Positive Attitude Pays

I like people who are positive. Happy. Fun to be with. I'm looking for somebody who gets on well with anybody and everybody. Determined to have a happy evening. Planning little surprises. Even if we don't like each other, it will be a memorable evening. Liking somebody is not just looks. Nor money. Nor morals. Nor having a job. Nor even being moral and of unblemished character. Plenty of horrid people get married. At one time they were nice to the person who decide to marry them. (Then they stopped trying.) There's a saying, 'A man who opens a restaurant must smile.' If you run a business or are in sales or the media you have to get on well with everybody.

I've read lots of blogs by other women on dating sites. Many of the women talk about what annoys them:

1 Men not reading the woman's profile. No teamwork. No interest in what she wants.

2 A variation on the previous - demands that the woman conforms to what the man wants.

3 Confrontation.

Playing hard to get might work with some people but a mature woman like me appreciates being treasured. By a man who is calm and confident. Happy to have a pleasant evening. Determined to have fun and enjoy himself. No good a man looking for 'fun' with a miserable face. If that makes you laugh, and smile and nod, then you are my sort of person.  

Assuming you've got past he email stage to speaking on the phone and discussing arranging a date. He might ask, 'What if we don't like each other?' 

There are some funny replies I could make. Such as: 

a) You've got to be better than the man I married. 

b) How could I not like you? You are such a nice person. 

c) You must be better than the last three I met.  

(a) The one whose fiancee had committed suicide. He was so miserable, I wasn't surprised.  

(b) The man who told me he had just enough money to get by - after we'd ordered a three course meal. I spent the whole of dinner worrying whether he would pay and if he would starve for a month. Fortunately food was included in his live in job at a public school (private school to readers in the USA)  

(c) The man who was a singer, which sounded jolly, except he never spoke above a whisper. We sat in a place with loud music. He thought I was going deaf. I thought he need assertiveness training.  

They all kept me mesmerized all evening. Somehow they weren't happy and confident enough to reach a second date.  

Worrying about short term or long term is a waste of time. Why worry about whether we could get on long term? If we really get on well, we'll work it out.  

If we can't get through a conversation on the phone, we won't get to a date, never mind more. As for the negatives, people can be like Romeo and Juliet, battle on despite the whole world being against them.  

So, how about the man who asks, 'What if we don't like each other?' We might not like each other, but we both have enough experience and wit and good will to be entertaining. We should be appreciative of somebody who has faced the uncertainty and stress of the meeting, and the time and trouble to get to the meeting place. They have cleared their evening, allocated time, made an effort.  

I have doubts if I hear too many fears. 'What if we don't like each other?' Sounds like this person is going to take a look at you and walk out. Sounds like many people would take a look at the speaker and walk out.  

On the other hand, I am a bit wary about 'I'm in love with you already!' That sounds like the other person is unrealistic and will find I don't match their expectations.  

I like a calm, confident, happy, realistic optimistic. Everybody likes me. I like everybody I meet. I always have an interesting time. But I have a much better time if I stick to people who are determined to have a great time. I think you will, too.

And make sure you give the other person the impression that you will be fun to be with.

Saying too Much - Don't Lose It - How To Find It

Don't say too much. Could they possibly object to your interests in guns and tanks, snakes and crocodiles, crossword puzzles and gnomes, aligning your vases and trees in Feng Shui, and is that absolutely essential?

At this time there's no point in getting frantic because he or she prefers jazz to opera or tennis to swimming - if you forever make demands for exact matches you never meet anybody.

SUCCESSFUL PHONE CALLS - HORRORS & HEAVEN

SUCCESSFUL PHONE CALLS Sound happy when you answer. Smile. 

And when recording messages which others listen to.

Don't say, 'I don't know what to say,' but, 'I'd love to talk to you.' or, 'I'd love to meet you.' a) Bad sign - long interrogation. it sounds as if he wants to adapt to your wishes. It is unlikely that he is going to adapt to your wishes.He wants to know if you will adapt to his. It sounds as if he is expressing a polite interest. He isn't. He is likely to keep you answering questions for an hour and then tell you no thanks. Time wasting and disappointing. Cut the conversation short especially if you are working or people are about to arrive and if he wants to meet you will tell him more. (On the other hand, you might not want to discuss personal matters in a public place.) Are you getting positive feedback or just questions? Keep questions and answers even between the two or you. Don't reveal a lot unless the other person tells you - even then you might want to be more discreet or stop the other person. Do you want them to tell you all sorts of things you'd rather not know - on a first call from a total stranger. b) Good sign - Sounds pleased to see you. Even if it's not a good time, keen to speak to you later. Already interested in meeting. c) Uses positive words. You click with them on the phone. SUCCESSFUL MEETINGS Surveys have shown it can take about 20-25 meetings to meet Mr or Miss Right. So you have to be prepared to spend a lot of time with people who are friendly but not special. That's no different to what you have been doing for a week, or weeks, or years in life in general - and why you are on a dating site. What doesn't work? When you meet and conversation falls apart. Maybe they simply fail to turn you on. UNSUCCESSFUL MEN & WOMEN CONVERSATIONS a) The fearful submissive who is boring and blank and is willing to do anything but cannot drive a car or cook an egg or make coffee other than instant, or even instant coffee because they only drink water and they are too scared to travel b) The aggressive, either high status but lacking manners, or no status of any kind to give authority c) Social meeting only - but no chemistry - no meeting of eyes. d) No social skills - no meeting of eyes. (Note when meeting eyes you should smile - otherwise it's aggressive. Be friendly. e) Too rigid - 'You MUST' (be available on the third Thursday of the month, wear a jacket with pink spots etc) f) Obsessively self-centred stuck in their own past with no conversation - after three hours listening to what happened to them when they were two years old you feel like watching the TV news, reading a newspaper and discussing films with the people at the next table g) Physically not it or unnerving - most entertaining but you cannot foresee a relationship with somebody who has crossed yellow-brown teeth, swellings on their lips and eyes, dirty cracked fingernails, a bandage on their face, a bleeding neck and an arm in a sling, and two walking sticks and a story with gruesome details about their last operation.

h) Long stories about the death of their previous spouse or partner or friend - gives the listener the feeling of am I next and this person is miserable and a loser. The old saying goes, smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone.

