a specific reader’s comment on my post.)
I can suggest several ways in which you could make small improvements to your presentation:
1 In your photo, folded arms is a keep away gesture. Retake the photo with arms by your side or holding something such as a book or newspaper or piece of sports equipment - but this might attract those who like your sport and repel those who don't so more neutral is just a pen or computer which is acceptable to everybody.
2 Smile. A welcoming, happy smile. If I meet you in a restaurant and you are unsmiling with arms folded my first thought is, this guy doesn't like me. Show that I will be meeting somebody happy who will put me at ease.
3 Arms look huge in the picture, larger than head. I love a red sleeveless top but focus should be on head, not arms. Maybe try an outfit with sleeves. Stick to red. The red is great.
4 Viewpoint is from down below, as if the viewer is subservient or about to perform a blow job. Put the camera higher, so the onlooker meeting you for the first time is face-to-face. Much friendlier.
5 Fringe is untidy and spiky. Wash hair and comb it so it looks neat and soft and clean.
6 Eyes look white and slightly ghoulish. Are you wearing glasses reflecting the light or what? I want to see the pupils of the eyes, smiling eyes.
7 Background is plain which is good. But something more classy would be better, perhaps outdoors, since a simple white door suggests you live in a prison or trailer.
What does the photo suggest the reader gets on first date? A shut, possibly locked, white door? With you standing against it, blocking her exit?
Maybe the lady would prefer a romantic waterfall or restaurant. If you like walks on the beach, take a photo of yourself on a beach and you will attract somebody who fancies walks on a beach. They immediately know something about you from the photo - a guy who likes walks on the beach.
8 You are ahead of most people because you can construct a sentence. But since you have an above average education and attention to detail, you are able to get it 100% right and create a good impression.
So, use the spell checker. For example, in your comment the word woman has a typo and is wopman. First sentence of second paragraph reads ‘I like ot’ instead of ‘like to’. Makes the reader struggle to understand. Spellchecker would have caught that.
You use the word nice three times and you could change it to something more specific and use three positive words such as ‘their profiles are attractive’, ‘an appealing picture’, ‘a friendly smile’.
The last sentence has a punctuation error. The word ‘lets’ should be ‘let's’ for let us.
I can't guarantee that any one or all of these changes could move you up, but an improvement in grammar could influence a person to shift you onto their shortlist, either as a conscious decision, or an unconscious decision. Since you asked, it's worth a try.
9 What makes you an individual? When you go for a walk on the beach what will you talk about?
10 Women often want to be the only one in your life. Addressing the reader as 'ladies' suggests you are looking for more than one woman, whereas if you talk about 'you' I would feel we are already a twosome, a couple in a conversation.
11 Keep sounding happy, or at least end each sentence and paragraph cheerfully. I just changed that sentence to end with the word cheerfully.
Your first paragraph ends on a negative note, whilst the second one ends on a positive note. You can turn sentences around so the negative is in the first half and you put the good point at the end to leave with the impression that you are upbeat.
12 Somebody told me that most men are looking for sex whilst most women are looking for a long -term relationship. This means solvent.
And not rushing into sex immediately. On a first date I don't actually want orgasms and walks on the beach (everybody man on here is looking for sex and the idea of a beach suggests he's looking for sex and a cheap date?). I want a meal in a restaurant.
Maybe that's just me, but I think that before we get to that remote, romantic beach, we need to meet in a safe public place with a crowd of jolly people to lift our mood.
You've got a sentence ending ‘dinner and conversation’. Switch those last two sentences and don't end with ‘doubt’ but with ‘dinner’.
13 When you write a comment, you might get responses from several women. But the person most likely to reply is the person who posted. So pick lots of posts by women in your area and send at least one comment which addresses them specifically by name, just as I have addressed my readers personally.
Opening a letter or email 'hi' without my name, without any form of address, does not start the right way for me.
If the profile nickname doesn't sound right as a form of address (Dear Here4U sounds odd), use part of the name (Dear ‘U’), or an endearment. I would respond more to Hello, my darling, or Dear Angel.
I hope this gives you the confidence to try again with enthusiasm.
To other readers, I trust this will interest you, too, and I'd like to hear from you, as I'm sure so would ‘David’, the man who wrote.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Seek Fame, Retire Early, and Have Harmony
Over lunch with my new man, I say that I'd like to be a famous writer, like JK Rowling.
Every day my computer inbox is full of motivational talks. They say, if you can dream it, you can do it.
