Speaking Positively - how it helps

 A member of one of my Toastmasters clubs is in a WhatsApp group. I see a distressing message from 'F'. She wants to take legal action against C for harassing her. She demands that I support her in this. She proposes to go higher up the orgnization and says she is no longer a member of our club because of the ill-will.

I think about this. If F is no longer a member of our club, then the next level of authrity cannot hold a meeting to consider expelling a member, because the member who has left cannot take any action, and cannot herself be expelled if she is found to be the one at fault. 

My experience of the internal court process is that it is very time consuming and time time wasting. Many epople have to be brought in as witnesses or potential witnesses regarding a meeting. If the event was several months or years ago, it was before the jurisdiction of the present volunteer leaders. They currently have their own priorities, which is expanding membership, with rewards, not attempting to punish people and thus lose yet another member. Certainly the stress will have an adverse effect on the productivity and morale of people at all levels. 

F has health problems and her moods go up and down. She has told a religious group that she is changing her religion from theirs to another religion.

C is my close friend. She has a health problem and a relationship split. She can do without stress. (So can I!)  

I try to ignore it and get on with my work.

The club President is very diplomatic. He suggests to F that they go offline and have a private chat to see if the relationship between F and C can be healed.

I phone C to find out her side of the story.

She says

a) She tired to phone F many times to help her, but the calls were not answered.

She invited F to a book launch. F accepted but never turned up.

b)

The Current F and C Altercation

I asked F about the event she accepted but did not attend. 

(I did not say anything about reliability, meaning that if you say you will do somthing, or that you will be somewhere, you should go along. If not send apologies. Say, I hope it went well, or, I am glad it went well.)

F replied, that she accepted out of politeness, but had a better activity to attend. 

Perhaps the solution to this is to suggest that you would like to attend but probably will not. 

For example, 'I will, if I can. I am waiting to hear confirmation of a medical appointment which is scheduled for that date. If they postpone it, I will be able to come along, but don't count on it.'  

F has a birthday coming up. 

J replied, 'I would love to be there, but unfortunately I am overseas.' (A common prhase from those who decline is, I do hope it goes well.)

You don't have to give a real or imaginary more important rival engagement. You simply have to call it a prior engagement. if you change your mind and attend, you might say, truthfully or as a polite white lie, 'I persuaded them to change their meeting date."

I told F that C has a medical problem. (I did not say, I don't want you to stress her.) I said, People who have medical problems often get upsest with the whole world, even their friends. It's like when a dog is taken to the vet. The vet tries to help the dog, but the dog tires to bite the vet, because it is in pain and does not know the cause, so it attacks the nearest living thing. 

The vet has to understand that the sick dog will probably be all friendly again as soon as the medical problem is solved. It is not the the vet's fault. He just happens to be in the way.

Sometimes people are old and sick and get grumpy. They may be upset because they know they are old and sick. or they may not even realise that they are sick, but the illness affects them and makes their mood change. They don't have the energy to cope with life. 

If you can't help them, it may be in your interests just to stay out of their way.

Another Altercation F has had with S, five years ago

F says she was invited to F's private, corporate business association club meeting by a third party who was not at the meeting. S would not admit her and got the guard of the building to prevent her entering.

I said, I have had the same problem with S's condo, and with offices in the business district. Firstly, the guard is not allowed to admit you unless you are on a guest list or have written confirmation. If she tries to argue with the guard on your behalf, the guard might turn on her and ban her club from meeting there again. She is busy running a meeting and does not have time to argue with the guard, nor get stressed out. You just have to go away and make sure that next time you are invited by somebody in authority, and can present the written invitation to the guard.

Instead of getting angry because you could not attend the meeting, apologise. Why?

F complains that S told her to kill herself. 

I do not know whether that was true. It sounded unlikely. Unless F had threated to do so. Even if S had threatened to kill F, that sounded unlikely. However, I was reminded of a true incident.

I said to F:

Different cultures have different views on what is an insult or a threat, whether between stranger, friends of family. Even within the same country.

For example, I went to collect my son from his schoolfriend's house. The other boy's mother came running out of the house after her son, shouting, 'I'll kill you!'

I was shocked, horrified. In my entire life, I had never heard anybody in my family say such a thing to anybody, certainly not to their nearest and dearest.

My son shrugged. He explained, "That's the way they talk.. They say it all the time. They all say it. It doesn't mean they'll do it. It's just the way they talk. Don't let it upset you."

So threatening to take legal action against somebody who talks like that would just be a waste of your time. You are stressing youserlf for nothing. If their way of talking upsets you, just keep away from them. Have nothing more to do with them. Don't talk to them. 

There are plenty of people who like you and say nice things to you all the time. Don't get upset about one person who said something nasty five years ago. You have five people who have said nice things to you this year and this week.

Do you have any nice things to look forward to? Are you doing anything successful at work? Will you be doing anything important? Think about that. Put up on the notice board the event, or holiday, which you are looking forward to. Every time you think about the past wrong, forget it. You can't change the past. You need your psoitive thoughts and energy to do good things for yourself in the future. Instead look at what you have to put your energy into. A holiday. A conference. An event. A meeting. A party. A concert. A play. A contest. A game.

If you run into your old enemy, treat them as a friend. Long time no see. Glad to see you looking so well. Good of you to come. You are looking great. Love your hat. Your friends are a credit to you.

Apologise

We have a joke in England that you can identify an Englishman in a pub. You tread on his foot, and he apologises to you! 

That prevents an argument. It doesn't matter who was right or wrong. What matters is to maintain goodwill.

Do you want to provoke a fight? No! Why have more stress!

Be nice, try to aplologise, and often the person will be nice to you.

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How should a lady act?

Always leave a room as you find it. Plump up the sofa cushions. Remove used cups, drink cans. Unlike the popular song, you should not leave behind cigarettes in the ash tray.