You might notice that when you start to talk about the death of your parents or children or spouse the other person listens intently for three minutes then suddenly decides it's time to leave. Learn for next time. No more than two sentences about sad subjects. It's no use saying, 'You don't want to know!' That creates a mystery and a challenge and worries them and sounds like you are playing hard to get and really want to tell so they will say, 'Yes, I do.' Change the subject to something jollier. Or ask them about something good in their life.

i) Some people just don't inspire you with confidence that they are in charge of a date or their life - after they spend forty minutes telling you how they lost all their money you start to worry whether they can afford coffee and a muffin or whether they want to 'borrow a fiver'. j) A man used the phrases 'I need money the money,' and 'I am looking for a rich widow'. But even though the listener has a good friend at work who fits this description she might not want to burden her with a loser. He lives nearby and is free over Christmas - but never married and in final paragraph admits he is looking for a penpal. MORE UNSUCCESSFUL WOMEN ON DATES a) Much older than was claimed. Old photo. 

A man aged 35-75 who is grey haired and balding expects a young blonde, but is outraged when he meets a woman who is grey haired and balding. He thinks that grey hair makes him looks distinguished. But not her. No comment. b) Sexy woman looking for a no strings attached relationship turns out to be a call girl and asks for money. (If men, especially those not showing photos, say they want a no strings attached relationship and demand much younger women, on adult or general sites, they often get bimbos, gold-diggers, young nymphos or call girls.) c) Date has broad shoulders and big feet - you suspect a transvestite. (If men show pictures of male nudes they attract gay or bisexual men. Real women tend to fall for a smiling faces. Strange, isn't it?) d) Attractive - but not to the person they are with. Talked on mobile to others throughout dinner. At this point the man thinks his date is not interested. He cut short dinner, only meets for coffee. But maybe she was on the phone because his conversation did not involve her.

SUCCESSFUL & FLEXIBLE

You are fortunately if you have the date you want nearby - happily separated from ex - looks after family but has plenty of time to meet - willing to give out phone number - happy to meet for an elegant lunch dinner so the woman can dress up and look good. People sometimes ask, What if we don't get on? Often you find couples where one talks and the other listens. But the listener must be devoted. However, extraverts often look for somebody like themselves, the sort of person who gets on well with everybody. If you are in the media or sales, you have to get on. Anybody who runs a successful business is either totally ruthless or they make it their business to get on. If a man is paying for my dinner I am under an obligation to be polite and charming. He has driven a long way. The very least I can do is be charming and polite. Listen. Talk. For years I've been a trailing wife and expat. I've had to sit in business meetings staying quiet or smiling at the wife of somebody I'll not see again for five years. For me to have a man giving me his total attention for a whole evening is a joy. You can call it man-woman, dom-sub, daddy-adult baby, call it what you like. I was an only child and I crave attention. I'm bright and jolly and looking for somebody bright and jolly. I go out expecting to have a good time. I'll do my half and I expect the other person to do their half. Teamwork. Everybody giving you advice has their own viewpoint. You have to listen and decide if it applies to you. You might try to change simply because what you tried before didn't work and you want to try a new approach.

Regarding meetings, I try to be totally flexible and positive - I say, 'if it doesn't work out we'll have a fun hour or so meeting anyway.' And sometimes the perfect fit is a disappointment, whilst the person who seemingly has nothing is such a laugh and such fun that you could spend all day talking nonsense and never feel under pressure. So if you really want to meet people, meet everybody who sounds safe and then you might make a new friend. It's better if you are flexible. One of you has to be easy-going and ready to meet. I hope this has helped. You can see where others go wrong and maybe where you go wrong. You know what to do to get a meeting. You may have learned something about yourself - or about me. I'd love to hear some feedback. To some extent you make your own luck. I wish you luck!

SUCCESSFUL DATING PROFILES FOR MEETINGS

How do you get to a meeting? To a second meeting? You may be interested in different things from different people. One of the biggest complaints about dating sites is that you never meet anybody. SUCCESSFUL PROFILES You don't want to say too little nor too much. First there's too little. One man wanted to know if anybody was real because nobody replied. I looked at his profile. Every answer was 'prefer not to say' or 'tell you later'. A woman reading his profile would be asking herself, is he real? He did not have a single conversation opener. Nothing to make you say, 'He sounds interesting!' Nothing to make you remember him after scanning sixty profiles. Say something about your job and why you like it, or what you would like to do. And something about your leisure activities. Especially those for a first date. On the other hand, you can be in danger of saying too much. A successful women can get emails from introverts who say, in effect, 'You sound too educated for me,' or, 'You sound too bossy,' or, simply, 'I'm scared to meet you.' I think - what sort of man is he? He sees an interesting woman and writes to her that he is scared to meet. He has no confidence. No PR. He is warning her that he may never be courageous enough to meet, so she risks wasting time writing. Some men write aggressive emails. "You sound horrible." (So why did he bother to write?) Or challenging emails. Such as, 'Are you a gold-digger? Or, ''Why would a rich man like me want to meet you? Compliments should address the person. Not 'I love your picture' without saying anything about it. Nor 'I love your profile' without saying anything about it. You can pick anything: I love the hat. I like beards. Or a question, 'Where was that photo taken?' You should sound happy with the other person and willing to meet. What could stop you meeting or go wrong when you meet? Sometimes you click with somebody on the page. You manage to exchange phone numbers. I think the man should give his out first. It reassures the woman. And he should phone her. You are then on your way to a meeting. You are meeting on the phone.

Do you pass the photo test?