They also tell you to seek out people who encourage you to fulfil your desires.
But top priority for me is the man of my dreams. Actually, I'm quite realistic. I want companionship.
My date says he has no desire to be a celebrity. He'd rather retire early and work or teach what he likes for nothing.
Does it matter what we say?
Do I really have to watch every word, censor what I say, in case our dreams don't match?
Should I follow the advice lines?
No. That's like following religion and politics. I'm a firm believer in putting people before any abstract concept. The family or friend is always more important than a guru.
The guru only comes in when things are going wrong and you need an outsider to sort out the mess.
My friend hasn't told me that it's stupid of me to want to be famous. He hasn't told me that my being a teacher is more worthwhile than being a TV personality.
He is has told me what he wants to be. Implied criticism? Implied lack of harmony. Attempt to subtly change me?
Or is he simply drifting off into the 'Me, too ...' train of thought?
But I still wonder whether I should demand a supportive friend who assures me, 'I'm sure you'll be rich/famous/whatever,' because he knows that's what I'd like to hear?
But often the people who support your dreams are also dreamers, who won't actually ever help you, just smile.
My son says the quickest way to get anything done is to leave behind people who are retired or unemployed, and join a successful company where you are surrounded by people who get things done.
But I want to stay at home and do desktop publishing and take long lunches with friends when I feel like it.
My old mentor used to say to me, impatiently, 'You think too much!'
Now, there's a thought.
What do you think?
Every day my computer inbox is full of motivational talks. They say, if you can dream it, you can do it.
They also tell you to seek out people who encourage you to fulfil your desires.
But top priority for me is the man of my dreams. Actually, I'm quite realistic. I want companionship.
My date says he has no desire to be a celebrity. He'd rather retire early and work or teach what he likes for nothing.
Does it matter what we say?
Do I really have to watch every word, censor what I say, in case our dreams don't match?
Should I follow the advice lines?
No. That's like following religion and politics. I'm a firm believer in putting people before any abstract concept. The family or friend is always more important than a guru.
The guru only comes in when things are going wrong and you need an outsider to sort out the mess.
My friend hasn't told me that it's stupid of me to want to be famous. He hasn't told me that my being a teacher is more worthwhile than being a TV personality.
He is has told me what he wants to be. Implied criticism? Implied lack of harmony. Attempt to subtly change me?
Or is he simply drifting off into the 'Me, too ...' train of thought?
But I still wonder whether I should demand a supportive friend who assures me, 'I'm sure you'll be rich/famous/whatever,' because he knows that's what I'd like to hear?
But often the people who support your dreams are also dreamers, who won't actually ever help you, just smile.
My son says the quickest way to get anything done is to leave behind people who are retired or unemployed, and join a successful company where you are surrounded by people who get things done.
But I want to stay at home and do desktop publishing and take long lunches with friends when I feel like it.
My old mentor used to say to me, impatiently, 'You think too much!'
Now, there's a thought.
What do you think?
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Does the Daddy-Daughter Scenario Attract Or Repulse You? Why?
(First - why am I repeating the title? Because sometimes the second half gets wiped off by the system.)
For a long time I found the Daddy-Daughter scenario repulsive and could not explain why I did not like it nor understand why others did.
Now the answer seems so obvious that I cannot understand why I missed it earlier. Let me think this through to clarify it for myself, explain it to you, and get your feedback.
Who likes the Daddy-daughter scenario? Is it:
1) Re-enactment of childhood. But idealized. Wish fulfilment?
2) A version of the sub-dom scenario?
3) Or merely a version of the mating scenario?
Love and affection? Or control and punishment? Or a mixture?
Let's look at what happens in childhood. A little girl copies Mummy and expecting approval tells Mummy: 'I want to marry Daddy!'
(This is what happened to mother Mia Farrow and husband - don't get me started on this - whole bad scene.)
In my view, people who play Daddy and Daughter and Lil Girl and acting out this scene. We all use elements of this regression to the cosy, loving world of childhood. Lovers using baby talk.
(My sub dom fantasy goes back to this era, when adults were in control and sensation was strong, love, toilet training, pleasing adults, being punished or threatened with spankings. All control and love comes from a larger male figure. Dom.)
Mummy then politely explains that Daddy belongs to Mummy and toddler has to find a little boy her own age and marry him.
Here we get into the incest taboo. This is where I come in again. I am repulsed by this idea.
Especially as my father and mother lived long lives so I had years of adulthood with father as a taboo sexual figure who was allied with mother.