What is a gentleman?

Clothes and Appearance
   A gentleman wears a tie (or cravat) with a shirt. He never wears jeans and tee-shirts on a first date. He does not show his chest in a restaurant. He does not have a beard, moustache, nor show chest hair in a restaurant. He is never bare-chested in a public place except on a beach. He does not have missing teeth.


Car
   He cleans the car. he removes clutter and dead leaves from the footwell. He clears the passenger seat.

Restaurants
   He does not eat in the street. He ensures that his companion has something to eat or drink every couple of hours. He warns if he has to finish a meal early and checks his companion has time for dessert and coffee and if necessary hurries the service.

  He drinks water with wine so he does not get drunk nor have bad breath. He does not invite you out just for a coffee then describe the five course dinner he ate last night.

   If he chats to the waiter he looks at his companion every second or third sentence to include her in the conversation.

Conversation
   He does not talk only about himself and how wonderful he is all evening. He stops every third sentence to allow the other person to speak, agree, or ask questions.

Toilets
   Do not leave the toilet seat up. Especially not when visiting a lady. The next man to arrive, her husband, father, son, neighbour, worker, mother, daughter, sister, brother, colleague, boss, employee, male or female, will raise the eyebrows and wonder, 'Who has she been entertaining.'

How to choose, court, meet a girl on a dating site

1 First choose the right girl.
A photo shows how pretty she is.
Her profile shows how interesting she is.

2 Is it worthwhile to follow up if no answers?
Yes, she might have been overseas, working, still seeing somebody old, seeing somebody new which didn't work out, or mislaid your initial note but doesn't like to admit it.
But reply positively. remembered her. Suggest positive results. Might still like to drop me a line, maybe meet.

3 Check her location? Is the destination suitable for her?
Don't travel to a far destination to meet her and then find she lives round the corner to you and you could have saved both the travel.

4 Follow up with how much you enjoyed meeting her. If she was OK but not special enough, would suit somebody but not you, admit it but keep her in your circle. You've already agreed not to meet again, suggest you have a friend she might like, and maybe she has a friend you might like. Arrange a foursome in which you meet one of her friends and she meets one of yours. At least you know who might like her. And vice versa.

Keep her on your list for a Xmas party, housewarming, game of bridge, dinner party, club outing, pub get together, reunion, whatever. Get all your friends who do dating to invite back the people they met in the area.  

Writing An Encouraging Profile

Profiles sometimes catch your attention and make you think although they fail to stir you to action and reply. today I had some thoughts about how a profile could be improved. And I'm using this as a memorable example.

Accentuate The Positive

Today I noticed a profile from a man who was a middle-aged virgin and said he was 'desperate'.

The word desperate was already off-putting. Any negative word is off-putting. Look for a positive word. A better word would have been keen.

Desperate evokes a series of images, which might be wrong, and irrelevant. 

It means different things to different people. To me it suggested that contacting him was taking a risk because things could go from bad to worse:

1 A loser. A failure. Has never attracted a woman. A loner. No friends. Unattractive.

2 Deeply unhappy. Possibly a depressive. Could even be suicidal.

3 A man willing to pay for sex. His ad might attract call girls.

4 Somebody with no alternative - might become a stalker. 

5 Too clinging. A million problems. Why has he never attracted anybody? Plain? Stupid? Poor health? Criminal record? Been in prison? Always lived at home? Mama's boy? Homeless? Would he want not just sex but money and a home?

6 Total submissive? No confidence? No ideas? No initiative? Can't study, hold down a job, organize a date at a romantic restaurant. Can't buy a bunch of flowers. No persistence?

7 No social graces. Low IQ. Possible mental problems.

All these ideas floated through my head - caused by just one word!

I was not interested in meeting him but was sufficiently curious to read down his list of attributes. 

Under children I expected him to say none. I would have thought - obviously, no sex means no children.

But he had ticked on or clicked on no answer which comes up as 'prefer not to say'. 

Why?

Too lazy to fill in the form?

Too evasive to answer the simplest question.

Hiding something - actually has adopted children - here my imagination runs riot. With no clues from him I run a checklist of every possibility to see what is possible or likely. He has had a sexless marriage and adopted children. Or married an older woman who already had children but didn't want sex. 

He has been a priest. Or teacher. At a boarding school. A special needs school.

I have given you a lot of negatives. Now let me brighten up this blog. I would also like to reassure anybody who has included any of these three ideas (virgin, desperate, prefer not to say whether I have children) that they can re-write to create a more positive impression.

Desperate

As I said earlier, look for positive words. And positive thoughts.

For positive words, use a thesaurus.

Play happy music. 

Imagine you are a GP (to any American readers - a British General Practitioners is a family doctor). Adopt a jolly bedside manner or the cheeriness of the doctor. 

So let's change the word desperate. The doctor or adviser or counsellor says, 'So Mr Desperate, you have now decided to take action to solve your problem. Excellent. You are keen to meet a nice lady. What are you looking for? Who would you get on with? What can you offer her?'

I now see why some dating sites have done the work for you. They ask you to describe yourself, and they put hints in brackets.

They even ask why somebody would want to meet you.

Why would anybody want to meet a desperate man?

Why would anybody want to meet a virgin?

And how can he counteract the impressions I suggested earlier.

Here are a few suggestions:

I think you will see from this how a profile can be improved. Amazingly, after one nods one's head in agreement, thinking, well, this is common sense, this is obvious, often you go back to your own writing and find you have hastily written off the thought of the moment. Your first thought was not checked at the time. Nor later. There in your own writing, are all the errors which, when made by other people, were so obvious that you tutted and shook your head and wondered why they could not see.

Excuse me - I must go off and check what else I wrote today, giving the impression that I'm some negative, awkward person. When, of course, I am all sweetness and light. I ooze kindness. I am positive thinking, and the most intelligent, insightful and charming person you could hope to meet or read!  Anybody would love to meet me.