Do you pass the photo test? 1 A photo of any sort - to show willing. It should show you are sufficiently computer savvy to take a photo and load it up. Otherwise, the other person reasons, how are you going to get confident enough to actually phone and meet. If you have no kind of photo it suggests you will never give out a phone number nor meet. Show you are bright and savvy. 2 Photo of personality. Any woman on any dating site or even in possession of Skype or a mobile phone gets dozens of contacts from people who are scamming and saying 'Phone me' 'Contact me'. She does not know that you are not a scam trying to get her email or maybe even using a borrowed photo of a celebrity. Or you twenty years ago. She wants a current photo showing the real person. Show you are real. 3 A smile. Yes, a smile. Do I really want to spend even ten minutes talking to or listening to or meeting a person who frowns, scowls or is miserable. I want somebody who will cheer me up. 

You probably know the saying, 'Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone.' It's easy to forget this. A taxi driver once interrupted my complaint to say, "Lady - I've got problems of my own.' Nobody wants to see somebody scowling. I've rather have coffee with a jolly neighbour or watch TV. I would like to meet somebody bright, cheerful and smiling. 4 Hair.Young-looking hair. Yes, hair. Why would I swap a perfectly good man for somebody twenty years older or looking twenty years older? I know men go bald at 35. I might like a bald man. I might tolerate a bald man. But he would have to have everything else - looks, education, a job, money - at least evidence of being solvent, a smile.

This you can fix easily. If you don't have hair, you can wear a hat - not a baseball cap, but a hat.

Or dye hair black or brown.

Why not?

A man doesn't want a woman with grey hair. Why does he think a blonde woman wants a man who is grey and shabby?

If you want to be on the dole and out of work and out of dates stay there looking old and decrepit. You could take yourself to a barber or give yourself a makeover.

Imagine you are going to a job interview, competing with men ten years younger.

You are competing with younger men. Yes, women get emails from men ten years younger than you. Women over fifty get emails from students under 21 - some of them virgins!

Bald and grey suggests impotence and prostate trouble. Along with a heart by-pass. And hospital visits. 5 Rough beards - yuk!

I had a relationship founder because every time a man tried to kiss me it felt like a shoebrush.

If you look like a hedgehog you don't suggest cuddly.

Wash it with conditioner. Make sure it is not even more hair showing that you are grey and old and faded.

Even a soft beard would suggest lazy and self-centred and not presentable. 6 No pets in pictures

I haven't seen a site called dates with dogs. Or pet people. I think there is one. But I've had bridge games, outings and dinner dates cancelled, postponed or delayed by people who can't get a dog-sitter, dog ran in road, dog died, can't go on holiday, can't go away for weekend, dog died and kids are crying, dog can't be left alone, must go home early to feed dog, dog is lost on highway - dog in bed in threesome - dog must like you and you must like dog - trousers and shoes smell of dog pooh ...

Pets are great in zoos. Not on a first date. If you don't get a first date, you don't get a second. 

Dogs are a distraction to those who want to meet for coffee or dinner. 

And those who want to jump into bed.

Also leaves the delicate reader wondering if you really had something kinky and illegal in mind. And on that happy note I shall go back to my inbox and answer the one interesting. smiling man who sent me a photo. I remember him. (Leaving aside other emails and photos from people who wonder what they could have done to get noticed by a woman.) I hope this helps. I can't guarantee that if you follow this advice you will get answers from me or any other woman. But at least you know if you can pass the photo test.

Dates - Selling Yourself To Your Soulmate?

There is no need to sell yourself to those who have goodwill. I'd rather think of a date as a potential friend and if more develops be pleasantly surprised. A survey by one of the dating sites showed that those who meet their soulmate instantly are the exception. The average is 25 dates. 

So two people would have 50 dates. But that means that if some are meeting instantly, to have an average of 25 dates, if one person meets their soulmate on date one, another must meet their soulmate on date 49!

Some are meeting soulmates after one to five dates, which means others must need to meet up to 250 people!  That would be one a day for more than six months. Three a week for two years. One a week for four years. One a month for years and years ... (I'm not sure - mental maths is not my strongest suit. I have to check numbers on paper, twice.) 

You could aim for fewer, better people. But by being picky you might cut out those who have potential - smokers who are quitting, sick people who get cured, dog owners who don't replace the dog which died, bearded men who shave off their beard, fat people who go on diets, widows and divorcees who get over the setback, and so on. 

Some people think you should not go for quality but quantity, like talent shows. See many without making any rules. Endure lots of no-hopers. Plus those who failed first time around, who improved themselves and persisted in coming back better. Just waiting for the good one to turn up.

Therefore to expect every stranger you meet to be your soulmate means you are doomed to endless disappointment. (Some success comes to those who end up finding that a person who was just a friend turns into the soulmate several months or even years later. Even with heart-warming success rate of Friends Reunited - looking at it logically, these were people who missed out on getting together first time around. So just go out, without expecting too much, and make friends.  

Put plenty of effort into it - expect to get on really well, but don't expect to meet the 100% perfect person.  You need one or more common interests and a reasonable amount of goodwill to get on.

Internet social site tips - Why Not Send A Recent Photo?

A man put up a profile with a photo which was three decades out of date. Why?

He put up a picture. So he thought a picture was important. 

It was a very nice picture. But why not a recent photo?

Many people use out of date profile pictures. Why? Because the best one was several weeks or months ago? 

If you know you are going to get a new passport or put up an online profile, get yourself a new photo. And whenever you are dressed up smartly, for example at a wedding, get lots of pictures taken. 

What impression does the viewer form on seeing an out of date photo? I imagine you are still a nice person, but totally different. I would like to relate to the current you, not to some totally false impression of you.

 

Let's suppose that your picture conveys the impression that you are young and sporty with long hair. 

Yet if you are 35 years older you are probably bald and unfit. Your readers could be the same. Or they might be quite comfortable with that

.

You must admit that a photo unlike you leads to reader to suspect you are hiding something. 

I want to know if you are smiling or scowling.

I thought I was being polite and encouraging when I  said I might like you as you are now.