What's more, since my father died recently, any mention of fathers bring up unpleasant memories of bereavement. Any relationship involving a 'father', just using the word Dad or father, would involve distracting fantasies or side-tracking philosophizing about an angry mother and repulsive necrophilia.
But I am now able to understand why others follow the Dad-daughter idea.
For the woman it is cosy and reassuring. Daddy tucks her into bed at night. The role play or fantasy may end up sexual. Or it may stay at the platonic fantasy level with cuddles and total relaxation ending in sleep.
And on that happy note I shall leave you.
Please feel free to leave comments, or links, however short or long.
(First - why am I repeating the title? Because sometimes the second half gets wiped off by the system.)
For a long time I found the Daddy-Daughter scenario repulsive and could not explain why I did not like it nor understand why others did.
Now the answer seems so obvious that I cannot understand why I missed it earlier. Let me think this through to clarify it for myself, explain it to you, and get your feedback.
Who likes the Daddy-daughter scenario? Is it:
1) Re-enactment of childhood. But idealized. Wish fulfilment?
2) A version of the sub-dom scenario?
3) Or merely a version of the mating scenario?
Love and affection? Or control and punishment? Or a mixture?
Let's look at what happens in childhood. A little girl copies Mummy and expecting approval tells Mummy: 'I want to marry Daddy!'
(This is what happened to mother Mia Farrow and husband - don't get me started on this - whole bad scene.)
In my view, people who play Daddy and Daughter and Lil Girl and acting out this scene. We all use elements of this regression to the cosy, loving world of childhood. Lovers using baby talk.
(My sub dom fantasy goes back to this era, when adults were in control and sensation was strong, love, toilet training, pleasing adults, being punished or threatened with spankings. All control and love comes from a larger male figure. Dom.)
Mummy then politely explains that Daddy belongs to Mummy and toddler has to find a little boy her own age and marry him.
Here we get into the incest taboo. This is where I come in again. I am repulsed by this idea.
Especially as my father and mother lived long lives so I had years of adulthood with father as a taboo sexual figure who was allied with mother.
What's more, since my father died recently, any mention of fathers bring up unpleasant memories of bereavement. Any relationship involving a 'father', just using the word Dad or father, would involve distracting fantasies or side-tracking philosophizing about an angry mother and repulsive necrophilia.
But I am now able to understand why others follow the Dad-daughter idea.
For the woman it is cosy and reassuring. Daddy tucks her into bed at night. The role play or fantasy may end up sexual. Or it may stay at the platonic fantasy level with cuddles and total relaxation ending in sleep.
And on that happy note I shall leave you.
Please feel free to leave comments, or links, however short or long.
JUSTICE, CONTROL, HARMONY & EUPHORIA
A post I wrote earlier about films such Deliverance inspired a comment from a reader that revenge resonates with him and he considers it a noble motive - unlike the rest of society.
REVENGE - OR JUSTICE?Justice requires an independent view of the situation. Simply restoring the see-saw to a level position. An eye for an eye means an eye for an eye, not two eyes for an eye.
Pay the money owed or return the goods stolen. That satisfied the feeling of jealousy, that another has more than you have. It restores the status quo.
FAMILY JEALOUSY, JUSTICE & INJUSTICE
See what happens in families at your supermarket. Toddler wants six-year-old's toy, doesn't get it and slaps six-year-old. Six-year-old chases toddler. Mum turns and sees six-year- old hit toddler - so Mum hits six-year-old. Toddler, forgetting original grievance, enjoying winning this game, laughs.
Or Dad sits down and asks who hit who first and reasons with both of them. But we've all seen injustice. We've all wanted to hit the naughty one. (Origin of the urge to play dom? Or to get revenge?)
Feeling guilty? Worried when we'd get caught? Relief to get the punishment over? That's a recipe for a sub's role.
TRIBAL TRIAL & PUNISHMENT
Moving from the family, to the larger group, the tribe. The tribal leaders at the gate of the city have a public court.
First you check the identity of the person who is accused. No sending in a hit man who kills some innocent bystander or tenant who answers the door.
An independent judge decides. Usually some time after the event when tempers have cooled.
Then both sides are allowed to speak.
Now let's see what happens in civilzation, in a big Western city. The jury system allows a dozen people.
To be sure you are not swayed by the person who gets the last word, the last word goes to somebody who sums up. Before the prisoner is led away the judge explains his verdict.
Revenge says that is not enough. The person who started the quarrel must be punished.