Positive Attitude Pays

I like people who are positive. Happy. Fun to be with. I'm looking for somebody who gets on well with anybody and everybody. Determined to have a happy evening. Planning little surprises. Even if we don't like each other, it will be a memorable evening. Liking somebody is not just looks. Nor money. Nor morals. Nor having a job. Nor even being moral and of unblemished character. Plenty of horrid people get married. At one time they were nice to the person who decide to marry them. (Then they stopped trying.) There's a saying, 'A man who opens a restaurant must smile.' If you run a business or are in sales or the media you have to get on well with everybody.

I've read lots of blogs by other women on dating sites. Many of the women talk about what annoys them:

1 Men not reading the woman's profile. No teamwork. No interest in what she wants.

2 A variation on the previous - demands that the woman conforms to what the man wants.

3 Confrontation.

Playing hard to get might work with some people but a mature woman like me appreciates being treasured. By a man who is calm and confident. Happy to have a pleasant evening. Determined to have fun and enjoy himself. No good a man looking for 'fun' with a miserable face. If that makes you laugh, and smile and nod, then you are my sort of person.  

Assuming you've got past he email stage to speaking on the phone and discussing arranging a date. He might ask, 'What if we don't like each other?' 

There are some funny replies I could make. Such as: 

a) You've got to be better than the man I married. 

b) How could I not like you? You are such a nice person. 

c) You must be better than the last three I met.  

(a) The one whose fiancee had committed suicide. He was so miserable, I wasn't surprised.  

(b) The man who told me he had just enough money to get by - after we'd ordered a three course meal. I spent the whole of dinner worrying whether he would pay and if he would starve for a month. Fortunately food was included in his live in job at a public school (private school to readers in the USA)  

(c) The man who was a singer, which sounded jolly, except he never spoke above a whisper. We sat in a place with loud music. He thought I was going deaf. I thought he need assertiveness training.  

They all kept me mesmerized all evening. Somehow they weren't happy and confident enough to reach a second date.  

Worrying about short term or long term is a waste of time. Why worry about whether we could get on long term? If we really get on well, we'll work it out.  

If we can't get through a conversation on the phone, we won't get to a date, never mind more. As for the negatives, people can be like Romeo and Juliet, battle on despite the whole world being against them.  

So, how about the man who asks, 'What if we don't like each other?' We might not like each other, but we both have enough experience and wit and good will to be entertaining. We should be appreciative of somebody who has faced the uncertainty and stress of the meeting, and the time and trouble to get to the meeting place. They have cleared their evening, allocated time, made an effort.  

I have doubts if I hear too many fears. 'What if we don't like each other?' Sounds like this person is going to take a look at you and walk out. Sounds like many people would take a look at the speaker and walk out.  

On the other hand, I am a bit wary about 'I'm in love with you already!' That sounds like the other person is unrealistic and will find I don't match their expectations.  

I like a calm, confident, happy, realistic optimistic. Everybody likes me. I like everybody I meet. I always have an interesting time. But I have a much better time if I stick to people who are determined to have a great time. I think you will, too.

And make sure you give the other person the impression that you will be fun to be with.

Saying too Much - Don't Lose It - How To Find It

Don't say too much. Could they possibly object to your interests in guns and tanks, snakes and crocodiles, crossword puzzles and gnomes, aligning your vases and trees in Feng Shui, and is that absolutely essential?

At this time there's no point in getting frantic because he or she prefers jazz to opera or tennis to swimming - if you forever make demands for exact matches you never meet anybody.

SUCCESSFUL PHONE CALLS - HORRORS & HEAVEN

SUCCESSFUL PHONE CALLS Sound happy when you answer. Smile. 

And when recording messages which others listen to.

Don't say, 'I don't know what to say,' but, 'I'd love to talk to you.' or, 'I'd love to meet you.' a) Bad sign - long interrogation. it sounds as if he wants to adapt to your wishes. It is unlikely that he is going to adapt to your wishes.He wants to know if you will adapt to his. It sounds as if he is expressing a polite interest. He isn't. He is likely to keep you answering questions for an hour and then tell you no thanks. Time wasting and disappointing. Cut the conversation short especially if you are working or people are about to arrive and if he wants to meet you will tell him more. (On the other hand, you might not want to discuss personal matters in a public place.) Are you getting positive feedback or just questions? Keep questions and answers even between the two or you. Don't reveal a lot unless the other person tells you - even then you might want to be more discreet or stop the other person. Do you want them to tell you all sorts of things you'd rather not know - on a first call from a total stranger. b) Good sign - Sounds pleased to see you. Even if it's not a good time, keen to speak to you later. Already interested in meeting. c) Uses positive words. You click with them on the phone. SUCCESSFUL MEETINGS Surveys have shown it can take about 20-25 meetings to meet Mr or Miss Right. So you have to be prepared to spend a lot of time with people who are friendly but not special. That's no different to what you have been doing for a week, or weeks, or years in life in general - and why you are on a dating site. What doesn't work? When you meet and conversation falls apart. Maybe they simply fail to turn you on. UNSUCCESSFUL MEN & WOMEN CONVERSATIONS a) The fearful submissive who is boring and blank and is willing to do anything but cannot drive a car or cook an egg or make coffee other than instant, or even instant coffee because they only drink water and they are too scared to travel b) The aggressive, either high status but lacking manners, or no status of any kind to give authority c) Social meeting only - but no chemistry - no meeting of eyes. d) No social skills - no meeting of eyes. (Note when meeting eyes you should smile - otherwise it's aggressive. Be friendly. e) Too rigid - 'You MUST' (be available on the third Thursday of the month, wear a jacket with pink spots etc) f) Obsessively self-centred stuck in their own past with no conversation - after three hours listening to what happened to them when they were two years old you feel like watching the TV news, reading a newspaper and discussing films with the people at the next table g) Physically not it or unnerving - most entertaining but you cannot foresee a relationship with somebody who has crossed yellow-brown teeth, swellings on their lips and eyes, dirty cracked fingernails, a bandage on their face, a bleeding neck and an arm in a sling, and two walking sticks and a story with gruesome details about their last operation.

h) Long stories about the death of their previous spouse or partner or friend - gives the listener the feeling of am I next and this person is miserable and a loser. The old saying goes, smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone.