Do you think that a man or woman is shallow if they want to see a photo?  To call somebody shallow is a confrontational and aggressive statement.

I don't only judge on looks. I judge on whether I get a friendly, positive reply. 

If I sent you a picture of myself 35 years ago what would you expect? 

I might have different hair colour and my age and weight could be different. You would imagine a totally different person and when we met it would take a lot of getting used to.  

On the internet there are all sorts of types, ranging from covered in tattoos to paraplegic, from waist length beard and hair to clean-shaven and totally bald. From bow tie to tee-shirt. From the sporty hiker to the bookish intellectual. 

Before starting a long correspondence or giving out personal details it is perfectly reasonable for a woman to get some idea of the man. Firstly for her own safety. Secondly because in the long run, you would meet and introduce to friends to see if they are presentable. Thirdly to angle your chat so as to co-ordinate with their lifestyle and views. 

If you get an out of date photo, all you know so far is that the poster or sender has avoided telling the truth and being friendly and positive.

If you do not post a photo for security reasons, say so.

But a photo which is several years old - nothing like you - suggests you have something to hide. 

Are you not happy with the way you look?

One of the main complaints by people on the internet is that they meet people who are nothing like the photo.

If you do not like your appearance, or think it is off-putting, then change it. If you are bald, admit it but wear a hat.

A picture is only one part of how you present yourself to others, how much you care about honesty and their opinion of you. You should be able and willing to dress reasonably presentably to suit the occasion and not embarrass others and look somebody in the eye. 

Looks are not the only and over-riding important matter - but it is important to know something about a stranger and to be able to visualise them.

I hope I have encouraged you to be happy and confident about the idea of showing a picture - which is a normal request. Don't take exception to a request for a photo. 

If I asked what you did for a living or what you studied or anything else. A request for a photo could be a deal-breaker, ore merely opening a conversation and inviting you to reveal more.  You don't want to make the other person afraid to ask or say anything  in case you get annoyed. Up to you to reply and continue in a positive fashion.

POSITIVE WRITING RULES

POSITIVE WRITING RULES

Ideally you should be entirely positive.

If you must include a negative, at least end on a positive. With practise you can learn to speak, think and feel positive all the time. So your words, thoughts, gestures and facial expressions are all positive.

 

So maybe we should stick to three rules in an email or date

Don’t say

a) ‘I have no money’

‘If you are x, move on’ (First half of that sentence says I’m a loser and a victim and a failure on this site or in the dating game. The second half of the sentence is an aggressive, belligerent statement - is this how you will behave when you end a relationship - telling the other person to go, get lost, rather than thanking them for their time and wishing them well.)

‘I am physically/mentally disabled and if you can’t deal with that ....’

Focus on the positive contribution of both partners in the relationship - I am in a wheelchair but still take part in sports and look after a business and I am looking for a loving kind person, perhaps in the nursing profession - or somebody who always wanted to be a nurse

There is a simple way to summarise this conversational over-revelation - Too Much Information.

If you are gregarious or lonely or feel it would be a good tactic to increase your options and you want to meet more people - of any type, perhaps you should say less in your profile, or fewer negative things, and more positive things.

At first sight you might think that the simple solution is not to talk about personal negatives. Is it okay not to talk about the man who attacked you in the street - only about the awful mugging described in the newspapers last week? 

The dangers are that this encourages negative thoughts, bad memories, and signals ‘let’s talk about disasters’. It can encourage a kind of victim one-downmanships. I met somebody worse than that, my medical problems are worse than yours -

If you want to find the worst about somebody else’s life straight away, okay. If I were just gathering stories for a novel, or ideas for a joke or humorous speech, that would be amusing as a one-off date. But for my dates, or for me, to do this regularly would not lead to happy evenings dating nor a long-term relationship.

The solution for better self-image and PR and prospects imagining a successful and co-operative relationship:

Focus on your successes - not on one-up manship, not on changing somebody else’s dire life, but on being initially a source of pleasure and eventually a team player.

How do you ingratiate yourself when you meet somebody and have a one minute speech?

Balance my worst holiday with my best holiday. Don’t talk about why I hate one race, religion or nationality or city, but what I like about my country, your country, my religion, your religion, what we have in common. 

-ends-

MONEY & DATING

MONEY 

A man complained to me that when he tells women on a first date that he lost all his money they don’t want a second date. He is ‘cynical’ about their motives.

There is a saying that if you keep doing the same thing, you get the same results.

Perhaps the women are doing the right thing - for themselves. They are eliminating a man who

Can’t look after money

Can’t keep personal matters secret

Does not appear to have learned from past mistakes

He complains that they are all ‘after money’ or ‘looking for security’.

Several things may be going through their mind either as a specific thought or general uneasiness:

Maybe he cannot afford to date because he is saving

He is revealing his anxiety about not having money - saying he is not enjoying the date because he can’t afford to pay the bill

If they have no money, he cannot support them when they retire or fall sick

He may be expecting the woman to support him.

If they are not gold-diggers (women with no money seeking men who have lots of money) but have a lot of money, they may feel he will lose their money, or can’t be trusted to look after it.

He is not going to want a long term relationship because he feels insecure financially and does not want any ongoing financial commitment - in other words he is going to end the relationship soon - better for the woman not to start a relationship and get emotionally involved with Mr Wrong or Mr Disappearing or Mr Unreliable. If he wants to forget past mistakes and problems and move on - he should focus on the message that he is moving on. 

Maybe he is frightening them about their own financial situation, making them worried. Some may want a man who offers financial security longterm. Others may not. But probably both types still want a sufficiently jolly get-away-from-it-all date.

They may wonder, 

Is he always going to be telling sob stories - generally miserable

He may be moving the conversation to borrowing money either because of his situation or as a con trick

This could be the start of a series of disaster stories, how he lost his money, lost his family, lost his passport - even when he gets a winning hand he can’t play it right.