I'll repeat what I said earlier. Justice requires an independent view of the situation. Simply setting the see-saw level. An eye for an eye, not two eyes for an eye.
Pay the money owed or return the goods stolen. That satisfied the feeling of jealousy, that another has more than you have. It restores the status quo.
GROUP PUNISHMENT
Revenge can lead to feuds - collective responsibility - excessive punishment involving bystanders - from the bar room fight to entire family, tribe or country wiped out because of the act of one.
However - we also have the concepts of deterrence and punishment.
Increasingly, we see the public agitated that crimes in the UK are not sufficiently punished because the crime rate is increasing.
Wars are increasing.
CONTROL
A sociologist would say that this is simply what happens when you get overcrowding.
An egalitarian would say we have not distributed the cake fairly. Grab from those who have, even if you do not give to the have-nots, and the desire for revenge will go.
Control freaks will demand more control. Stoics will say it's a cycle, up and down of population and economy and weather and just go with the flow. Confucians run families and society with a hierarch. So does the Roman Catholic church.
The government makes excuses for the criminal. Except when it can claim taxes and fines. So the penniless man who commits a murder can be excused. But the motorist must be fined. Not just fined, but by an excessive amount as a deterrent. And a punishment.
PUNISHMENT PLAY
In role play we allow ourselves to re-enact or fantasize that we are the victim or the revenger. That we punish or are punished.
The game or story can be that the 'victim' is simply in the right place at the right time. Or that they deserved the punishment. Or that they have done nothing wrong but must be 'taught' and trained to be obedient. Or that they have angered the dom and must suffer excessive punishment.
TEAM-WORK & WRITING ROLE PLAY
Because it is role play, and both parties are willing participants, the person acting as victim is allowed to opt out at any point. Especially as the scene may take them in new directions and it has to be satisfying and enjoyable on one level for it to continue on that occasion and others.
The complication in violence or mock violence as in sex is that the victim has to work out how much pleasure the dominant needs or wants. The dominant has to work out how much pain or rough play the submissive can accept, without the submissive being endangered or simply not enjoying it and opting out.
We allow the day's stress or annoyances going back to childhood to be revenged by the Alpha male or dominatrix on the sub male or female.
Another person takes the other role. It can be permanently (24/7 as a slave). Or temporarily as submissive or brat - as short as five minutes, or in two seconds of repartee over dinner.
Clearly for safety we need to know that the dominant partner can come out of the situation - even if the sub is out of it in subspace.
Real life marriages are often one of these scenarios. But sometimes you need an outsider. A marriage guidance counsellor.
FILMS /MOVIES
Let's go back to films. In films, we can let the fantasy run riot. Hopefully no actors or animals are hurt in the film. Although one of the actors in Deliverance claims that it left a lasting effect on him.
For some people films are dangerous or upsetting. For others they are enlightening. For others they are merely an hour or two's satisfying amusement.
EUPHORIA
Whether you watch a film or play-act, the perfect end is to be left in the joyful state which we are all seeking, relaxation, calm, contentment and happiness, even euphoria, a feeling of being in control of ourselves and the world.
***Author's Amusing footnoteFor the benefit of all I used the ABC spell checker below. It wanted to turn the word have-nots into have nits.:))
Feel free to comment, friends - and enemies. To get publicity all writers need a vociferous, if daft, enemy.
REVENGE - OR JUSTICE?Justice requires an independent view of the situation. Simply restoring the see-saw to a level position. An eye for an eye means an eye for an eye, not two eyes for an eye.
Pay the money owed or return the goods stolen. That satisfied the feeling of jealousy, that another has more than you have. It restores the status quo.
FAMILY JEALOUSY, JUSTICE & INJUSTICE
See what happens in families at your supermarket. Toddler wants six-year-old's toy, doesn't get it and slaps six-year-old. Six-year-old chases toddler. Mum turns and sees six-year- old hit toddler - so Mum hits six-year-old. Toddler, forgetting original grievance, enjoying winning this game, laughs.
Or Dad sits down and asks who hit who first and reasons with both of them. But we've all seen injustice. We've all wanted to hit the naughty one. (Origin of the urge to play dom? Or to get revenge?)
Feeling guilty? Worried when we'd get caught? Relief to get the punishment over? That's a recipe for a sub's role.
TRIBAL TRIAL & PUNISHMENT
Moving from the family, to the larger group, the tribe. The tribal leaders at the gate of the city have a public court.
First you check the identity of the person who is accused. No sending in a hit man who kills some innocent bystander or tenant who answers the door.