You might notice that when you start to talk about the death of your parents or children or spouse the other person listens intently for three minutes then suddenly decides it's time to leave. Learn for next time. No more than two sentences about sad subjects. It's no use saying, 'You don't want to know!' That creates a mystery and a challenge and worries them and sounds like you are playing hard to get and really want to tell so they will say, 'Yes, I do.' Change the subject to something jollier. Or ask them about something good in their life.

i) Some people just don't inspire you with confidence that they are in charge of a date or their life - after they spend forty minutes telling you how they lost all their money you start to worry whether they can afford coffee and a muffin or whether they want to 'borrow a fiver'. j) A man used the phrases 'I need money the money,' and 'I am looking for a rich widow'. But even though the listener has a good friend at work who fits this description she might not want to burden her with a loser. He lives nearby and is free over Christmas - but never married and in final paragraph admits he is looking for a penpal. MORE UNSUCCESSFUL WOMEN ON DATES a) Much older than was claimed. Old photo. 

A man aged 35-75 who is grey haired and balding expects a young blonde, but is outraged when he meets a woman who is grey haired and balding. He thinks that grey hair makes him looks distinguished. But not her. No comment. b) Sexy woman looking for a no strings attached relationship turns out to be a call girl and asks for money. (If men, especially those not showing photos, say they want a no strings attached relationship and demand much younger women, on adult or general sites, they often get bimbos, gold-diggers, young nymphos or call girls.) c) Date has broad shoulders and big feet - you suspect a transvestite. (If men show pictures of male nudes they attract gay or bisexual men. Real women tend to fall for a smiling faces. Strange, isn't it?) d) Attractive - but not to the person they are with. Talked on mobile to others throughout dinner. At this point the man thinks his date is not interested. He cut short dinner, only meets for coffee. But maybe she was on the phone because his conversation did not involve her.

SUCCESSFUL & FLEXIBLE

You are fortunately if you have the date you want nearby - happily separated from ex - looks after family but has plenty of time to meet - willing to give out phone number - happy to meet for an elegant lunch dinner so the woman can dress up and look good. People sometimes ask, What if we don't get on? Often you find couples where one talks and the other listens. But the listener must be devoted. However, extraverts often look for somebody like themselves, the sort of person who gets on well with everybody. If you are in the media or sales, you have to get on. Anybody who runs a successful business is either totally ruthless or they make it their business to get on. If a man is paying for my dinner I am under an obligation to be polite and charming. He has driven a long way. The very least I can do is be charming and polite. Listen. Talk. For years I've been a trailing wife and expat. I've had to sit in business meetings staying quiet or smiling at the wife of somebody I'll not see again for five years. For me to have a man giving me his total attention for a whole evening is a joy. You can call it man-woman, dom-sub, daddy-adult baby, call it what you like. I was an only child and I crave attention. I'm bright and jolly and looking for somebody bright and jolly. I go out expecting to have a good time. I'll do my half and I expect the other person to do their half. Teamwork. Everybody giving you advice has their own viewpoint. You have to listen and decide if it applies to you. You might try to change simply because what you tried before didn't work and you want to try a new approach.

Regarding meetings, I try to be totally flexible and positive - I say, 'if it doesn't work out we'll have a fun hour or so meeting anyway.' And sometimes the perfect fit is a disappointment, whilst the person who seemingly has nothing is such a laugh and such fun that you could spend all day talking nonsense and never feel under pressure. So if you really want to meet people, meet everybody who sounds safe and then you might make a new friend. It's better if you are flexible. One of you has to be easy-going and ready to meet. I hope this has helped. You can see where others go wrong and maybe where you go wrong. You know what to do to get a meeting. You may have learned something about yourself - or about me. I'd love to hear some feedback. To some extent you make your own luck. I wish you luck!

SUCCESSFUL DATING PROFILES FOR MEETINGS

How do you get to a meeting? To a second meeting? You may be interested in different things from different people. One of the biggest complaints about dating sites is that you never meet anybody. SUCCESSFUL PROFILES You don't want to say too little nor too much. First there's too little. One man wanted to know if anybody was real because nobody replied. I looked at his profile. Every answer was 'prefer not to say' or 'tell you later'. A woman reading his profile would be asking herself, is he real? He did not have a single conversation opener. Nothing to make you say, 'He sounds interesting!' Nothing to make you remember him after scanning sixty profiles. Say something about your job and why you like it, or what you would like to do. And something about your leisure activities. Especially those for a first date. On the other hand, you can be in danger of saying too much. A successful women can get emails from introverts who say, in effect, 'You sound too educated for me,' or, 'You sound too bossy,' or, simply, 'I'm scared to meet you.' I think - what sort of man is he? He sees an interesting woman and writes to her that he is scared to meet. He has no confidence. No PR. He is warning her that he may never be courageous enough to meet, so she risks wasting time writing. Some men write aggressive emails. "You sound horrible." (So why did he bother to write?) Or challenging emails. Such as, 'Are you a gold-digger? Or, ''Why would a rich man like me want to meet you? Compliments should address the person. Not 'I love your picture' without saying anything about it. Nor 'I love your profile' without saying anything about it. You can pick anything: I love the hat. I like beards. Or a question, 'Where was that photo taken?' You should sound happy with the other person and willing to meet. What could stop you meeting or go wrong when you meet? Sometimes you click with somebody on the page. You manage to exchange phone numbers. I think the man should give his out first. It reassures the woman. And he should phone her. You are then on your way to a meeting. You are meeting on the phone.