Can you see the solution?  You can always put a positive slant on it. I have income rather than capital. Reverse the sentence - I don't have capital but I have income. Or - my strength is income. If you have capital rather than income - we might have a good financial fit. Or - I don't have a huge income but I can take you on a jolly night out.

Or stick to the positives. I am thrifty.

Or I like to picnic in the park - with the best M & S sandwiches, strawberries and cream and champagne.

Sweet Talk On A Date

Allow the other person to speak at the end of each sentence. maximum three sentences or three minutes and then let them agree, or say what they think, or change the subject.

Keep conversation upbeat and positive

SWEET SUBJECTS
A cookery book told me that in some countries the etiquette is that conversation at the dinner table should always be positive and happy to aid digestion.

So avoid getting maudlin.
You will depress yourself and the listener if you talk about:
a) How my family member or best friend died.
b) My serious medical problems.
The accident or disaster I saw in the street.
All the money I lost and the mistakes I made and haven’t learned how to avoid.

Stick to stories of happiness, fun, great discoveries, good places, wonderful people.

When Your Wife Had A Baby

When Your Wife Had A Baby

Were You

a Out having sex with somebody else

b Busy at work

c Buying drinks for the boys

d Phoning all your friends

e Paying the bills

f Decorating the nursery

g Sitting beside her telling her you’d decorated the nursery and paid the bills

h Shouting at her to push

i Tell her that you loved her, that you’d decorated the nursery and paid the bills, advising her to push, telling her how well she’d done, and saying the baby had your nose and her eyes and the plans you had

Your Answers

j One of the letters a to h but you now know what went wrong was you didn’t do one of the others a to i but too late, that’s the past, never mind

k One of the letters a to h but you now know that it should have been i - and you’ve learned. That experience won’t come again but you are now a wiser, stronger, more confident reliable and loving person

l Haven’t time to figure this out but very amusing - let’s have dinner

m You are a smart cookie - but I’m even smarter - you missed out the essentials - I’ll tell you my theories when I see you - let’s have dinner

n You are a smart cookie - and I’m a good match - let’s meet and talk about it and everything else over dinner

 

Safe Talk When Meeting Strangers On The Train & Internet

Strangers On The Train & Internet

Safety In Conversation
What to avoid talking about?
Drinking can make you garrulous. You could reveal too much to a stranger

Reveal whether you live alone
When you are out - and if your house is empty
How much money you have

Your desire for money (She might come across as a gold-digger.) Sex. (He might think she’s a nympho, wants sex on first date, or is a call girl.) She might think he’s sex-mad, pushy and dangerous)

Comparisons are dangerous. For example - 'my last girlfriend was perfect' sounds positive.  But maybe it suggests the listener is not). Listen to the feedback. It could be, 'I can't ....' That listener is seeing your list of relationships as a shortlist and hoping to be top. That listener would have been happier listening to compliments. If the other person ever asks, How am I doing? they are looking for praise and flattery. 

The clues are all there. Don't think up your answer a week later when it's too late. The trick is to respond immediately. Better still - get the clues before you start speaking.

You don't want to talk miserably or angrily at length about 'how 

my last girlfriend deceived me' (suggesting I’m a naive self-pitying victim). On the other hand, if the other person has been in a similar situation, you can describe it very briefly.  Can you reduce the story to one sentence - or four words - and add four or more positive words? For example, 'My last husband/wife was having constant affairs and I'll looking for somebody loyal and faithful. Is that what you are looking for?'

Talking about people who are famous and rich can lead to odious comparisons or disappointed expectations. For example, she might think:
'His best friend’s a millionaire but all he can afford is a cheap drink.'

She might think: He knows all these famous people but he’s a nobody. I agree with him - I’d like to be with Brad Pitt right now. Or
He knows these great people but doesn’t take me to meet them. So either he is lying .... or ...
He doesn’t think I’m good enough to meet them. Or -
He is losing interest in me because I’m not famous.

Safer subjects are things you enjoy - so long as the other person enjoyed them. Trying to convince somebody that something they hate is what you love and what they should love might not be your best strategy. If you disagree, ensure the conversation is not hostile and confrontational but positive. Make sure you smile.

If you’ve talked for half an hour your listener may look mesmerized. But if you never allow them to speak, it’s a monologue. When both people speak equally, you have a dialogue. 

Of course, there are couples where talkers marry listeners and extraverts marry introverts. Attraction of opposites. When the talker stops, the listener should give the speaker applause, too. 

If the speaker asks, 'Am I boring you?' he is having self-doubt, not allowing time for enough feedback. Or not getting enough of the hoped-for encouragement. 

For example, 'Interesting!' depending on the tone of voice could mean: You are nuts. You are weird. You are a victim. You are stupid. You are cruel. You never learn.  I refuse to comment in case I commit myself. I'm glad I wasn't there. I am trying to follow this roller-coaster jumble. Enough, already! You are like watching TV. I'll keep watching and hope the ending is good.

What is the closing line? Is it:

'Thank you for meeting me.' 

'Thank you for listening. '

'I've enjoyed it.' 

'We must do this again some time.' (Meaning 'No hurry. Only if nothing better turns up.)

Or: 'How about next week?'

Bear in mind that regardless of your emotional fit, some people are more inclined to plan ahead than others.

If you have entertained sombody for an evening. to make them want a second date ensure you have made them feel desirable and desired.

Self-praise modified by flattery
Disraeli flattered Queen Victoria - even though she knew she was queen of England.
And he did not praise himself. He looked for what they had in common. He did not say, 'I’m an author,' but, ‘We authors, Ma’am ...’ Now that’s something I must remember.

The Height Of Disaster - Admitting Your Height

I once had a single date and told a tall man who was over six foot tall my height - stated it as so many inches and three quarters. I could not understand why he did not date me again. 

Two years later I met him again without realizing I knew him. I had changed my hair colour and changed weight and he did not recognize me.

On second or third date he asked me my height. I told him, rounded up the figure. He replied,'That's okay. I once dated a girl who was (figure with the fraction) and that was too short.'