An independent judge decides. Usually some time after the event when tempers have cooled.
Then both sides are allowed to speak.
Now let's see what happens in civilzation, in a big Western city. The jury system allows a dozen people.
To be sure you are not swayed by the person who gets the last word, the last word goes to somebody who sums up. Before the prisoner is led away the judge explains his verdict.
Revenge says that is not enough. The person who started the quarrel must be punished.
I'll repeat what I said earlier. Justice requires an independent view of the situation. Simply setting the see-saw level. An eye for an eye, not two eyes for an eye.
Pay the money owed or return the goods stolen. That satisfied the feeling of jealousy, that another has more than you have. It restores the status quo.
GROUP PUNISHMENT
Revenge can lead to feuds - collective responsibility - excessive punishment involving bystanders - from the bar room fight to entire family, tribe or country wiped out because of the act of one.
However - we also have the concepts of deterrence and punishment.
Increasingly, we see the public agitated that crimes in the UK are not sufficiently punished because the crime rate is increasing.
Wars are increasing.
CONTROL
A sociologist would say that this is simply what happens when you get overcrowding.
An egalitarian would say we have not distributed the cake fairly. Grab from those who have, even if you do not give to the have-nots, and the desire for revenge will go.
Control freaks will demand more control. Stoics will say it's a cycle, up and down of population and economy and weather and just go with the flow. Confucians run families and society with a hierarch. So does the Roman Catholic church.
The government makes excuses for the criminal. Except when it can claim taxes and fines. So the penniless man who commits a murder can be excused. But the motorist must be fined. Not just fined, but by an excessive amount as a deterrent. And a punishment.
PUNISHMENT PLAY
In role play we allow ourselves to re-enact or fantasize that we are the victim or the revenger. That we punish or are punished.
The game or story can be that the 'victim' is simply in the right place at the right time. Or that they deserved the punishment. Or that they have done nothing wrong but must be 'taught' and trained to be obedient. Or that they have angered the dom and must suffer excessive punishment.
TEAM-WORK & WRITING ROLE PLAY
Because it is role play, and both parties are willing participants, the person acting as victim is allowed to opt out at any point. Especially as the scene may take them in new directions and it has to be satisfying and enjoyable on one level for it to continue on that occasion and others.
The complication in violence or mock violence as in sex is that the victim has to work out how much pleasure the dominant needs or wants. The dominant has to work out how much pain or rough play the submissive can accept, without the submissive being endangered or simply not enjoying it and opting out.
We allow the day's stress or annoyances going back to childhood to be revenged by the Alpha male or dominatrix on the sub male or female.
Another person takes the other role. It can be permanently (24/7 as a slave). Or temporarily as submissive or brat - as short as five minutes, or in two seconds of repartee over dinner.
Clearly for safety we need to know that the dominant partner can come out of the situation - even if the sub is out of it in subspace.
Real life marriages are often one of these scenarios. But sometimes you need an outsider. A marriage guidance counsellor.
FILMS /MOVIES
Let's go back to films. In films, we can let the fantasy run riot. Hopefully no actors or animals are hurt in the film. Although one of the actors in Deliverance claims that it left a lasting effect on him.
For some people films are dangerous or upsetting. For others they are enlightening. For others they are merely an hour or two's satisfying amusement.
EUPHORIA
Whether you watch a film or play-act, the perfect end is to be left in the joyful state which we are all seeking, relaxation, calm, contentment and happiness, even euphoria, a feeling of being in control of ourselves and the world.
***Author's Amusing footnoteFor the benefit of all I used the ABC spell checker below. It wanted to turn the word have-nots into have nits.:))
Feel free to comment, friends - and enemies. To get publicity all writers need a vociferous, if daft, enemy.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
The Men And Women You Meet
This World And The Next
I classify people in four categories:
A Skilled.
Totally practical people who live in the here and now, won’t read books.
B Scientists.
All round academics – who understand the abstract, but are also practical.
C Creatives.
Writers, artists, musicians and more.
D Heaven-seekers.
The most determined are the suicide bombers - the least determined are the waverers who follow different ideas each week and give away all their money.
Cults give newcomers questionnaires. Cults are seeking waverers who will give all their money to the cult. If the waverer has no money, they can give time, and spend their apprentice years starry-eyed, not knowing what the cult it about, but recruiting others.
A Skilled people are helpful when you want to get things done. I respect them. Useful and sensible.
B Scientists – I admire them. They can be tough on those in other categories.