Do you pass the photo test?

Do you pass the photo test? 1 A photo of any sort - to show willing. It should show you are sufficiently computer savvy to take a photo and load it up. Otherwise, the other person reasons, how are you going to get confident enough to actually phone and meet. If you have no kind of photo it suggests you will never give out a phone number nor meet. Show you are bright and savvy. 2 Photo of personality. Any woman on any dating site or even in possession of Skype or a mobile phone gets dozens of contacts from people who are scamming and saying 'Phone me' 'Contact me'. She does not know that you are not a scam trying to get her email or maybe even using a borrowed photo of a celebrity. Or you twenty years ago. She wants a current photo showing the real person. Show you are real. 3 A smile. Yes, a smile. Do I really want to spend even ten minutes talking to or listening to or meeting a person who frowns, scowls or is miserable. I want somebody who will cheer me up. 

You probably know the saying, 'Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone.' It's easy to forget this. A taxi driver once interrupted my complaint to say, "Lady - I've got problems of my own.' Nobody wants to see somebody scowling. I've rather have coffee with a jolly neighbour or watch TV. I would like to meet somebody bright, cheerful and smiling. 4 Hair.Young-looking hair. Yes, hair. Why would I swap a perfectly good man for somebody twenty years older or looking twenty years older? I know men go bald at 35. I might like a bald man. I might tolerate a bald man. But he would have to have everything else - looks, education, a job, money - at least evidence of being solvent, a smile.

This you can fix easily. If you don't have hair, you can wear a hat - not a baseball cap, but a hat.

Or dye hair black or brown.

Why not?

A man doesn't want a woman with grey hair. Why does he think a blonde woman wants a man who is grey and shabby?

If you want to be on the dole and out of work and out of dates stay there looking old and decrepit. You could take yourself to a barber or give yourself a makeover.

Imagine you are going to a job interview, competing with men ten years younger.

You are competing with younger men. Yes, women get emails from men ten years younger than you. Women over fifty get emails from students under 21 - some of them virgins!

Bald and grey suggests impotence and prostate trouble. Along with a heart by-pass. And hospital visits. 5 Rough beards - yuk!

I had a relationship founder because every time a man tried to kiss me it felt like a shoebrush.

If you look like a hedgehog you don't suggest cuddly.

Wash it with conditioner. Make sure it is not even more hair showing that you are grey and old and faded.

Even a soft beard would suggest lazy and self-centred and not presentable. 6 No pets in pictures

I haven't seen a site called dates with dogs. Or pet people. I think there is one. But I've had bridge games, outings and dinner dates cancelled, postponed or delayed by people who can't get a dog-sitter, dog ran in road, dog died, can't go on holiday, can't go away for weekend, dog died and kids are crying, dog can't be left alone, must go home early to feed dog, dog is lost on highway - dog in bed in threesome - dog must like you and you must like dog - trousers and shoes smell of dog pooh ...

Pets are great in zoos. Not on a first date. If you don't get a first date, you don't get a second. 

Dogs are a distraction to those who want to meet for coffee or dinner. 

And those who want to jump into bed.

Also leaves the delicate reader wondering if you really had something kinky and illegal in mind. And on that happy note I shall go back to my inbox and answer the one interesting. smiling man who sent me a photo. I remember him. (Leaving aside other emails and photos from people who wonder what they could have done to get noticed by a woman.) I hope this helps. I can't guarantee that if you follow this advice you will get answers from me or any other woman. But at least you know if you can pass the photo test.

Dates - Selling Yourself To Your Soulmate?

There is no need to sell yourself to those who have goodwill. I'd rather think of a date as a potential friend and if more develops be pleasantly surprised. A survey by one of the dating sites showed that those who meet their soulmate instantly are the exception. The average is 25 dates. 

So two people would have 50 dates. But that means that if some are meeting instantly, to have an average of 25 dates, if one person meets their soulmate on date one, another must meet their soulmate on date 49!

Some are meeting soulmates after one to five dates, which means others must need to meet up to 250 people!  That would be one a day for more than six months. Three a week for two years. One a week for four years. One a month for years and years ... (I'm not sure - mental maths is not my strongest suit. I have to check numbers on paper, twice.) 

You could aim for fewer, better people. But by being picky you might cut out those who have potential - smokers who are quitting, sick people who get cured, dog owners who don't replace the dog which died, bearded men who shave off their beard, fat people who go on diets, widows and divorcees who get over the setback, and so on. 

Some people think you should not go for quality but quantity, like talent shows. See many without making any rules. Endure lots of no-hopers. Plus those who failed first time around, who improved themselves and persisted in coming back better. Just waiting for the good one to turn up.

Therefore to expect every stranger you meet to be your soulmate means you are doomed to endless disappointment. (Some success comes to those who end up finding that a person who was just a friend turns into the soulmate several months or even years later. Even with heart-warming success rate of Friends Reunited - looking at it logically, these were people who missed out on getting together first time around. So just go out, without expecting too much, and make friends.  

Put plenty of effort into it - expect to get on really well, but don't expect to meet the 100% perfect person.  You need one or more common interests and a reasonable amount of goodwill to get on.

Internet social site tips - Why Not Send A Recent Photo?

A man put up a profile with a photo which was three decades out of date. Why?

He put up a picture. So he thought a picture was important. 

It was a very nice picture. But why not a recent photo?

Many people use out of date profile pictures. Why? Because the best one was several weeks or months ago? 

If you know you are going to get a new passport or put up an online profile, get yourself a new photo. And whenever you are dressed up smartly, for example at a wedding, get lots of pictures taken. 