After a minute's silence, I said, 'You met me in Birmingham - spring two years ago!'

I'd never realized that the lack of a quarter of an inch had made me sound too short.

The second time around, again, the relationship ended. 

He just didn't like the idea of a girl who was so short.

I should have kept quiet about my real height the second time.   

  

I lost another relationship with a man who told me, after we'd arranged a dinner date, and I wanted to know his particulars so as to recognize him, that he was only five foot three. I thought about it and decided that it didn’t matter. He could wear built up shoes. On a date he could stay sitting down. Lying in bed you can be eye to eye or - all sorts of things.

However, he then cancelled the date by email. He said he was upset that I sounded flummoxed about his height and wanted somebody who liked him 100%. 

He had just gone through a divorce. I think he was being over-sensitive. 

I had agreed to meet him. We might have disliked each other anyway, or just felt lukewarm. Or we might have liked each other so much that height was not an issue, or it was an issue but with one negative and dozens of positives the total relationship scored a plus.

I think he made more of an issue with it than I did. Clearly he was a person to magnify difficulties, when he could have smoothed it over.

Many relationships succeed despite all sorts of problems. But you have to get to the confident conversation stage.

I can imagine two jolly people joking away:

Him: “Hey you’re a midget - why would a lamp-post like me want to meet a midget like you!’’

Her: “Cos you’ve never seen a midget like me. I’m the queen of midgets. And I’m the only midget who would put up with a rude lamp-post like you.” 

The Sex Museum, New York - shock! Horror!

This museum is steps away from the Jewish museum. It's on the underground station line. And you can get off here if you've bought the Gray line hop on hop off New York bus tour with recorded commentary. They mention Macy's department store founded by Jewish brothers - one of whom died on the Titanic with his devoted wife who refused to leave him and get in the life boat. The tour guide doesn't tell you to get off here for the Jewish Museum and the Sex Museum but we knew.

The Sex Museum is on two floors. The ground floor has the shop and the exhibition on animals and sex, with lots of videos taken by zoos and safari parks which have breeding programmes and fund investigation.

I already knew from a visit to a UK bird park that flamingos are encouraged to breed when they see other flamingos going at it. So the park installed mirrors to give the impression that twice the number of birds were indulging in an orgy. This method did seem successful. Makes you wonder about human peer pressure and teenage sleepover parties.

To my surprise nothing in the museum about flamingos. But my interest in wildlife had already been roused and I wanted to linger. In contrast to some of the male visitors who rushed past and upstairs to see what was shown and said about human sexuality.

Frankly, I found the information about animals quite shocking. If you think the behaviour, photos and videos of people on adult dating sites sites is uninhibited, animals are even more so. 

Some animals have group sex. Some are bisexual. Others mate with anything, any age, too young to breed, the animal equivalent of sex predators. 

A small number will pair off and stay devotedly coupled. I've been researching on line for a project for children and wonder what I dare tell them and how much to comment. A friend told me his 9 year old daughter liked watching wildlife TV programmes. One showed baby birds eating each other. He wondered whether this might upset her. But she wasn't phazed; not as much as he was. (He was concerned for the birds, himself, and his daughter. She just shrugged.)     

After this museum shock seeing animals and reading about them, I raced upstairs to catch up. (I'd lost my companion and was running short of time.)

It would take a while to read all the captions and digest the significance. They showed: condoms, art displaying sex acts of humans and robots, films though the ages and how censorship had changed and landmark films. 

And sex advice films showing different sexual positions. That was really useful.

The shop had some amusing books. One on make your own sex toys - not serious, things like woolly condoms. 

Another was on sexual versions of fairy tales. Things like Snow white and the seven gay dwarfs. I'm now sorry I didn't buy that for a laugh. I was trying not to buy heavy things because of luggage weight flying home. 

  

The shop also sold chocolate covered condoms. I think every person will get something quite different out of visiting this museum. Strange that I was shocked, but not by the human stuff at all, only by the animals.

Sex Museum Location Information

I had visited another sex museum in China, when it was in Shanghai. It has now moved to a city further south, which presumably means lower rental and makes a lesser-known city more of a tourist attraction.

In Europe other museums are in Amsterdam and Prague.

Museum of Sex

233 Fifth Avenue,

At 27th.

New York

www.museum.of sex.com

Entry fee $15+ tax, students and seniors $14+tax (no under 18s).

Beards

Is this your problem?

‘Suzie’ says:

“I had a kissing setback with a man with a beard.

“His moustache-beard was so bristly that whenever he tried to kiss me, a few seconds later he moved and I was hit by what felt like a scrubbing brush. I jumped away.

“He said he liked long kisses. Me too.

“I can't tell him the problem. He's the sensitive type.”

My solution. Maybe one could suggest conditioner. But not if he’s the sensitive type who can’t take ‘criticism’. When delivering ‘criticism’, praise before and after.

Better still have a shower and shampoo him all over and add conditioner. That's the answer.

The Married Man & What He Says

This is written from a woman's perspective. But it might interest you as a man to see what a woman wants, and gets. 

Let's look at three married men.

Why would you opt for a married man rather than a single man?

Because you want to keep your options open - it might work out if he is as unhappy as you are at home and wants a second chance.

Desperate Dave

At one extreme we have 'David'. He is desperately unhappy. His wife is hampering his career. She won't let him travel because she found out about his affair. 

His opening line, 'My wife must never find out,' makes her the centre of the relationship, not you. His writes long emails about how she found out about the last relationship because she read an email he left in the waste paper bin. This time he shreds everything. 

But you now have his 'naughty boy confesses' emails all over your computer, as well as his. Why doesn't he just write non-commital emails saying how he'd love to see you again and looks forward to the meeting? Looks like he wants to be caught, to force the issue. Makes you nervous. Maybe she is tapping the phone, listening in, has a tape recorder under his bed or in his car. 

She is too nervous to fly planes. He won a competition but could not take the prize of a cruise because she could not go for health reasons. 