C Creatives are the most fun. But often too other-worldly. Ask a creative writer, musician, or artist what he does for a living and he’ll insist 'I am a writer,' or composer, whatever, even if he makes no money from it.
D When the heaven seekers can’t tell the difference between fact and fiction they can be comical. Children shout at clowns to avoid what’s behind you but listen innocently and agog to stories.
Adult heaven seekers may be harmless people who rely on dreams and promises of heaven and hopes of winning the lottery and dreams.
The become dangerous when they disregard the feelings and safety of people in this world.
The sooner they leave the rest of us the better. Especially if you are trying to get something practical done, such as put u a tent, or make a five year plan for a pension scheme.
I classify people in four categories:
A Skilled.
Totally practical people who live in the here and now, won’t read books.
B Scientists.
All round academics – who understand the abstract, but are also practical.
C Creatives.
Writers, artists, musicians and more.
D Heaven-seekers.
The most determined are the suicide bombers - the least determined are the waverers who follow different ideas each week and give away all their money.
Cults give newcomers questionnaires. Cults are seeking waverers who will give all their money to the cult. If the waverer has no money, they can give time, and spend their apprentice years starry-eyed, not knowing what the cult it about, but recruiting others.
A Skilled people are helpful when you want to get things done. I respect them. Useful and sensible.
B Scientists – I admire them. They can be tough on those in other categories.
C Creatives are the most fun. But often too other-worldly. Ask a creative writer, musician, or artist what he does for a living and he’ll insist 'I am a writer,' or composer, whatever, even if he makes no money from it.
D When the heaven seekers can’t tell the difference between fact and fiction they can be comical. Children shout at clowns to avoid what’s behind you but listen innocently and agog to stories.
Adult heaven seekers may be harmless people who rely on dreams and promises of heaven and hopes of winning the lottery and dreams.
The become dangerous when they disregard the feelings and safety of people in this world.
The sooner they leave the rest of us the better. Especially if you are trying to get something practical done, such as put u a tent, or make a five year plan for a pension scheme.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
What Do People Say About You? The Pot & The Kettle
An English saying about the pot calling the kettle black refers to criticising others for your own faults.
What about when other people comment on you?
Assume
1 That people are either understating or overstating what they mean.
2 When they comment on you, they are commenting on themselves.
If they praise you, they are praising the qualities they have or wish they have.
3 If they criticise you they are criticising the faults they have or fear they have or try not to have.
4 Their hopes and fears for you are likewise their hopes and fears for themselves.
If somebody worries that you will get mugged, or hopes you will 'get lucky', it is safe to say they feel the same about themselves.
5 Many a true word spoken in gest.
What about when other people comment on you?
Assume
1 That people are either understating or overstating what they mean.
2 When they comment on you, they are commenting on themselves.
If they praise you, they are praising the qualities they have or wish they have.
3 If they criticise you they are criticising the faults they have or fear they have or try not to have.
4 Their hopes and fears for you are likewise their hopes and fears for themselves.
If somebody worries that you will get mugged, or hopes you will 'get lucky', it is safe to say they feel the same about themselves.
5 Many a true word spoken in gest.
Why Tall & Short People Like Each Other
Now I can answer the question 'What Are You Looking For?' in a new way. I am looking for people who make me feel at ease. Short people.
But I am also looking for people who excite me. Tall people.
The Psychology of Short People
We shorties have what I call the 'Little Napoleon' complex.
The owner of a hotel group was the same. I went to a press do and when he took the microphone I thought, why did anybody pick that little guy to do PR? Then I realized he was the man who ran the whole show. Small man, big hotels.
Small People - Big Fish In Small Pools
Small people are water people too. When you are swimming you are horizontal.
Tall people are simply space-consuming in a swimming pool. You can cram in more of the shorties.
I hadn't realized I have height in common with many of my later life friends. We literally see eye-to-eye.
Small Women And Tall Men
When I was a teenager I was turned on, excited, by men over six foot tall. They made me feel protected.
Thrilling Dominating Tall People
Tall people made me feel vulnerable and slightly nervous. They generated the same sort of excitement liked by the people who watch high wire circus acts and magicians throwing knives.
Those who want to participate go for sinister-looking role-play games on bondage sites with medieval dungeons and knives which look unnervingly dangerous. But the players themselves often claim such scenes are harmless fun.
The onlooker sees pairs of contrasting characters. Tall and short. They might also be old and young or black and white. For a stage act it gets attention. Sometimes getting the attention of outsiders is part of the deal.