What impression does the viewer form on seeing an out of date photo? I imagine you are still a nice person, but totally different. I would like to relate to the current you, not to some totally false impression of you.

 

Let's suppose that your picture conveys the impression that you are young and sporty with long hair. 

Yet if you are 35 years older you are probably bald and unfit. Your readers could be the same. Or they might be quite comfortable with that

.

You must admit that a photo unlike you leads to reader to suspect you are hiding something. 

I want to know if you are smiling or scowling.

I thought I was being polite and encouraging when I  said I might like you as you are now.

Do you think that a man or woman is shallow if they want to see a photo?  To call somebody shallow is a confrontational and aggressive statement.

I don't only judge on looks. I judge on whether I get a friendly, positive reply. 

If I sent you a picture of myself 35 years ago what would you expect? 

I might have different hair colour and my age and weight could be different. You would imagine a totally different person and when we met it would take a lot of getting used to.  

On the internet there are all sorts of types, ranging from covered in tattoos to paraplegic, from waist length beard and hair to clean-shaven and totally bald. From bow tie to tee-shirt. From the sporty hiker to the bookish intellectual. 

Before starting a long correspondence or giving out personal details it is perfectly reasonable for a woman to get some idea of the man. Firstly for her own safety. Secondly because in the long run, you would meet and introduce to friends to see if they are presentable. Thirdly to angle your chat so as to co-ordinate with their lifestyle and views. 

If you get an out of date photo, all you know so far is that the poster or sender has avoided telling the truth and being friendly and positive.

If you do not post a photo for security reasons, say so.

But a photo which is several years old - nothing like you - suggests you have something to hide. 

Are you not happy with the way you look?

One of the main complaints by people on the internet is that they meet people who are nothing like the photo.

If you do not like your appearance, or think it is off-putting, then change it. If you are bald, admit it but wear a hat.

A picture is only one part of how you present yourself to others, how much you care about honesty and their opinion of you. You should be able and willing to dress reasonably presentably to suit the occasion and not embarrass others and look somebody in the eye. 

Looks are not the only and over-riding important matter - but it is important to know something about a stranger and to be able to visualise them.

I hope I have encouraged you to be happy and confident about the idea of showing a picture - which is a normal request. Don't take exception to a request for a photo. 

If I asked what you did for a living or what you studied or anything else. A request for a photo could be a deal-breaker, ore merely opening a conversation and inviting you to reveal more.  You don't want to make the other person afraid to ask or say anything  in case you get annoyed. Up to you to reply and continue in a positive fashion.

POSITIVE WRITING RULES

POSITIVE WRITING RULES

Ideally you should be entirely positive.

If you must include a negative, at least end on a positive. With practise you can learn to speak, think and feel positive all the time. So your words, thoughts, gestures and facial expressions are all positive.

 

So maybe we should stick to three rules in an email or date

Don’t say

a) ‘I have no money’

‘If you are x, move on’ (First half of that sentence says I’m a loser and a victim and a failure on this site or in the dating game. The second half of the sentence is an aggressive, belligerent statement - is this how you will behave when you end a relationship - telling the other person to go, get lost, rather than thanking them for their time and wishing them well.)

‘I am physically/mentally disabled and if you can’t deal with that ....’

Focus on the positive contribution of both partners in the relationship - I am in a wheelchair but still take part in sports and look after a business and I am looking for a loving kind person, perhaps in the nursing profession - or somebody who always wanted to be a nurse

There is a simple way to summarise this conversational over-revelation - Too Much Information.

If you are gregarious or lonely or feel it would be a good tactic to increase your options and you want to meet more people - of any type, perhaps you should say less in your profile, or fewer negative things, and more positive things.

At first sight you might think that the simple solution is not to talk about personal negatives. Is it okay not to talk about the man who attacked you in the street - only about the awful mugging described in the newspapers last week? 

The dangers are that this encourages negative thoughts, bad memories, and signals ‘let’s talk about disasters’. It can encourage a kind of victim one-downmanships. I met somebody worse than that, my medical problems are worse than yours -

If you want to find the worst about somebody else’s life straight away, okay. If I were just gathering stories for a novel, or ideas for a joke or humorous speech, that would be amusing as a one-off date. But for my dates, or for me, to do this regularly would not lead to happy evenings dating nor a long-term relationship.

The solution for better self-image and PR and prospects imagining a successful and co-operative relationship:

Focus on your successes - not on one-up manship, not on changing somebody else’s dire life, but on being initially a source of pleasure and eventually a team player.

How do you ingratiate yourself when you meet somebody and have a one minute speech?

Balance my worst holiday with my best holiday. Don’t talk about why I hate one race, religion or nationality or city, but what I like about my country, your country, my religion, your religion, what we have in common. 

-ends-

MONEY & DATING

MONEY 

A man complained to me that when he tells women on a first date that he lost all his money they don’t want a second date. He is ‘cynical’ about their motives.

There is a saying that if you keep doing the same thing, you get the same results.

Perhaps the women are doing the right thing - for themselves. They are eliminating a man who

Can’t look after money

Can’t keep personal matters secret

Does not appear to have learned from past mistakes

He complains that they are all ‘after money’ or ‘looking for security’.

Several things may be going through their mind either as a specific thought or general uneasiness:

Maybe he cannot afford to date because he is saving

He is revealing his anxiety about not having money - saying he is not enjoying the date because he can’t afford to pay the bill

If they have no money, he cannot support them when they retire or fall sick

He may be expecting the woman to support him.

If they are not gold-diggers (women with no money seeking men who have lots of money) but have a lot of money, they may feel he will lose their money, or can’t be trusted to look after it.