He spends the whole date talking about how she suspects where he is, the excuses he had to make, the lies he told. He is not enjoying himself. Neither are you.

Clearly you would be better off with a single man. This is really hard work. It is no fun. It is endangering his marriage. But not promising a second marriage which would be an oasis. 

He might bring into a new relationship what is wrecking the first one, the fact that he is not earning enough money. Or the fact that he has extra-marital affairs.  Or flirts and talks about the attractions of every woman in the room which makes his wife jealous.

He might bring into a second marriage the same underlying anxiety, the job, the house, the traffic, the world. You are not only in bed with his marital problems but every problem in the world.

If anything goes wrong with the sex he says it is his fault or your fault. Or you are incompatible.

Married or single, he is a worrier. He is not solving your problems because he has too many of his own. Maybe he is expecting you to be the strong one.

He does not compliment you on your clothes. He complains that you did not admire his new grey trousers. 

Secretive Simon

At the opposite extreme we have Simon. You ask if he has a wife. He replies, 'Not here'. 

You  say, 'I don't know anything about your wife and you don't know anything about my husband'. He replies, 'Let's keep it that way.'

He is a wonderful listener. But you are never sure whether you are providing what he wants. Now or in the future.

What would be a middle situation, a compromise, the best of both worlds?

Calm Colin

a) The man who says, 'I wouldn't want to hurt anybody. I want everybody to be happy.'

Or,  

b) 'I have you - but she has nobody. I am so lucky to have you.'

c) 'I have problems at home - it's so lovely to be away with you.'

d) 'This will keep her happy so she doesn't interfere with my seeing you.'

e) 'We deserve to be happy.'

f) 'You are the best thing in my day/week/year.'

g) 'We are not getting any younger - let's enjoy life while we can.'

'She is quite happy for me to be away. She has her own interests, her own life.'

'We were complementary when we were younger but now we are different people and don't share the same interests. But you are ...'

Whatever happens or does not happen sexually, he says that just being with you and looking in your eyes was enough. He assures you that everything was perfect.

'Sometimes I dream of marrying you - it's just a dream - but such a lovely dream.'

'Don't let's worry about the past or the future. Let's just enjoy today.'

'I have a plan for us for next year but in case it doesn't work out I won't say too much now. But I'm working on it.'

Most likely to be a weekend away, a long trip. Don't imagine it's marriage unless that's mentioned. But whatever, it creates a good feeling. Doesn't commit anybody to anything. But gives hope and confidence. 

If anybody is going to stay on good terms with his ex-wife, this is the most likely character. If anybody is going to be a successful second husband to somebody, to create a happy second marriage, he is the most likely candidate.

Calm and confident - or tense? Look at these situations.

Blog - what I want from a man 

1 Profile - face picture. 

a) Smiling. Confident. 

No beard. 

Ideally not grey. If you want a grey-haired woman stay grey. If you want to date a young-looking blonde, get a bottle of hair dye and be young-looking, too.

2 Profile - no nude pictures. Why? Too much too soon. You are in a public place. Don’t strip off before the world. Have some sense of caution.

3 No nude pictures of other women. I don’t like nude pictures on the wall at my local garage. And I don’t like nude pictures of other women displayed by my date. I don’t want to know about your other conquests or that you are likely to have a one night stand with a nympho who could have VD.

4 Profile, opening e-mail, phone call - Forget the sob stories about your last relationship. Talk about the present or future. 

The story about the girl who jilted you, or committed suicide, is not a great opening. And ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ only makes the listener keen to know what you are hiding. It’s a defence, a retreat. Instead step forward to ask about the other person.

5 Speak positively about yourself and the other person.

If you want to whine about your last relationship, keep a diary.

6 If the journey is a hazard, make sure you move on to the positive aspects. For example, 

a) It was a hassle - but worth it to meet you.

So good to be here, with problems over.

7 Don’t rant about other people - how you hate other nationalities, politics, religion. If the other person disagrees or has family members of the group you are ranting about they will feel uncomfortable. Even if they agree, they don't want to say goodnight and go to bed tense. They would rather end up with good news. You and your conversation should not be a boxing ring, but  the haven of calm. 

Laugh, don't cry, on the first date

I like the phrase, 'Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone'. I think it's important to project a cheery image. It attracts cheerful people. It does not attract fellow depressives. You don't risk portraying yourself as a loser. You don't risk upsetting yourself. I've spoken to one man whose ex-girlfriend was suicidal.And met two others (twenty years apart) whose exes had committed suicide. So often suicidal people are over sensitive and they are trying to help others who are worse off than themselves. Lending money to people who are insolvent. Helping friends who are in relationships with people who make threats. I used to wonder about people such as Evita who wanted to move on. After WWII some women who had lost husbands who were pilots married again and never mentioned their first husband. Man number two had to be made to think he was number one in the woman's life, not second best to a dead man. I've always found people with secrets they can never mention slightly worrying and scary. But now I'm starting to take the opposite view. During a first phone call, or on a first date, before I've established a relationship, I don't want to hear a long tale about the ex girlfriend or wife. I suddenly become an outsider, an onlooker, not connecting with, no a conversation, not a dialogue a monologue. Because you cannot comment. I could ask more, because I'm fascinated. But it is just sucking me in deeper, and pulling them under too. So much better if they'd said, 'I'll tell you about that next time. Let's talk about you.' You can't say too much. You haven't got the full story. Of course it does explain things. One man who is heavily overweight and blames it on a road accident leaving him inactive. I think he still has issues with the past, guilt at not being able to save his fiancee's life. He took on too big a task. And if I were to take on him, I would be taking on too big a task. I suppose everybody over the age of 40 has some baggage. But on a first date you should leave it outside. A Toastmasters manual about conversation shows how conversation follows four levels, from the impersonal to the highly personal. But I think you need a lot of closeness to progress to the last level.