Or public notice could be the downside, a revelation of one's secret thoughts, hopes, fears. A tall husband with a small wife could be attempting to compensate, to have children nearer the average. Or to make everyday life easier. He could be a gentle giant, helping her reach high shelves and carry heavy shopping.
They might have chosen each other despite the differences. Or because of them. As the French say, Vive la difference.
Thrill-seeking
Now I can see what they are seeking. It's known as thrill-seeking. Same feeling generated on bigger dippers and theme park rides.
Just enough danger to send adrenalin pumping through you and get the blood circulating to all the vital parts. Wakes you up when you were bored and lethargic.
How Tall Are You
Whenever I see a very tall person, I stop them to ask how tall they are. I don't expect them to be annoyed. I expect them to feel flattered.
I have noticed them. They stand out from the crowd. They may not have chosen to be or look tall. They may look taller than they really are because of being slim, or wearing heeled shoes. I am admiring, envious, of them because they have a quality I don't have. They must know this.
I am playing at being vulnerable little girl. I am like a toddler again, in a world of taller adults.
At first I was always gushing with excitement and admiration. The tall person, sometimes overwhelmed by my admiration, either by accident or design, quelled my over-admiration by describing the downside to being tall. Hitting your head on doorways. Having difficulty finding big clothes and shoes and furniture.
After a conversation with a tall person who turned the discussion in that direction, on the next occasion I followed the same pattern. I ended by asking if there were any difficulties they faced and how they solved them.
I am elevating them to tall parent. Even when I am asking them about their problems, do they have trouble with low doors and short beds, I am still sympathizing with them and putting myself in their position, seeing things from their point of view.
But I am also revealing low-level (unintended pun there) jealousy and envy. Showing that my thought process is: 'He or she has height I never had; but I mustn't be miserable and feel disadvantaged because being tall is not always an advantage.
I'm not an ill-wisher, like people casting the evil eye. I am smiling and singling them our for attention.
If it's a chat to a tall waiter or waitress, yet the conversation moves to the disadvatages of being tall, I have also signalled to my smaller dining partner, 'Don't worry, dear. We shorties are just fine. No need to be any taller. It would create as many problems as it solves.
'You are tall enough for me, partner. And I am tall enough for you.'
Yes, I am looking for tall people and short people. I am looking to see the good in everybody.
But I am also looking for people who excite me. Tall people.
The Psychology of Short People
We shorties have what I call the 'Little Napoleon' complex.
The owner of a hotel group was the same. I went to a press do and when he took the microphone I thought, why did anybody pick that little guy to do PR? Then I realized he was the man who ran the whole show. Small man, big hotels.
Small People - Big Fish In Small Pools
Small people are water people too. When you are swimming you are horizontal.
Tall people are simply space-consuming in a swimming pool. You can cram in more of the shorties.
I hadn't realized I have height in common with many of my later life friends. We literally see eye-to-eye.
Small Women And Tall Men
When I was a teenager I was turned on, excited, by men over six foot tall. They made me feel protected.
Thrilling Dominating Tall People
Tall people made me feel vulnerable and slightly nervous. They generated the same sort of excitement liked by the people who watch high wire circus acts and magicians throwing knives.
Those who want to participate go for sinister-looking role-play games on bondage sites with medieval dungeons and knives which look unnervingly dangerous. But the players themselves often claim such scenes are harmless fun.
The onlooker sees pairs of contrasting characters. Tall and short. They might also be old and young or black and white. For a stage act it gets attention. Sometimes getting the attention of outsiders is part of the deal.
Or public notice could be the downside, a revelation of one's secret thoughts, hopes, fears. A tall husband with a small wife could be attempting to compensate, to have children nearer the average. Or to make everyday life easier. He could be a gentle giant, helping her reach high shelves and carry heavy shopping.
They might have chosen each other despite the differences. Or because of them. As the French say, Vive la difference.
Thrill-seeking
Now I can see what they are seeking. It's known as thrill-seeking. Same feeling generated on bigger dippers and theme park rides.
Just enough danger to send adrenalin pumping through you and get the blood circulating to all the vital parts. Wakes you up when you were bored and lethargic.
How Tall Are You
Whenever I see a very tall person, I stop them to ask how tall they are. I don't expect them to be annoyed. I expect them to feel flattered.
I have noticed them. They stand out from the crowd. They may not have chosen to be or look tall. They may look taller than they really are because of being slim, or wearing heeled shoes. I am admiring, envious, of them because they have a quality I don't have. They must know this.