He is not going to want a long term relationship because he feels insecure financially and does not want any ongoing financial commitment - in other words he is going to end the relationship soon - better for the woman not to start a relationship and get emotionally involved with Mr Wrong or Mr Disappearing or Mr Unreliable. If he wants to forget past mistakes and problems and move on - he should focus on the message that he is moving on. 

Maybe he is frightening them about their own financial situation, making them worried. Some may want a man who offers financial security longterm. Others may not. But probably both types still want a sufficiently jolly get-away-from-it-all date.

They may wonder, 

Is he always going to be telling sob stories - generally miserable

He may be moving the conversation to borrowing money either because of his situation or as a con trick

This could be the start of a series of disaster stories, how he lost his money, lost his family, lost his passport - even when he gets a winning hand he can’t play it right.

Can you see the solution?  You can always put a positive slant on it. I have income rather than capital. Reverse the sentence - I don't have capital but I have income. Or - my strength is income. If you have capital rather than income - we might have a good financial fit. Or - I don't have a huge income but I can take you on a jolly night out.

Or stick to the positives. I am thrifty.

Or I like to picnic in the park - with the best M & S sandwiches, strawberries and cream and champagne.

Sweet Talk On A Date

Allow the other person to speak at the end of each sentence. maximum three sentences or three minutes and then let them agree, or say what they think, or change the subject.

Keep conversation upbeat and positive

SWEET SUBJECTS
A cookery book told me that in some countries the etiquette is that conversation at the dinner table should always be positive and happy to aid digestion.

So avoid getting maudlin.
You will depress yourself and the listener if you talk about:
a) How my family member or best friend died.
b) My serious medical problems.
The accident or disaster I saw in the street.
All the money I lost and the mistakes I made and haven’t learned how to avoid.

Stick to stories of happiness, fun, great discoveries, good places, wonderful people.

When Your Wife Had A Baby

When Your Wife Had A Baby

Were You

a Out having sex with somebody else

b Busy at work

c Buying drinks for the boys

d Phoning all your friends

e Paying the bills

f Decorating the nursery

g Sitting beside her telling her you’d decorated the nursery and paid the bills

h Shouting at her to push

i Tell her that you loved her, that you’d decorated the nursery and paid the bills, advising her to push, telling her how well she’d done, and saying the baby had your nose and her eyes and the plans you had

Your Answers

j One of the letters a to h but you now know what went wrong was you didn’t do one of the others a to i but too late, that’s the past, never mind

k One of the letters a to h but you now know that it should have been i - and you’ve learned. That experience won’t come again but you are now a wiser, stronger, more confident reliable and loving person

l Haven’t time to figure this out but very amusing - let’s have dinner

m You are a smart cookie - but I’m even smarter - you missed out the essentials - I’ll tell you my theories when I see you - let’s have dinner

n You are a smart cookie - and I’m a good match - let’s meet and talk about it and everything else over dinner

 

Safe Talk When Meeting Strangers On The Train & Internet

Strangers On The Train & Internet

Safety In Conversation
What to avoid talking about?
Drinking can make you garrulous. You could reveal too much to a stranger

Reveal whether you live alone
When you are out - and if your house is empty
How much money you have

Your desire for money (She might come across as a gold-digger.) Sex. (He might think she’s a nympho, wants sex on first date, or is a call girl.) She might think he’s sex-mad, pushy and dangerous)

Comparisons are dangerous. For example - 'my last girlfriend was perfect' sounds positive.  But maybe it suggests the listener is not). Listen to the feedback. It could be, 'I can't ....' That listener is seeing your list of relationships as a shortlist and hoping to be top. That listener would have been happier listening to compliments. If the other person ever asks, How am I doing? they are looking for praise and flattery. 

The clues are all there. Don't think up your answer a week later when it's too late. The trick is to respond immediately. Better still - get the clues before you start speaking.

You don't want to talk miserably or angrily at length about 'how 

my last girlfriend deceived me' (suggesting I’m a naive self-pitying victim). On the other hand, if the other person has been in a similar situation, you can describe it very briefly.  Can you reduce the story to one sentence - or four words - and add four or more positive words? For example, 'My last husband/wife was having constant affairs and I'll looking for somebody loyal and faithful. Is that what you are looking for?'

Talking about people who are famous and rich can lead to odious comparisons or disappointed expectations. For example, she might think:
'His best friend’s a millionaire but all he can afford is a cheap drink.'

She might think: He knows all these famous people but he’s a nobody. I agree with him - I’d like to be with Brad Pitt right now. Or
He knows these great people but doesn’t take me to meet them. So either he is lying .... or ...
He doesn’t think I’m good enough to meet them. Or -
He is losing interest in me because I’m not famous.

Safer subjects are things you enjoy - so long as the other person enjoyed them. Trying to convince somebody that something they hate is what you love and what they should love might not be your best strategy. If you disagree, ensure the conversation is not hostile and confrontational but positive. Make sure you smile.

If you’ve talked for half an hour your listener may look mesmerized. But if you never allow them to speak, it’s a monologue. When both people speak equally, you have a dialogue. 

Of course, there are couples where talkers marry listeners and extraverts marry introverts. Attraction of opposites. When the talker stops, the listener should give the speaker applause, too. 

If the speaker asks, 'Am I boring you?' he is having self-doubt, not allowing time for enough feedback. Or not getting enough of the hoped-for encouragement. 

For example, 'Interesting!' depending on the tone of voice could mean: You are nuts. You are weird. You are a victim. You are stupid. You are cruel. You never learn.  I refuse to comment in case I commit myself. I'm glad I wasn't there. I am trying to follow this roller-coaster jumble. Enough, already! You are like watching TV. I'll keep watching and hope the ending is good.

What is the closing line? Is it:

'Thank you for meeting me.' 

'Thank you for listening. '

'I've enjoyed it.' 

'We must do this again some time.' (Meaning 'No hurry. Only if nothing better turns up.)