Stories of suicide on a first date - better to stay optimistic

Here are three scenarios I've come across and I'd like to know your reactions: 1 The date is a university lecturer tells you he was living with a student. He stays out all night with other women. She threatens to commit suicide and one night does so. He is agitated and insists that she had no right to try to control him and she was always threatening him. His friends and even her family told him it was not his fault. And if you want a relationship with him you must be prepared to give him his freedom ... 2 The man on the phone says he nearly married a girl her met at a dinner party, who had problems with a childhood of abuse and he thought he could help her and did everything he could but she took herself off. She ran out one night and drank an entire bottle of whisky and got gang-raped and he visited her in hospital but clearly he could not solve her problems and though he loved her dearly ... 3 The date says his fiancee died after slitting her wrists. She had had a childhood of abuse and her two siblings were also abused by their stepfather and her brother had taken an overdose and her father had committed suicide in prison after she took out a restraining order and she felt guilty. The date said there's a lot more I could tell you, but that's probably enough on a first date. As a child he broke he accidentally broke his arm ... 4 Man four has a disability pension and suffers from depression ... Would you date one of these but not the others. If so, why? Would you date all of them? None of them? Why? Should they have told their stories differently? Or said less during a first conversation? Have you ever said something on a first date and felt the other person was not sufficiently sympathetic? Or that you had revealed too much? Do you think you are known by the company you keep? (meaning Him and his ex; and you and your date.) Do these stories show that the men are a) Kind people who help others b) Sensible in dealing with common problems c) Losers who attract losers d) Attention seekers e) Living in the past f) Don't know how to be cheerful on a first date g) Are good at telling stories to find out how kind and sympathetic the listener is h) Drama queens - if this is the first date it can only get worse - stay away.

Without going into any judgements on what was said, I feel that on a first date it would create a much happier impression if one were to stick to impersonal subjects on a first date or first phone call. Leave stories of the deaths of close friends and family and the times you accidentally injured yourself to the therapist. As a Washington DC taxi driver once said to me, 'Ma-am - I have problems of my own.'

I am not saying you should lie. I am saying that you should treat a date like a job interview or an interview with a bank manager. You should look bright and cheerful and not tell him about your greatest failures and worries. You want to leave him thinking you are a bright, cheerful, successful sort - if you want him to see you again and risk sharing his money and his future with you.

Marriage As A Mutual Admiration Society

Often at Toastmasters I listen to speeches and note what people say about their families. 'I have a wonderful wife and children' is heart-warming, though hardly original. (Perhaps it is increasingly nowadays!) 

What effect does it have on the audience, the listener? One danger is that the listener feels left out, excluded, second best, no hope of competing. I've read profiles which say, with varying degrees of aggression - 'you must understand that my children come first'. 

On the other hand it can strike you as rather flippant and disrespectful if you were to say something such as, 'The only person I really hate is my spouse,' or 'I came out to get away from the ogre at home'. For somebody sitting fantasizing about being your next spouse, it's not encouraging. 

A safer bet might be, 'I've tried, but I've finally had to admit that we can't get things back together. But I think I've learned enough to get things right second time around.' Or, 'We were incompatible, but next time I think I'll be able to choose a partner with the right essential qualities.'

The three most helpful books I've found are:

a) The Art of Speed-reading People (Tiegger-Barron)

b) Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

c) The Five Love Languages.

Love languages are about how you express love, by giving material goods, services, or quality time. 

Let's look at 'Barbra' who is married to a rich man called 'Johnny'. Johnny is a multi millionaire but he insists on eating in a pub to save money on Barbra's birthday. Barbra feels devalued. She feels that all their money might disappear overnight. She is not secure. She does not feel Johnny loves her.

Let's take the next situation. Johnny comes home and ignores her. They go out in jeans. When she wants to buy a lipstick he tells her that she doesn't need it because she already has one. 

In a restaurant he might tell her that she's the prettiest woman or that she has the smartest clothes. But he doesn't take her hand or look her in the eye and smile. He looks round the room and appraises her coldly as if he's taking an inventory of his possessions.

She may go out out and buy a new designer blouse and hat in the hope of pleasing him. But he never gives her reassurance. If he complains, 'Why are you spending all my money?' she starts shopping in charity shops. But she can't stop buying. Because however much she buys, she still isn't getting his approval.

Diana started as a shy average weight girl in nondescript clothes. After she married Charles she starved herself, exercised, made herself sick, wore designer clothes, welcomed everybody, smiled at everybody, was as charming as she could be, but never got the attention of her husband. He was an introvert and did not want to praise her or see her getting praised. It did not make him feel proud. He did not want a trophy wife as a possession. He was already king. He wanted praise and attention.

The famous picture of Diana and Charles sitting side by side but almost back to back sums it up. Neither of them is admiring the other.  Sometimes you see a photo of a proud man with a pretty young woman clinging to him and gazing at him hopefully. He has what he wants. A hanger-on. A woman to admire him.

You also read plaintive letters from widowers who are lost. Like Queen Victoria they could have any person in the world if they went out and looked or made the effort. But they only wanted one person. They are obsessed with one person. For the devoted slave, sometimes a second partner can do the same trick. Sometimes nobody else is found, or even sought.

They had a mutual admiration society. To my mind that is much better. Sometimes it starts one sided but ends up becoming a reciprocal arrangement. One devoted partner is so kind that the other person ends up reciprocating. One of the newsletters advising married couples how to improve their love life suggests that a husband or partner should aim to satisfy his wife three times and after that she will be so happy and grateful that she will gladly do almost anything he wants, within reason.

Gratitude - that's how a mother child relationship works. The mother gives unconditional undying love. She listens. And approves. She can be the poorest woman. Her son can be a heavyweight boxer, a millionaire, but he values her above anybody else. 

Listen to grandmothers, too. They can't all have the brightest child in the class. But they all seem to think that they do.

If it works for mothers and grandmothers, it can also work for fathers, grandfathers, spouses - wives and husbands, and lovers. Romeo and Juliet. Darby and Joan. 'Til death do us part. Isn't that everybody's dream?