I am playing at being vulnerable little girl. I am like a toddler again, in a world of taller adults.
At first I was always gushing with excitement and admiration. The tall person, sometimes overwhelmed by my admiration, either by accident or design, quelled my over-admiration by describing the downside to being tall. Hitting your head on doorways. Having difficulty finding big clothes and shoes and furniture.
After a conversation with a tall person who turned the discussion in that direction, on the next occasion I followed the same pattern. I ended by asking if there were any difficulties they faced and how they solved them.
I am elevating them to tall parent. Even when I am asking them about their problems, do they have trouble with low doors and short beds, I am still sympathizing with them and putting myself in their position, seeing things from their point of view.
But I am also revealing low-level (unintended pun there) jealousy and envy. Showing that my thought process is: 'He or she has height I never had; but I mustn't be miserable and feel disadvantaged because being tall is not always an advantage.
I'm not an ill-wisher, like people casting the evil eye. I am smiling and singling them our for attention.
If it's a chat to a tall waiter or waitress, yet the conversation moves to the disadvatages of being tall, I have also signalled to my smaller dining partner, 'Don't worry, dear. We shorties are just fine. No need to be any taller. It would create as many problems as it solves.
'You are tall enough for me, partner. And I am tall enough for you.'
Yes, I am looking for tall people and short people. I am looking to see the good in everybody.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
DATINGANDMATINGGUIDE
Dating and Mating Guide - Your Guide To What People Think, Say And Do
I write to a friend that during his visit to London, England, I would like to go to Edinburgh Festival with him, but he would probably have 'better things to do'.
(I am censoring the language I used.)
He wrote back that it was a bizarre e-mail.
I replied.
Simply assume
1 That people are either understating or overstating what they mean.
2 When they comment on you, they are commenting on themselves.
If they praise you, they are are praising the qualities they have or wish they have.
3 If they criticize you they are criticizing the faults they have or fear they have or try not to have.
4 Their hopes and fears for you are likewise their hopes and fears for themselves.
If somebody worries that you will get mugged, or hopes you will 'get lucky', it is safe to say they feel the same about themselves.
5 Many a true word spoken in gest.
My bizarre email translated means:
Your trip is short.
I would like to see you.
I would like to go to Edinburgh with you.
But I fear you will be too busy to go to Edinburgh.
Because I fear I shall be too busy to go to Edinburgh.
Your priorities will possibly be not Edinburgh but what is politely described as seeing long-standing friends.
Angela, too, hardly has any time for Edinburgh.
She, too, would make seeing special friends a priority.
It would be nice to have 'better things to do'. ROFL.
A private audience is better than a public audience.
Better the bird, or boy, in the hand, than the boy in the bush. ROFL.
She has previously had 'better things to do' ... and hopes this will be so in future.
At the time of the Edinburgh, she wishes she were, or will be. (Grammar subjunctive fails me.)
----- Original Message -----
Dating and Mating Guide - Your Guide To What People Think, Say And Do
I write to a friend that during his visit to London, England, I would like to go to Edinburgh Festival with him, but he would probably have 'better things to do'.
(I am censoring the language I used.)
He wrote back that it was a bizarre e-mail.
I replied.
Simply assume
1 That people are either understating or overstating what they mean.
2 When they comment on you, they are commenting on themselves.
If they praise you, they are are praising the qualities they have or wish they have.
3 If they criticize you they are criticizing the faults they have or fear they have or try not to have.
4 Their hopes and fears for you are likewise their hopes and fears for themselves.
If somebody worries that you will get mugged, or hopes you will 'get lucky', it is safe to say they feel the same about themselves.
5 Many a true word spoken in gest.
My bizarre email translated means:
Your trip is short.
I would like to see you.
I would like to go to Edinburgh with you.
But I fear you will be too busy to go to Edinburgh.
Because I fear I shall be too busy to go to Edinburgh.
Your priorities will possibly be not Edinburgh but what is politely described as seeing long-standing friends.
Angela, too, hardly has any time for Edinburgh.
She, too, would make seeing special friends a priority.
It would be nice to have 'better things to do'. ROFL.
A private audience is better than a public audience.
Better the bird, or boy, in the hand, than the boy in the bush. ROFL.
She has previously had 'better things to do' ... and hopes this will be so in future.
At the time of the Edinburgh, she wishes she were, or will be. (Grammar subjunctive fails me.)
----- Original Message -----
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