Or: 'How about next week?'

Bear in mind that regardless of your emotional fit, some people are more inclined to plan ahead than others.

If you have entertained sombody for an evening. to make them want a second date ensure you have made them feel desirable and desired.

Self-praise modified by flattery
Disraeli flattered Queen Victoria - even though she knew she was queen of England.
And he did not praise himself. He looked for what they had in common. He did not say, 'I’m an author,' but, ‘We authors, Ma’am ...’ Now that’s something I must remember.

The Height Of Disaster - Admitting Your Height

I once had a single date and told a tall man who was over six foot tall my height - stated it as so many inches and three quarters. I could not understand why he did not date me again. 

Two years later I met him again without realizing I knew him. I had changed my hair colour and changed weight and he did not recognize me.

On second or third date he asked me my height. I told him, rounded up the figure. He replied,'That's okay. I once dated a girl who was (figure with the fraction) and that was too short.'

After a minute's silence, I said, 'You met me in Birmingham - spring two years ago!'

I'd never realized that the lack of a quarter of an inch had made me sound too short.

The second time around, again, the relationship ended. 

He just didn't like the idea of a girl who was so short.

I should have kept quiet about my real height the second time.   

  

I lost another relationship with a man who told me, after we'd arranged a dinner date, and I wanted to know his particulars so as to recognize him, that he was only five foot three. I thought about it and decided that it didn’t matter. He could wear built up shoes. On a date he could stay sitting down. Lying in bed you can be eye to eye or - all sorts of things.

However, he then cancelled the date by email. He said he was upset that I sounded flummoxed about his height and wanted somebody who liked him 100%. 

He had just gone through a divorce. I think he was being over-sensitive. 

I had agreed to meet him. We might have disliked each other anyway, or just felt lukewarm. Or we might have liked each other so much that height was not an issue, or it was an issue but with one negative and dozens of positives the total relationship scored a plus.

I think he made more of an issue with it than I did. Clearly he was a person to magnify difficulties, when he could have smoothed it over.

Many relationships succeed despite all sorts of problems. But you have to get to the confident conversation stage.

I can imagine two jolly people joking away:

Him: “Hey you’re a midget - why would a lamp-post like me want to meet a midget like you!’’

Her: “Cos you’ve never seen a midget like me. I’m the queen of midgets. And I’m the only midget who would put up with a rude lamp-post like you.” 

The Sex Museum, New York - shock! Horror!

This museum is steps away from the Jewish museum. It's on the underground station line. And you can get off here if you've bought the Gray line hop on hop off New York bus tour with recorded commentary. They mention Macy's department store founded by Jewish brothers - one of whom died on the Titanic with his devoted wife who refused to leave him and get in the life boat. The tour guide doesn't tell you to get off here for the Jewish Museum and the Sex Museum but we knew.

The Sex Museum is on two floors. The ground floor has the shop and the exhibition on animals and sex, with lots of videos taken by zoos and safari parks which have breeding programmes and fund investigation.

I already knew from a visit to a UK bird park that flamingos are encouraged to breed when they see other flamingos going at it. So the park installed mirrors to give the impression that twice the number of birds were indulging in an orgy. This method did seem successful. Makes you wonder about human peer pressure and teenage sleepover parties.

To my surprise nothing in the museum about flamingos. But my interest in wildlife had already been roused and I wanted to linger. In contrast to some of the male visitors who rushed past and upstairs to see what was shown and said about human sexuality.

Frankly, I found the information about animals quite shocking. If you think the behaviour, photos and videos of people on adult dating sites sites is uninhibited, animals are even more so. 

Some animals have group sex. Some are bisexual. Others mate with anything, any age, too young to breed, the animal equivalent of sex predators. 

A small number will pair off and stay devotedly coupled. I've been researching on line for a project for children and wonder what I dare tell them and how much to comment. A friend told me his 9 year old daughter liked watching wildlife TV programmes. One showed baby birds eating each other. He wondered whether this might upset her. But she wasn't phazed; not as much as he was. (He was concerned for the birds, himself, and his daughter. She just shrugged.)     

After this museum shock seeing animals and reading about them, I raced upstairs to catch up. (I'd lost my companion and was running short of time.)

It would take a while to read all the captions and digest the significance. They showed: condoms, art displaying sex acts of humans and robots, films though the ages and how censorship had changed and landmark films. 

And sex advice films showing different sexual positions. That was really useful.

The shop had some amusing books. One on make your own sex toys - not serious, things like woolly condoms. 

Another was on sexual versions of fairy tales. Things like Snow white and the seven gay dwarfs. I'm now sorry I didn't buy that for a laugh. I was trying not to buy heavy things because of luggage weight flying home. 

  

The shop also sold chocolate covered condoms. I think every person will get something quite different out of visiting this museum. Strange that I was shocked, but not by the human stuff at all, only by the animals.

Sex Museum Location Information

I had visited another sex museum in China, when it was in Shanghai. It has now moved to a city further south, which presumably means lower rental and makes a lesser-known city more of a tourist attraction.

In Europe other museums are in Amsterdam and Prague.

Museum of Sex

233 Fifth Avenue,

At 27th.

New York

www.museum.of sex.com

Entry fee $15+ tax, students and seniors $14+tax (no under 18s).

Beards

Is this your problem?

‘Suzie’ says:

“I had a kissing setback with a man with a beard.

“His moustache-beard was so bristly that whenever he tried to kiss me, a few seconds later he moved and I was hit by what felt like a scrubbing brush. I jumped away.

“He said he liked long kisses. Me too.

“I can't tell him the problem. He's the sensitive type.”

My solution. Maybe one could suggest conditioner. But not if he’s the sensitive type who can’t take ‘criticism’. When delivering ‘criticism’, praise before and after.

Better still have a shower and shampoo him all over and add conditioner. That's the answer.